by Fiona Lowe
He thought of Mark Converse, who’d said much the same thing about his wife, and instantly rejected it. “I wish I had your confidence,” he snarled, “given it’s based on so much medical knowledge.”
He felt a hand on his shoulder. “Sorry I’m late, Will,” Josh said, glancing between him and Ethan. “Everything good?”
“Millie’s gone skydiving,” Ethan said as if it was an ordinary event.
Josh sat down and took a fistful of peanuts from the bowl. “Good for her.”
What the . . . ? “You can’t be serious?” Betrayal licked along Will’s veins. Josh was a doctor. A colleague. A mate. “On which planet is this possibly a good thing?”
“Interesting,” Josh said, as if Will was a science experiment. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you lose your cool before. You do know she wouldn’t do anything stupid.”
“I already told him that,” Ethan added with one brow raised.
“Neither of you are helping,” he ground out, his jaw so tight it felt like it might shatter.
“You can’t wrap her in cotton balls, Will,” Josh said, spinning his wedding ring. “That’s one of the first things you learn in Love 101.”
“I am not in love.”
Ethan and Josh laughed so hard they spilled their beers.
“Very funny.” Will sank the last of his beer, planning on leaving.
Josh sobered. “Think about it this way. Eth’s known Millie for years, I’ve known her for a year and a half and you’ve been in town two months. You’re the only one here who’s bothered by the fact she’s throwing herself out of a plane.”
“Because she’s diabetic!”
The bar chose that moment to go silent, and his frustrated words rang out loud and clear. Heads turned. Will poured another beer and wished he could slide under the table.
“There’s way more to it than that, dude,” Josh said sympathetically. “And seeing we’re girling-up and talking about feelings, then I’ll admit to you that I get it. Before I met Katrina, I’d never had this caveman response of wanting to keep a woman safe like I feel it for her. I want to stand on guard and club anything that might get close and hurt her, because the thought of anything happening to her makes it hard to breathe.”
“Respect,” Ethan said.
Will’s chest burned as Josh’s words rang terrifyingly true in his ears. “You both feel that way?”
The guys nodded.
“When it happens,” Josh said, “you know you’re in deep and you can no longer hide behind the It’s just good sex excuse.”
He wanted to say I don’t love her, but Josh had just described his feelings for Millie to a tee. The need to protect her consumed him in a way it never had for any other woman.
I love you, Will, and I think you love me, too.
I love her. I really do love her. The full realization hit him with the impact of a two-by-four, and he rubbed his face with his palms. Without a shadow of a doubt, he loved Millie. “I thought that need to keep her safe was just me.”
Josh gave a wry and understanding smile. “Welcome to our world. Of course, they’d kill us if we tried to stop them from doing anything risky, so you’ve got to tread carefully and find a balance.” Josh squeezed his shoulder. “It’s going to be harder for you because of Millie’s diabetes. You can’t slay that dragon, and the fact you know way more about the disease than the average Joe makes it worse.”
“Her diabetes strikes terror into every part of me.”
“And you walked away,” Ethan said, his gaze fixed on Will’s face as if he was looking down the sight of a gun.
“Listen, mate,” Will said, his anger sparking as thoughts of Millie and Charlie charged around his head. “You don’t know the full story. There are so many things that could go wrong.”
“And there are so many things that could go right.” Ethan didn’t back down. “If you love her and she loves you, you can work everything else out. You just have to decide if you’re man enough to step up.”
Right then he hated Ethan, and more than anything he wanted to snot him one on the nose with his fist.
It’s a fair call, bro, Charlie’s voice chimed in reasonably. I know it sucks for you that I’m dead, but life goes on. Millie told you that, too, and you’d be an idiot to keep shutting her out.
How do you know? You’ve never even met her?
A laugh echoed in his head. I know because you know. Oh, and, big brother, I knew it first. Charlie flipped him the bird. Millie’s like Miranda. Real.
“And their names both start with M.”
Josh startled. “Excuse me?”
Will realized he’d just spoken out loud to Charlie or to his own thoughts—he was never totally certain, and it really didn’t matter. “I’ll explain it all another time.”
“Sure,” Josh said, flicking Ethan a worried look. “Listen, if you want a chance with Millie, you’re gonna have to find a way of separating the doctor from the man. You need to trust her.”
“That’s easy for you to say.”
“True, but it’s the only way.”
You’re treating me like a patient, not a woman. You’re focusing on all of the bad stuff instead of the good.
His gut rolled as he remembered some of the things he’d said to her. He stood up, frantic to get to her and fix things. “I’m going to talk to her.”
“Not after drinking three beers on an empty stomach you’re not.” Ethan pushed him back in his seat. “They’re a three-hour drive away, and arriving at midnight isn’t going to win you any favors. We’ll go in the morning and you can watch her jump.”
He almost threw up.
Chapter 22
The buzz of the plane deafened Millie, and she was having second thoughts about this whole skydiving deal. Yesterday’s training session had been great, but it had still been a buffer between her and the real thing of jumping out of a plane and tumbling into the sky.
