Darkest Sin

by Ashton Blackthorne

  Amber rubbed my back. “I know how hard this is. I lost my mother to alcohol poisoning. I don’t know if I ever told you about that.”

  “I remember you saying something about that. I’m sorry that happened. It must’ve been awful.”

  “It was exactly seven years next month that my mother passed. As you know, I don’t talk to my family much. I haven’t seen my family since I left for college.”

  I looked at her quizzically. She never really discussed her family much.

  Amber sighed heavily. “Yes, Ash, my family was just as damaged as yours, maybe even more so. I don’t think now is the time to discuss it, but let’s just say my mother disappointed me too.”

  I took Amber’s hand and held it tightly in my own. Gazing into her deep blue eyes, I found myself getting lost within them. The pain I felt was reflected in hers.

  Why had I never seen it before?

  Just then, a nurse walked over to us. “Mr. Blackthorne, the doctor wishes to see you now.” I stood up and gestured for Amber to follow me.

  “No, Ash, I’ll wait here if you need me.” She kissed me quickly on the cheek.

  “You can come, Amber.”

  She shook her head.

  Without saying a word, I understood. Seeing my mother like this would bring back too many painful memories of her own.

  As I followed the stout, gray haired nurse, she turned to me. “Mr. Blackthorne, if you don’t mind my saying so, your wife is such a pretty thing. She could’ve accompanied you back here.”

  “Oh, she’s not my…” I stopped before I could finish. “Thank you,” I simply replied.

  “Dr. Stein will see you now.” She led me into a small room where a doctor sat behind his desk. His balding head shone beneath the lights.

  “Mr. Blackthorne, have a seat.” He extended his hand. I took his clammy hand within my own.

  “Call me Ash,” I replied sitting down.

  “Ash, as you know, your mother, Debra, arrived unconscious due to overdose. As I understand it, you performed CPR on her?” The doctor paused to slip his glasses on.

  “Yes, I did.” I leaned forward in the chair.

  “Well, son, that probably saved her life. She was found to have extremely high levels of both cocaine and heroin in her system. If she had been unconscious much longer, she would’ve died.”

  “How is she now?” I was anxious to know if she was all right.

  “She’s awake now. She’s still not as stable as I’d like to see her, but she’s doing better. I think it’s safe to say she’ll survive, that is, if she stops using.”

  “Can I see her now?” Feeling a huge weight lifted from me, I sighed.

  “Yes, you may, but only for a few moments.”

  “Thank you, Dr. Stein.”

  “The nurse will take you to her. And son, your mother owes you a thank you. I know she wouldn’t be alive if you hadn’t found her.” The doctor smiled at me.

  I gave him a faint smile and followed the nurse. I never thought I’d be so happy to hear my mother was going to live. For years, I had shut myself off from her, not caring if she lived or died, or so I told myself. Now, I found myself wanting her to live.

  I thought about returning to Amber to share with her the good news, but the doctor had only said I could see my mother for a few minutes. I was so anxious to talk with her.

  As we walked to the ICU, the nurse nodded in the direction of my mother’s room. “Just a few minutes, Mr. Blackthorne. She needs to rest.”

  I nodded as she shut the door.

  There on the bed lay my mother. Her long hair was lying in strings across the pillow. She looked so small and thin against the huge bed. An IV dripped into her arm and I couldn’t help but notice all the terrible track marks from the dirty needles on her arms.

  “Debra?” I walked over to where she could see me. Her eyes fluttered open.

  “Ashton? Is that you? Is that really you?” She smiled faintly revealing her badly decaying teeth. Perhaps she used meth as well, I thought sadly.

  “It’s me, Debra. How are you feeling?” I went to her side and looked down at her.

  “Ashton, come give me a hug. I’ve missed you so much.” She extended her frail arms up to me.

  Leaning down, I embraced her. She felt so thin in my arms I could feel her ribs. They must’ve cleaned her up as I detected the scent of Betadine and soap.

  “How did you find me? Why are you here?” She clutched my hand in hers.

