This I Promise You

by Tressa Messenger

  “Jeremy, swim!” she yelled at him. “Dammit, go!”

  He blinked, breaking his eye contact with her and began to swim with everything he had, until he was safely on shore, just in time to watch her go under. It’s a day that would haunt him forever. Nicky had brought new meaning to his life. He hadn’t forgotten Tonya, but he felt like he was finally equipped to feel happy again. But after she left, the loss came back. This time it wasn’t just the loss of his sister, it was also the loss of the one person who allowed him to feel again. Although Nicky didn’t die like Tonya did, her absence was paralyzing nonetheless. He opened the closet door again and retrieved his bottle for one last pull to clear those painful thoughts out of his mind. Once he was satisfied, he half stumbled back to his bed and sat down. He looked to his side, picked the letter back up and quickly tore it open. With blurred vision he read what she wrote. Just like he thought, it wasn’t good news. She wasn’t coming. He grunted and tossed the letter on the bed and went back to his closet. He retrieved the bottle once again, but instead of unscrewing the cap this time, he walked over to his window and opened it wide. He braced himself against the frame and one leg at a time he jumped down onto the warm sand. With his bottle grasped tightly in his hand, he kicked off his shoes and walked through the heavy sand toward the pier. Once at the pier, he sat down under its cool shade and brought his knees up to his chest and just stared out at the water. The weather was nearly perfect in April; not scorching hot, but not cold either. This was their spot. But today, it was his. He turned the bottle up, emptying the harsh fiery liquid into his mouth. He tossed the empty bottle aside, stood up, and stumbled toward the water. He walked through the rolling waves until he was almost knee deep in the frigid water. Even though the weather was nice, the ocean was still too cold in April for people to swim, but he was too numb to feel it. He smiled and kept walking until his chest was nearly submerged.

  “Hey!” someone yelled from not too far away, but Jeremy didn’t stop nor acknowledge him. “Hey! What the hell are you doing, kid?” the guy asked and hastily jumped in the water, and within seconds began to splash water on the back of Jeremy’s neck and head as he made his way toward him. The man wrapped an arm around Jeremy’s chest and began to drag him toward the shore. Once in shallow water, the man dragged Jeremy by both arms onto the sand. “Are you all right?” the man asked. “What the hell do you think you were doing?”

  Jeremy blinked in the sunlight and looked around, feeling the impact of the vodka mixed with salty ocean water. He rolled onto his side and began to violently vomit all the liquid he had consumed.

  “Damn, kid,” the man said, exasperated, staring down at him in shock.

  Jeremy waved his hand at the man. “I’m fine. Thanks for the help,” he said, gasping for air.

  The man ran a hand through his wet hair, looking between Jeremy and the ocean. “You don’t look fine, kid.”

  Jeremy took a deep breath and slowly got to his feet. “See? Fine,” Jeremy said, then walked away, leaving the man staring after him cold and confused.

  By the time Jeremy got home, he was nearly sober and freezing half to death. He climbed back in through his bedroom window and immediately stripped out of his cold wet clothes, then jumped into his bed, wrapping his comforter tightly around his head. He lay there as still as he could, trying to warm up. His teeth chattered and his body shook with fierce chills. All he wanted to do was close his eyes and not wake up. The thought scared him and thrilled him all at once. He didn’t want to die, but he didn’t want to feel anymore, not the pain, not the guilt, and definitely not the loneliness. Slowly his eyes closed and his breathing became heavier as he slipped into a deep slumber.

  ***

  Jeremy cracked his eyes open, just barely, and squinted into the bright sunlight streaming in from his open window. He brought his hand up and rubbed his face, feeling as if an elephant was sitting on it. He sat up slowly, grabbing his pounding head as he did.

  “What the heck happened last night?” he asked himself, putting his throbbing face in his hands to ease the spinning. He looked up and turned to see the time on the clock, and his eyes grew wide as the red numbers stared back at him. “3:30! Holy crap, that can’t be right.” He threw his blanket off, exposing his nude body lying in a sandy bed, and then quickly pulled it back to shield himself from any peepers who may be on the beach. With his blanket securely around him he quickly got out of bed and pulled on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt that were lying on the floor. He walked barefoot through the kitchen, half expecting to see his mom, but she wasn’t there. He continued on to the living room and found both his mom and dad sitting on the couch, speaking in hushed tones. Jeremy ran a hand through his messy, salty hair, feeling awkward, as if he were interrupting something important. He quietly turned around and slowly began to back away.

  “Oh good, you’re up, Jeremy,” his dad said.

  Jeremy stopped in his tracks at the sound of his dad’s voice and turned around to face him.

  “Come, have a seat, son. Your mother and I want to speak to you.”

  Jeremy shuffled from one foot to the other before doing as he was told. He sat down on the old wingback chair, feeling just as uncomfortable under their stare as he did in the stiff old chair. “What’s up, Dad?”

  “What’s going on, son?”

  Jeremy looked at his Dad confused. “What do you mean?”

  “I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve slept all day. Your mother told me you went to your bedroom after school yesterday and haven’t come out until just now.”

