“No.” I try to look away, pretending it isn’t me. I can’t handle much more.
“Nic?” Kristin whispers, her eyes flashing over my shoulder before coming back to me.
I can feel the color drain from my face. This can’t be happening.
“It’s him,” I whisper back.
“Him?”
I give her a look, and awareness flashes in her eyes as she puts it together.
Andy walks toward me in his suit. He looks exactly like I remember, only now, he isn’t attractive at all. He doesn’t have strong arms that will make me feel safe or the consuming presence that seems to follow Callum around. His hair is too light, and the sound of his voice does nothing for me.
“I’m here on a sales call. My company handles all the fetal monitoring equipment for this group . . .”
“I don’t care.”
He nods. “I figured. Listen, I want to say I’m sorry.”
I look up at him as if he’s lost his fucking mind. “For what?”
He’s a little late to be apologizing.
“Everything. I was a real asshole to you, and I’m sorry.”
This is the most ridiculous conversation. I get to my feet, not wanting to make a scene but willing to if it means he goes the fuck away. “I’m just sorry I believed you. If you could please . . .”
“I was lost. I know that’s not an excuse, but you made me feel like I was found. I left my wife, by the way, or well, I should say that she left me.”
“Good.” I snort. “I don’t know what you want from me, Andy.”
“Nothing. I took enough from you.”
I release a heavy breath and close my eyes. For so long, I’ve waited for this moment. A time to tell him all the things he did to me, how he hurt me, how he broke something inside me, but now that I have the moment, I don’t even want to look at him.
“You hurt me. You hurt me in a way I never thought I could be hurt.”
“It wasn’t my intention.”
Like I give a shit. “What did you think was going to happen? You could live with me, stay married, and we’d all just find a way around it?”
Everything inside me is crumbling, my heart, my chest, my willpower to not lash out at him. I’ve spent all these years hating myself for what I allowed to happen. There were so many nights where I would lie in bed, wondering how I could be so stupid.
“I know this isn’t the answer you want to hear, but at that time, I didn’t care. I needed you.”
“You needed therapy,” I spit. “You were selfish, mean, and irresponsible. You could’ve made so many different decisions. You know what the worst part was?”
He shakes his head and has enough decency to look contrite.
“That when I lost the baby, I was happy. Hell, I didn’t even tell you because I never wanted you to know there was something of us living inside me.”
“You were pregnant?”
My hand instinctively covers my stomach.
“Was. I lost that baby because you destroyed anything good in my life.”
I think that, right there, is what I struggled with the most. Sure, I cried, but I wasn’t sad. I was relieved. I didn’t want any ties to Andy or that life.
With this baby, I never would’ve felt that. If I lose this child, I’ll never recover. My entire life will cease because I already love him or her. Callum’s child. It came from a place of love. It came from two people who were broken thanks to other people . . .
“That’s enough, you’ve said your peace,” Kristin says to Andy while touching my back.
“Take care, Nicole.”
“Fuck off, Andy.”
He walks away, and I want to throw something.
“Well, that should settle that,” Kristin says from behind me.
I turn to look at her. “What?”
“You definitely shouldn’t work things out with Callum. Nope. Seeing them side by side, you’re totally right. He’s a bastard just like that one.”
I go to open my mouth to defend Callum. He’s nothing like Andy. Nothing. But before I can say a word, the nurse calls my name to go back. I turn, but not before seeing the grin on Kristin’s smug face.
I’m officially one hundred percent pregnant.
The blood test and ultrasound say so. Though, I’m dubious about the weird-looking balloon thing turning into a child at some point.
Kristin doesn’t say a word during the ultrasound. She sat there with giant, silent tears tracking down her cheeks. Then, when I would look at her like I might choke her, she would stop. Who knew that a baby was all it took to shut her up?
Once we get to the car, she finds her voice and keeps talking non-stop. Throughout the drive home, I sit in a fog, wondering what exactly I’m feeling. Seeing Andy was a blow to my defenses.
I’m not sure if forgiving Callum is the right thing for my heart, but I know it’s what I want to do deep in my soul. My life is better with him in it. He’s made me smile, laugh, and trust, which are things no one else has been able to do.
I love him.
I love him and I hate him at the same time.
“What’s going on in your brain?” Kristin asks. “I’ve been talking, and you haven’t said anything.”
“I’m thinking.”
She laughs. “That’s what the burning smell is.”
“Fuck off.”
“You’re totally going to need to watch your language. You’ve got nine months to curb it before the baby comes.”
I roll my eyes. “No, I just need to teach the kid not to say fuck, shit, and all the other crap that comes out of my mouth.”
Now she bursts out laughing. “Oh, is that how it works? I didn’t know that with two kids and all . . . thanks for that tidbit.”
I hate her.
“Whatever. I’m not even going there yet. The only thing I can think about is how the hell I’m going to do this.”
“Well, you’re going to eat right, take your vitamins, drink lots of water, and continue to grow Callum’s . . . I mean, your little miracle inside you.”
I narrow my eyes at her because she totally did that on purpose. “I hope you get pregnant.”
She glares at me. “Nope. I take my pill like a good girl.”
