The Colour of Milk

by Nell Leyshon

  i only know two words.

  he started to laugh and then i did too.

  you better learn some more, he said, or you ain’t reading to me. i’d soon get bored with two words over and over.

  i am gonna learn more, i said. and when i have i’ll come down and read to you. would you like that?

  you’d make an old man proud.

  then i’ll do it.

  you’d better hurry up. i ain’t getting no younger.

  don’t say that.

  it’s true.

  he tried to sit up and i helped him. he grabbed my hand. mary, he said. get me summat to eat.

  you’re sposed to be dying. what am i gonna say?

  say i must be so pleased to see you i got the old appetite back.

  i’ll tell them i forced you to agree to eat.

  that’ll do it.

  i stood to go.

  mary.

  what?

  make us a cup of tea and all.

  i stayed till it was near dark. i helped mother with the butter. and then i went out in the yard to go home and that is when i saw violet who was coming back from feeding the pig.

  her belly was sticking out and the rest of her was thin as a wheat reed. and then there was the way she was walking same as one of the ducks in the yard. her hips moved like they was stuck to each other.

  what you gonna do when it comes out? i asked.

  she shrugged. dunno, she said. i told them i didn’t know whose it is. i told them it was one of the casual hands.

  did father believe you?

  reckon he didn’t have no choice. he said i can’t keep it. says it’s got to go.

  you gonna let it go?

  don’t have no choice.

  she looked down and kicked a stone with her foot. he ever say anything? she asked but she didn’t look at me.

  ralph? i asked.

  yeh. him.

  he’s gone, i said. to university. i did tell him.

  o.

  we stood there for a moment.

  he say anything about it?

  not really.

  o.

  i got to go, i said. keep an eye on grandfather.

  yeh.

  and i left. and she stood there and when i turned round before the bend in the lane she was still standing there.

  mr graham called me in his study again that night. the lamp was lit and the thick curtains drawn. the fire burned. i closed the door as he asked and sat at the desk.

  did you bring your book? he asked.

  i took it out my apron pocket and put it on the table. i opened it and showed him the words i found. look, i said, i know what this says.

  good. and this word again?

  bible.

  excellent. now let us start on the first line. we have the word in, then this one you know.

  the.

  exactly. in the . . .

  i know that’s a b.

  good. b. e. g. i. n. n. i. n. g. that spells out beginning. in the beginning.

  that night i opened the book again by the light of the candle and i read with my finger going slow beneath each letter. in the beginning.

  i traced with my finger upon my bed. i made all the letters so they’d be fixed in my head for i didn’t want them to go.

  i blew out the flame and edna slept only i couldn’t sleep and i traced it again and again on the sheet.

  in the beginning.

  winter

  this is my book and i am writing it by my own hand.

  it is now the year of lord eighteen hundred and thirty one and i am still sitting by my window and i am still writing my book.

  i can see my own face in the window glass. my hair and my skin is pale.

  i am bent over and my pot of ink is in front of me and a pile of papers is to my left.

  and you see how i had to learn every letter what i am now writing.

  i don’t like to tell you all this. there are things i do not want to say.

  but i told my self i would tell you everything that happened. i said i would say it all and for this i must do it.

  autumn changed in to winter so quickly i thought i had lost some days.

  each morning in the dark of the room under the eaves, i pulled my clothing in to the bed and waited for that they were warm enough and then i put them on. the house was silent and i got up before edna was awake and before mr graham was downstairs. and i went in the study and cleaned out the ashes. i laid the fire new with wood and paper and lit it then went in to the kitchen and lit the fire there in the range then i had to go back to the study and keep an eye on the fire in there so it was warm enough for when he came down. and then i had to get the hot water for his shave before making the tea and preparing for the breakfast.

  my hands became chapped and raw.

  i did tell edna how cold it was and asked could she come down some days but she said i was used to getting up for the milking that we did every morning and for this i would be used to the cold.

  yes, i said, but then i had the cow’s heat to warm me.

  the door in to the white room was kept closed and the door in to the dining room was kept closed so those rooms did not have to have fires and we put covers on the furniture. and we put stops by the doors so the drafts did not go in. we used only the kitchen and the study and i placed rugs down on the flagstones in the hallway.

  mr graham ate all his meals in his study on his own.

  it was dark when i got up and dark when i went to bed.

  the kitchen was warm and edna did fall asleep by the fire in the afternoons and i sat on the wooden stool and peeled the vegetables.

  and then one day mr graham went away to visit ralph and was gone for a week and we did some special cleaning where we scrubbed the whole house and waxed it again no matter how cold the rooms were and we went in to the church and we cleaned that and my hands was more sore.

  and then the day come when mr graham returned.

