Sleepless Nights

by Amanda Heath

  “I can’t help with Victor. Do you know what he did? He’s dead, Annabella. There’s nothing that will save him. Talon is lucky his father runs this state, that he’s a powerful man so that makes his son untouchable.” Sorrow flows through my body for the man I used to love. Victor and I were happy at some point in our on again, off again relationship. There was pure love between us, mixed in with all the bad things. It’s not like he tried to make me weak, I just felt like I was always trying to hold on to him. I just wanted him to show me he cared instead of keeping it locked away inside.

  Annabella’s eyes start to fill with tears and for once I know they are real. She knows he’s not savable. Victor did something you just can’t take back. “Please, Ashley. Talk to Greyson. Go talk to that guy you used to be friends with, what’s his name? Sage?”

  I laugh at that one. “Sage and I haven’t spoken in over ten years. And Uncle Greyson can’t do anything either. He had to publicly disown Victor so the mob wouldn’t touch the rest of us. Though you aren’t safe. You probably need to get out of the country or something. I won’t help you with that either.”

  Annabella gets onto her knees and crawls over to me. Her hands land on my knees and her honey eyes plead with me. “What would you do if it was Van? Pierce? Even that dipshit Channing? Would you just let them die? What am I supposed to do, huh? Victor is my only blood relative. He’s the only person who still loves me.” Her sobs wrack her skinny body and that place inside of me that used to love her, pulls her into my arms. She feels foreign against me, since I haven’t touched her in years.

  That’s when my own tears start to fall. I close my eyes tight, trying to keep them inside, but I can’t. I’ve known Victor all my life, how do you just let a person like that go?

  ***

  I sit in one of the chairs in Blade’s office. I stare at the pictures on the walls as I contemplate my racing thoughts. Annabella lays asleep on the couch next to the far wall. She looks so peaceful; it’s hard to imagine she’s a totally crazy bitch. But maybe in her sleep she’s an angel, considering she can’t open her mouth.

  I think about the man chained up in the basement. How once upon a time I would have loved to see him in that position. At someone else’s mercy. It doesn’t suit him at all. Talon just has this energy about him, always moving, always doing something with his hands. It drove me crazy because he would take Victor all over the place while I sat at home alone. Victor was supposed to be with me, but Talon didn’t think girls were fun to hang out with.

  When I woke up this morning, I knew the world was about to end, as I knew it. I felt it in my gut. Now Victor is at the mercy of the mob, Talon is at the mercy of the Wraths, and Annabella is at the mercy of me. A place I like her. She’s easier to control when you’re holding something over her head. The bitch.

  I have no idea how to get us out of this mess. I have no idea what to do and how to save everyone involved. I shouldn’t care about Victor, Talon or Annabella, but what kind of person would it make me if I left them to die? They were once my family, once the people I saw every day, lived with, even. And you always take care of your family.

  Though the people in this clubhouse were once my family too. Technically they still are since Rage and I never got divorced. My past is split between two different men. They were completely different, yet exactly the same. Always pulling me in and pushing me away. That’s why seeing Annabella here, in a place I once used to run away from it all, is so strange. It’s like both of my pasts are merging into one.

  Suddenly exhausted, I drift off to sleep as pictures from one past and a person from another fill my head.

  Ten years ago

  Victor stands in front of me, holding onto Annabella’s hand as she tries to make an escape. “You know when Lily is going to get home?” he asks me, but I only stare at his face. I’ve known him all my life but for some strange reason, ever since he hit puberty over the summer, I can’t stop staring at him.

  I’ve always been taller than all the other girls and most of the boys, but now Victor is taller than me. I love that I have to look up at him. I love his honey brown eyes that match his hair perfectly. His face is carved out of stone, perfection I couldn’t even try to understand. God shouldn’t make boys this gorgeous. “I have no idea.”

