Unbelievable

by Lori Foster

  And he said, “Knock, knock? Brandi, are you in there? How many times do I have to say this?”

  She heard the amused exasperation in his words and peeked up at him.

  “This is your vacation, honey. Yes, I’d like to know you better, to understand you, just like I want you to know me better. But I don’t want you to feel pressured. You don’t owe me anything, especially not explanations. But if you feel up to sharing, if you want to talk, I very much want to listen. Understand?”

  Pressing her cheek back to his warm chest, she nodded. The feel of his chest hair was crisp and curly and it tickled her nose. Trying to be inconspicuous, she breathed deep of his wonderful, hot male scent, and almost shivered with the pleasure of it. She could gladly spend the rest of the night just sitting here enjoying the touch and smell of him. She felt relaxed enough to doze off; for once, the nightmare had quickly faded from her mind. But despite what he’d said, there were explanations to give.

  Sebastian continued to stroke her, adding to her languor. “You haven’t acted ridiculously, Brandi. Granted, I haven’t understood everything that’s happened, but I never thought you were ridiculous. Don’t use that word again.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  He gave her a chiding squeeze for her smart mouth, then kissed the top of her head, her temple.

  Brandi knew he was waiting, that he wouldn’t pressure her. Without thought, she twined her fingers in his chest hair and pressed her nose a little closer while she searched her mind for the right words.

  “Brandi?”

  “When I was eighteen, I was raped.”

  It felt as though the world stopped. She probably shouldn’t have just blurted it out like that, but how else did you tell such a thing? Sebastian didn’t breathe, didn’t move. Even the solid, comforting beat of his heart seemed to pause. She was used to that reaction, had felt it with her parents and her sister, Shay. Silent shock, disbelief. A mental distancing, because the truth was ugly and real and people didn’t want to share that reality. It left them floundering for the right words, made them uncomfortable.

  A familiar lump formed in her throat and she started to shake, but suddenly Sebastian had a hand buried in her hair and it seemed he held her even closer without really moving. His head came down so that his cheek pressed into hers and it seemed as if he were surrounding her, protecting her, as if he could give her his strength.

  Brandi drew a shuddering breath. “I know you don’t want to hear the details….”

  “Yes, I do.” His voice was hoarse, and when she leaned back to look at him, his expression was stark. One big, hot hand cupped her cheek, his rough thumb smoothing over her cheekbone. “It’s bothering you tonight or you wouldn’t have had the dream. That is what the dream was about, wasn’t it?”

  With a tiny nod, she whispered, “I used to have the nightmare all the time, whenever I went to sleep. But over the years, it’s gotten better. Now, I hardly ever have it. But I guess with what happened today…”

  Sebastian drew a long breath. He lowered his head until their brows touched. His dark lashes swept down to hide his eyes and in a rough whisper, he said, “You mean what I did in the Jacuzzi?”

  “No! Well, that is, I didn’t like what happened tonight, but the dream was brought on because of those men when we were shopping, not because you rejected me.”

  His head snapped back up. The light of the television reflected on his face, in his eyes. They were wide-open now and boring into her. “Rejected you? Is that what you think happened?”

  She should have been embarrassed, but his incredulous look kept her from feeling anything but defensive. “I know you asked me to touch you. And I would have. I wanted to. But when I took so long, fumbling around and acting like a schoolgirl, you changed your mind.”

  “God, no.” He kissed her forehead, her nose, quick kisses of apology. “No, I just… Brandi, I think there’s a lot of things I didn’t understand, but none of it was your fault. Hell, I’m supposed to be trained to pick up on stuff. But I’ve been a typical male idiot, ruled by my hormones and little else.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  His grin was self-derisive. “I thought you were playing a game.”

  Her eyes searched his. “A game?”

  After a big sigh that expanded his chest and drew her attention there again, he said, “We’ve got a lot of talking to do, I think. Would you like some coffee or hot chocolate?”