  Jeremy looked from his dad to his mom, who was staring back at him, her face full of concern. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly and slumped back in the uncomfortable chair. “I was upset is all.”

  “About what?” his mom asked.

  “The letter,” he mumbled, looking down and fidgeting with the arm of the chair.

  “What letter?” his father asked.

  His mother sat up straighter, remembering the letter she gave to him yesterday from Nicole and her heart leaped. “What about it? I thought Nicole was coming to town this weekend.”

  Jeremy slowly looked up and met her eyes sadly. “She was, but now she can’t.”

  Mrs. Hayes stared at him speechlessly as she studied him, he knew it was easy to notice how red and swollen his eyes were from barricading himself in his room where tears and alcohol ran freely. His parents didn’t need to know about that though. ? Obviously frightened by a possible relapse, she stood up and walked up to him. “Is there anything I can do?”

  He looked away, speechless, fighting back tears that were threatening to fall.

  “Will someone tell me what the Sam Hell is going on?” Mr. Hayes demanded, but they ignored him.

  Mrs. Hayes tuned out her husband’s voice, her heart pounded rapidly in her chest as she stared at Jeremy. Suddenly she grabbed his hands and pulled him up to stand in front of her and wrapped her arms around him. She squeezed him tightly, feeling him resist under her grasp, but she kept holding until finally he loosened up and wrapped his arms around her in return. He hugged her back as the dam that held his tears finally broke.

  “I miss her so much,” he moaned into her shoulder.

  “I know you do,” his mom said back, smoothing his hair down like she did when he was a kid. “Do you want to go see her?” she whispered in his ear.

  He pulled away from her, nodding his head. He wiped his wet eyes with his hands.

  “Well, then go take a shower. You don’t want to see her after all this time smelling like that.”

  Smiling, he hugged her again and quickly ran back to his bedroom to gather up some clean clothes.

  Eleven

  Amber and I got ready for the party at Candy’s house at seven o’clock, which was weird since I never got ready to go out somewhere that late before. My parents weren’t thrilled about us going to a party, my first party as far as they were concerned, but I begged and swore for an hour straight. My dad was
too busy with his new case to argue back and I made my mom feel guilty for not going to the beach like she’d promised. Exasperated, they both finally gave in with a curfew of ten o’clock. An hour later, made up and ready to go, we got out of Candy’s mom’s car and stood in front of Cole Lee’s house in one of the nicest areas in Raleigh. I pried my eyes off the massive Victorian style house and looked over at Candy. As usual, she and I had on almost identical outfits, and again as usual, hers fit her curves better than mine did. Candy’s black leather skirt seemed so short, though. Hopefully she won’t have to bend over for anything because if she does we’ll get to see a second full moon tonight. I chuckled to myself at the thought, then I looked down at my own mini skirt, wondering if mine appeared the same way.

  “Are we ready?” Candy asked Amber and me with a mischievous smile.

  I took a deep breath and smoothed down my white baby doll t-shirt and fixed my long beaded necklace so it was sitting just right in the middle of my chest and the clasp was hidden behind my long blonde hair. When I was satisfied I was just right, I nodded my head.

  “Yay!” Amber squealed, jumping up and down. Candy and I stared at her with wide eyes and open mouths. We’ve known Amber for a long time, so I don’t know why we were suddenly embarrassed or surprised by her enthusiastic outburst.

  As soon as we entered Cole’s house, the sound of music and youthful laughter surrounded us from all sides. There were so many kids there, kids I’ve known most of my life, but whom I’ve never interacted outside of school before.

  “Oh, my gawd! There he is,” Candy whispered in my ear.

  I looked around to see who “he” was and spotted Cole making his way toward us. Instantly I was nervous, but I didn’t know why. I’d had a crush on this boy for so long, but in a million years, I never would have guessed he knew I was alive, even after all my subtle and sometimes not so subtle attempts through the years to show him I was. I wasn’t even invited to this party, not personally anyway, and I felt like an intruder under his gaze.

  “Hey, I’m glad ya’ll could make it,” Cole said to the three of us, smiling, then his gaze settled on me. “Nicky, right?”

  I nodded my head, waiting for him to kick me out.

  “Cool! I’m Cole. Have fun and make yourselves at home,” he said, making eye contact with all three of us.

  “Thanks! We’ll do that,” Candy said in return.

  “Maybe I’ll find you later,” he said directly at me.

  The breath caught in my throat and I nodded my head again.

  As soon as he walked away, Candy’s “play it cool” persona broke and she turned to me like a giddy school girl. “Oh, my gawd! I told you he’s been checking you out.”

  “He knows my name,” I said, staring at her, star-struck for a minute before reality hit. “I have a boyfriend though,” I said, my wide smile turning into a frown.

  “Yeah well, he isn’t here now, is he?”

  I looked around the room then shook my head.

  “Come on, let’s go get a drink,” Candy said and we followed her into the kitchen.

  I poured myself a cup of punch from a huge crystal bowl and put the cup to my lips. As soon as the liquid hit my taste buds, I pulled it away quickly and held my mouth, “What is this?” I asked in disgust.

