Jana DeLeon - Miss Fortune 06 - Soldiers of Fortune

by Jana DeLeon

  “How many Hail Marys does mooning call for?” Gertie called after her.

  Nelson took a step closer to Sheriff Lee. “Get down from that infernal beast and come with me.”

  Sheriff Lee backed the burro up into Nelson’s face. “One more word and I give him the signal to relieve himself. He’s been gassy.”

  Nelson hopped back, suspiciously eyeing the burro’s hind end. “This isn’t over, Lee.”

  “Oh yeah it is. It was over before it ever started.” Sheriff Lee gave the burro a nudge and it stepped backward again, pinning Nelson’s foot underneath its hoof.

  Nelson howled in pain and shoved the burro’s rear, trying to force it off his foot. Not a good move when faced with a gassy burro, who took the hands on butt as a signal to eliminate part of his load right on Nelson’s shoes. Apparently, relieving himself made the burro frisky and he kicked up his legs, lifting a good bit of his “relief,” and smacked Nelson right in the center of the chest with both hoofs. Nelson clutched his chest and fell onto the concrete, gasping for air. The former Sheriff Lee and the burro strolled away without so much as a backward glance.

  “Now do we need the defibrillators?” I asked.

  Ida Belle walked over and bent down, placing her fingers on Nelson’s neck. “Get up, you big baby. Your heart’s fine.” She looked over at us. “Funnel cake?”

  “I thought you’d never ask.”

  Since everyone had gravitated to the sheriff-and-burro show, the funnel cake trailer was free of patrons. A young woman smiled as we approached. “Ida Belle and Gertie…I haven’t seen you guys for years.”

  Thirtyish. Five feet four. Hundred twenty pounds. No apparent disabilities, except for the smile.

  “Kayla?” Ida Belle said. “I almost didn’t recognize you.”

  Kayla blushed. “I’ve lost a couple of pounds since high school.”

  “You’ve lost more than a couple,” Gertie said. “All you young people are on those fad diets.”

  “I went on the college boy diet,” Kayla said. “They didn’t go for chubby girls, so I lost the weight, and had a makeover—new hair, fixed my teeth—you know the drill.”

  “Your teeth look great,” Gertie said. “Are those veneers?”

  “Some veneers and some crowns. I was wishing I’d taken better care of them when I got the bill.”

  “I’m thinking of getting some work done,” Gertie said.

  Ida Belle rolled her eyes. “You’ve worn dentures for ten years.”

  Kayla laughed. “Anyway, I heavily invested in the whole makeover thing.”

  “And did it work?” Ida Belle asked.

  “Worked like a charm.” A man’s voice sounds behind them. They turned to look as he stepped by them and jumped over the table and into the booth with Kayla. He stuck out his hand. “I’m Colby, Kayla’s husband.”

  Ida Belle and Gertie introduced themselves to Colby and then pointed to me. “Sorry we completely forgot to introduce our friend, Fortune. Her great-aunt was one of our best friends. She’s here this summer settling the estate.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry,” Kayla said.

  “It’s okay,” I replied. “We hadn’t seen each other in quite some time.”

  Like never.

  “You didn’t come back to Sinful just for the celebration, did you?” Gertie asked.

  “Sort of,” Kayla said and waved a hand at the trailer. “This is our business. We travel around to different events, selling funnel cake and snow cones.”

  “Sounds like a lot of work,” I said. The whole idea of moving to a different place every week and dealing with random people all day was enough to make me itch.

  “It is,” Kayla agreed, “but it’s fun, too. Colby and I both love to travel, and the business does quite well. We have a motor home that we can pull the trailer with, so we’re always at home, so to speak. Lots of times there’s days in between events, so one of us drives our truck and we check out the local sights.”

  “Speaking of running the business,” Colby said. “I forgot the extra paper plates in the truck. I’m going to run get them.”

  “Okay,” Kayla said and flashed her million-dollar smile at him.

  “He’s a real cutie,” Gertie said. “Weren’t you dating one of those twins in high school?”

  Kayla rolled her eyes. “Doug. I actually married him my freshman year of college. Lasted a whole month before I caught him sleeping with my chemistry lab partner.”

