Sleepless Nights

by Amanda Heath

  “You can get her back. She’d forgive you before sorry even passed your lips. That girl loves you somethin’ fierce. She’d do anythin’ for you,” Ryan tells me, getting’ a beer from Bastard who’s tendin’ bar tonight.

  Bastard has been standin’ behind the bar tonight just starin’ at me. I don’t know what he wants though. He’s been playin’ both sides for years now. Not that it makes him a traitor. He’s friends with Victor and Talon but he’s also a brother. Doesn’t mean I don’t wanna punch him in the fuckin’ face.

  I don’t reply to Ryan. I don’t want to speak again for the rest of my life. It’ll all come pouring out of me. Everythin’ I’ve been holdin’ inside. “Whiskey,” I tell Bastard. Maybe I can get by only speakin’ one word at a time. Maybe then it’ll all stay in.

  “You sure about that? It’s only gonna make it worse,” Bastard states, never movin’ to get me a shot of whiskey.

  I stand up and walk around the bar. No one stops me as I grab up a bottle of Jack and head to my room. I stop dead when I get to the door. Her name is still on there and I decide then and there to never take it off. I decide to never give her a divorce either. She doesn’t deserve it. I thought I knew her. I thought she loved me.

  I kick the door closed after I open it and enter the room. I unscrew the cap of the bottle and pour some of it down my throat. Pictures hang on the walls and I almost throw everythin’ in my stomach, back up.

  I see her everywhere. I hear her everywhere. I feel her everywhere.

  There’s nowhere I can run, nowhere I can hide. I’m left with the destruction of our life while she runs into the arms of another man. What did I ever do to deserve this? I gave her everythin’ I had.

  I love her with everythin’ I have.

  Poundin’ starts on my door but I don’t get up to answer it. I just keep takin’ large swallows of the whiskey. My mind wanders back to Ashley. It always goes back to Ashley.

  Maybe I spent too much time thinkin’ about her every day. Maybe I wanted her too much, made her do too much. Did I push her into his arms? Or was she always just a whore?

  I lay back on the bed and stare up at the ceilin’ as tears trail down my face. They make me weak but not as weak as Ashley does. I knew when she started askin’ about goin’ to see Victor what she was up to. She loves him. I was jealous of that love but in my heart and my mind, I knew she didn’t love him like she loves me.

  She loves him more.

  The door to my room is thrown open and there stands Chutney. She has a pissed off look on her face and before I know it, she jumps on top of me and starts punchin’ me in the face.

  “You are the stupidest person I’ve ever met!” she bellows. The noise pulls at my heart because I can hear the hurt in her voice. She’ll feel this too, along with Lola. Ashley won’t be able to enter the clubhouse. She’s no longer a part of the club.

  Serves her right. She took my heart so I’m takin’ her only friends.

  “She wants him, Princess,” I say, my voice barely above a whisper. I don’t have the strength to talk like normal. I don’t have the strength for a lot of things.

  Chutney slaps me again and this time I feel blood pool under my nose. I don’t move to clean it off. “Bullcrap! She wants you! You know how many times she told me what an awful relationship she had with Victor? She couldn’t stand to be around him half the time. I know she loves him but she loves him like a friend. She’s known him her whole life. You can’t just get rid of those feelings.” Chutney covers her face with her hands and lets out a sob. “Glossy loves you Damien. I swear to the moon and back that she loves you! She wants you! Please go get her back!” She starts poundin’ on my chest now but I don’t feel it. The alcohol has made me numb, just like I wanted it to.

  “Princess…leave him alone. He wants to wallow in his own misery, let him. You know Glossy, she’ll pull through. Damien made his choice and there ain’t nothin’ we can do about it baby girl.” Pop’s voice sounds off but I don’t think too much on that. I did do this and I won’t take it back.

  Ashley came from finer things. She didn’t want to be with a lowlife like me. Not really. She was just waitin’ around for her soldier to get back from war.

  Fuck that.

  Chutney slaps me one more time before getting’ off my bed and crossin’ to Pop. He holds her against his chest while she softly cries. “One of these days you’re gonna pull that head of yours outta your ass. I pray to fuckin’ God it ain’t too late.”