  Lily is my mom, in case you were wondering. She had to take a shift at the hospital on short notice and left hours ago. “Annabella got into a fight at school today,” he states, looking down at his sister. Her getting into a fight isn’t a surprise. Sometimes it’s like she’s mad at the world and other times it’s like she can’t get enough of being in the world.

  I look down at Victor’s little sister; with matching hair and eyes just like her brother’s. “Why’d you go and do that Anna?” I ask her, a slight smirk on my lips. There’s nothing more awesome than a girl who can stand up for herself. Violence might not be the best answer, but sometimes words don’t work, so why not just punch someone in the face? I’ve tried to use words but they either fall on deaf ears or I got made fun of more. When I started punching the bully’s, I found I got my point across better.

  “Channing pulled my hair. Pierce said it’s cuz he likes me, but I tried to tell him he just hates me. Channing doesn’t like it when Pierce messes with him, so he takes it out on me.” Everyone calls my younger brother Courtney, Pierce, except for my mother and me. I don’t think it’s cool like everyone else does. I know his little eyes can pierce your soul and all that shit, but I don’t feel the need to point it out every day. Though he gets called Pierce because he says he doesn’t like his first name.

  I bend down to get level with Annabella’s nine-year-old eyes. “You need to tell Channing that his problem isn’t with you then. Tell him to take it out on Courtney. They need to learn to fight their own battles, and if Channing can’t take Court messing with him, he needs to shit or get off the pot.”

  Annabella giggles when I say shit. I don’t have to worry about her repeating the bad words because she knows better. I’ve had her under my wing for years now. I’ll make her a badass little woman before long.

  “I don’t know what I’m gonna do with you two,” Victor grumbles, and pulls Annabella along behind him up the stairs.

  “Let her deal with it, Victor. You can’t fight all her battles. She’s gotta learn to do it herself,” I holler up the stairs. I stay at the bottom because I know a battle is brewing between the two of us. He doesn’t like it when I tell him how to handle Annabella.

  “Just stay out of it. You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he hollers back, turning around to face me at the bottom of the stairs.

  “I do know what I’m talking about. I didn’t have anyone to fight my battles and I’m fine.” Though I wish he would fight my battles for me but I don’t have the guts to tell him that. I don’t have the guts for a lot of things.

  Victor’s face turns red as his anger rises. “That’s not my fault. I have someone to protect, so I’m gonna do it. If you got a problem with it, then suck it up. I’m tired of you always trying to get in our business.”

  I blanch at him and take a step back. “I didn’t realize I wasn’t a friend of yours. I’m sorry, I’ll stay away from y’all then.” I turn around and take off towards the kitchen. The tears start to flow down my face before I even hit the back door.

  I hate being weak. I hate tears because they express the sadness inside of me. I don’t want to be sad anymore. I want to be happy, but I find happiness is missing from my genetic makeup.

  Last year I was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome. One cyst got so bad it exploded off my left ovary and the ovary had to be taken out. The doctor then explained to me that there’s about a five percent chance I can have children. Not only am I missing an ovary, there is a ton of scar tissue in my uterus. It would be extra hard to conceive with one ovary, but it makes it worse with the damage to my uterus.

  I feel like a failure in my one duty in life. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do? F
all in love, get married and have babies? That’s what I’ve seen every grown up in my life do.

  I lay down on the grass of our huge backyard. The sun is just now going down and a few stars are peeking out. Tears still leak down my face around my temples. I don’t wipe them away though; I let them fall to the earth, watering it with my sadness. I feel broken in places I’m not supposed it. How do I feel so alone in a house with five people in it? Is it because I’m a girl? I mean boys can get along at any age and find things to do. I hang out with Annabella a lot but she’s nine and her conversations are about Barbie’s. Not really my style. I keep wishing I could go back to the time it was just my mom and I. When no other man was in our lives. Long before she married my crazy stepdad, who thankfully has passed away.

  I know that’s a horrible thing to say but he wasn’t a nice man.

