Darkroom

by Joshua Graham

  Life is war—when are those idiots going to face it? For those who stand in the way, indecisive, hesitant, legislating the future away, I say, get out of the way and let someone who can lead get the job done. True leaders are above the rules and codes that apply to the ordinary people we fight for and sacrifice to protect. You do whatever you can to gain the upper hand, and you get out. Face it. Some people are going to die. I learned that the hard way in Nam. Tragic, but that’s just the way it goes, no need to cry about it. Crying weakens you.

  That’s something I’ve told my boys since they were little. Ingrates won’t talk to me now. Suzie is filing for divorce. After all I’ve done for her, all I’ve sacrificed.

  Dammit, now I’m crying.

  There’s nothing left. It’s just me and this empty house, guarded by the very men once sworn to protect me. All I’ve got left is my pride and my love for my country, which I’d gladly die for. And now, with the muzzle of my classic Winchester 1895 tucked under my chin, I will.

  This is my rifle. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

  My rifle is my best friend. It is my life.

  I must master it as I must master my life …

  Before God, I swear this creed. My rifle and myself are the defenders of my country. We are the masters of our enemy.

  We are the saviors of …

  98

  IAN MORTIMER

  “Bloody hell, Nikki, why did you bring him?”

  “He’s your son.” Even though Nicole has shielded him from the media, there’s no escaping the truth. His father is a murderer. Nevertheless, I cannot bear to have him see me this way, in manacles and prison garb. “Please, Ian. He’ll start to worry out there, waiting with the guard.”

  “Mightn’t we have a moment alone first?”

  “I’m here now.”

  Truly, the most amazing thing about this entire debacle is that when I had confessed all to Nicole, after the initial shock and anger and a sense of betrayal, she decided to forgive me.

  “In a way I’m relieved.” She glances over her shoulder to see if Bobby is watching. “All those secretive phone calls, all those out-of-town trips you wouldn’t talk about. I thought you were having an affair.”

  “I had no choice. Colson would have come after you and Bobby. Confessing was the only way to stop him.”

  “Please, Ian, let Bobby come and say good-bye before they transfer you.”

  “I’m not quite ready, love.” A sob catches in my throat. “What have I done? How’s he going to go on, knowing his father’s a monster? And worse still, I can’t get any more meds for him now.”

  “You really think drugs will save him?”

  “It helps with the pain.”

  “He needs a miracle. How much can we hope or pray for, as long as what we give him results from ill-gotten gain?”

  “I’m going to hell, Nicky. All those people I killed. I deserve the death penalty, I do.”

  “We won’t leave your side.” She’s been uncommonly strong through this entire ordeal. But now, despite the smile, tears pool in her eyes.

  If only this blasted window weren’t in the way. I’d gather her up in my arms, hold her forever. I may die by lethal injection, or at best live out the rest of my life in prison, but never shall I have to kill or do anything for Colson again. An unexpected wet sniffle. I blow a kiss to the beloved mother of my son. “Would you bring Bobby in now? I’m ready.”

  99

  SEALED LETTER ADDRESSED TO XANDRA CARRICK

  19 December 2003

  My Dearest Xandra,

  If you are reading this letter, then I have already gone home to my Lord. Do not be overcome with grief, but look forward to the day when we meet again.

  If you have read my journal, then you know that there are some matters of significance I have never spoken with you about. I am referring to the visions I have had in my life.

  Today, I experienced one of the most real, most frightening, and most wonderful visions in my forty-eight years. Afterward, I felt compelled to write this letter and put it in my will that you only read it after my death. Which may come sooner than expected.

  I have seen symbolic images of your future. And while I cannot discern what each of them means specifically, I believe I understand their meanings. Please consider what I am about to say, and see if it verifies what you may be sensing in your spirit today.

  If you have followed the path for which you have been ordained, you will have helped free your father of whatever bondage he suffers from all these years. It will come at a great personal cost for both of you. But what you will gain will be beyond measurable worth.

  My daughter, I saw that you will be given spiritual gifts even greater than mine. Do not fear them, though they cost you your comfort, your preconceptions of reality, and even your mortal life. You should not keep these gifts to yourself. They are imparted for the benefit of all God’s children.

  And finally, my dear Xandi, accept who you are without the need for the approval of anyone on earth. You are a child of the Almighty, and that is what matters most. You have a calling, a purpose. And as Jesus Christ told His followers regarding the miracles He performed, “You shall do these works and even greater works.”

  I am so proud of you, and I know at this point, your father is as well.

  I love you always,

  Mom

  100

  XANDRA CARRICK

  For to one is given the word of wisdom through the Spirit, to another the word of knowledge through the same Spirit … to another the working of miracles, to another prophecy …But the manifestation of the Spirit is given to each one for the profit of all.

  —1 Corinthians 12:8–11

  For the profit of all. Mom would tell me this, whenever she talked to me about how gifted I was. Along with these verses, she would tell me that old Vietnamese Tiger’s Throne fable. I’m beginning to understand the truth she meant to convey.

