Rick Mercer Report

by Rick Mercer

  Watching this guy in action, and I use the word “action” very loosely, I can't even figure out why he wanted the job in the first place. He acts like some dude who didn't come to work one day and while he was away all the boys got together and had him elected shop steward. And this past week, in an effort to turn all this negative momentum around, he's been out there on the road talking to supporters in intimate settings, because apparently that's where he does his best work.

  Wow, talk about a great communication strategy, Stéphane. Show up in a Legion hall in Flin Flon, spend an hour talking about yourself in front of sixty-five locals—keep that up and in about two thousand years you might form a minority.

  Now, of course Stéphane says he just wants to reach out and touch the grassroots—which is ironic, because at this point the grassroots wants to reach out and give him a smack in the head. So basically, the situation for the Liberal party is pretty clear. They went out and elected a leader who can't talk, and Canadians aren't that interested in what he has to say.

  Other than that—things are pretty good. Especially if your name is Bob Rae or Michael Ignatieff.

  ON COURSE WITH

  ANNE MURRAY

  Lakeland, Florida.

  Broadcast Mar. 11, 2008

  MERCER: OK—what do I need?

  MURRAY: Well, you should start with probably a pitching wedge or a nine iron, just to get warmed up.

  MERCER: I don't need to warm up. I want the big thing …

  [Sounds of commotion nearby.]

  MURRAY: Wow …

  Mercer: Is there gonna be a fight?

  MURRAY: Somebody hit that

  50-yard sign—

  MERCER:—Oh, and it bounced back? Wow. I thought we were gonna see a brawl there for a second. But you would have had my back, right, if people started swinging fists? That's good. 'Cause I get nervous in a fight.

  MURRAY: No wonder. Anyone who wears that hat should be nervous.

  DOING SOMETHING

  RIGHT

  FOR A

  CHANGE

  Iknow we've produced a good show when I get five emails from Tories accusing me of being a Liberal shill and five emails from Liberals accusing me of being a Tory. Usually there also are a few from the NDP asking why I ignore them all the time, but that's beside the point.

  It's easier to criticize the people who run the country than it is to praise them, of course. And usually better deserved. Occasionally, however, it's nice to step back from the partisan posturing and give credit where credit is due.

  HARPER IN GHANNI | MAR. 14, 2006

  Stephen Harper wasn't kidding when he promised that he was going to govern differently. Compared to previous prime ministers, “different” is an understatement.

  For starters, he takes the concept of stand-offish to a whole new level. It's like the morning after the campaign he woke up and said, “Wow. Thank God that's over. Now I can go back to being creeped out by people.” Then he just disappeared. He went up to his office and locked himself away.

  Now of course, this freaks the media out, because they're not used to it. Compared to, say, Mulroney or CHRÉTIEN, Harper's agoraphobic. He's like a crazy old lady with nine cats. But you've got to give him credit. When he comes out of hiding, he does it with a bang.

  Popping up out of the blue in Afghanistan was very impressive. Because it is one thing for a prime minister to stand up in the lobby of the House of Commons and say nice things about our men and women in uniform, but anyone can do that. That move is on page one of the idiot's guide to being a prime minister. But for Harper to actually go to Afghanistan in person, that was putting his money where his mouth is.

  Kandahar is a snakepit no matter who you are. And for him to go there in person, it was telling those twenty-three hundred Canadian soldiers—who are risking their lives every single day—that if it's good enough for them, it's good enough for the prime minister. We're all in this together.

  That speech is worth a thousand speeches on Canadian soil. Because of that one visit, twenty-three hundred troops now know that the new guy has their back. And the rest of us know he's capable of the occasional classy move.

  HARPER AND CHINA | NOV. 21, 2006

  There's no doubt about it, the major economic superpower on the block these days is China. So it's no surprise that a lot of people freaked out when they heard that the president of China wouldn't even meet with Harper at the APEC Summit. But before anyone starts to think that Harper's screwed up one of the most important economic relationships that Canada has, let's be clear on one thing: it was the president of China who asked Harper out in the first place, and then when Harper said yes, China said no and then they said yes again.

