Rick Mercer Report
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Despite the rocky start, most of what occurred overseas seemed to work in the prime minister's favour. For one thing, he's to be commended for taking his minister of defence with him again. It's apparently part of a new “bring your cabinet minister to work” program he's testing in response to criticism that he keeps his ministers on a short leash. He interpreted the criticism to mean he was being too easy on his ministers and issued shorter leashes with electric-shock collars, designed to curb barking in house pets. These collars, which are triggered by vibrations of the vocal chords, have had mixed results, however.
John Baird, for example, has taken to wearing the device in an unprescribed manner. As a result he seems to enjoy the sound of his own voice more than he did six months ago (if such a thing is possible). Insiders attribute this to the pulsating shock that is administered to an unknown part of his nether regions whenever he starts barking.
As proof, you only had to watch the twitches of pleasure as he gleefully reported a government employee had been marched out of the Department of the Environment offices in handcuffs for the crime of leaking his climate change plan to someone who apparently cared.
The employee in question, of course, turns out to be a kid on a temporary contract tasked with monitoring the media for mentions of the minister's name. He was, to put it mildly, the lowest man on a very tall totem poll. Not only that, he is also a drummer in a band. What I want to know is—what kind of person lets the drummer have access to a top-secret plan in the first place? Had the minister not met a drummer before?
Baird, rightly so, has no time for this type of so-called “political action.” Political action is no excuse for breaking the law. Although Baird did use the same excuse after being dragged away by police for disturbing the peace at Liberal MP Peter Milliken's nomination meeting a few years back.
Perhaps that's why Baird is so angry at this whipper-snapper. Perhaps when the minister closes his eyes at night he sees a little bit of himself in the young anarchist. And speaking of anarchists, the brain trust must deal with the fact that the hottest new read on Parliament Hill is the Conservatives' own guide to disrupting Parliament, another document leaked to the National Post's Don Martin.
The 200-page manual, prepared by the PMO, instructs committee chairs on ways to make parliamentary committees hopelessly inefficient to the point that they cease to function. The intention is to sabotage the working of Parliament and then blame the Liberals and the NDP, in order to convince the voters that a minority government can't work.
The idea that such a strategy exists is hardly surprising. The fact they put it in writing takes stupid to a whole new level.
On the upside, the party doesn't seem the least bit upset that this document has been leaked. They are confident that Canadians are simply too stupid to understand the ramifications of a government intentionally causing chaos and deadlock.
So while it is too early to tell if Harper will get a bounce in the polls once the country has seen him stare through binoculars at an Afghani outpost, the hard work continues. Based on past performances I think it's a safe bet to say the Tory brain trust never sleeps. I'm also guessing they are low on blood sugar, but that's purely speculation on my part.
All I do know is that every possible scenario on how to ingratiate Harper into the hearts and minds of Canadians is being suggested in that room.
If only the walls could talk.
They can't of course. If they could, they would have been arrested long ago.
FROM THE DESK OF PRIME MINISTER HARPER | JUNE 1, 2007
Dear Friends and Supporters,
Canada's new government is now sixteen months old.
As for any happy, healthy sixteen-month-old, our every day is full of challenges. One minute things are looking rosy and we seem to have complete control of our faculties, the next minute we become completely irrational, bash our heads against the wall and wet ourselves.
However, we have accomplished much in those sixteen months. Before Canada's new government came to power, parents whose children were enrolled in hockey didn't receive a tax deduction. Canada's new government heard the cry and we answered the call. If your kid is in hockey you can now deduct a dollar thirty a day from your income tax. If you don't have a kid in hockey you are probably gay or lesbian.
Promise made, promise kept, my friends.
Other highlights of the mandate so far? I have seen many hockey games. I met Russian hockey star Vladislav Tretiak and I acquired the services of a personal stylist whose job it is to pick out a lip gloss for me every day. Understand that when I say “I” acquired the services of a stylist what I really mean is that you the taxpayer did. She is on your dime so in many ways that she is Canada's personal stylist, in much the same way the governor general is Canada's governor general.
Also I am proud to say that very early in my mandate I ensured that senior citizens in every province and territory lost billions of dollars they had invested in income trusts. I should add that the hockey games were very exciting for me personally and that I prefer a bubblegum-flavoured gloss over cherry.
