Lost Daughters

by Mary Monroe

  Instead of being a responsible adult, Mel had behaved worse than John French had. At least John had attempted to make up for his crime by trying to rob that gas station to get the money for Maureen to get an abortion.

  Around 2:00 a.m., Maureen woke up. She looked around the apartment for things to do that would distract her and give her something else to think about. But no matter what she did—even scrubbing the inside of her toilet—Loretta and Mel’s betrayal dominated her thoughts.

  She went and locked the door to Loretta’s room and didn’t plan to go back into it again anytime soon. She knew she would probably never sleep in her own bed again, so she was going to either donate it to Goodwill or drag it to the backyard and burn it like she had done the rest of the items Mel had left behind.

  A few minutes before 4:00 a.m., Maureen curled up on the couch and slipped into a comalike sleep. She didn’t know that Jay had called or banged on her front door while she was having one nightmare after another until he returned that day around noon.

  “You can’t let this thing destroy you, Maureen,” he told her when she let him in. “You’ve got too much to live for.”

  “Don’t worry. I’m doin’ just fine,” she lied.

  “Well, you don’t look fine. You look like you’ve been through hell.”

  “I have,” she said in a hoarse voice. “This has been one bad-ass year.”

  “God knows I can relate to that,” Jay quipped. “Things are just now beginning to feel like normal again for me.”

  “Oh! I didn’t mean to open up your wounds,” Maureen said with a hand in the air. The look on her face was so apologetic that Jay thought she was going to burst into tears again.

  “You didn’t open up my wounds. The ones I got will probably never heal anyway.”

  Maureen let out a long, loud sigh. “I know it’s early, but do you want somethin’ to drink? I know I do,” she said, already walking toward the kitchen cabinet where she kept the alcohol.

  “Most definitely. Whatever you have is okay with me,” Jay told her as he sat down hard onto the couch. He could feel Maureen’s pain and anger, and he was as angry and in as much pain as she was. He was glad that Mel was out of her life, and he hoped that Mel stayed out.

  When Maureen returned to the living room with two beers, she eased down on the couch next to Jay. There was a weak smile on her face. He was glad to see that the deep lines he had noticed in her forehead the other night didn’t look as deep now, and her hair was in a neat ponytail. If the dark circles were still around her eyes, she had done a good job of hiding them with the makeup she had applied earlier in the day.

  “Beer is all I have right now.” Maureen was about to take a sip from her beer can, but Jay removed both of the cans from her hands and set them on the coffee table. Then he pulled her into his arms.

  They made love on the couch.

  CHAPTER 58

  MONDAY, IN THE SECOND WEEK OF JULY, MAUREEN MET WITH A lawyer, the same man Virgil drove for. She was not going to give Mel the satisfaction of initiating the divorce. She didn’t have an address for a process server to deliver the papers, but that didn’t matter to her lawyer. This man had kept some of Miami’s most notorious criminals out of jail, so he knew every underhanded trick and loophole in the business. “All you need to give me is that scoundrel’s Social Security number, darlin’,” he told her. “I’ll take care of the rest.”

  The following Saturday was Maureen’s thirty-seventh birthday. She planned to celebrate it and the fact that she would be a free woman again in a few months when her divorce was finalized. She celebrated with Virgil, Corrine, Fast Black, Catty, and Jay in Virgil’s house. Corrine had barbecued some sausage links and steaks, and Jay had brought a bowl of potato salad that he had made from one of the late Mrs. Freeman’s recipes.

  “Thirty-seven and you don’t look a day over twenty-five,” Jay said as they raised their wineglasses and toasted Maureen.

  “But I’m feelin’ every one of my years,” she laughed before she blew out the candles on the German chocolate cake that Corrine had baked. Maureen didn’t even want to think about what was in store for her in the next thirty-seven years—if she lived that long. The way things had been going for her, she was surprised she had not already dropped dead.

  It was a sad day for Maureen. Her birthday was the day that she’d been kidnapped and that was one thing she would have to deal with every year until the day she died.