  It's like China asked Harper out on an Internet date but then changed its mind once he showed up and didn't look like his picture. Hey, that's no swimmer's build! Then when China realized how shallow it would look, it agreed to a date, but drinks, no dinner. Clearly, China is a very fickle mistress.

  Now, to be fair, the Liberals were masters at this relationship. CHRÉTIEN spent more time in Beijing than he ever spent in Alberta. But that was then, this is now, and Canada is definitely off China's Christmas list. Not that Christmas is legal in China—but you get my point. And so what has the Harper government done that was so bad? Believe it or not, they've been too critical of China on human rights.

  Basically, a bunch of Tories went off to Vancouver and met the Dalai Lama, and China went crazy. And you know what? Who cares? Last time I looked, Canada was a free country. And the Chinese economy can grow as fast as it wants to, but that does not change the fact that we can meet with whomever we want. We can worship who we want, vote for who we want. Heck, for the time being we can even go out and get married to who we want.

  So China's little hissy fit is their problem, not ours. And sure we'll do business with China, but we're not going to act like China. Harper has done nothing wrong here; in fact, when it comes to China, for the first time in a long time, Canada's done something right.

  MY DINNER WITH STEVEN | AUG. 8, 2005

  Steven Fletcher rolled into town this week for the caucus retreat, and we finally followed through with an ongoing threat to hook up and have a few beers. Actually, it turns out he doesn't drink beer, but luckily he doesn't mind buying it.

  Fletcher is one of my favourite Tories. He is the health critic, a very funny guy and a great interview. He's also up for anything, which I love in an MP. The first time I interviewed him we tied a rope to the back of his wheelchair, I got on a Razor and he towed me around the Parliament buildings at a very alarming speed.

  There are certain advantages when shooting a segment on Parliament Hill with a quadriplegic. Normally if I tried to use a scooter on the Hill I'd be bounced in about three seconds. If you happen to be with a guy in a wheelchair, everyone assumes it's on the up and up. Steven is well aware of this advantage. Rumour has it that as a party trick he will intentionally run into a Liberal so that everyone gets to watch as the Liberal apologizes for being in the way.

  After two Heinekens at Stephen Fletcher's hotel we walked/motored up to Queen Street to Le Select Bistro for steak frites. In honour of my Western-based Conservative friend, I thought a French bistro was only appropriate.

  I felt flattered to have been fitted into his diary. If anyone ever gets it in their head that MPs don't work like Torbay ponies in the summer, they should check out Fletcher's schedule. He has toured over twenty-five hospitals in Ontario alone this summer, and has plans to see more. He is totally obsessed with his portfolio. He can talk health care until your eyes cross.

  And nice? This is a guy who has absolutely no anger in his voice when he tells the very funny story about an airline losing his wheelchair.

  Not long ago he found himself in Ottawa, sitting on a plane at 1:00 a.m., having just flown all the way from Winnipeg through Toronto, and nobody had a sweet clue where his wheelchair was. Eventually he ended up spending the night lying on an air mattress in the chapel.
He literally had to stay there until the next day so they could find the lost chair and fly it to Ottawa. And just when you think the story has ended he gets to the part about how the chapel filled up at dawn with travellers of the Muslim faith who had to take part in the Muslim call to prayer. Luckily they didn't mind the guy lying on the air mattress in the middle of the room, and Steven is partial to chanting.

  It's a funny story, but he's a better man than I.

  I go shit-crazy if my luggage stays on the tarmac for longer than thirty minutes. This guy's wheelchair gets lost and he is Mr. These Things Happen.

  And just to be clear, I don't mean to imply he isn't capable of anger. When he talks about the Gomery Inquiry, he looks like his head is going to come off his shoulders. He seems to have a huge tolerance for an honest mistake and an extremely low tolerance for graft and corruption. Not surprising, really. It's probably proof of his Conservative hidden agenda.