  She used to tell me I had many gifts, that one day I would do great things. That I was extraordinary. But I stopped believing it.

  I see the truth about my gift, now that it’s gone. Had the truth set me free? Had anyone profited from it? One thing is certain: the change in Dad’s life. His very countenance radiates the joy of a resurrected spirit. Come what may, he no longer needs to hide in the darkness. Even in prison, he stands tall in the light, no longer a captive to the deceptions that held him in chains for half his life. Inmates look to him as a beacon, and he gladly accepts that role.

  Dad’s not the only one. I, too, have been set free. Like that old hymn says: I once was lost, but now am found, was blind but now I see.

  Since I began seeing visions, I questioned the purpose of this ostensible gift. Why would anyone want to see or know the details about horrific murders? Of what use were they? All they seemed to do was bring me to a life-threatening precipice and demand I take a leap of faith. Until now, I truly believed that some things were not meant to be seen, to be known.

  But I see now that these visions are gifts, given for the sake of truth. Hidden truth. Truth that brought closure to the Dellafina family, that brought justice to a forgotten farming village in Vietnam. That exposed Richard Colson for what he really was. Truth that brought light to the darkness.

  The manifestation of the Spirit is given to each one for the profit of all.

  If given another opportunity, I wonder if I’d embrace that gift and the responsibility that comes with it. It doesn’t matter now. The Graflex is gone. I don’t even care about the Marbury now.

  In a way, I’m glad. I’ve had enough and am perfectly happy never to see another vision again. No more negatives, chemicals, or darkrooms. I’ve decided to start playing the cello again. Perhaps I’ll start with a recital in a retirement home.

  I’m content viewing some pictures as a slideshow on the computer monitor in Dad’s house. I took some great shots at Del Mar beach yesterday using my Nikon digital SLR. With a click of the mouse, I pause the slid
eshow on this one, my favorite: An expiring sun infuses the firmament with its essence. Broad scarlet strokes form a celestial fresco. There’s nothing quite like a Pacific sunset.

  The shore reflects like a mirage, except here, the water is real. Everything on this unadulterated canvas is real: sand, sea, and the light. Edouard Manet said: “The most important person in any picture is the light.” Nothing disturbs this image.

  Except …

  The sound of rushing wind, the numb tingling in my body I am perceiving. The salty breeze, the sand between my toes. Without the Graflex or darkroom, I can see it’s something that had not been there when I took this picture.

  I’m on the shore, suspended in that state of existence where past, present, and future coexist in perfect unity.

  The waves ebb.

  From beneath the glassy surface of the ground, it emerges.

  The body of a missing person.

  And with it, a new story.

  The truth.

  Acknowledgments

  The conception of this book was very much like that of a child. I had just lost my job of nine years and decided to take advantage of the free time to concentrate on my passion for writing. After discussing what we felt makes a great novel, my wife and I sat in the living room for several hours thinking up ideas for the central character (Xandra Carrick) and a plot we felt we’d love to read.

  From that point on, Darkroom flowed from my mind without pause until it was completed. I’d like to call it divine inspiration, but that would be oversimplifying things. Suffice it to say, this book was founded on love and faith, themes that weigh heavily in this work.

  But it’s not enough to simply say that I wrote this book. No man is an island, and contrary to what some may say, neither is any successful author. There are so many people I wish to thank and honor, and I’ll have to beg forgiveness from those I was not able to mention by name.

  First, I wish to acknowledge my editor Holly Halverson, who helped bring this book to the polished quality expected of Howard Books. I’d also like to thank Jessica Wong for her tireless help coordinating the manifold logistics involved in the production of a book. I am deeply grateful for all the effort and support of the entire Darkroom team. Of course, I must mention Becky Nesbitt, who in her extremely busy role as vice president took the time and believed in my work enough to acquire it.

  I would also like to thank my Online Writing Trio members, Susan Wingate, and Michael Bellomo for all their encouragement throughout my career. I’ve learned so much from them both. A special thanks to Khanh Nguyen for helping me with authentic Vietnamese-American cultural questions. I would also like to thank Dean Wesley Smith (my first editor ever) and Kristine Kathryn Rush, my mentors in writing and the publishing business for years. The effects of their generosity and wisdom will remain with me always, and I can only hope to pay forward as much as they have poured into me. And, of course, my fellow Fall 2009 Master Class alums, who have given me invaluable feedback and cheered me on as I embarked on this journey of writing.

  I would be remiss if I neglected to honor the people from The City Church San Diego, my second family. Pastors Jerry and Tami McKinney, the Business Owners Prayer Group, Tom and Christy Giangreco, Patrick and Connie Montoya, Chris and Carol Essex, Kerry Layton, and my connect-group members: Brandt and Jennifer Strieby, Reza and Kathy Namvar, Ken and Lisa Lako, Cary and Tammie Gilmore, Tom and Trish Vesneski, and Farshid and Marisol Farokhi. Also, my very close friends and relatives William and Ckristina Sutjiadi, Michael and Patricia Goh, Stephen and Vivien Tseng. Thank you all for your fervent prayers through some of the most challenging times of my life.