  She considered that, then shook her head. “I like sitting here. I like…seeing you like this.” To explain, she smoothed a hand over his firm broad chest, up his hard muscled shoulders, then to his rough jaw, enjoying the rasping feel of his whiskers on her fingertips.

  His eyes closed and he gave her a lopsided grin. “You can stay here all night, okay?” So saying, he sat back on the couch and cuddled her close again. After a second, he laughed, but the sound wasn’t one of amusement.

  “Brandi, I have to tell you what I thought, so we can clear the air. I don’t know any tactful or gentle way to put it, so consider this my apology up front, all right?”

  She braced herself for a rejection and nodded. After all, what man wanted a woman who’d been through what she had, who’d been permanently affected by the ordeal? It had taken her years, but she’d gotten her life back in order—all except for the intimacy. And she didn’t know if she’d ever be the same as other women in that regard.

  With his eyes closed, his head resting back against the couch, Sebastian looked utterly relaxed. “I hope I don’t embarrass you, but today in the Jacuzzi, if I’d let you touch me, I’d have come.”

  Brandi swallowed hard, but thankfully Sebastian still didn’t look at her. He shrugged his big shoulders and went on, as if he hadn’t just said something so incredibly personal and sexually intimate.

  “I didn’t want to do that. Not unless and until I was inside you, where I’ve wanted to be almost since I first set eyes on you.” He rolled his head toward her and lazily opened his eyes. “What happened tonight wasn’t a rejection, it was self-preservation. You were killing me, being so sweet and seductive and so damn sexy. I can’t even look at you without getting hard. By now, I’ve been hard so long it wouldn’t take much to set me off.”

  He waited for her reaction, his gaze warm and patient. Feelings swamped her—excitement, anticipation…pride. Sebastian, the most gorgeous, incredible man she’d ever known, wanted her. And then reality and remorse hit her at once. She wanted to look away, to shield herself, but that would be cowardly. So she faced him and gave a small, regretful shake of her head.

  “I’m sorry. I don’t think I can…. I want to. I love kissing you and touching you. I haven’t done that, not with any man, since the rape. The fear…” She stopped to draw a shuddering breath, to compose herself and finish what she was trying to tell him. He deserved to know everything. “It comes out of nowhere, when I don’t expect it. I get these panicky feelings. I try to push them back, but I can’t.”

  A gentle smile tipped up the corners of his mouth. “Except maybe when you’re in complete control? Like when you kissed me by the fire?”

  “Yes. I wasn’t afraid then. You said I could call the shots and I trusted you to stick to the deal. When I told you not to move, you didn’t. If you had grabbed me, or even held me like this, I might have panicked.”

  “It doesn’t bother you now that I’m holding you?”

  “No. We’re not kissing. You don’t look the same now as you did then.”

  “You mean aroused?”

  She nodded, feeling shy in spite of all that they’d discussed. “You have this look, like you did in the Jacuzzi, as if you want to devour me.”

  “A damn good description.” He lifted his hand to her cheek again and Brandi noticed that he trembled. She enjoyed the way he kept touching her, so gently, so carefully. And how he’d pressed those soft kisses to her face, not sexual kisses, just…touching. As if he couldn’t help himself.

  He sat up an
d cupped her face fully in both palms. “I want you to know, not just for this vacation, not just for the five days, but for as long as you know me, as long as you need to, you’ll always call the shots. I couldn’t stand it if I made you uneasy. If I do anything, say anything, just tell me. You can be honest with me. But I don’t want to have to worry that I’m screwing up and don’t know it.”

  She nodded again, unable to believe what she was hearing. “Does that mean you want to keep on…”

  “Kissing you? Touching you? Damn right.”

  “You’re not…disgusted? That I was raped, I mean. Or that I’m still carrying my fears.”

  “God, no.” He hugged her tight. “Brandi, I won’t lie and say I don’t wish I could find the bastard who hurt you. I’d gladly kill him with my bare hands. But you’re not responsible for what he did. And your reservations now seem perfectly normal to me.”

  “Do you…do you really want to hear about it?”