  BLAME GAME | FEB. 20, 2007

  Blaming the government for all our troubles is a great Canadian pastime. And I admit I've been doing that for much of my natural life. But occasionally the government gets the stick for something over which it has no control. And more often than not, when it happens, it's courtesy of Canada's all-knowing auditor general, Sheila Fraser.

  Fraser, apparently, has the power and the authority of the Pope, the Queen and the Dalai Lama all wrapped up in one. If this woman gets any more powerful, one of these days Canadians are going to wake up and find her standing at the foot of our beds yelling at us because our socks are on the floor.

  Sheila's currently upset about the Passport Office. Apparently they didn't have a plan in place to deal with all the Canadians who suddenly want to travel to the United States but don't have a passport.

  I know it sucks to be stuck in a lineup—I would rather have a spinal tap—but how in God's name is this the government's fault? Because unless you've been living in a tin,we all knew this was happening. The Liberals warned us about this two years ago. And I'm sorry, if it's seven o'clock on Christmas Eve and you're stuck at the back of a lineup with four hundred guys and a Tickle Me Elmo doll, that's your fault, not Wal-Mart's.

  I know, it's a tragedy that Dylan and Dougie want to spend March break at the Girls Gone Wild beach bash in Daytona Beach and they just figured today that's not in Ontario, but that is hardly a national crisis. Other than rounding us all up at gunpoint and forcing us into the Passport Office, I don't think there's much more the government can do on this.

  No matter what Sheila Fraser thinks, you cannot legislate against leaving things to the last minute. Which is a good thing—because otherwise, like most Canadians, I would be in jail.

  A FEW

  MODEST

  PROPOSALS

  Like I said earlier, it's a lot easier to criticize the people who run our country than it is to sing their praises. Constructive suggestions tend not to come so readily either. But once in a while I do find myself trying to be a bit more helpful.

  IT'S HEALTH, STUPID | MAR. 22, 2004

  Everyone is talking about how Paul Martin could lose the next election. Which, let's face it, is very Canadian. Sure we love our winners. We just don't mind when our winners suddenly take a face plant on the wrong side of the finish line. It's just something in our nature.

  And you have to admit, this is a very sexy story. There he is, Paul Martin, a man like any other man, except for some reason he is obsessed with becoming the prime minister of Canada. Why? Who knows, he just is. And then, after a lifetime of dedication, he finally gets the job only to see it all go horribly wrong and end in a humiliating defeat. It's like something right out of the Old Testament.

  Things are not good for the Liberals right now. For the first time in a decade, they actually have an opposition. And this whole sponsorship scandal, no matter how you look at it, makes them look like they've been stealing from the taxpayer. In terms of optics, stealing from the taxpayer is never very good.

  But as much as Canadians want to punish the Liberals, they might give them another chance. If, that is, they come through on health care. Look at the polls, Paul. Health care is all Canadians are concerned about. And I know why,too. It's the baby boomers again. They can't walk to the corner store without blowing out their knees, so they want the system fixed, and they want it fixed now.

  Yes, a health care budget could turn it around for the Liberals. And Paul, this doesn't mean having someone stand up in the House of Commons and say, “Health care is a Liberal priority.” That ain't gonna work. For that to work, people would have to trust the Liberals, and they don't anymore. They might vote for you, but they definitely don't trust you.

  People want to see cash in the system. We want to see happy nurses, happy doctors, happy premiers. Come on, Paul, health care could be your ace in the hole, but talking about it is not going to do it. You want to keep your job, you're going to have to put your money where your mouth is. So remove the foot and show us the cash.

  PAUL MARTIN'S ARMY | JAN. 12, 2004

  Canada's defence policy is very simple: we don't really need one because America's defence policy is also very simple. Basically, if you mess with America, they will kill you.

