Pain

by Amanda Mackey

  The sun had lowered enough to be blocked out by the towering trees, darkening my surroundings a bit. As hot as I was, it was nice to not have the sun beating down on me.

  A clearing ahead had me hoping that it was the finish line and sure enough when I broke through the trees, there was the truck sitting about twenty feet away. I slowed, expecting Lil to appear from somewhere, claiming her victory, but it became apparent that I had done it. I’d actually won! Fuck! The righteous little spitfire had been whipped.

  Stopping to catch my breath, I bent over, grabbing my knees, gasping for air, legs like jelly, a sense of accomplishment lighting my face up into the mother of all grins.

  Oh, how I was going to love being waited on hand and foot, having Li’l princess at my beck and call. The fact that I knew she would hate it made me love the idea even more.

  Moving over to the truck, I opened the door, thankful she hadn’t locked it, and grabbed the water bottle she’d left inside, downing half of it before climbing up to sit and wait. I couldn’t possibly stand for another minute. If I’d had to run much further, I was sure my legs would have collapsed from under me.

  Lil’s phone was on the seat, which I thought was odd. I’d kept mine in my pocket just in case of an emergency. Did she really have that much confidence that she wouldn’t need it? Still, she wasn’t invincible like she thought she was. After running that entire track, I’d seen places where it would be easy to take a tumble or get into trouble. Hell, I’d nearly fallen flat on my face a couple of times.

  It was 5:30, and the sun had lowered behind the trees to the point where it would be setting soon and getting dark. Lil should be back any minute. In fact, I was surprised she was so far behind me, considering she’d told me she could run it with her eyes shut.

  I closed the truck door, the chill from no sun bringing sudden goosebumps to my skin now that I’d had time to sit for a bit. If she wasn’t back soon, I’d attempt to hotwire the truck just to get the heater going. It was way cooler out here than back in LA—although, I don’t think I’d ever warmed up properly since being in prison. The concrete and steel structure lacked any form of insulation, and the last winter had been a real bitch.

  Funny, today had actually been an okay day. One where I felt like I’d achieved something. Whether it be re-boarding the stables or finding my way through the jungle first. Most of the day, I’d been occupied. There had been no time to focus on all the things I shouldn’t be doing. It had been nice. Something I hadn’t felt since…forever.

  By 5:45, I was getting antsy. The sun had left an orange haze in the sky after its disappearance, but it quickly morphed into not quite light and not quite dark.

  Why the fuck hadn’t Lil taken her cell? At least I’d be able to call her and ask how far away she was. The run had left me starving and in need of a hot shower. And if she didn’t hurry up, I was going to finish off her water. I could smell my own body odor, which was definitely not good.

  Opening the glove compartment, I came up empty on my search for food. Not even a crumb.

  Okay. Patience, man. You’re just gonna have to wait it out. She won’t be far away now. Ignore the hollow feeling in your gut. Focus on the sweet victory and what it will mean to have the little hellcat running around after you.

  Waiting was not something I cared to do. I loathed it. Especially when I was so hungry I felt like I could eat my way to China.

  Sucking in a lungful of air, I let it out slowly, wondering if I should call Lil’s old man to come and get me. I knew we were a fair way from the house, so walking back was out of the question without any daylight. Shit. If I’d known I was going to have to sit in the fast approaching darkness, I wouldn’t have agreed to this challenge.

  I didn’t do complete darkness. I required light of some sort. Tendrils of unease crept up my legs to my gut, causing me to squirm uncomfortably in my seat. A familiar sense of déjà vu held me in its grip.

  Entombed in a coffin of black. Chains too cumbersome for any young boy. The sounds of the living upstairs my only clock. An invisible timepiece.

  Why me? What had I done to warrant such barbaric treatment? Was being born my crime? Did I not deserve each breath I took? Apparently not.