  the horse and carriage stopped outside and we rushed out to get his bags and edna made a big breakfast of bacon and kidneys though it was not really morning and i took it in to him in his study what was warm for that the fire was lit ready for him.

  welcome home, sir, i said.

  thank you.

  how was ralph?

  he smiled. he was well, thank you. he seems to be enjoying studying. i’m rather relieved as you can imagine. and how has it been here?

  we done what you asked us to.

  good. and the weather?

  it was cold like this though the sun was out most days. reckon it was to show us where we missed with the cleaning.

  how odd. we had no sun at all. in fact it rained every day.

  he picked up his knife and fork and started to cut up the bacon. then he saw i hadn’t gone. is there something else? he asked.

  yes.

  well go on, speak before my food gets cold.

  i wondered, sir, will you have time to learn me some more?

  teach. will i have time to teach you some more. i teach. you learn.

  then can i learn some more?

  he nodded and smiled. you are eager, he said. we’ll continue this evening. we will start on writing tonight. yes. that’s what we will do.

  that afternoon i peeled the swede and cut off the end what was had by the frost and i got it ready for edna but she didn’t come in the kitchen. i went in the garden and in the cold store in case she was getting some other vegetables but she wasn’t there. i went up the stairs and up again and in to our room. and i found her sitting on the bed in the cold and she was holding her shawl around her and she had her box on the bed. i asked her if she was all right.

  i’m going, she said.

  and i asked what did she mean? where was she going?

  i’m leaving.

  why?

  mr graham said he didn’t need me no more. he said now mrs graham is gone and ralph has left there ain’t enough for two of us to do.

  there is.

  he
said he’ll get someone in to help with the heavy clean but that he couldn’t pay money for the two of us. and he give me this.

  she showed me the money he’d given her then she stood up and held her shawl tight around her. i knew when you came, she said, that he liked you more than he liked me.

  ain’t that, i said.

  it is that. but it’s all right. it ain’t your fault.

  and then she was gone and the room was empty and i sat there till the light was going and i had to go down to attend to the fires and make sure there was enough heat to cook on.

  and so i cooked and i kept the fire burning and then when the evening came i took a tray of food in to the study. and he was sitting in his chair and he saw me come in.

  ah, mary, he said, and he stood up. i think there’s no need to bring my food in here. i’ll come in to the kitchen and eat with you. it’s warm in there and it’ll save you carrying trays around.

  and so i carried the tray back to the kitchen and he followed me. and he sat down at the scrubbed table opposite me and he started to eat. it took him a while to look up and realize i wasn’t eating nothing.

  what is it? he asked.

  edna’s said you told her to go.

  he put down his knife and fork. ah, he said. so that is what has put you out of sorts.

  she weren’t happy.

  i know. but it is easily explained as it was a simple matter of mathematics. i can’t afford to have too many staff when there is only me in the house. we can get outside help in when necessary.

  but she was here a long time, sir.

  i know.

  she’d been here longer than me. she wanted to be here.

  are you saying you do not?

  that, i said, ain’t what i’m saying. it was edna’s home.

  he put his hands together and smiled. you can not possibly expect me to be responsible for her all her life.

  can i not?

  no.

  and he picked up his knife and fork and started to eat again but i did not.

  eat, he said. please.

  and so i pushed my food around my plate but did not eat it. he finished his plate full and i took the two plates through to the scullery. and he watched me.

  i realize, he said when i come back, that it must seem unfair.

  i said nothing.

  look, will you sit down? you haven’t eaten anything.

  i’m not hungry.

  you need to eat. he shook his head and stood up. well, he said, we have things to do. in fact, wait there.

  he left the room and i stood there.

  i heard his study door open and then soon after it closed and i heard his footsteps returning down the stone corridor and he came back in. he was carrying the pen and inkpot. he also had some papers and the blotter.

  it seems a shame, he said, to move now we’re here in the warm. he went to pick up the rest of the plates from the table and i stopped him.

  that is my job, sir.

  i took them through to the scullery and wiped the table with a wet cloth and then a dry cloth and he put the papers down.

  here, he said, pointing to the chair beside him. sit down.

  and i did.

  where is your book?

  i put my hand in to the pocket of my apron and brought out my black leather bible. i put it on the table.

  open it.

  i did.

  read.

  the room was silent and the flames of the candles burned and at first it looked as though the small black marks were moving on the page. and so i put my finger under the words and as they stayed still and i started to say them i could feel him leaning towards me and it seemed like he wasn’t breathing. it seemed like he was willing me to read each word.

  that night i lay in my room upon my own bed and the other bed was empty.

  the air was so cold i could see each breath as it passed out of my mouth. and even though the cold hurt my face and arms and hands and i was shaking with it, i sat in bed with the book and i read by the light of the flame.

  in the beginning.

  i have to stop for a while.