  In all my books I wish to honor the memory of my mother, Anna, as well as my father, Paul, who at the time of this note continues to race across the planet preaching and teaching the good news of Christ at the age of eighty-three! God bless you always.

  Of course, I must save the best for last. I want to thank and honor my beautiful wife, Katie, for standing by me all these years, from my first short-story sale to the publication of this book. You are my muse, my best friend, and my wonderful helper in life.

  Reading Group Guide

  Discussion Questions

  1. In Darkroom Peter Carrick withholds the truth in order to protect his family—a lie of omission. Do you think it’s ever moral or acceptable to lie? Why or why not?

  2. Xandra Carrick is a strong individual but vulnerable when it comes to her relationship with her father. How much does your relationship with your father (or other paternal figure) affect your view of yourself?

  3. Xandra’s visions bring her knowledge that put a burden of responsibility on her shoulders. Have you ever become privy to something that you struggled with, wondering whether you should turn a blind eye or bring it out into the open? How difficult was that decision?

  4. Peter Carrick was not a religious person, yet he was married to Grace, a deeply spiritual woman from a different culture and ethnicity. How do you think their differences affected their marriage and life? Have you ever had to overcome such vast differences?

  5. How were the following characters imprisoned by the lies and secrets they kept? Peter Carrick, Ian Mortimer, Richard Colson.

  6. Have you ever kept a secret that ate away at you? How did it feel when you finally came clean with it, if you did so?

  7. When Pastor Jake speaks to Xandra about faith and his views on life, he says: “Nothing just happens. Everything’s connected. By a divine plan. What we humans perceive as infinite possibilities of events doesn’t even come close to the infinite from God’s point of view.” Do you agree or disagree? Explain.

  8. When Kyle explains why he never questioned Xandra’s ability to see visions, he cites Pascal’s Wager, which states: “Though the existence of God cannot be determined through reason, a person should wager as though God exists, because living life accordingly has everything to gain, and nothing to lose.” What do you think of this?

  9. Xandra actually pulled the trigger when pointing the gun at President-elect Colson. Was this from vengeance, self-protection, or to rid the world of an evil man who abused power? If you were in Xandra’s position, would you have done the same?

  10. John Morgenstern, Xandra’s defense attorney, said, “I think we atheists have to have the strongest faith of all. Because if we’re wrong …” Do you think it takes faith to believe there is no God? Explain.

  11. After testifying and confessing his own lies, Peter Carrick goes to prison where he says: “‘There’s no prison wall that can ever take the freedom I’ve gained.’ For the first time, I can look my daughter in the eye, unashamed.” Can you think of a time when a lie has imprisoned you? And a time that the truth set you free?

  Author Q&A

  1. You mention in the acknowledgments of Darkroom that you began pursuing your passion for writing after losing your previous job of nine years. What kind of work were you involved in before? How does it affect what you write about today?

  In the past I worked as a professional musician (I’m a cellist) and professor of music. I hold a bachelor’s and master’s degree from Juilliard and a doctorate from Johns Hopkins University. I performed internationally and in the United States as a cello soloist and as principal cellist of various professional orchestras and taught on several music faculties including Shepherd College, Western Maryland College, Columbia Union College, and Brooklyn College. My most recent prior line of work was information technology. When my entire department was outsourced in 2008, I found myself facing some very difficult decisions especially in the face of the economic downturn. But it was the greatest thing that ever happened to me in many ways. I believe it was a God-ordained plan to use a bad situation to pave the way for me to become a full-time writer.

  My past experiences help add some flavor (seasoning, if you will) to my books. Because I have so much of it in me, it is natural to incorporate classical music (Xandra Carrick is a cellist—coincidence?), computers, and my faith into the books I
write. Write what you know, as the saying goes.

  2. What role does your personal faith play in writing novels? What kind of messages are you trying to convey to readers?

  I cannot begin to express how important a role my faith in Jesus Christ plays in my novel writing. Without reservation, I always tell people that all of my success has come through divine inspiration. I know that might sound cliché, but it’s completely true. Before Darkroom, my book Beyond Justice hit #1 on three different Barnes & Noble Bestseller lists and #3 on Amazon.com. It also won the 2011 International Book Award. But that book came as a result of deep soul searching and prayer. The message I am trying to convey in all of my books is not one that preaches and/or tells a reader what to think or believe. I want to show my readers a side of Christianity that is rarely portrayed in the media and to present controversial issues with fairness. To that end, I don’t portray nonbelievers in a bad light, nor do I portray believers as perfect. And as for the questions about God and faith, I present both sides as unbiased as I can and let the reader draw their own conclusions. I am grateful that, based on all the positive feedback for Beyond Justice, many readers who are not “religious” appreciated my approach and were given a chance to glimpse this faith in a way they might not otherwise have done. As for the message, it varies from book to book and I try to write what I feel God has given me to write. That’s not as lofty as it sounds. After all, we all have divine purposes and assignments (according to Ephesians 2:10) and it is God’s plan that we should walk in those callings.

  3. How did you develop Xandra’s character?