  I listened and waited for the footsteps I knew would come, attempting to moisten my parched mouth by swallowing successively. Water had been left the day before. Somewhere. A place I was meant to blindly search for. A game to keep me in line. Discipline, the evil called it. Starved and shackled so that I would never, ever accidentally drop my food again. Food that had cost money. Which didn’t grow on trees. I needed to go without in order to learn a lesson.

  While being starved and beaten was abhorrent, the consuming darkness was the worst. It suffocated me. Taunted me as if it were a living thing. Fear weighed me down when I was left in the nothingness. The hollow. Curled into a tight ball to keep warm was the only time I felt mildly safe. Tightly folded in on myself, counting my heartbeats and breaths. Sniveling like a baby. The void of the cellar had opened its gigantic arms and swallowed me whole. It would break me. That was a fact I knew better than my own name. My hatred for the evil had begun to devour me, feeding on my soul.

  The sound of a phone pealing out dragged me from my lucid, waking nightmare. Trickles of anxiety-riddled sweat swathed my forehead and neck as I grabbed Lil’s cell, watching Tom’s picture envelop the screen as I swiped to answer it. My breath was loud and fast like I was still running. Short, sharp gasps. Heart thrashing my ribs.

  “Hello?”

  “Ah, hi. Justice? I was after Lil.”

  “Oh. Um, well I’m still waiting on her to finish the run. I got back about half an hour or more ago. I thought she’d be back by now,” I mused, peering into the night for any signs of life.

  “It’s 6:15. She mentioned you were going to head up there around four. It doesn’t take that long to run the track. I think I’m going to head on up. Something doesn’t feel right. She would be back before dark if she could.”

  “I was thinking the same. I’m sitting in her truck without any keys. I can’t go anywhere, so I’ll wait for you to arrive. Might pay to bring a flashlight.”

  “On it. Sit tight. I’ll be there soon.”

  Hanging up, I’d noticed the concern in Tom’s voice. It had been over two hours, so I guess he had cause to worry. I sure as hell didn’t feel like joining the search party in the dark. Maybe Pops would go and I could head back to the house. He better not think for one fucking minute that I was going into that jungle again.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Lil

  Sticks and stones had most definitely broken my bones. I wasn’t sure just how many had fractured, but I did know that my left leg was splayed at an exaggerated angle, and my head thudded to its own tempo. Not leaving out the fact that my back was pressed into a large boulder situated somewhere down the steep incline and hurt like hell. It was too dark to see just how far I’d somersaulted. Shit. I was in trouble. How on earth would anyone find me down here?

  I’d obviously blacked out for a while because when I’d tumbled, it had still been light.

  Moving to sit up only caused my body to scream out in agony so I had no choice but to remain on my side for now and figure out what my options were. I really didn’t have any, because my cell was in the truck and I could barely move.

  I really didn’t want to have to spend a night out in the wilderness with the onset of winter on my tail. Already, the frigid air was slicing through my clothing, eliciting shivers.

  The sound of the water below didn’t help matters. I knew the temperature would be damn near freezing, and I certainly didn’t feel like finishing my fall by ending up in the drink.

  “Help!” I cried on the off chance that the silence might carry my voice to someone that may be concerned about my whereabouts.

  Surely my dad would be worried by now and be out searching for me. Wouldn’t he?

  God, it would be like looking for an ant in a very large garden. Virt
ually impossible.

  Blowing into my cupped hands, I attempted to provide some warmth using my tepid breath. It was fleeting at best as I continued to shudder. Visibility was minimal with the moon screened behind the imposing trees. My eyes could make out shapes but not much else.

  Using my hands, I felt around me for anything that might help provide extra warmth. Leaves, pine needles, anything. Because of the angle I was on, obviously still a fair way from the bottom, there was nothing. I was going to freeze to death.

  Survival 101 had taught me that I needed to use what I had around me to provide shelter and warmth and that was all well and good, but there was one problem with that theory. I couldn’t walk!