  When Jay drove her home, she invited him to spend the night. They slept on a pallet on her living room floor like they usually did. Even though Maureen had replaced the bed she had shared with Mel, she spent as little time in the new one as possible. Just being in the same room that she had shared with Mel made her sick to her stomach.

  It was hard for Maureen to believe that only three months had passed since Loretta and Mel’s departure.

  The weather was unusually hot and humid for September this year. Even with air conditioners, large pitchers of iced lemonade, and chilled cans of beer, Maureen walked around in her bare feet with a fan in her hand. Her pain had eased up enough so that she felt comfortable again in her own apartment. She still liked to get out whenever she could. She went fishing with Jay, spent more time with Virgil and Corrine, and entertained Catty and Fast Black whenever they dropped by. She was glad that she had enough going on in her life that she didn’t spend a lot of her time thinking about Loretta.

  One of the things that Maureen didn’t like about her job at the nursing home was that she had to wear scrubs and those ugly, thick-soled white shoes. Each day at the end of her shift, she kicked off her shoes as soon as she got into her car and drove with bare feet. Even with the unattractive attire, Maureen had begun to enjoy her job. Despite the fact that it involved a lot of unpleasant situations, and the turnover was higher than ever, doing what she did made Maureen feel important. She had gotten used to the combative patients and all of the mayhem they caused. She had learned how to duck or jump out of the way in time when one of them threw something at her, and she had learned how to wrestle them off of her when one attempted to bite, pinch, or fondle her. One man got so mean and nasty whenever he couldn’t play with Maureen’s titties that he soiled himself on purpose so she would have to clean his butt and the rest of his private parts. Each time she had to do that, he displayed an erection that would put a horny frat boy to shame.

  Work kept Maureen’s mind occupied. In fact, she enjoyed keeping her mind occupied so much that when two more aides walked off the job, she volunteered to go full-time.

  She had not heard from Loretta or Mel since they had called her that one time. Because they had not given her any contact information, she had no way of getting in touch with them either—not that she was dying to do so anyway. She couldn’t imagine anything they had to say about their relationship that would make her feel any better. They had told her enough.

  Things gradually returned to normal, or as close to normal as it could get. People had almost stopped cursing Mel, so the subject of him and Loretta was discussed only when Maureen brought it up. She had not told her coworkers or her neighbors the whole story about why Mel and Loretta were no longer around. When one of them asked, she simply told them, “Loretta relocated to further her modelin’ career, and Mel and I decided that our marriage was a mistake.”

  Maureen’s family and friends were very important to her, and they were all very supportive. But the support and love of the man she loved was different. For thirty-seven years, Maureen had felt like half a person. Jay made her feel whole. She spent so much time with him in his house that his neighbors thought she had moved in. She loved him so much that it sometimes hurt. The sight of him, his touch, and his lovemaking made her feel that her life was worth living after all.

  Maureen knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Jay was her soul mate, the one she’d been waiting for her whole life. If she lost him, well, she didn’t even want to think about that. Losing Loretta had been painful, and she knew that it al
ways would be, but no matter what, she still wanted her child to be happy. If being with Mel was what it took for Loretta to be happy, well, so be it, Maureen told herself. Besides, there was nothing she could do about that anyway.

  Even though she knew in her heart that she would never forgive Mel and resume their relationship, her pending divorce would make it so final. And that hurt. She didn’t like what it implied. Yes, it meant that she was no longer going to be married to Mel, but it also meant that she was “divorcing” her only child in a manner of speaking. In spite of Loretta’s blatant betrayal and total disregard for her feelings, the girl was still her only child.

  Big Maureen and Lukas came back for Thanksgiving. Maureen and Virgil were so happy to see them again so soon that they didn’t spend much time thinking about Loretta’s absence.

  Jay had turned down several Thanksgiving dinner invitations from people who were still “looking after him” so that he could spend that occasion with Maureen and her family. He occupied the seat that Mel had always sat in on this occasion every year, and the high-backed chair, which didn’t match any of the other chairs at the table, was occupied by Big Maureen this year, not Loretta.