  Gertie shook her head. “Well, looks like you got a good one now.”

  “The best,” Kayla agreed.

  “How’s your mother?” Ida Belle asked. “I haven’t seen her around in a while.”

  “She’s good,” Kayla said. “Goes to visit her sister in Denver a lot. She likes the cooler temperature. I get back here for short visits as often as I can, but it’s hard when we’re booked solid. But enough of my rattling. What can I get you?”

  “Three funnel cakes,” Gertie said.

  Kayla sprinkled powdered sugar on the fresh cakes that Colby had just removed from the fryer and placed them on the table in front of us. “That will be fifteen dollars.”

  “No wonder they can take time off,” Ida Belle grumbled.

  “I got it,” I said and passed her a twenty. She gave me my change and we gathered our dessert and headed back to the Sinful Ladies booth. “Do you have to man the booth all day?”

  “Heavens no,” Gertie said. “We just set it up and then the other ladies take it from there. They have a schedule so that everyone has plenty of time to enjoy the festivities.”

  Sure enough, two of the Sinful Ladies were already at the booth finishing up the unpacking. They looked up as we approached.

  “We heard Celia made a fool of herself,” the first lady said.

  “Heard it and saw it,” the second one said and made a face as though she’d stepped in dog poo.

  “It was hilarious,” Gertie said. “And then the burro crapped on Nelson’s shoes and kicked him.”

  Both ladies giggled, then they sobered. “We also heard Sheriff Lee has been benched,” the first one said. “Nelson can’t take care of a cactus, much less this town.”

  “Technically, Sheriff Lee can’t either,” Ida Belle said. “But we all keep voting for him because we know that means Carter will be taking care of things.”

  “I wish Carter would run for sheriff,” Gertie said.

  “He’s always said he wouldn’t until Sheriff Lee retires or dies,” Ida Belle said.

  “If Sheriff Lee hasn’t died by now, I don’t think he’s going to,” I said.

  Ida Belle nodded. “It might all be a moot point now. If Celia makes this mental issue stick, then Carter is going to have to step up in the next election. Bad enough we’d be stuck with Nelson for the time being.”

  “Did someone say my name?” Carter’s voice sounded behind us.

  Chapter Two

  I turned around and he winked. I couldn’t help but smile. “You look better today.”

  “I feel better. It was probably all that rest I got yesterday.” He nodded at the ladies, then sobered. “I heard about Sheriff Lee.”

  “That’s just what we were talking about,” I said. “What does that mean for you?”

  “Nothing yet, but there’s no love lost between Nelson and me. If Celia manages to make this mental competency thing stick, I might be looking for another job.”

  “You really think he’d fire you?” I asked. “You’re the only one who knows anything.”

  “I think he’d fire me in a heartbeat, but before he got the opportunity, I’d walk. No way in hell would I work for a sleazeball like Nelson.”

  “In case you missed the implication,” Gertie said to me, “Nelson isn’t exactly popular.”

  “So what’s the deal with him?” I asked. “I’ve never heard you mention him before.”

  “We believe that saying his name is like summoning a demon,” Gertie said.

  “Well, apparently, he’s been summoned by
his boss, Celia,” I said. “You can’t make it worse.”

  “True,” Ida Belle said. “Before Gertie launches back to Genesis, I’ll give you the CliffsNotes version. Nelson left town after high school and went to New Orleans.”

  I stared. The CliffsNotes version started at high school? That was over thirty years of notes.

  “He got a job at a garage working on cars,” Ida Belle continued. “After a couple of years, he decided he knew everything and moved back to Sinful to open his own garage.”

  “He thought competing with Walter was a good idea?” I asked.

  Gertie shook her head. “Walter didn’t have a garage at the time. Only the store.”

  “In fact,” Ida Belle said, “no other garages existed in Sinful at the time, so everyone was happy to have one so close.”

  “Everyone who didn’t know Nelson very well,” Gertie said.

  “Yes, well,” Ida Belle said, “it didn’t take long for everyone to figure out Nelson didn’t know his butt from a hole in the ground when it came to cars. Sure, he could do an oil change or fix a flat, but God forbid you needed anything more complex.”

