The Gun Seller

by Hugh Laurie

  'So,' I said, 'you're going to sponsor a terrorist act, and let your little toy do its business on the nine o'clock news. I know all this. Rusty knows that I know all this.' I glanced at my watch, trying to make it look as if I had another arms dealer to see in ten minutes. But Murdah was not a man to be hurried, or slowed down.

  'That, in essence, is precisely what I intend to do,' he said.

  'And I come into this where, exactly? I mean, now that you've told me, what am I supposed to do with the information? Put it in my diary? Write a song about it? What?'

  Murdah looked at me for a moment, then took in a deep breath and pushed it out gently and carefully through his nose, as if he'd had lessons in how to breathe.

  'You, Mr Lang, are going to carry out this terrorist act for us.'

  Pause. Long pause. A feeling of horizontal vertigo. The walls of this massive room shooting inwards, then out again, making me feeling smaller, and punier, than I've ever felt.

  'Aha,' I said.

  Another pause. The smell of fishfingers was stronger than ever.

  'Do I have a say in this, by any chance?' I croaked. My throat was giving me trouble, for some reason. 'I mean, if I were to say, for example, fuck you and all your relatives, roughly what could I expect to happen, at today's prices?'

  It was Murdah's turn to do the glancing-at-the-watch bit. He seemed to have grown suddenly bored, and wasn't smiling at all any more.

  'That, Mr Lang, is not an option that I think you should waste any time considering.'

  I felt cooler air on my neck, and twisted round to see that Barnes and Lucas were standing by the door. Barnes looked relaxed. Lucas didn't. Murdah nodded, and the two Americans stepped forward, coming each side of the sofa to join him. Facing me. Murdah held out a hand, palm up, in front of Lucas, without looking at him.

  Lucas slid back the flap of his jacket and pulled out an automatic. A Steyr, I think. 9mm. Not that it matters. He placed the gun gently in Murdah's hand, then turned towards me, his eyes widened by the pressure of some message that I couldn't decipher.

  'Mr Lang,' said Murdah, 'you have the safety of two people to think about. Your own, of course, and Miss Woolf's. I don't know what value you place on your own safety, but I think it would be only gallant if you were to consider hers. And I want you to consider hers very deeply.' He beamed suddenly, as if the worst was over. 'But, of course, I don't expect you to do it without good reason.'

  As he spoke, he cocked the hammer, and lifted his chin towards me, the gun loose in his hand. Sweat spurted from the palms of my hands and my throat wouldn't work. I waited. Because that was all I could do.

  Murdah considered me for a moment. Then he reached out, pressed the muzzle of the gun to the side of Lucas's neck, and fired twice.

  It happened so fast, was so unexpected, was so absurd, that for a tenth of a second I wanted to laugh. There were three men standing there, then there was a bang bang, and then there were two. It was actually funny.

  I realised that I'd wet myself. Not much. But enough.

  I blinked once, and saw that Murdah had handed the gun to Barnes, who was signalling towards the door behind my head.

  'Why did he do that? Why would anyone do such a terrible thing?'

  It should have been my voice, but it wasn't. It was Murdah's. Soft and calm, utterly in control. 'It was a terrible thing, Mr Lang,' he said. 'Terrible. Terrible, because it had no reason. And we must always try and find a reason for death. Don't you agree?'

  I looked up at his face, but couldn't focus on it. It came and went, like his voice, which was in my ear and miles away at the same time.

  'Well, let us say that although he had no reason to die, I had a reason to kill him. That is better, I think. I killed him, Mr Lang, to show you one thing. And one thing only.' He paused. 'To show you that I could.'

  He looked down at Lucas's body, and I followed his gaze.

  It was a foul sight. The muzzle had been so close to the flesh that the expanding gases had chased the bullet in, swelling and blackening the wound horribly. I couldn't look at it for long.

  'Do you understand what I'm saying?'

  He was leaning forward, with his head on one side.

  'This man,' said Murdah, 'was an accredited American diplomat, an employee of the US State Department. He had, I'm sure, many friends, a wife, perhaps even children. So it would not be possible, surely, for such a man to disappear, just like that? To vanish?'

  Men were stooping in front of me, their jackets rustling as they strained to move Lucas's body. I forced myself to listen to Murdah.

  'I want you to see the truth, Mr Lang. And the truth is that if I wish him to disappear, then it is so. I shoot a man here, in my own house, I let him bleed on my own carpet, because it is my wish. And no one will stop me. No police, no secret agents, no friends of Mr Lucas's. And certainly not you. Do you hear me?'

  I looked up at him again, and saw his face more clearly. The dark eyes. The sheen. He straightened his tie.

  'Mr Lang,' he said, 'have I given you a reason to think about Miss Woolf's safety?'

  I nodded.

  They drove me back to London, pressed into the carpet of the Diplomat, and chucked me out somewhere south of the river.

  I went over Waterloo Bridge and along the Strand, stopping every now and then for no reason, occasionally dropping coins into the hands of eighteen-year-old beggars, and wanting this piece of reality to be a dream more than I've ever wanted any dream to become reality.

  Mike Lucas had told me to be careful. He'd taken a risk, telling me to be careful. I didn't know the man, and I hadn't asked him to take the risk for me, but he'd done it anyway because he was a decent professional who didn't like the places his work was taking him, and didn't want me to be taken there too.

  Bang bang.

  No going back. No stopping the world.

  I was feeling sorry for myself. Sorry for Mike Lucas, sorry for the beggars too, but very sorry indeed for myself, and that had to stop. I started to walk home.