  “Debra….I found the letters.” I choked as a sob escaped my throat. I hadn’t anticipated our reunion to be so emotional.

  “The letters?” She looked perplexed.

  I nodded.

  “Oh, you mean the letters I sent you after I left! Yes, Ashton, I told you at your father’s funeral I did. Ashler never gave them to you?”

  I shook my head. Her eyes were deep hazel like my own. She had a dimple in her left cheek just like I did.

  “Oh, Ashton, that’s why you never answered! I thought you hated me. Every letter I sent that you didn’t answer I thought you despised me. I thought maybe it was your way of getting back at me.” Tears began to spill down her face.

  “No, Debra, I never even saw them until a few days ago. As soon as I uncovered them in Dad’s attic, I flew out here. I wanted to talk to you.”

  Her eyes flooded with more tears. She gasped loudly. “Oh, thank God! I prayed every day, Ashton that you would forgive me. I never meant to hurt you by leaving.”

  “Why did you leave?” I pulled my hand away from hers, but stayed close to her bedside.

  “Sit down, Ashton.” Her voice was starting to shake.

  I pulled a chair over to her side.

  “I left, Ashton, because your father and I…well, there were things going on between us. I don’t want to upset you, but I wasn’t the only one who cheated.”

  “What?” I bolted up from the chair.

  “No, Ashton, please. It was a long time ago. I’m not saying he didn’t have his reasons. I was a hard woman to live with. I demanded a lot back then. I don’t want to get into what happened between your father and I. Basically, I left your father to save myself. I left you there with the intention of returning shortly. I approached your father with the idea of joint custody, but he refused saying he would crush me in court.”

  I narrowed my eyes. My heart pounded as I contemplated what she said. Could my father have cheated as well? “And he probably would have,” I whispered knowing the way my father was.

  “Yes, he would have. I didn’t want you to be put through that, so I left you here. Your father said he would be sure you were taken care of and I knew that he loved you. Look, Ashton, I don’t want to justify my reasons for leaving. It was wrong and I’m so sorry.”

  I nodded feeling my heart soften. I clutched her hand.

  “I love you, Ashton. I’m so happy you’re here.”

  I gazed into her eyes. For the first time, I sensed she was telling the truth. I believed her.

  Her eyes began to shut.

  “Debra, you mentioned something in your letters about a new family. What did you mean? Who’s Jimmy?”

  “Oh, Jimmy, he was my husband. He passed away a few years ago. Drug overdose.”

  “I see. So he had children?”

  She nodded. Her eyes opened and shut slowly. She seemed to be slipping away.

  “Debra? Debra! Wake up. I just want to know. What happened after you left?”

  “Hmmm? Yes, I left my baby boy, Ashton. Didn’t want to. I know I hurt him,” she murmured, her eyes fluttering.

  I leaned forward. She was slipping into unconsciousness! I had to know.

  “Mom? It’s me, Ashton. What happened?”

  “Your father…. he cheated on me over and over again. Rita—it was Rita.”

  I shook my head covering my ears. I couldn’t stand to hear her shatter my illusions about my father. “No, he didn’t. He met Rita long after you left.”

  “Ashton, he didn’t. Your f
ather hit me. He—did things to me.” Her voice trailed off.

  “No, he didn’t, Debra!” Rage began to build within me. How dare she speak of my father that way!

  Her fingers reached toward me. “Oh, Ashton, there’s something I have to tell you. Be careful. He knows about you.”

  “Who?” I screamed, desperate to know.

  Just then, the alarm went off. A hideous, shrill beeping sound erupted in the room. A sharp, green line went flat across the monitor.

  In an instant, the room was filled with hospital staff. They pushed me outside the room.

  As I stood helplessly outside her room, I wrung my hands. Who found out about me? Maybe she was delusional due to the overdose. How could my father have cheated on her with Rita? He didn’t even meet Rita until I was nine.

  Biting my hand, I waited outside the room.

  Amber came racing to me. “Are you okay, Ash? I asked the nurses about your mother and they sent me back here.”

  “She’s…she’s…I don’t know.” Deep sobs escaped my throat as Amber wrapped her arms about me.