  “It’s punch,” Amber responded as if it were obvious.

  “Yeah, but something’s wrong with it.”

  Amber and Candy looked at me curiously then took a sip from their own cups.

  “Nice, it’s spiked,” Candy said.

  I looked from her down into the red liquid. “Oh.”

  “Hey, you want to dance?” Candy asked us.

  I shook my head while Amber eagerly said yes. They bounded toward the middle of the living room where other kids were dancing, leaving me alone by the spiked punch bowl. Feeling anxious, I put the cup to my lips and drank the rest of the punch in one gulp. I turned to put the cup on the counter and when I turned back around to watch my friends, I came face to face with Cole’s intent brown eyes. I gasped and jerked back in surprise.

  “Oh, I’m sorry,” Cole said, holding up his hands to me. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

  I took a step back to steady myself against the counter. “It’s all right. You just took me by surprise.”

  He came closer. He reached his hand out and rested it on top of my hand that was gripping the side of the counter. “Are you all right?”

  I looked down at his hand and quickly jerked my hand away.

  “My bad,” he said, holding both hands up in surrender, sounding annoyed.

  I froze. What was I doing acting like such a fool? I waved my hand at him and gave him a forced smile. “It’s cool.”

  It’s cool? You’re such a moron! I thought.

  “Cool. You want to dance?” he asked, smiling again. He reached his hand out to me and I reluctantly put my hand in his. He led me to the dance floor and stopped close to where Candy and Amber were dancing. As soon as they saw us, they both gave me big cheesy smiles and a mental high-five. I turned away from them, embarrassed. Cole put his hand on my lower back and began to dance to the fast paced music, the more he moved, the closer he got, which left me feeling uncomfortable. I started to think about how it was when Jeremy and I danced. It was a lot different from whatever it was Cole was doing. Jeremy took his time with me. He slowly guided me and made me feel safe and relaxed. I didn’t have a lot of experience dancing with boys, Jeremy being my first, but I preferred Jeremy’s way much better. Just then Cole’s hand slipped a little too low for my liking, inch by inch it got closer to my butt. I reached down and moved it back up to my back but he only moved it back down and pulled me even closer. His pelvis was pressed so hard against mine that I could feel his excitement. I squeezed my hands in the small gap in front of me to create some kind of space, but it didn’t feel like nearly enough. I don’t know what he was thinking because suddenly he looked at me, his eyes seeming unfocused and distant as if he were a completely different person. He closed the gap that I created and forced his lips on mine. I squirmed out of his assault and turned my head to the side, frantically looking around the room, feeling shocked and embarrassed, but no one seemed to notice, not even Candy and Amber, who at some point had left the living room and went back to the punch bowl for refills.

  Just as quickly as it began, it stopped. I couldn’t feel Cole’s hot alcohol-riddled breath on the side of my face anymore, or his hard pelvis digging into me. Even his intrusive arms were no longer around me. I turned my head to look and saw a face that I didn’t expect.

  “Jeremy?”

  Jeremy turned his fiery glare at me, his hand tightening around Cole’s throat.

  I rushed up to him and grabbed his arm. “Jeremy, what are you doing?”

  “I saw what he was doing to you,” he seethed, then turned from me to glare at Cole. “I saw him trying to force himself on you,” he spat out. Cole’s face had gone white and his bottom lip quivered.

  “Jeremy, please let him go. He didn’t know what he was doing. Look at him! He’s drunk,” I pleaded.

  Jeremy looked from Cole back to me and his grip loosened, allowing Cole to fall to the floor, gasping for air and sanity.

  Still holding Jeremy’s arm, I quickly ushered him outside, away from any of Cole’s friends who might want retribution. As soon as we were far enough away, I stopped and turned him around to face me.

  “Jeremy, what’s going on? Why are you here? How are you here?” I asked, looking around, delirious from what just happened.

  He flinched. He didn’t like the look on my face. He never wanted me to see him lose control. He looked down and shifted from one foot to another and mumbled. “I wanted to see you.”

  “I wanted to see you, too, but my dad had to work. I told you that.”

  “I know. I got your letter,” he said, finally looking up at me again. “I was beyond myself when I read it. I have been missing you so much. Two more months seemed too long.” His ey
es changed and he looked toward the house. “Is this what you do when I’m not around?”

  I sucked in a sharp breath as I stared at him, feeling a mixture of anger and guilt “No! This was the first time I’ve gone out all year. It’s not like you stay home every night.”

  He quickly turned from the house and looked at me, “I do! Sometimes I go to the Shack with Mary and Brandon, but other than that I sit by myself and think about you.” He began to pace in the small area and grasped his hair. “I hate this. I hate every minute of it.”

  “Do you think I love this?”

  “No, of course not,” he said, looking at me sadly.

  I took a deep breath to calm myself down before filling the gap between us. I reached out and put my hand softly on his arm. “If we’re going to make it, and I want to more than anything in this world, we’re going to have to start dealing with it.” I stared into his eyes, emotions burning in my throat at the sight of his pain. “Do you want this to work?”