“I took my stupid pill too!”
“Well, mine works. Yours doesn’t. Noah and I are content. We’re happy not being married or having kids.”
I mimic her, saying, “Not being married or having kids.”
“Good to see you put your grown-up pants on,” Kristin retorts. “Listen, you’re going to be fine. You really will. Even if you don’t get your head out of your ass and realize you have an amazing man who loves you and deserves to be forgiven for something he didn’t even do.” Her eyes roll while she shakes her head. “You’ll be fine. You’re having a baby! A baby! Gah!”
She’s seriously so optimistic sometimes that it’s gross.
We turn into Danielle’s neighborhood. We refuse to let her handle funeral arrangements by herself, and there is still stuff to be done before the service tomorrow. I’ve handled the flowers, transportation, and picked out his headstone, but Heather is helping her make phone calls and arranging the reception afterward.
The good thing is that Peter had really clear instructions on what his wishes were. I just facilitated it all.
“Are you going to tell Danni you are in fact with a bun in the oven?” Kristin asks as I watch the cars pass by.
“Maybe. I don’t know. She knew I took the test, but I haven’t said anything since then.”
“You should.”
I should do a lot of things. “I don’t want to make her grief about me. She has so much going on that the last thing I want to do is make her think she has to pretend to be happy.”
She touches my hand. “No one would ever think that. Besides, maybe we could all do with a little happy in our lives.”
“Maybe, but . . . I mean, it’s not like it’s happy news.”
“Stop it. It migh
t not be expected, but it’s not bad news. You’re going to have a baby, and as your friends, we are happy about it.”
And the unicorns are riding in on their clouds from heaven.
When we pull up to Danni’s house, my jaw drops. Callum is sitting on her porch step.
“What the hell? Is it cheating husbands who slept with Nicole day?” I ask as I cross my arms, refusing to get out of the car.
“He wasn’t married, but I get your sentiment.”
I glare at her. “Really?”
“I’ll handle him,” Kristin says as she gets out of the car.
I sit here with a grin on my face, hoping she gives him hell. She points at his chest a few times, and I imagine her cursing him out, telling him all the ways he was wrong. Sweet, funny, and full-of-hope Kristin’s arms go flying in the air, and Callum’s head drops.
Yes! Give it to him!
I’m feeling victorious, and I didn’t even do anything.
She continues, her hands rising in the air again before flinging out toward where I’m sitting in the car.
“That’s it! Tell him how he doesn’t deserve to be around me!” I say from behind the window. “Yeah, and you can leave!”
Her shoulders fall, and I clamp my lips shut because . . . no. Just no. When he extends his hand and she takes it, I want to beat against the window. “No, no, no.”
He kisses the top of her knuckles, and she tilts her head as her damn shoulder rises like she’s this sweet docile girl.
“Damn it! Resist him, Kris,” I say, tapping the window. “Hey! Don’t fall for it!”
Of course, no one looks in my direction or hears me.
Then she hugs him.
The fucking traitor hugs the bad guy. What in the actual hell is going on? Callum’s eyes meet mine, and he grins at me as if he knows I’m next.
That’s it. Bastard picked the weak one.
“Asshole,” I grit out between clenched teeth and exit the car.
It’s time the big girls handle this shit. Apparently, Kristin isn’t angry enough. I got that in spades.
I slam the car door and march toward him. “Hey!”
“Love.”
“Oh, I’m not your love. What do you want?”
“You,” he says in earnest.
“Nope. You had me, but you lost that chance.” I cross my arms over my chest.
“Nic—”
I turn to Kristin and scowl. “You should be ashamed of yourself. You said you’d take care of this. What the hell was with you talking to him and then falling for his crap? Seriously, you suck.”
“I did handle him. Just not the way you would’ve.”
I roll my eyes. “How? What is it? Hug a Cheater day? No. You were supposed to be all mean and shitty.”
“I was mean!” she defends. “But, dude, he freaking loves you so much . . . and let’s be real, you’re not the easiest person to love. You’re kind of a dick.”
I’m well aware of that, but that isn’t the point.
I face Callum again. “You love me?”
“Yes.”
“Too bad!”
“What’s going on?” Danielle says from where she’s standing in the open doorway.
“Nothing. I’m getting rid of a pest problem,” I inform her.
Kristin snorts. “Yes, he’s the pest? I don’t think so.”
Danielle steps out. “Nicole? Why are you yelling at Callum?”
I shake my head. “No reason. Go inside.”
“Wait, why were you already back from London when Peter . . . oh my God!” Realization flashes in her eyes. “You’re pregnant! Aren’t you?”
“Yes, and she won’t talk to me,” Callum says.
“Because you’re a liar, and I thought you were married!”
“But I’m not. I gave you the proof you needed, and you still won’t give me a chance to show you that I love you. That you’re the only woman I want and need.”
Danielle steps closer. “Wait, married? What the hell?”
I look over at my friend. “Danni, you don’t need to worry about any of this.”
“Why? My husband is dead, he’s not coming back to life. My life sucks fucking donkey balls, so at least tell me why you’re slightly miserable.”
Kristin laughs once, and I level her with a stare.