  “It’s okay, Ash.” She caressed my back as all my anguish just poured out. “What happened?”

  “She and I were talking. She said she was sorry for leaving me. Then, she came up with some crazy story that my dad was cheating on her with Rita. Hell, Amber, he didn’t even know Rita then. She was slipping in and out babbling about being careful…” I trailed off staring at the room where they were working on my mother.

  “Maybe she was imagining things. Those drugs can do terrible things to a person.”

  I nodded swallowing hard.

  “Then she said ‘Be careful. He knows about you.’ I have no idea what that even means.”

  Dr. Stein opened the door to my mother’s room. He wiped his glasses off on his coat.

  “Is she going to be okay, Dr. Stein?” I asked.

  He shook his head. “She’s in a deep coma, son. I really don’t know. I’ve seen this before. An overdose triggers something that’s already wrong with a person.”

  “What’s wrong then?” Amber asked holding my hand tightly.

  “A lot of things. Liver failure for one. She’s been an alcoholic for years. She also has a mass in her brain. We’re sending her down for a CAT scan now.”

  My heart dropped to the floor. I was going to lose her. “So, what does that mean?” I asked impatiently.

  “Son, it means we just don’t know yet. If I had to make a guess based upon her history and what I’ve seen today, I wouldn’t anticipate she has long.”

  “Dr. Stein, she mentioned a lot of things to me in our conversation that didn’t make sense. Does that happen often?”

  He nodded. “All the time. Patients with these types of issues often babble incoherently or mix up the past with the present.”

  Amber squeezed my hand.

  “So, what do we do now?”

  “Just wait. It’s all you can do.”

  The nurse came to take us back to the waiting room.

  Twenty Six

  Amber

  After a long day at the hospital with Ash, he booked us each a suite in a lavish hotel. He retired early citing his exhaustion. I understood and went back to my own room.

  Lying in my own bed, I thought about the thin wall that separated us. I longed to go to his room wearing nothing but a sheer, black nightgown.

  But I decided against it.

  It was still early only seven pm. I glanced down at my phone scrolling through the numbers until I found the right one.

  My only sister, Heather.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi, it’s Amber. I’m here in town visiting a friend. I thought maybe if you weren’t too busy I could come by.” I held my breath. This had been a terrible idea.

  She hesitated a moment. “Amber, I’ve been living with Dad since Mom died. Are you sure you want to come over?”

  Looking down at my nails, I thought a moment. It had been almost twenty years since I’d seen my father.

  But if there was one thing I’d learned from being by Ash’s side through this it was that maybe forgiveness and understanding was the better path. I saw how much Ash was struggling with his mother to find out the truth. Maybe it was time I spoke to my father to find out if he really had sold me out to Larry. “Yes, Heather. If that’s okay I’d like to see you both.”

  “Fine, Amber. We’ll be here.”

  Swallowing hard, I quickly slipped into a pair of jeans and a sweater. I slipped a quick note to Ash beneath his door.

  Pulling up to the old yellow house I’d grown up in, I felt nausea begin to build in my stomach. . The house was in a terrible state of disrepair. The shutters were hanging off and the paint was peeling badly. The chain link fence around the front yard was falling down. Perhaps this had been a bad idea. I debated turning around and leaving.

  Immediately, the screen door swung open. A much heavier, older version of my sister came stumbling out onto the porch. “Amber! Come on in.” She waved. Her face broke into a wide smile as we embraced. She smelled faintly of urine. I held my breath as we entered the house.

  It was even more cluttered than I remembered. Several cats darted in and out around my feet as I walked into the kitchen. Several pots and pans were in the sink crusted with old food. How had Heather let it get this bad?

  “I know what you’re thinking, Amber. I’m a terrible housekeeper, but I’ve been sick.”

  “What’s wrong?” I asked, trying not to show my disgust for all the mess.

  “I’m diabetic. I’m also back to working sixty hours a week in that damn bar waiting tables. Dad’s social security and pension aren’t enough to keep us going.”