Tara gave her the thumbs-up, grinning from ear to ear. The policewoman was in her element. Millie was not. What Tara saw as adventure and an adrenaline rush was currently freaking Millie out. Originally, she’d booked a tandem jump for herself and an accelerated free fall for Will, but on a shot of I’ll show him fury, she’d decided to do his jump. Now reality had caught up with her, and it was a salient lesson that she should never make big decisions when she was bruised and hurting.
Her heart raced, her throat was drier than sandpaper and her body shook, but at least it wasn’t from low blood sugar—it was just plain old dread. She’d read everything she could on the diabetes forums about what experienced diabetic skydivers did before they jumped, and she’d followed their instructions to the letter. She’d carbed up a few hours ago. She’d just had some candy. Her instructors knew about her diabetes, and someone was on the ground with D50 if she needed it. Going by the forum posts, it would be highly unlikely.
“See you back on terra firma,” Tara shouted like the expert she was, and then she was barrel-rolling out of the plane, falling through the sky toward the green grass and blue lake that lay far, far below.
Oh. My. God.
“You ready to give me your pump?” Leon, one of her instructors, yelled over the noise of the plane. He held out a plastic container with a lid toward her.
“One more check, okay?”
“Sure. It’s totally your call.”
She pricked her finger and waited for the monitor to beep. 120. A nice, big safety buffer without being crazy high. She disconnected her pump and placed it in the container.
“You good to go?” Ted, the second instructor, asked.
She shook her helmeted head slowly back and forth.
Leon laughed. “Sure you are. You’re gonna love it.”
Millie highly doubted that. She loved canoeing, she loved hiking, she loved Will. He doesn’t love you. She stood up, the parachute rig heavy on her back. “Let’s do this.”
The instructors edged close to the open door of the plane and beckoned her forward.
The wind rushed her, and far below she saw mountains and trees and the crisscross jigsaw of crops and pastureland. She eased forward and then, just as she’d been taught, thrust her hands out in front of her. The next moment she was in the air, falling, falling, falling.
The wind captured her scream and threw it away as if it was insignificant.
In frog position and with Leon and Ted holding on to her arms and legs on either side, she looked up into the wide blue sky above her and then, with a gulp, down toward the green, gold, brown and gray of the earth below. Half of her brain was yelling, You’re falling at 120 mph, and the other half was squealing, This is incredible! She was floating and flying, just like the birds she’d watched yesterday, and totally detached from her life far below.
The free fall seemed to go on forever. Leon pulled her arm down to the pilot chute handle a couple of times, checking she’d made contact, and then she was back, putting both arms out in front of her, bending them at the elbow. Leon tugged at her arm again—the third time was the sign. Her minute of free fall was over and it was time to deploy the parachute.
Leon let go of her. Her fingers gripped the handle and, remembering everything from the training, she tugged. Ted let go of her. Her body jolted upward for an instant, and then she was floating. She glanced over at the camera guy, who was clapping and showing her which way to pull the toggles to move the canopy.
Peace descended. She was wafting over the world and it was glorious. This was it. This was the separation from Will that she needed. She was landing a wiser woman, putting the summer behind her and getting on with her life without him.
Landing involved focusing on the big yellow cross on the ground. Pulling on the steering lines, she lined herself up with the target, and slowly but steadily the ground came closer and closer. She started moving her feet, and then the earth was hard against her soles and she sagged.
“Stand up, stand up,” someone yelled.
And she did, and then she was standing on grass with the canopy streaming out behind her and she couldn’t stop laughing. Whether it was from sheer relief or joy, she couldn’t tell. I did it!
Her instructors, who’d landed just before her, gave her high fives and relieved her of her harness, and then Tara was hugging her and saying, “Go, Millie. You did great.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared in my life.”
Yeah, you have been. Last week when Will walked away.
Protecting her high, she immediately shut out the thought. “Sorry, what were you saying?” she asked Tara as they commenced walking toward the hangar.
Tara was waving toward the entrance where people milled around, and she wore a secret smile on her lips. “Ethan’s here. He came to see us jump.”
Millie gave Tara a gentle elbow in the ribs. “I think it’s more like Ethan came to see you jump.”
Last night as they’d lain in their twin beds in the cabin, Millie had almost needed to pull the information out of Tara about her and Ethan. Tara hadn’t wanted to tell her for fear of upsetting her. Despite Will’s rejection of her, Millie could only be happy for Tara and her dear friend.
After Ethan had wrapped his arms around Tara and kissed her thoroughly, Millie gave him a hug. “Hey, Eth. What a great surprise. It’s so good to see you.”
“I couldn’t miss this, and what about you? You totally stuck that landing,” he said, returning her hug. “I had a driving buddy come with me.”
As he stepped back and she looked over his shoulder, shock ripped through her.
Will.
He looked like hell—his sun-kissed hair was standing up on its ends looking like he’d been electrocuted, and the grief lines around his eyes were deeper than when she’d last seen him. The guy whose social persona was one of relaxed charm looked exhausted and strung out.
Her heart did a treacherous flip, aching for him.
Stop it. I am not feeling sorry for him. He hurt me badly and he deserves to look like that.
She gave him a curt nod, unzipped her jumpsuit and stepped out of it.