  Because we're attached to America, nobody messes with us. We're like the cockiest kid in grade three. Nobody in the playground is going to say boo to us because we've got a brother who's in grade six, weighs two hundred pounds and can break stuff with his forehead.

  If that's the case, why do we have the Armed Forces in the first place? Well, obviously, Ottawa's been wondering the same thing. Prime Minister Martin was minister of finance for ten years. He used to make cuts to the military before his feet hit the floor in the morning, but did that mean fewer missions? No, it meant more missions with fewer resources, which would lead to the equipment debate. Ottawa would say the Armed Forces have all the equipment they need, whereas the guys getting shot at would say, um, no, actually we don't.

  So who are you going to believe? I have no idea, but I do have a proposal, and I think Paul Martin will like it because it's fiscally responsible, and he gets off on that sort of thing.

  This is my plan. For the next ten years, when it comes to the Armed Forces, we spend like drunken sailors. I don't know where the money's going to come from. We can put it on the Canadian Tire card for all I care. But if the Armed Forces say they need something, we give it to them. And then in 2013, we can sit down and we can say, okay, we've got these excellent, fully equipped Armed Forces. Are we going to keep going with this peacekeeping thing, this idea that we came up with that defined us all over the world, or are we just going to say, shag it, let's close the entire works down, have a yard sale, shut up and go sit at the kiddie table with Iceland?

  I know, Paul, it's an expensive plan. But if we're going to ask people to leave the best place on earth and go to the worst places on earth and keep the peace and do it in the name of Canada, the least we can do is back them up with the gold card.

  CHILDREN ARE THE FUTURE BUT BEER IS NOW | DEC. 13, 2005

  Like so many Canadians, I was appalled by Scott Reid's comment about the proposed Conservative child care plan. In case you missed it, Scott recently quipped that under the plan parents could choose to spend their twenty-five-dollar-a-week child care allowance on beer instead of child care. Clearly Scott is wrong. We all know that in this country it would be impossible to find a parent who would spend twenty-five bucks a week on beer. For starters, a case of beer costs more than twenty-five bucks. A case of domestic is about thirty-five bucks, and the trendier imports cost even more. I happen to know this because I drink beer. I don't have kids, so I had no idea what child care costs. I admit I'm surprised to discover that twenty-five bucks a week will cover it, but what do I know.

  While we all recognize and agree that Scott is an enemy of all that is holy, I feel there is a bigger issue at hand here. In the stampede to condemn Scott and his comments about child care policy, I have noticed a very real and very ugly sentiment sneaking int
o the national discourse. I am talking of course, about an anti-beer agenda.

  I ask you, Canada, since when is it okay to beat up beer drinkers?

  I do not believe that just because someone said something stupid it should suddenly be open season on lovers of ale and lager. We all have a responsibility to protect the most vulnerable in society, and this week the most vulnerable are the people you have a few pints with.

  So I ask you: who will stand up for the beer drinker? Not the Conservative party, that's for sure. The Conservative party has made statements about beer this week that are not just hurtful but verge on the hateful.

  Conservative child care critic Rona Ambrose called a press conference this week to condemn Scott Reid. That's fine, but did she stop there? No. Rona Ambrose placed a warm case of Blue on a table and openly mocked both the product and those who consume it. She held a case of Blue up for ridicule! Is this a Canada you recognize? Imagine if she did this with a Jewish person or a homosexual or a midget! Shame, Rona, shame.

  And now I hear that an “anti-beer special interest group” has created a website to promote this anti-beer, pro-child agenda. They are collecting names for a petition at the website www.kidsnotbeer.com.

  I am not prepared to let the Kids Not Beer people win this one. I know these people have a healthy head start, but beer drinkers are out there, and if I can get to them before six or seven in the evening, they can be organized. Together we can stand up and say, “My Canada includes having a few pops.”

  So please go to www.beernotkids.com and sign my Beer Not Kids petition.

  Let's stop the hate and let the beer drinking begin.