  Still holding her, he said, “I want to know everything about you. What makes you smile, what makes you cry. What makes you happy, what makes you sad. I want to know your dreams and your nightmares, because it’s all part of who you are.”

  She licked her lips, trying to decide where to begin. Borrowing his tactic, she closed her eyes and just said the truth. “There were three men, not one.”

  “God.” His entire body trembled, then tightened around her.

  She heard him swallow, felt his deep breaths. But he didn’t say anything else, and she had no clue as to how he felt at that moment, how he might actually react to her very ugly truths. She breathed evenly, calming her mind, calming her heart. Then decided, why not? Perhaps learning it all would repulse him, but then at least she’d know, and it would be over with. Somehow, from the beginning, Sebastian had been able to reach inside her to draw out emotions and feelings she hadn’t known still existed. If he was going to take those feelings away, it would be easier now than later.

  She pasted on a false smile, but she couldn’t quite bring herself to look at him. She would hurry through this, get it over with, then accept the consequences.

  “My family and I were aboard a cruise ship in the Caribbean—the last vacation I’ve taken until now. It was supposed to be fun. I was feeling very grown-up—I’d just turned eighteen—almost a woman, so I flirted. With the wrong men. It was exciting, at least until I started to get tired. I left my parents and Shay at a party on the upper deck and went back to our stateroom. I didn’t know it then, but the men had followed me. And because I thought Shay would be the only one coming in, I hadn’t checked the door. One of my shoes was in the way and it hadn’t closed tight. The men didn’t even have to knock.”

  It was getting harder and harder, and it had been so long since she’d rehashed the details. Her chest hurt and her throat felt ready to close. She became aware that Sebastian was stroking her again. She felt his strength and, at the moment, she needed it.

  Everything was blurred and she realized that in spite of her resolve, tears had welled in her eyes.

  “I yelled and yelled, but they’d slipped in while I was asleep, and I didn’t wake up until the door was closed tight behind them. No one heard me screaming. And they were already on me. They…they called me names. And they slapped me, because I wouldn’t stop crying and screaming.”

  Sebastian lifted her hand to his mouth and held it there against his parted lips. She could feel his teeth, the quickness of his breath. He remained silent, though, and she waited. Waited for questions, for suspicions. There were none.

  “No one knew what had happened till the next day. Shay and I were sharing the cabin, but when she came in, I couldn’t quite bring myself to tell her about it. I should have. It was so stupid of me to just lie there. But I felt numb, almost dead. And so ashamed and dirty and embarrassed. It felt easier to pretend it hadn’t happened. Shay assumed I was sleeping. And very early the next day, when we stopped in a port, the men got off. I never saw them again.”

  Sebastian tapped her knuckles against his mouth, his grip on her hand almost bruising. When at last she looked at him, his eyes were closed, his head bent slightly forward. The muscles in his neck and shoulders were taut, straining. His nostrils flared with every breath he took. But he held still, her hand wrapped securely in his. Her body was bathed in his warmth as he cradled her close on his lap.

  It wasn’t quite as hard talking to him about it as she’d thought it would be, and she realized with a start that having Sebastian holding her had made all the difference. It wasn’t like explaining to the authorities, who had bombarded her with questions while they paced around the room. Or the therapist, who sat there in her chair, looking so cold and detached, despite her sympathetic expression, waiting for Brandi to give away an emotional revelation so she could dissect it and find a cure. Even her parents and Shay hadn’t been able to just listen. Always they came up with unnecessary apologies and guilt. They’d look at each other, their expressions wounded. She’d always ended up feeling guilty for making them so unhappy.

  “At first, my parents were kind of shocked, then so angry. Not at me, but they didn’t understand why I hadn’t told them what happened. They wanted the men really bad. Thinking back on it, I’ve decided it was the only reaction they could have had. They made demands of the captain, who asked around and found out I’d been flirting with the men. He didn’t accuse me, but he told my parents that I had to learn to be more careful, that you couldn’t trust anyone anymore. And he was right. I shouldn’t have flirted with strangers. And I should have spoken up right away—but at the time, I just…couldn’t. Besides, we were in international waters, there was nothing anyone could do.”