  The forest had come to life with sounds of the night. An owl hooted a haunting solo while bats squeaked out their scratchy chorus. Nocturnal creatures scurried in the nearby bushes, and the swirling breeze whined through the conifers. If I believed in werewolves or vampires, I would be freaking out about now. At least if I had my cell with me I’d be able to use its light to survey the immediate vicinity while waiting for help. While I loved the rough country and wide open spaces, I wasn’t so keen to spend the night exposed to the elements and injured with no light source on hand.

  Crying out again, I could only hope my wails ricocheted off the valley walls and traveled along some part of the path that had led me here.

  “Dad! I’m down here! Help me please!” My voice crackled with a dehydrated chafe. I desperately needed water and food. I’d used up my fluid reserves running like a bat out of hell to try and catch Justice. Silly move in hindsight. Everything had been turned upside down since his arrival. I just wanted my life to return to the way it had been. Safe. Routine. Boring. If he hadn’t arrived on our doorstep, I wouldn’t be in this predicament.

  My plea was again met with silence. Where was my rescue party? Had anyone even begun searching? They’d damn well better have.

  The cold air was going to be my downfall as temperatures were sure to drop into the early hours of the morning.

  Bending my knees, wincing and gritting my teeth through the shooting pain, I brought my legs up into my chest to provide a little more warmth. My back was nestled into the rock, so at least I wasn’t getting windblown from that side. It was acting as some form of shelter. Closing my eyes, I withdrew into myself, preparing for the night ahead. A strong mind was my only weapon against my weak body.

  Mom, if you’re up there, looking down, please watch over me until someone finds me. Dad wouldn’t survive losing his only daughter. Even though you guys were separated, I know it shattered him when you died and the circumstances surrounding it. He’s never really been the same since. I’m all he’s got left. I know I haven’t spoken to you in a while, because it’s really hard, and I’m so sorry for that. You don’t know what it’s been like, growing up without you. I miss your smile and your hugs. I miss your quick wit, which is maybe where I get it from. When we were a family, life was perfect. And then everything changed. You changed. God, I want a do-over. I would force you to get the help you needed. I’d look closer for signs early on that you were unstable. When you’re young, you don’t always see things that you should. You’re too busy with school and friends to notice the cracks. Please don’t be mad at me for not saving you. I tried at the end. I really did. But it was too late. You were too far gone. The drugs had claimed you.

  Big fat tears slid down my icy cheeks, almost freezing on the spot. My heart ached almost as much as my body. Even with the years that had slipped by, the day my mom died felt as fresh as bread just out of the oven.

  Shivering from the temperature and my sobbing, I gave myself over to grief and let it steal me away from reality. One more day with her. One more hour. One more hug. It wasn’t much to ask for. I’d tell her how much I loved her. I’d be a better daughter. I wouldn’t look at her like she’d let me down when, really, I’d let her down.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Justice

  Tom arrived in a blaze of glory, tires squealing as he tore up beside Lil’s truck in his black SUV.

  Keeping his headlights on full, the forest was suddenly lit up like daylight. It enabled me to breathe a little easier and not feel so tamped down by the thick darkness that had encompassed me seconds earlier.

  He was out of the vehicle and to my side before I had a chance to get out. “Hey, son.”

  “Hey.”

  He handed me an oversized flashlight, keeping one for himself. “We’ll need one each to have any chance of finding her.”

  What was he doing? Did he expect me to go searching? I needed to put him straight real quick. “I can’t go back out there. How about I wait here to see if she comes out?”

  It sounded lame but the idea of traipsing along that track I had sprinted earlier did not bode well.

  “Son, I’m going to need your help on this. The sooner we find her, the better. It’s damn near freezing out, and unless we get to her within the next couple of hours, hypothermia will kick in. Daniel’s away for the weekend, and Nate’s already gone.” He was leaning with one arm on the top of the open door, looking at me pleadingly.

  Christ! This wasn’t happening. This man did not understand my phobia of the dark. My breathing had already picked up. My heart was losing its steady rhythm. “I can’t.” Shaking my head adamantly, I gripped the truck seat.