  Even though there was a huge Thanksgiving feast piled up on the table, a lot of hugging and kissing going around the room, and a lot to be thankful for, it was not a happy holiday. This was the first time since Loretta’s birth that she had not spent the holiday with Maureen. Maureen didn’t even want to think about how hard it was going to be for her to get through Christmas without falling apart.

  Big Maureen had seemed distracted and preoccupied since she and Lukas arrived from the airport. After dinner, Maureen took her aside and demanded to know why she was walking around looking as gloomy as a pallbearer.

  “It don’t look like me and Lukas ever goin’ to get us a baby,” Big Maureen choked. “Them adoption folks finally told us somethin’ they never told us before.” Big Maureen blinked to hold back the tears that were threatening to roll out of her eyes. “There was some kind of mix-up at their main office and somebody misplaced some paperwork. We was the next couple in line to get a baby, but because of that mix-up, another couple—a couple that’s been childless for the twenty years they been married—got the baby we should have got. Now we got to wait God knows how much longer.”

  “Well, maybe that wasn’t the baby for you and Lukas. Maybe God thought that other couple who had never had a baby deserved a baby before y’all. You can’t overlook the fact that you have raised some kids of your own already,” Maureen said. The way Big Maureen’s mouth dropped open and her eyebrows shot up frightened Maureen. She wished she hadn’t added that last sentence.

  “But me and Lukas ain’t never had no kids together. Since my kids all so old, it don’t even feel like I ever raised none,” Big Maureen shot back. She immediately apologized to Maureen for her outburst. “I don’t mean to be takin’ out my frustration on you, Little Mo’reen. I know you got enough problems already on your plate without me addin’ some of mine. I’m sorry. It just seems like I can’t win for losin’.” She sniffed, nervously wringing her hands.

  “That’s all right, Big Mo’reen. You don’t have to be sorry about nothin’. I’ve learned to live with my problems and you will too.” Maureen smiled, but it was a hollow smile. “I got a feelin’ things will work out for you and Lukas, and for me,” she told her big sister.

  CHAPTER 59

  THE MONTH OF DECEMBER SLID IN LIKE A PYTHON. NEITHER MAUREEN nor Jay bothered with Christmas decorations or a tree, and neither one of them did any Christmas shopping. All Maureen did to observe the holiday was send out a few cards.

  This would be the first Christmas in Jay’s life that he didn’t spend with Mrs. Freeman, the woman he still thought of as his mother. He invited Maureen to spend the holiday with him in Bimini.

  Since Maureen’s blue mood was just as dark as Jay’s, she told him she would go. A change would do her a lot of good, but before she could get out of town, another monkey wrench got thrown in her direction.

  Loretta called while Maureen was packing for her trip. It was Christmas Eve.

  “Merry Christmas, Mama!” she chirped.

  “Lo’retta? Is that you?” Maureen asked, too startled to say anything else.

  “Who else calls you Mama, Mama?!”

  “Merry Christmas to you, too, baby,” Maureen said in a warm voice.

  “You sure don’t sound merry to me. This is the season when everybody is supposed to be jolly. You used to be!”

  “I used to be a lot of things, Lo’retta.” Maureen’s voice went from warm to chilly within seconds. “And so did you.” What she couldn’t understand was how Loretta was still able to be so “jolly” under the current circumstances. She had to know that she had caused her mother an enormous amount of pain.

  “Mama, get over it. What I did is old news now. You need to move forward.”

  “Lo’retta, I have moved forward. I hope you have too.”

  “Oh. Well, anyway, I’ve been meanin’ to call you,” Loretta said, sounding as petulant as a five-year-old.

  “Why didn’t you? And why are you callin’ me now?” Maureen asked. She was in her bedroom sitting on the side of the new bed.

  “I needed to talk to you about somethin’. . . .”

  “Oh? Was there somethin’ you forgot to say to me when you called that day back in June?” Maureen was still bitter and still very angry with her daughter, but she was glad to hear her voice, so she decided to soften her demeanor. “Is everything all right?”

  “Yes, ma’am. How have you been? I mean, you still pissed off?”