Speaking of gloss, I now believe the time has now come for the Conservative Party of Canada to reveal five new priorities. They are:
Aboriginal Issues—Canada's new government recognizes that Canada's aboriginal peoples have legitimate land claims that should be dealt with in a timely manner. To this end we promise that we will increase the number of attack ads featuring Stéphane Dion by 50 per cent in the next three months. In the words of great Canadian actor Joe Two Rivers, me like-um Stephen Harper.
The Environment—This was always a priority of Canada's new government, but unfortunately a government employee, a bureaucrat, accidentally spilled White-Out on our platform and as a result the word “environment” was lost. This bureaucrat is an incompetent. This was not our fault, this was Public Services' fault. We care about the environment so much we fired a slew of people in the Department of the Environment and are running a new Stéphane Dion attack during the season finale of Canada's Next Top Model.
Northern sovereignty—The future is in Canada's North. In an effort to ensure that resources in Northern Canada are developed in a responsible way, Canada's new government has instructed the Department of Finance to audit Julie Van Dusen's and Mike Duffy's tax returns for the last eleven years. The Mike Duffys of this world will not stop progress in the North. This must and will stop.
Open and Accountable Government. Yes, the catchphrase “open and accountable” will not go away. We are prepared to use it every day and every night. To ensure an even more open government, Communications Director Sandra Buckler will now assume her new position as head of the RCMP and Canada's spy agency CSIS. We will also cut funding to more museums.
This fifth priority is a secret. Any suggestion that we couldn't come up with a fifth priority is scurrilous and unfounded. Any individual, group, media outlet, political party or church group who suggests we have run out of ideas supports the Taliban.
And now if I may, I would like to address one particularly worrisome issue facing Canada. Some of you have written to me stating your concern that the party has strayed from its core principles. As you may have noticed, I did not respond. Please do not take this personally. I simply do not respond to letters. Heck, the parents of a deceased soldier wrote me a letter and I didn't bother responding to them so why would I respond to you? What are you going to do, vote Liberal? Stéphane Dion is not a leader, I am a leader, I am the prime minister of Canada and I don't answer letters unless they pertain to hockey.
Now let me pass on a little anecdote. Yesterday a young man said to me, “Mr. Harper, you are great, thank you for the one-cent GST cut, you are great, see you at Tim Horton's!” This is clearly a great Canadian. I tell that story all the time during family time, which happens at the family table where my family and I gather to enjoy time together as a family.
My friends, I only wish Stéphane Dion understood the importance of family. But he only has
one child and she doesn't even live with him. She goes to university in Quebec. I wouldn't be surprised if she ends up studying in France, even. I'm sure he doesn't mind. Liberals hate families more than they hate our troops.
In conclusion let me say God bless Canada and that many Liberals such as Navdeep Baines wear turbans and therefore may or may not be associated with extreme elements.
Yours truly
Stephen Harper
LACK-OF-PERSONALITY CULT | NOV. 6, 2007
Another National Press Gallery dinner came and went in Ottawa last week.
This is an annual shindig where politicians and members of the media sit down together, have a few beers and eat some rubber chicken, and political leaders of the day make a few silly speeches at their own expense. In 1925 Mackenzie King danced on a table. In 1957 Diefenbaker threw buns at the reporters.
But Stephen Harper's in charge now, and he refused to go. Now this is a very telling decision.
Prime ministers never want to go to this thing, but traditionally they suck it back and go anyway. Politics is a little like junior high. Every year the principal of the school,whether he wants to or not, has to go to the talent show, put on the stupid Hawaiian shirt and the Ray-Bans, and lip-sync to the Spice Girls so that for one shining moment the kids don't think he's a giant tool.
Harper doesn't get this. So he doesn't go. Fine. It's a free country, he can do what he wants. But that's not good enough for him. He has to go one step further and try to ruin it for everyone else by ordering his cabinet ministers to cancel on their dates at the last minute. The truly disturbing thing is, they did.
A lot of us have demanding bosses, but is there a man or woman in Canada with a shred of dignity who would allow their boss to tell them what social events they're allowed to attend on a Saturday night?