“Someone needs to fill me in.” Danni waves her hand in front of us all.
“Callum was married.”
“So?” she asks.
“He never told me about it, and his bitch of an ex-wife showed up at his apartment and told me she wasn’t an ex.”
Her mouth drops open. “Oh, wow. Yeah, dude, you fucked up.”
Callum nods. “Believe me, I understand it was a grave error on my part, but I’ve tried to explain that I buried that life behind me once my divorce was final.”
“Clearly, you haven’t if she has a key to your apartment!” I flip him off. “Asshole.”
Danielle and Kristin glance at each other and then to Callum.
“She didn’t get a key from me! My doorman, who no longer is employed at my flat, gave her a bloody key.”
“Stop having answers for everything!” I yell and take a step forward. “You hurt me! I cried like a fucking crazy person on a flight back home!” Another step. “I thought . . . I thought all these things. I felt pain so deep I was convinced I was going to die! Do you get it? I don’t do that! I’m the strong one out of these people!” I shove his chest. I hate him so much for making me weak. Something that I haven’t allowed anyone to have the power to do in a very long time. “Now you made me just like them!” I point to my friends.
“Umm,” Danielle says, but Kristin must’ve stopped her.
I’m too focused on Callum to see why she didn’t finish the thought that probably would have sent me into another rage. “I didn’t want to care about you. But there you were, in my stupid heart, ripping it apart. Now you put a damn baby in me!” I push him again. “I hate you!”
Callum grips my arms, pulls me tightly to his chest, and then drops his mouth to mine. He kisses me so hard I can’t move. Every muscle in my body is locked as he pushes against my lips. Anger, hurt, and disappointment flow around us, and then he softens just a bit. I kiss the asshole back. I kiss him through all the hurt he caused, the love I feel for him, the confliction that is like a vortex deep inside me. I want to hate him, but no matter how much I try to convince myself I should, I can’t.
The truth is, he’s the only man I want. He’s the only person who has loved me for who I am. He didn’t try to change me or make me into someone I’m not. He’s the calm to my crazy.
Sure, he didn’t tell me about his ex-wife, but he is here. He’s here and as much as I wish I didn’t—I believe him.
He lifts his mouth from mine, and I stand here like a statue.
“I never wanted to hurt you,” he says and then places a soft kiss on my lips. “I never wanted to make you weak.” And again he kisses me. “I love you and the baby inside you. I’m going to make this right. I can’t endure another day without you. Please forgive me.”
One of the two assholes beside me audibly sighs.
As cheesy as his words were, I know what he means. I may be angry, but underneath that is sadness and fear. Each night, I’ve reached for him. Missed the sounds of his snoring and the feel of his skin. I’ve longed for him, which is why I’ve soaked my pillows with tears.
“I don’t want to be hurt,” I admit. “I don’t want to feel pain anymore.”
Callum’s hands cup my face. “Then don’t walk away from me again.”
Chapter Thirty
Callum
My heart is pounding against my chest as I wait for her to say something. I can’t and won’t think about this failing. I came here, wanting to lend her support. I heard about Peter’s death on television and came to pay my respects to Danielle. She thanked me for coming with Nicole. It seemed as if she didn’t know that Nicole ended things with me—although, with all she has g
oing on, I can see why. Danielle explained that Nicole and Kristin were on their way, and I asked if I could wait.
I didn’t know how it would go over. It’s clear Nicole’s hurt is deeper than I had thought, but I was determined to show her how good I was for her. I needed to get her to hear me, listen with her heart, and try. Nicole, however, tends to try to speak first.
So, I now have a new way to shut her up a bit—kiss her senseless and then make her listen.
Her eyes show the hesitation that must be in her heart, and I rub my thumb across her cheek, trying to smooth some of it away. “I won’t keep things from you again,” I promise. “If I hadn’t been so dead-set on moving on from the divorce, you would have known about it. I had no idea that would be how you found out, and I’m so bloody sorry. All I want is to make you happy again. Let me back in, love. Let me remind you how good we are.”
I see her soften, and my hope grows that she’ll see how much I truly love her.
Her hand moves to my chest. “I’m pregnant, Callum.”
“I know.”
“Is that why you’re here? Because of the baby?”
“No.” I don’t hesitate. “I’m here because of you. I came because losing you isn’t an option. I don’t care if I lose everything I own, everyone else in my life, anything I care about, as long as I have you. Because it’s you.” I graze her cheek again. “You are what I care about the most.”
“Oh my God, Nicole,” Danielle grumbles. “Forgive the man already! Men like him don’t come around all the time.”
I like her.
Nicole rolls her eyes and loses a deep sigh. “Fine. But if you fuck up again, you’re dead to me.”
I bring her lips to mine and kiss her before she can change her mind.
Clapping sounds from her two friends, and she smiles against my lips. “I really hate them.”
“I don’t believe that’s true.”
She turns to them. “They’ll pay for it, I promise.”
Danielle waves dismissively and then she and Kristin head inside.
Nicole buries her face against my chest and inhales. “I’m going to be skittish.”
My hand moves against her back. “Will you tell me why?”
Not Until You Page 18