  I nodded looking around. I’d love a glass of water, but wasn’t sure I should drink anything here. “What about your children? How old are they now?” I asked, feeling ashamed I couldn’t remember.

  “They’re ten and eleven years old. They stay at their dad’s sometimes.” She shrugged pulling the straps of her tank top up.

  “Where’s Dad?” I bit my lip wondering if I was ready.

  “Right here, little girl.”

  Hearing his familiar voice, I spun around. He’d aged terribly since I saw him last. His once blonde hair had gone completely silver. Deep lines crisscrossed his face and his once darkly tanned skin resembled leather. He walked hunched over. “Don’t you look pretty, Amber!” He opened his arms to me. Reluctantly, I embraced him. He smelled of Old Spice.

  “Dad, it’s good to see you. How are you feeling?” I struggled to find words. I noticed Heather had put on a pot of coffee.

  “Well, not too good lately. I’ve got arthritis really bad in my knees. Can’t walk some days.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that.”

  Heather poured two cups of coffee. “I’m gonna get out of your hair now. It’s good to see you, Amber. Glad things are going well for you.”

  I gave her another hug. Now I was all alone with my father. Nervously, I gulped my coffee. “Dad, about Larry…” I dared to broach the subject. The coffee burned my lips as I gulped it down.

  “That fucking son of a bitch! I’m glad he killed himself. No good piece of trash.” He spit right on the kitchen floor.

  I was taken aback by his reaction. I’d assumed Larry had been telling the truth. Why had I waited so long to actually talk to my father about it? I felt like a fool.

  “Daddy, Larry said…I need to know…Larry said that you—took money from him. He paid you…for me.” Tears flowed down my cheeks as the words I’d been waiting to say for twenty years came spilling out.

  “What?” His eyes grew wide. The sides of his mouth quivered.

  “He said that he gave you five hundred dollars to…hurt me.” I sobbed, covering my face with my hands.

  “Is that why you left here and never spoke to us again? You believed that filthy scum instead of talking to me first? Amber, how could you believe that your own father would sell you out?” Tears formed in the corners of his
eyes. His gnarled hands reached out to me.

  “I don’t know, Dad. I’m so sorry, so, so, sorry.” I gripped his hands tightly.

  “Baby girl, you know I love you. I just wish you’d talked to me. Your mother died believing you hated us.”

  My heart felt as if it were breaking. “Mom drank herself to death, Dad,” I whispered.

  “I know. But how you could take that son of a bitch’s word over mine makes me sick, Amber.”

  I sifted through my purse for a tissue. Blowing my nose, I nodded. “I was wrong. I’m so sorry, Dad. Please forgive me.”

  He reached his arms out to me and I ran to him.

  The kitchen door burst open and in walked a tall, blonde haired man I recognized to be my brother, Mark.

  Oh God, I didn’t know if I was ready to see him as well.

  “Ambercakes! What are you doing here?” Mark called me by my old nickname.

  “I was in town. I wanted to come by and see Dad.”

  He opened his arms to me.

  I jumped up and embraced him.

  He held me tightly against his muscled chest. “You look beautiful as always, Amber. Damn, you’ve grown up fine.” He looked me up and down.

  I smiled, beyond thrilled I’d come home to see them at last. Maybe I could finally have a relationship with my family again.

  For hours, we all talked reliving stories from the past. I found out that Mark had gotten married to an old classmate of mine, Jessie. They had three children. Mark had completed tech school and was working as an electrician.

  “I’m so glad I decided to come, but it’s getting late and I need to get back to the hotel.” I stood up to leave gathering my purse. “I just want to run upstairs and take a quick peek at my old room. Is that okay?”

  Dad nodded. “Well, you might be disappointed. It’s all different now. Char uses it for her daughter.”

  I shrugged. “I’m going to head up anyway. I need to use the restroom before I go.”

  Walking up the stairs, I peeked into my old bedroom. Sure enough, Heather had redecorated it for her daughter. It looked beautiful.

  I walked to the bathroom and freshened up. This trip had turned out to be a fantastic idea.