  i have to shake out my hands and walk about the room.

  i have to look out of the window and rest my mind from thinking on all this.

  at times to have a memory is a good thing for it is the story of your life and without it there would be nothing. but at other times your memory will keep things you would rather never know again and no matter how hard you try to get them out of your head they come back.

  i will continue but in a moment.

  the next day i woke early and it was still cold in the house for the cold was in the walls. but it was raining outside and the frost was gone. i went down the stairs to light the fires. i boiled the water and made tea and got it ready to take in to the study only when mr graham got up he came straight in to the kitchen.

  are you all right? i asked for his skin looked thin and white as the paper in my book.

  i feel a little under the weather, he said, and he sat down heavy in the chair.

  can i get you anything? i asked.

  no.

  i lit the fire in your study so you can shave in there.

  i’m fine in here, he said.

  you want me to pour the tea? i asked.

  no. i’ll do it, he said.

  do you want anything to eat?

  no. thank you. i just need to be quiet.

  then i’ll leave you alone, i said. i poured the flour in to the bowl and added the yeast and salt and some tepid water what i had warmed on the fire and started to work the dough.

  he sat for a while then poured the tea and drank half of the cup. he watched me for a while then he stood up. i’ll be back later, he said.

  are you seeing one of your old ladies? i asked.

  but he never answered. he went out the room quick.

  and he left.

  i pulled the dough off of each of my fingers and covered the bowl and rested it by the fire to rise. then i made some pastry and got a hare that had been hanging for a few days and i skinned it and cut it up and cooked it in a gravy all morning.

  later i went outside and pulled three leeks and they come out easy where the frost was gone. and then i got some potatoes in from the cold store. i stood out the back and saw the light was going and there was still no sign of him.

  i boiled the potatoes and leeks and i put the plates to warm for they was cold from the scullery and then i heard the back door open. and he came in to the kitchen.

  is it ready? he asked.

  few minutes, i said. are you all right?

  he clapped his hands together and rubbed them. yes, i’m fine thank you. he sniffed at the air. it smells good, he said. i think we’ll eat in here again this evening.

  and so we sat down. but before i put a fork of food in to my mouth he put his hand out to stop me.

  we shall say grace, he said.

  he closed his eyes and clasped his hands together and he said for what we were about to receive, we should be truly grateful.

  i listened to him and thought about the day i’d had and the cooking and the standing in the rain pulling leeks.

  why, i asked, do we have to be grateful to god when it was me what went out and picked the food and me what cooked the food?

  mary, he said. and he put his hand up to stop me but i carried on.

  and it’ll be me, i said, what cleans up after the food.

  he laughed. you are nothing but a heathen.

  he ate all i gave him then asked for more and ate that. and then he pushed away his plate.

  is the fire lit in my study? he asked.

  yes. i lit it earlier for i thought you’d be back.

  good. will you bring the tea through?

  and he went. and so i took the plates out to the scullery first and then boiled the water and got the tray ready. pot, strainer, cup and saucer, jug of milk. the small spoon. all proper. all as i had been taught.

  i carried it along and
the door was closed. i placed the tray down and opened the door then picked it up again. i took it in and put it down on the desk.

  close the door, he said.

  i closed it.

  sit down, he said.

  i sat down.

  we’re going to have a lesson now.

  now? i said. i ain’t finished clearing up.

  you can do that later. come on, where’s your book?

  so i got out my book and lay it on the desk in front of me.

  where were we? he asked.

  you were doing the next few words, i said.

  ah yes, so i was. he cleared his throat. come, he said. bring your chair around here. it’s impossible to work like this, where one of us is seeing the text upside down.

  and so i picked up the chair and carried it to the other side of the desk and sat by him.

  that’s better, he said. now look at the shape. you need to remember it is like a snake. ssssss. start with the pen at the top.

  i dipped the pen in the ink and i started at the top and the line curved and there it was. s.

  and that is when i felt his leg press against mine and i moved away for there was not enough room behind the desk with the two chairs. only his leg followed and continued to press against mine.

  come on, he said. do another. do a whole line of them until your hand will not forget how to do it.

  and then i felt his hand drop to my knee.

  as i write these words i find i can not breathe and i reach for the window and i try to open it to let the air in but i can not and so i lay my head upon my hands and upon my papers.

  i allow my self the comfort of a short dark sleep.

  but then i wake and i must continue.

  i did not know what was happening or why. and i said to my self do not jump to your feet and start saying anything for this could be just a touch between two people. and if i said anything i would look stupid.

  but then his hand started to go up and down upon my leg and i am deeply shamed to say that i did not move.

  i did not know what to do.

  he said, what is the next letter? he said, concentrate and tell me what this says. and i did not move.

  and i told him what the next letter was and the next and then he said i should write them down for to remember them.