  Tom could obviously see my fear as his right hand lifted to my shoulder, where he squeezed. “I wouldn’t ask if my daughter’s life wasn’t on the line. Please? I can’t lose her. I can’t. She’s all I have.”

  My eyes found his pained ones. They shot a look of desperation straight to my chest. He wasn’t asking. He was begging. I hated it when people begged. What if something really bad had happened to Lil? Could I forgive myself if I hadn’t stepped in to help her? Was I a total asshole? Jesus. What the fuck choice did I have?

  Tom continued, “We’ll go together. I won’t leave you alone. I promise. I made this track, so I know it well even in the dark. You’re safe with me.”

  Arrgh. And there it was. The defining words that would make me cave and put aside my own needs to help this man. Never before had any human being spoken to me as if I mattered. No one had ever promised me safety. I’d only known Tom for two days, and he was offering me something no one else had. A chance to prove myself. To show that I was capable of more than a life of crime.

  My fingers gripped the flashlight like it was my lifeline, and by rights, it was. Sucking in cold air before letting it out on a heavy sigh, I nodded. “Okay. Let’s do this, but I’ll be sticking to you like glue.”

  Tom’s shoulders slumped in relief. “Thank you. You don’t know how much I appreciate this.” Turning to the passenger door of his SUV, he pulled out an energy bar and handed it to me. He then picked up a thick woolen blanket and a bottle of water from the back seat and locked everything up, shutting off the headlights and throwing us into darkness again until we both clicked on our flashlights.

  I downed the rest of Lil’s water, thankful that Tom had brought more while finishing the energy bar in two mouthfuls. I reached behind the seat and grabbed my jacket, putting it on.

  Tom began heading toward the track exit, which confused me. I had to ask, “How come we’re starting here?”

  “I can’t imagine her coming to any harm when she first started out. My guess is that we’ll find her quicker if we start from this end.”

  Whatever. I just needed to get this done. Something told me that, by the end of it, I was going to need some severe pain to help me cope.

  As we walked, shining our lights all around, we called out, “Lil! Can you hear us? Lil!” When Tom wasn’t screaming, I was. If there was anyone within a five mile radius, they’d be sure to hear us. We kept close but not so much so that we were tripping over each other. Just enough to keep me from freaking out about what I was doing.

  The reality of the situation was that if Lil had taken a fall and was unconscious, our rescue effort would mean shit. W
e’d never find her. Tom would need to round up the whole town to comb the area. Either that or get a chopper in to search from the air. Maybe I’d mention it if we came up empty. No reason to scare the guy yet. He was already freaking out. I could tell by the way he carried himself. He was mumbling under his breath about something I couldn’t make out. Probably to help him settle.

  We plowed onwards until we reached the stream that dissected the land, and then we came to an abrupt halt. I nearly ran into the back of Tom. He was grabbing at his neck, the tension thick. “We need to scour the bank on both sides properly before we move on.”

  Straight away, I knew what he was thinking. Even though the stream wasn’t too deep, it was fast, and if Lil had fallen and hit her head near the edge, it could be catastrophic.

  Shining my light over to the right, I scanned the edges as far as I could see while Tom focused over to the left. I didn’t know if my voice would carry over the sound of the rushing water, but I figured it was worth a shot.

  “Liiillll.” I dragged out her name as loud as I could, and so did Tom. One shout after another and then we waited for a reply, craning our necks around and around, ears on alert to any noise that might signal her whereabouts. In typical fashion, I could have sworn I heard something, but then, I was expecting it, and we were out in the open with night animals and the gush of running water to contend with.

  Tom seemed to hear it too, as he spun around to face me. “Listen!”

  I tried to ignore all else and focus in on the silence behind the night noises. Tom called again, lifting one hand toward me to signal me to keep quiet.

  It was muffled, but there was definitely someone or something responding to Tom’s call.

  “Lil, where are you, honey?” He was shining his flashlight everywhere, turning full circle.

  “Dad?”

  “Jesus! It’s her. Where is she?” Tom was frantic.