  “I take it he screwed up some cars and people weren’t happy about it?” I asked.

  “He screwed up all right,” Ida Belle said. “The worst one was Sheriff Lee’s pickup truck. It was a classic.”

  Gertie rolled her eyes. “Meaning it was so old, he bought it directly from Henry Ford.”

  Ida Belle shot Gertie a dirty look. “In any event, that truck was Sheriff Lee’s pride and joy. He took it to Nelson for an oil change, but when Sheriff Lee pulled it into his driveway after the work was done, the accelerator stuck and he drove it right through his living room and into the bayou behind his house. Took out his bass boat, too.”

  I’d been struggling to envision Sheriff Lee in motion on anything that didn’t run on hay, but the picture Ida Belle painted made it easier. “And he blamed Nelson?”

  “Not at first,” Gertie said, growing animated, “but after Sheriff Lee drove through his house, other customers started complaining that their cars broke down after Nelson had worked on them, even though they’d had no issues before.”

  “Uh-oh.” I could already see the writing on the wall.

  “Sheriff Lee figured Nelson was jimmying the cars so that he could get more business,” Ida Belle said, “but Lee was never able to prove it. Still, the rumors were enough that people started taking their business out of town, and Nelson had to close the shop.”

  Gertie snorted. “Close, my butt. He took everything that he could hock out of that building and hightailed it out of town in the middle of the night, leaving a bunch of residents who’d invested in his garage without a dime to show for it and holding the bag for all the rent and utilities he’d skipped out on for the building.”

  “Including my grandmother,” Carter said.

  “The man’s a criminal!” I said, now outraged. “And Celia thinks he’s the best candidate for sheriff?”

  “Given that Celia’s only interest is having a puppet who’ll do her bidding, yes,” Ida Belle said.

  “Good God,” I ranted. “That woman will single-handedly be responsible for the fall of the entire town.”

  “Exactly what I’ve been saying,” Gertie said.

  “Yes, well, we knew there would be trouble,” Ida Belle said, “but I don’t think any of us saw this twist with Nelson coming. After he was essentially run out of town, he hasn’t been back except for short visits.”

  “I’m almost glad I’m on medical leave,” Carter said. “Maybe by the time Dr. Stewart clears me, Marie will have her recount done and Celia will be out the door.”

  “That’s what I’m praying for,” Gertie said.

  I was getting ready to suggest something stronger than prayer when a huge boom roared through the skies. Everyone whipped around in time to see fire blast upward, sending a cloud of black into the air.

  “What the heck was that?” I asked. “That’s the middle of the swamp.”

  Ida Belle and Gertie exchanged a glance.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Well, um,” Gertie stammered, “sometimes swamp gas can—”

  “Don’t even go there,” Carter said. “It was probably a still.”

  “A still?”

  “Moonshine,” Carter said.

  “Oh!” Everyone knew that the Sinful Ladies cough syrup was moonshine, but I’d never asked where or when they manufactured it. I assumed Carter hadn’t either, because then he’d be forced to do something about it. I looked over at Ida Belle and Gertie. Ida Belle gave me a barely imperceptible shake of her head.

  So it wasn’t their still. But it was somebody’s. “Is this common?” I figured the items used to make moonshine had to be highly flammable, but in the time I’d been in Sinful, I hadn’t heard much talk about explosions, at least not of the liquor-induced sort.

  “It happens more often than one might think,” Gertie said.

  “Except one who’s familiar with Sinful and its residents,” Ida Belle pointed out.

  I looked over at Carter, who was staring at the smoke cloud and frowning. “So what do you do in these situations?”

  “Nothing,” he said.

  “Really?”

  “Yep. I’m on leave, remember?”

  “Oh, right. Lucky you.”

  “Unlucky Deputy Breaux,” Gertie said. “With the Fourth of July celebration and the election nonsense, he was already halfway to a heart attack. Then that mess with the sheriff and Celia this morning sent him scurrying for a place to hide. This may be what sends him over the edge.”