  “Brandi.”

  There was a wealth of tenderness in the way he spoke her name, but his jaw was rigid, his eyes cold and hard. He looked the same as her parents had—distraught, disgusted. She tried to pull her hand free, but he again pressed it to his mouth, leaving the touch of a hot kiss on her wrist.

  Feeling as if she might crumple up and fall away, she asked with a touch of sheltering sarcasm, “Are you happy now that you know it all?”

  He wiped a lingering tear from her cheek. “I’m glad you told me, yes. But I’m not happy. I’m probably the most miserable bastard alive.”

  “Because you’re stuck on this vacation with me? No one says we have to spend the time together.”

  “Oh, Brandi.” He shook his head at her in a chiding way. “That’s not what I meant.”

  “No?” Her whole body trembling, she pulled her hand free to wrap her arms around her middle. It was an old habit, one she’d broken herself of, but she fell back on it instinctively. In this situation it was ludicrous, given she was sitting on Sebastian’s firm lap. Suddenly she felt cold from the inside out. “I made all the wrong choices, one mistake after another. You must think I’m an idiot.”

  He ran a hand over her hair, then down her back, moving her just a tiny bit closer to his bare chest. His look was tender and direct and filled with emotion. “The truth, remember?”

  She said, “Of course,” even though she didn’t know if she could bear the truth.

  His eyes were sad, but he gave her a small, sweet smile. “What I think is, you’re the most incredible woman I’ve ever met.”

  CHAPTER SIX

  EMBARRASSED BY THE ridiculous compliment, Brandi snorted and said, “You must be awfully easy to impress.”

  He chuckled. “Actually, no. I’m damn hard to get around, and because of my background, I’m too critical of other people. But after all you’ve been through, you’re still sweet and gentle, not bitter. I think that constitutes a small miracle.”

  “I may not be bitter, but I’ll never be a normal woman again, either.”

  Sebastian pretended to study her face. “You look fine to me.” Then he kissed her cheek, letting his lips linger. “You taste even better. And no ‘normal’ woman ever pushed my buttons the way you do. If you’re not normal, I can only be grateful, because I think
you’re perfect just the way you are.”

  She couldn’t repress her smile of relief, even though she knew his words were nonsense. “You know what I meant.”

  Sobering, he said, “Yeah, I do. But it’s not true, baby. You’re a little more reserved, but you have all the same needs, all the same desires as any other woman.” Then he grinned. “You just needed the right man to volunteer his body for your inquisitive mind.”

  A few remnants of tears were still in her eyes and she wiped them away. He gave her that tender smile again that made her want to stay with him forever.

  But there was so much still in the way. “Sebastian, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to make love. Just the thought of…” Her voice trailed away. It was more than difficult trying to say such things, trying to express her problem.

  “Hey, no blushing now.” His voice was low, whispered against her cheek. “You can tell me anything, honey. There’s no one here but us.”

  The night was quiet. Without her realizing it, the television had gone blank, leaving only a dull glow coming from the screen and a soft hum in the air. Her position on Sebastian’s lap put her as close to him as she could get. All around her was his scent, his warmth, his concern and his tenderness. He wore only his jeans; his long legs were stretched out in front of him, and his large feet were bare. A dark, appealing shadow of whiskers covered his lean cheeks and sharp jaw. His eyes were slumberous, his dark shiny hair tousled.

  To Brandi, he felt safe and sexy and somehow a part of her. She swallowed, then decided to take advantage of the moment. Another one like it might never come again, and she did have so many questions, so many things she’d like to talk to him about. Sebastian was available and willing and she trusted him, even more than she trusted herself sometimes.

  “The thought of a man getting on top of me makes me ill. I…I break out in a cold sweat.”

  He rubbed his chin on the crown of her head and replied simply, without inflection. “There are other positions, you know.”

  “But a man is so much stronger. He could always switch positions. And Shay told me once that a man who’s really excited doesn’t always know what he’s doing.”