Harper's moving out of domineering boss territory and into David Koresh-land. At this point the only things he's missing are the robes and the eleven wives. Just not liking people is now a badge of honour for him.
If I were the Tories I'd be a little bit worried. The economy is red hot, the dollar's through the roof, the GST is coming down, everyone's working and the Tories are still only four points ahead of Stéphane Dion—and everyone thinks he's an idiot.
It is quite possible that despite all the good news the majority of Canadians are never going to sign on to Harper's vision of Canada: where fun is frowned upon but frowning upon others is fun.
THE INVISIBLE GOVERNMENT | JAN. 29, 2008
This week saw the publication of Manley Report, or as it's formally known, “The Independent Panel on Canada's Future Role in Afghanistan.” It's a scintillating read. I don't want to give away the ending, but basically it says that Canada should stay the course. It also says that Canadians have no idea what that course is.
For Stephen Harper, the Manley Report is the feelgood read of the year. Because even though his government hasn't bothered to do its job and tell us why we're in Afghanistan, he does not view this as a failure to communicate. He views this as a triumph of modern leadership.
The words “Harper government” and “communicate” have never appeared in the same sentence without the word “won't” in the middle. At first this was a bit of breath of fresh air coming off the Liberals, where you couldn't turn on the TV without seeing some cabinet minister on there blathering on about whatever their department was up to.
But with Harper, the pendulum has swung the other way. He doesn't have cabinet ministers so much as he has chalk outlines on the sidewalk. And to be successful in Harper's cabinet you have to abide by the three D's: don't see, don't hear, don't say. If Helen Keller were alive today, she could have any job she wanted. They promised accountability; they've delivered invisibility.
You could take a hundred bucks, stand on any street corner in Canada and offer people five bucks if they can name three cabinet ministers off the top of their head—double their money if they can name the minister of health. At the end of the day you'd still have enough money for dinner and a movie. Which is exactly the way Stephen Harper likes it. As far as he's concerned, good government is out of sight and out of mind. And fine, that might make his life easier, but he's got to remember: the Conservatives were hired to run this country, not to hide from it.
And these things, they come in threes: out of sight, out of mind could mean out of office.
THE END
With Bob Rae again.
Broadcast Oct. 10, 2006
MERCER: We still have to get that one memorable moment.
RAE: I have an idea.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Rick Mercer first came to fame with Show Me the Button, I'll Push It (Or, Charles Lynch Must Die), a one-man show that premiered at the National Arts Centre in 1990 and subsequently toured across Canada. He co-created and was a resident performer on CBC's This Hour Has 22 Minutes, created and starred in five seasons of the critically acclaimed Made in Canada, and created and starred in the CBC special Talking to Americans, which premiered to over 2.7 million viewers on April 1, 2001, making it the most-watched comedy special in Canadian television history. He is now host of Rick Mercer Report. Rick is co-chair with Belinda Stronach of the Spread the Net campaign—www.spreadthenet.org—dedicated to preventing the spread of malaria in Africa. His many honours include 21 Geminis and the Governor General's Performing Arts Award. He is from St. John's, Newfoundland and Labrador.
Copyright © 2007 Rick Mercer
All rights reserved. The use of any part of this publication, reproduced, transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, or stored in a retrieval system without the prior written consent of the publisher—or, in the case of photocopying or other reprographic copying, a license from the Canadian Copyright Licensing Agency—is an infringement of the copyright law.
Anchor Canada and colophon are trademarks.
Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication
Mercer, Rick, 1969–
Rick Mercer Report: the book.
eISBN: 978-0-307-37211-6
1. Rick Mercer Report (Television program) 2. Canada—Politics and government—1993–2006—Humor. 3. Canada—Politics and government—2006–Humor. 4. Canadian wit and humor (English) I. Title.
FC173.M473 2007 971.07′20207 C2007-903897-2
Photo credits: page 34 (© CP/Fred Chartrand); page 60 (© National Post / Kier Gilmour); page 72 (© National Post/Peter J. Thompson); page 144 (© iStockphoto); page 161 (© The Telegram); page 236 (© CP/Tom Hanson); page 251 (© Minister of Public Works and Government Services/Corporal David McCord). All RMR pictures © Rick Mercer.
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