  I spent the rest of the night starin’ at the ceilin’. I spent lots of nights like that. There were loads of sleepless nights in my life during the five years before I saw Ashley again.

  I tried to pass my life on club pussy but they didn’t help. Every single one of them weren’t Ashley. I had to close my eyes and picture Ashley in my head to get off. Then the little bitches would get clingy and that wasn’t any fun. I guess they thought they were good enough to replace my wife, when everyone knew they weren’t. No one was good enough to replace my wife.

  I drank myself to sleep for months after I left her. Months I’ll never get back. When I finally decided alcohol wasn’t goin’ to chase the pain away, I sobered up. Then I started watchin’ Ashley. I even bought a house three blocks from her mother’s. I didn’t want to get too close to Victor’s because that asshole would find out I lived close. Not that he knows anythin’ but he knows who I am, who my father is. Bastard might have a past with Victor and Talon but he’s also a brother, and if you ain’t loyal to the Wrath’s then you’re a dead son of a bitch. So no, Bastard wouldn’t give anythin’ away to Victor.

  It’s a wonder Glossy didn’t know I was around. I guess I hid it pretty well since I bought a truck and didn’t drive my bike near her house or when I was lookin’ after her.

  At one point I thought I could run away from her memory. I started goin’ on lots of runs for the club. I started takin’ care of people who needed to be taken care of. I got harder on the outside and uglier on the inside. She was on my mind though. I knew what she was doin’ in her life, I knew where she was. I couldn’t forget her, I couldn’t stop followin’ her. I was sick with it.

  But I knew she was happy. I knew Victor was makin’ her happy and honestly, that’s all that mattered. Kind of ironic, right? I was miserable without her but she was fuckin’ happy and livin’ her dream. But I still held resentment. She sent divorce papers several times and each time I just chucked ‘em in the trash. She wasn’t goin’ to marry Victor. She couldn’t take that away from me.

  I guess I should have known that I couldn’t really ever escape her. She was my first love and the love of my life. It’s impossible to ever get over either.

  Though I prayed every night that I would get over her.

  Six

  Present Day

  Ashley

  Okay, so I didn’t go into hysterics because Victor probably found out I’m married to Damien. No, I’m upset because it won’t be long before my entire family finds out I lied. That I hid an entire life from them. And I did it for seven years.

  Gah, I’ve been married for seven years, I’m getting old.

  “Ashley? You gonna be okay?” his deep, raspy voice asks. Chills race up and down my spine. I never thought in my life I would be this close to him again, to hear his voice speak my name and for him to touch me. It brings back all the old feelings and memories, ones I pushed to the back of my mind and locked into a steel cage and promised to never open again.

  “Will you promise me something?” I asked, sitting on my hands on our bed. His shirt is lying on the floor along with mine. Chuck rests at the foot watching us with his different colored eyes; one dark brown and one light blue.

  He looks up from his phone and meets my eyes. “What, baby?”

  I smile shyly, something I don’t do. Me shy? Yeah right. “Will you always love me?” We’d been married months ago but sometimes I feel like all the happiness he brings me is going to go away. That I’ll wake up one day and he won’t b
e here. I’ll be alone and crazy without him.

  Rage pulls me against him, my bra-covered chest against his naked one. He nuzzles his nose against mine before meeting my eyes. The deep blue sea color drawing me in and locking me in place. “I’ll love you until I fuckin’ die. Promise you that,” he whispers, before my lips are taken in a ravenous kiss.

  But neither of us kept that promise.

  Then I snap out of it. I can’t believe I even started harboring those thoughts. He pushed me away because I was worried about someone I once loved. Someone I had spent my life around, a person who used to be my best friend. And I’m still pissed about that.

  “I’m fine. Just stop touching me.” I look up at those eyes I used to stare into for long periods of time. Eyes I saw first thing in the morning, and eyes that were the last thing I saw before I went to sleep. “In fact, why don’t you leave? I was having a conversation with Blade, ” I snap, shoving his hands away, which were still near my face.