  “I’m sorry for what I said.” Victor walks up from behind me and takes a seat beside me.

  I continue to look up at the sky, not caring what he has to say. How many times do people have to make me feel useless before I’ll stop caring for good?

  “Will you just talk to me? You know I hate it when you’re mad at me.” With my eyes still closed I can picture him with his lips all pouty. I guess he thinks it’ll make me forgive him faster, but in fact, I’ve already forgiven him. That’s what you do when you love someone. You forgive them for being a dickhead.

  But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t make him suffer a little.

  “Just look at me. I wanna see those pretty blue eyes.” I finally open my eyes. He did call my eyes pretty. I’m a sucker for a compliment, especially from him. “There you are.” Then he does something he’s never done before. He lies down beside me before propping himself up on one elbow and leans over me. “Can I do something? Something I’ve been wanting to do for a while?”

  Having no idea what he’s talking about I just shrug my shoulders. He chuckles, the sound floating over me like a cool drink of water. He leans even closer and rubs his nose along mine. This is when my breathing starts to get erratic and I think I might have heart failure. His lips skim over mine before he presses with more strength. My hands automatically reach up and go into his incredibly soft hair. His go around my shoulders and pull me up with him. His tongue enters my mouth and the feeling is so strange, I gasp.

  He pulls back for a second, his eyes moving from my eyes to my lips. “I always wondered if you tasted as good as you look,” he whispers before kissing me again. The stars are out in full force now but I don’t see them. I only see Victor. I feel the way he kisses me like he might die if he doesn’t. I hear the crickets and June bugs flying into the back door. I taste the chocolate flavor of Victor’s lips and I can’t seem to get enough.

  I’m lost in a fog of him, and suddenly I don’t feel alone at all. It’s just the two of us against the world in this moment. We are one.

  I know I’m only fifteen, but I feel like maybe this is always where I belonged.

  Victor pulls back again and his eyes stay on mine, the honey color piercing my insides. “You gonna be my girl now?” He leans in and kisses me gently before pulling away again. “Huh, Ashes?”

  You know, I said yes calmly, even though I wanted to scream it from the rooftops.

  Victor

  Sometimes I want to fall to the ground and cry. And other times I want to run as far as I can, away from this place. My entire life I thought one thing but in truth that wasn’t reality. The only thing that makes sense to me anymore is my feelings for Ashley. She’s like a calm before the storm and I’ve wasted too much time already not making her mine.

  I watch her skip towards the house, my heart a little bit fuller. I don’t know when I started calling her Ashes. I feel like I was a different person before my parents died. Then one day I climbed out of the ashes like a phoenix and there she was holding out her hand. That girl would do anything for me and I’m worried I’ll take full advantage of it.

  Does that make me a horrible person?

  Probably.

  “You finally make your move?” Talon states from behind me, making me jump because I didn’t hear him approach.

  I turn around to find his green eyes focused on my face. His brown hair sticks up all over the place and I want to laugh, but I don’t. If his hair isn’t in perfect shape then there’s something wrong. “What’s wrong with you?”

  Talon shrugs and looks down at his feet. “I don’t want to talk about that. Tell me about Legs.”

  I grimace because I hate that nickname for Ashley. While she does indeed have a nice pair of legs, I seriously doubt she would appreciate the nickname. I sigh and turn back towards the house. I see Ashley standing at the sink, probably doing the dishes even though it’s Van’s turn. She’s always doing something like that. I’m sure Van fed her some line about not feeling well and she offered to do the dishes. Her brothers, and even Annabella, are always taking advantage of her.

  I take advantage of her.

  “She said yes,” I mutter, not wanting to talk about this with him. He wants her too but he’d never admit that out loud. I see the way he looks at her.

  It’s the same way he looks at me.

  Talon nods and moves to stand next to me. I watch as he fixes his hair with his fingers. When all the strands are back in place he looks over at me. “I found my brother.”