WILL wanted more than anything to rush up to Millie, wrap his arms around her, hold her tight and never let her go, but the daggers she was firing at him from her eyes told him that would be a direct line to nowhere.
Ethan pressed a hand to his shoulder. “Tara and I are going to grab a coffee from the café. Come find us when you’re done.” He added softly, “Good luck.”
If Millie’s frosty demeanor was anything to go by, he needed more than luck. “G’day, Millie.”
“Why are you here?”
Because I love you. He tried a smile. “I came to see you jump.”
She snorted as she plunged her hand into her tote bag. “This from the man who forbids me to jump.”
“Hey, Millie,” one of the instructors called out to her holding up a plastic container. “I’ve got your pump and your test kit.”
“Thanks, Leon.”
She bestowed upon the guy one of her enthusiastic smiles, similar to the ones she used to give him. A smile that lit her up from the inside out.
Leon grinned and gave her an appreciative glance. “You did great out there. You let us know when you’re good to jump again.”
No. Only this time Will didn’t know if his no was about the jump or because of the way Leon was looking at Millie. His Millie.
Leon walked away, and Millie lifted her T-shirt and reattached the pump before testing her blood sugar.
Is it high or low? Do you need insulin or food?
How are you feeling?
Will bit down so hard to stop himself from asking her the questions that he tasted the metallic tang of blood.
She fiddled with her pump, and he knew she was giving herself insulin. The words How high? beat a tattoo over and over in his head.
She looked up from the pump screen, her chin tilted high. “It’s killing you, isn’t it?”
He shoved his hands in his pockets and tried to look casual. “What?”
“Not knowing what my blood sugar is.”
“No, not at all.” But the statement he’d hoped would come out laid-back and calm sounded jerky and fake. He wanted to fix it. Wanted to fix everything. “Millie, I love you.”
He blurted out the words, clumsy and loud, and a few people glanced around at them. When there wasn’t a squeal of delight from Millie, they looked away, their embarrassment for him unmistakable.
Millie’s hands had stilled on her tote bag, and her pupils were so large they almost obliterated her fascinating irises. She stared at him for a moment, and then she snapped out of her trance. “After what you said to me last week, I don’t believe you.”
That response hadn’t featured in the scenario he’d played out in his head on the drive over from Bear Paw. He had to make her understand. “Millie, can we please go somewhere private and talk?”
She tossed her tote bag over her shoulder. “I’ve listened to you once already, Will, and it wasn’t pleasant. Forgive me if I don’t put myself out there again for a repeat performance.”
Desperation clawed at him, and he touched her on the arm, not wanting her to leave. “Mils,” he said automatically, using his nickname for her. “Please.”
“Is this dude bothering you, Millie?” another instructor asked. “Because if he is, I can call security.”
Will opened his mouth to object but quickly closed it, because getting thrown off the property wasn’t going to help his cause. Or his visa status.
Only Millie wasn’t objecting to the suggestion. In fact, she looked like she was seriously considering the security offer.
Will had never begged a woman for anything in his life, but he was doing it now. “Five minutes, Millie, please.” Her gaze flickered away from him, and he held his breath.
“Thanks, Ted, but I’m fine.”
“If you say so, but don’t feel you can’t change your mind.” The guy pointed his fore and middle fingers at Will’s eyes before pointing them back at his own and walked away.
Will breathed out on a long sigh. “Thank you.”
Her eyes flashed. “The only reason I said no was because it would hurt your reputation as a physician.”
Her words punched him. “Millie, I get that you’re angry with me.”
Her curls bounced wildly. “You have no idea.”
He opened his hands out in front of her, seeking her forgiveness. “I know I hurt you and I’m sorry. So desperately sorry. You were totally right; I was scared. I’m still scared.”
She frowned at him, her brow creasing up the way it did when she was thinking hard. “Let me get this straight. You just made a three-hour journey to tell me that you love me, but you’re still scared.”
“That’s right.” He smiled at her, his relief palpable that she finally understood.
“So really, nothing’s changed.” She crossed her arms over her chest as if she was warding him off. “It’s a hell of a declaration, Will.”
“That’s not what I meant.” Misery vaporized his short-lived relief and then rose up in his throat, ready to suffocate him.
“What do you mean, then?”
The tangle of everything that was his life tightened. “It’s hard to explain.”
Her hands slapped her hips. “Try me.”
But there was nothing soft or forgiving about her request or her stance. If he wanted her in his life, he had to pull the scab off the wound that had cut deep into his heart the day Charlie had died, and then he had to shove his fist down deep into it. He had to bleed and plead and hope like hell that she’d understand and forgive him, because the alternative didn’t bear thinking about.
“The last two years since I lost Charlie have been rough.” He plowed his hand through his hair. “Scratch that. Rough doesn’t even come close. They’ve been the toughest two years of my life. I dated women I knew didn’t want anything more from me other than having some fun because I didn’t want an emotional connection with anyone. I watched people being happy, and I didn’t ever wonder if I could feel like that again, because I knew I never could. If I’m honest, I didn’t want to, because it felt disloyal to Charlie.”