  Rage grunts and moves away from me. He hasn’t changed much since the last time I saw him. Though he is broader and his hair is shorter. He used to wear it falling into his eyes but now it comes up about an inch from his scalp. He turns to look at his father and I wince. “Glossy” is tattooed on one side of his neck. The tat is in an elegant script, unlike Ashley on the other side of his neck. That one is in bold letters. I used to think it was sweet that he put both my names on his body. But now I realize it was just another way he was trying to control me. He wanted everyone to know I was his property. No one else could have me.

  Used to be I didn’t want anyone else.

  “Still think you shoulda left her to her own devices. You’re just gonna piss Victor off even more,” he mutters to his father before turning back to me. “Plus, she wanted him in the first place. I say let him have her, save me a fuckin’ headache.”

  I roll my eyes. “It’s been five years, Damien. Get the fuck over it.” I snap my mouth shut because I’m not that girl anymore. Not the one who speaks her mind. Not the one who disrespects other people. I still don’t take shit from other people but I don’t use curse words to express how I feel.

  “You left me for him. I ain’t ever gonna get over it. Must be nice to hop from one guy to the next one just like that.” He takes a few steps closer to me, his eyes dead when they look at me. “Betrayal’s a bitter fuckin’ pill, Ashley. You’re lucky you ain’t dead, let alone that fuckin’ prick.”

  I roll my eyes again. I got tired of having this conversation years ago. “So because I cared about someone else, I betrayed you?”

  “Damn straight.” A cocky grin lifts his lips up and he crosses his arms over his wide chest. “I fucked my way through every club whore I could find. Felt good to get you outta my system. I realized pussy is just fuckin’ pussy.”

  I grit my teeth but I couldn’t keep the tears from falling. They crashed down my face but he never once swayed. He never once looked sorry as he watched me cry. I was weak and he made me this way.

  “Tears? You think that’s gonna affect me? I don’t give two fucks about you, girl.” I close my eyes at his words trying to make them go away. But they force themselves down into my soul. What happened to that boy I loved? Did I kill him?

  No, but I’m about to. I watch his face closely as I spew my venom. I may not be that hardass, not-caring-about-shit girl anymore but I still knew how to hurt this man. “Before I sold the apartment, I fucked Victor in our bed. I fucked him in every room and on every surface where you touched me. And I loved every fucking second of it.”

  His face pales and I watch his hands shake as he brings them down from his chest. We stare at each other with pain and hatred. The only things left between us.

  Blade clears his throat, causing me to jump because I totally forgot he was in the room. “I think you’re done here, Rage. Ain’t nothin’ left to say.” He looks between us with pity but I don’t care. We are pathetic. A love like ours was reduced to this. Petty words and evil looks.

  What a waste.

  “Can I go home now? I don’t have anything to tell you about Victor.” I finally get off the floor and stand to my fullest height. I’m done cowering on the floor from Rage.

  “What do you mean you ain’t got nothin’ to tell? You’re fuckin’ that bastard and you don’t know shit?” Rage spits out around gritted teeth.

  I look up at the ceiling and sigh. “I haven’t fucked Victor in two years. In fact, I’ve been single for two years. I got sick of alpha males and their controlling bullshit.”

  Rage blanches and takes a step back. Then he looks at his father in disbelief. “You knew for two years? And you didn’t fuckin’ tell me?”

  Blade sighs himself and sinks down into his chair. “I figured if she wanted ya son, she woulda showed up here for ya.” Then he shrugs his shoulders. That’s when Rage starts glaring at him and Blade starts to glare back.

  I start tapping my foot and pursing my lips. “Seriously, can I go? I have a business to run and other things to take care of.”

  They both look from each other to me. “No,” they say in unison and go back to glaring at each other.

  “You can yell at me later. Right now I need her to talk to Victor’s boy,” Blade states, shifting in his seat and making the chair rock back and forth.

  “Talon? I’m not talking to Talon. I wouldn’t even know how to reach him, except through Victor and I’m not talking to him either,” I state, crossing my arms over my chest and raising one eyebrow. I’m wearing a white V-neck t-shirt and the movement pushes my breasts higher, which catches the notice of Rage. “Pig,” I mutter.