  “Yes, I am still pissed off. I probably will be for a long time to come. But like I just said, I’m movin’ forward with my life, Lo’retta. Thank you for askin’.”

  “And like I just said, you need to get over it.”

  “Is that why you called?”

  “Well, I was thinkin’ about you. I thought that it bein’ the holiday season, you’d be in a good mood.”

  “I am in a good mood. I still have a lot to be thankful for. I have some good friends and family who love me. I’m better off than a lot of people.”

  “That’s the spirit, Mama. They say you can’t keep a good woman down, and you’ve proved that that’s true a hundred times over.”

  “I can agree with that. I feel the same way.” Maureen’s voice was dripping with sarcasm on purpose.

  “You still workin’ at that old folks’ home?”

  “Yes, I am.”

  “I hope you find somethin’ better soon. You used to come home from that place smellin’ like Bengay and liniment and old folks’ sweat. That lobster factory you worked for all those years was bad enough.”

  “I hate to disappoint you, but I love my job, so I won’t be lookin’ for somethin’ better at all. You still modelin’?”

  Loretta gasped. “Eoww! What’s wrong with you, Mama? Of course I’m still modelin’! What do you think I came up to New York for? Didn’t I tell you I’m goin’ to be a supermodel?”

  “Repeatedly,” Maureen hissed. “I hope you do become a supermodel.”

  “When I do, I’ll be doin’ magazine interviews and TV talk shows like that black supermodel Naomi Campbell is doin’. Her mama used to be a showgirl, and I heard she is goin’ to be doin’ some modelin’ too!” Loretta clucked. Then she began to speak in a more serious tone of voice. “I wish you was more like Naomi’s mama. I don’t want to go on a talk show and tell the world that my mama works in a nursin’ home! I’ll probably say you’re just a housewife, sittin’ on a porch with a cat.” Loretta snickered, but she was dead serious.

  Maureen rolled her eyes and sighed with exasperation. “Like I said, I enjoy my job now. I like workin’ with people who need and appreciate me, but if I was just a housewife sittin’ on a porch with a cat, I’m sure I’d enjoy that too.”

  “Oh well. Whatever, whatever. Are those old people still actin’ crazy? Bitin’ you and spittin’ on you and
stuff?”

  “I’m used to it now. I told my boss to put me on full-time as soon as possible,” Maureen announced, unable to keep the curtness out of her voice. Loretta’s call had caught her off guard. Since she had never been betrayed on this level before, she didn’t know how she was supposed to feel, think, or act by now. Loretta was still her daughter and Maureen still loved her. “I hope your life is still goin’ well, Lo’retta,” she offered. She meant it too. Despite what had happened, she wanted her daughter to succeed in everything she did. But she prayed that that would not include her stealing another woman’s husband someday. “I pray for you all the time.”

  “That’s nice.” Loretta cleared her throat with a cough. “I’ve been gettin’ a lot of work, and I’ve met a whole lot of important people. I’m makin’ so much money, and I have a gorgeous loft in Soho! You wouldn’t believe all the gorgeous new clothes I bought and all of the A-list celebrities I run into all the time. Even Al Pacino. He laughed when I told him that you’ve had a crush on him since 1972.”

  Maureen couldn’t believe how giddy and upbeat Loretta sounded now. Was she so self-centered that she didn’t even care about all the pain she had caused? And why had she not even asked about Virgil or Corrine or Big Maureen? Or anybody else?

  “I might be goin’ to Milan next year. That’s in Italy,” Loretta gushed, keeping the general focus of the conversation on herself.

  “I know where Milan is,” Maureen said. “Well, I hope you and Mel enjoy Milan, Italy.”

  Loretta gritted her teeth before responding. “Um, he won’t be goin’ with me.”

  “Awww, that’s too bad,” Maureen said with mock compassion. “I didn’t think that y’all liked to spend too much time apart. Especially now. I’m surprised he’s goin’ to let you go halfway around the world without him. By the way, when’s the weddin’?”

  “Mama . . . he’s with somebody else. He moved out two weeks ago,” Loretta choked. “He didn’t really love me after all, I guess.”