  I jolt back a step not expecting him to say that. “How? Where?”

  Talon clears his throat and crosses his arms over his chest. “He’s been with this motorcycle club. I think his mother is one of their whores. Dad kept this file on him and I found an address. So this afternoon I went and checked it out. At first I thought I was in the wrong place but I saw a bunch of kids our age. It wasn’t hard to pick him out of the crowd.”

  Talon found out about his half brother one night when his parents were fighting. He was supposed to be in bed sleeping but he snuck out to the top of the stairs and heard everything. His mother was giving his father crap for not letting his other son live with them.

  While both his parents have their faults they are good people. Mrs. Hartford would have taken that boy in no question, raised him as one of her own. It didn’t matter to her how the boy was conceived. He is blood of her blood so that makes him family. And nothing is more important than family to Mrs. Hartford.

  I turn slightly towards Talon and look down to kick at a lone rock near my foot. “You going to introduce yourself?”

  I look up in time to see Talon shrug. “I don’t know. He might not want anything to do with me. I feel like it would be too much, honestly.” He laughs but the sound is hollow. “Can you imagine? ‘Hey I’m your little half brother but I get to live with our dad and my mom. Plus our little sister.’ Yeah this isn’t a good thing.”

  I uncross my arms and clap him on the shoulder. “It is a good thing. I mean what’s the worst that could happen? He walks away from you? At least you tried. That’s all that matters, dude.”

  Talon lifts the corner of his mouth but changes the subject. “You can’t treat Ashley like a piece of glass. You’ll smother her and she’ll resent you for it. I know you feel real strong for the girl, but then, I also see how you treat your sister.” Talon steps until he’s right in front of me and he looks right into my eyes. “Annabella wants to be treated like a fragile girl, Ashley doesn’t. You have to keep them separate in your head and in life. Do you understand?”

  When I think about my budding relationship with Ashley, I don’t think about how I’m going to treat her. I honestly think about the way her full lips look when she smiles at me and how much I want to kiss her and sneak my hand under her shirt. That makes me a pig but I’m honestly not thinking about the future here. I’m thinking of the here and now. I just knew Ashley would never go for being a casual hookup and right now she’s the only one I want to hookup with. “I’m not going to treat her like glass. We’ve been together for five minutes. Slow your roll, dude.”

  “Okay dude. I’m just saying. I know you and
I know how this is going to play out. I’m just trying to help you before it’s too late.”

  “I got this Talon. Chill.”

  Three years later...

  Ashley

  “Why are you leaving us?” my little brother Courtney asks me, as I throw clothes into my suitcase. I just turned eighteen and Victor went and got a house. He is seven months older than me, so he waited until I was old enough.

  I look down at my little brother and smile. “I’m not leaving you. I’m just moving into a new house. Victor wants us to still live in the same house together. You’ll understand when you find the perfect girl for you.” Though my twelve-year-old brother will probably only be in love with Annabella. That’s why I think it’s better for her to move out. I’ve seen the way she and Van have been looking at each other. Don’t want that to get complicated.

  “But you’re my family. You’re supposed to live with us,” he whines. I laugh and run my hand over his short-cropped brown hair. His green eyes start to shine and I feel horrible for laughing.

  I bend down in front of him until he’s taller than me. “Court, I’m not going that far. But when you find someone you love, you want to be with them always. I’m telling you, you’ll find out soon enough. Though I hope it’s not too soon.”

  He grabs my hands and puts them on his face. Court has always been the special one. Whether he knows it or not, he saved this entire family. I know that’s a lot to put on the shoulders of a little boy, but he did. He set us free from something evil and I can never cherish him enough. “You promise you won’t forget me? And that Victor will protect you?”

  I smile gently at him as I smooth my fingers over his soft cheeks. “I promise, baby boy. I’ll always be here for you. I promise you that.” I lean in and kiss his nose and laugh when he scrunches up his face. He still thinks kisses from his big sister are lame.