  Blade chuckles. “We got him. He’s here at the club.”

  I blink a few times, Rage and his disgusting self, forgotten. “How did you get him here?” I move to sit down in the chair I was sitting in earlier. My heels are starting to make my feet ache and these jeans are riding up my ass.

  Rage moves to sit next to me and he has to walk right in front of me. His tight black jeans touch my leg. Normally a guy in tight jeans would turn me off, but no man can rock them like Rage. They fit to his perfect ass like glue and his toned legs are showcased in just the right way. The touch brings back memories of two years of sex I’ll never get back. I looked good back then and I was in really good shape.

  Men.

  Rage’s black t-shirt rides up a little, exposing a tattoo on his stomach I haven’t seen. When I met him Rage didn’t have any tats. He slowly started to get them after we got married. My names on his neck were some of the first. There’re actually all kinds of colors and beautiful art work on his skin. It helps that Ryan, aka Storm, is a very talented artist. Rage was the guinea pig in the beginning but his tats never looked like crap. They always impressed me and I was proud of Ryan.

  Back then Ryan and I were close. I loved him like my fourth little brother and I’ve missed him, along with Lola. I was surprised to get an invitation to their wedding, but of course I didn’t go. There was no need to start a brawl on their special day.

  Anyway, the new tat on Rage’s stomach is words. As I stare I start to make them out and my breathing gets faster. “I wanna hold your hand” are the words.

  Our song.

  “Ashley?” Blade says, making me bring my eyes back up to his face. “You listenin’?”

  “No,” I say, because I’m not listening and I have no idea what he was just saying or that he was even talking.

  “Well quit starin’ at my son’s junk so we can get back on to business.” I feel my cheeks flush and I don’t dare look at Rage. I just know he’s wearing a cocky smile or some shit.

  “I was sayin’, last night Talon and Victor attacked Bastard. Victor got away when we got there but we caught Talon about a block away. So we brought him back here.” Blade looks proud of himself but all I can think about is the lawyer fees I’ll be paying to get my father-in-law and husband out of jail.

  “YOU KIDNAPPED TALON HARTFORD? HIS FATHER IS THE FUCKING GOVERNOR! YOU CAN’T JUST KIDN
AP HIM!” I screech.

  “Chill, Ashley,” Rage says next to me, slouching in his chair like the world isn’t about to end, because it sure as fuck is.

  “You...I…You have no idea. Oh my God. Victor is going to be here any second and blow this place up!” I screech this out as well but not nearly as loud.

  “Fuckin’ chill. Seriously. Ain’t nothing goin’ to go down.” I glare up at the ceiling because I’m surrounded by idiots.

  “Fine. If you say so. But when that crazy dude shows up here ready for war, don’t say I didn’t warn you.” I stand up and dust off the front of my jeans to hide the fact that I’m shaking like a leaf.

  “Where are you goin’? I done told you, you can’t fuckin’ leave.” Rage looks at me with spite and all I want to do is punch him in the face. Though I haven’t hit anyone in five years, it feels like longer. I miss the rush right before my fist connects with flesh.

  Simmer down, Ashley; you’re not like that anymore.

  “You want me to talk to Talon? Then take me to him. He’s not going to say anything to me though. I’m married to the enemy.” I make my way to the office door and wait for one of them to come and show me the way.

  ***

  Talon Hartford has always been my enemy. I had to fight for his respect; I had to fight for the right to be with my own boyfriend because Talon didn’t approve of me. Maybe he always saw inside of me. Saw the things I didn’t want anyone around me to see. He has that way about him. He knows everything and he sees everything. He has a quiet strength you won’t see coming until his fist is breaking your face. He always intimidated me, always pushed me when I didn’t want to be pushed. I’ve honestly never had to be around someone I hated so much.

  The Wraths are keeping him in the basement. You might have seen that coming but I didn’t. I didn’t even know this clubhouse had a basement. Hell, I don’t think I was supposed to know.