  Before I could respond, the man in question burst into the middle of Main Street, frantically looking around. When he spotted us, he broke out into a run and slid to a stop in front of us. He opened his mouth to speak, but all that came out was a choked cry, then he bent over gasping for air.

  What the hell? The sheriff’s department was across the street, not a mile out of town, but Deputy Breaux was acting like he’d run a marathon.

  Gertie patted his back. “It’s your asthma, isn’t it? All this excitement was bound to trigger an attack. Just concentrate on breathing.”

  Deputy Breaux rose up and took in a couple huge breaths and blew them out. His face was beet red and he looked as worried as he had been when Carter was shot. Something was seriously wrong. Something more than a still explosion.

  “The explosion,” he wheezed.

  “Yeah,” Carter said. “We saw it.”

  “Scooter called in…him and Walter was fishing near it and Walter got hit with some debris. He’s unconscious. Scooter’s hauling butt back to the dock, and I already called for the helicopter.”

  My pulse spiked and I glanced over at Ida Belle, taking in her pinched expression. Walter owned the General Store and was Carter’s uncle, a lifelong pursuer of Ida Belle’s affections, and my friend. “What hit him? Is he bleeding?”

  “I don’t know,” Deputy Breaux said. “Scooter was in a bad way. I couldn’t make sense of everything, and I didn’t want him driving the boat and talking to me…”

  “Of course not,” I said. Scooter was the mechanic for Walter’s garage and barely made sense sober and not stressed. He was probably practically incoherent now.

  “Then we best get to the dock,” Carter said.

  The five of us headed to the dock behind the sheriff’s department and all stood there in awkward silence. Gertie sat on a pylon, casting anxious glances at Ida Belle, who was trying to play off her worry by wearing her usual stoic expression, but I could tell she was having trouble keeping the mask in place.

  “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves thinking the worst,” Carter said, breaking the silence. “Scooter isn’t known for his accuracy or communication skills. I’m sure Walter is fine.”

  I nodded. “Carter’s probably right.”

  Ida Belle stiffened and pointed down the bayou. “We’re about to find out.”

  I turned to look at the bas
s boat ripping up the bayou so fast that it created huge wakes that crashed against the bank. Several people fishing on the bank gave Scooter a drenched middle finger, but he didn’t even bother to give the obligatory “sorry about that” wave. I hoped he cut his speed soon or he was going to run up the bank and right onto Main Street.

  Just when I was about to suggest we clear out of the way, Scooter cut the engine, and the front of the boat dropped onto the top of the water and coasted straight for the dock. I could see Walter lying in the bottom of the boat, a life preserver under his head. He had a big red knot on his forehead near his receding hairline, but I was relieved to see no blood.

  Scooter tossed the line to Carter, but Ida Belle jumped inside before it had been secured. She leaned over and spoke his name. Walter’s eyes fluttered and he attempted to move, then groaned and reached up to clutch his head.

  “Don’t move,” Ida Belle said. “The medics are on their way.”

  “What happened?” he asked.

  “There was an explosion,” Carter said. “Probably a still. You got hit by debris.”

  Walter blinked and squinted up at us. “I was fishing with Scooter. Just landed a good speckled trout. That’s the last thing I remember.”

  I heard the approaching helicopter and looked up. “Your ride’s here.”

  “What?” Walter turned his head to watch as the helicopter landed on the bank behind the dock. “I don’t need no doctor.”

  “Don’t be an old fool,” Ida Belle said. “You need to have your head checked.”

  “Probably true,” Walter said. “Given that I’ve been chasing a bossy woman for most of my life.”

  The paramedics came down the dock with a bed and climbed into the boat. Ida Belle jumped back on the dock to get out of the way. The paramedics rolled Walter on his side and slid the backboard under him, then rolled him back onto it and lifted him onto the dock. A couple minutes later, he was in the helicopter, Ida Belle sitting beside him, and they were off.

  “We’ll meet you at the hospital,” I shouted as the helicopter took off.

  “Um, I hate to ask”—Carter gave me a sheepish look—“but do you mind driving? I’m still not cleared, and Dr. Stewart already told me if he sees me behind the wheel, he’ll readmit me to the hospital.”