  I no longer had any reason to worry about being at the flat, since all the people I'd had breathing down my neck over the last week were now breathing in my face. The chance to sleep in my own bed was just about the only good thing to come out of all this. So I strode out for Bayswater at a good pace, and as I walked, I tried to see the funny side.

  It wasn't easy, and I'm still not sure that I managed it properly, but it's just something I like to do when things aren't going well. Because what does it mean, to say that things aren't going well? Compared to what? You can say: compared to how things were going a couple of hours ago, or a couple of years ago. But that's not the point. If two cars are speeding towards a brick wall with no brakes, and one car hits the wall moments before the other, you can't spend those moments saying that the second car is much better off than the first.

  Death and disaster are at our shoulders every second of our lives, trying to get at us. Missing, a lot of the time. A lot of miles on the motorway without a front wheel blow-out. A lot of viruses that slither through our bodies without snagging. A lot of pianos that fall a minute after we've passed. Or a month, it makes no difference.

  So unless we're going to get down on our knees and give thanks every time disaster misses, it makes no sense to moan when it strikes. Us, or anyone else. Because we're not comparing it with anything.

  And anyway, we're all dead, or never born, and the whole thing really is a dream.

  There, you see. That's a funny side.

  Fourteen

  Thus freedom now so seldom wakes,

  The only throb she gives,

  Is when some heart indignant breaks,

  To show that still she lives.

  THOMAS MOORE

  There were two things parked in my street that I hadn't expected to see when I turned into it. One was my Kawasaki, bruised and bloodied, but otherwise in reasonable shape. The other was a bright red TVR.

  Ronnie was asleep at the wheel, with a coat pulled u
p to her nose. I opened the passenger door and slid in beside her.

  Her head came up and she squinted at me.

  'Evening,' I said.

  'Hello.' She blinked a few times and looked out at the street. 'God, what time is it? I'm freezing.'

  'Quarter to one. Do you want to come in?'

  She thought about it.

  'That's very forward of you, Thomas.'

  'Forward of me?' I said. 'Well, that depends, doesn't it?' I opened the door again.

  'On what?'

  'On whether you drove over here, or I rebuilt my street around your car.'

  She thought a bit more.

  'I'd kill for a cup of tea.'

  We sat in the kitchen, not saying much, just sipping tea and smoking. Ronnie's mind was on other things, and at an amateurish guess I'd say that she'd been crying. Either that or she'd attempted a fancy rag-rolling effect with her mascara. I offered her some Scotch but she wasn't interested, so I helped myself to the last four drops in the bottle and tried to make them last. I was trying to concentrate on her, to put Lucas and Barnes and Murdah out of my mind, because she was upset and she was in the room. The others weren't.

  'Thomas, can I ask you something?'

  'Course.'

  'Are you gay?'

  I mean, really. First ball of the over. You're supposed to talk about films and plays, and favourite ski runs. All that kind of thing.

  'No, Ronnie, I'm not gay,' I said. 'Are you?'

  'No.'

  She stared into her mug. But I'd used tea bags, so she wasn't going to find any answers there.

  'What's happened to what's his name?' I said, lighting a cigarette.

  'Philip. He's asleep. Or out somewhere. I don't really know. Don't much care, to be honest.'

  'Now, Ronnie. I think you're just saying that.'

  'No, really. I don't give a fuck about Philip.'

  There's always something strangely thrilling about hearing a well-spoken woman swear.

  'You've had a tiff,' I said.

  'We've split up.'

  'You've had a tiff, Ronnie.'

  'Can I sleep with you tonight?' she said.

  I blinked. And then, to make sure I hadn't just imagined it, I blinked again.

  'You want to sleep with me?' I said.

  'Yes.'

  'You don't just mean sleep at the same time as me, you mean in the same bed?'

  'Please.'

  'Ronnie ...'

  'I'll keep my clothes on if you like. Thomas, don't make me say please again. It's terribly bad for a woman's ego.'

  'It's terribly good for a man's.'

  'Oh shut up.' She hid her face in the mug. 'I've gone right off you now.'

  'Ha,' I said. 'It worked.'

  Eventually we got up and went into the bedroom.

  She did keep her clothes on, as it happens. So did I, as it also happens. We lay down side by side on the bed and stared at the ceiling for a while, and when I judged the while to be long enough, I reached out a hand and took hold of one of hers. It was warm and dry and a very nice thing to touch.

  'What are you thinking?'

  To be honest, I can't remember which one of us said this first. We both said it about fifty times before dawn.

  'Nothing.'

  We both said that a lot as well.

  Ronnie wasn't happy, that was the long and the short of it. I can't say that she poured out her life story to me. It came in odd chunks, with long gaps in between, like belonging to a discount book club, but by the time the lark came on to relieve the nightingale, I'd learned quite a bit.

  She was a middle child, which would probably make a lot of people go 'ah, well there you are, you see,' but I am too, and it's never bothered me that much. Her father worked in the City, grinding the faces of the poor, and the two brothers either side of her looked like they were headed in the same direction. Her mother had developed a passion for deep-sea fishing when Ronnie was in her teens, and since then had spent six months of every year indulging it in distant oceans while her father took mistresses. Ronnie didn't say where.

  'What are you thinking?' Her, this time.

  'Nothing.' Me.

  'Come on.'

  'I don't know. Just... thinking.'

  I stroked her hand a bit.

  'About Sarah?'

  I'd sort of known she was going to ask this. Even though I'd deliberately kept my second serves deep and not mentioned Philip again, so she wouldn't be able to come into the net.

  'Among other things. People, I mean.' I gave her hand a tiny squeeze. 'Let's face it, I hardly know the woman.'

  'She likes you.'

  I couldn't help laughing.

  'That seems astronomically unlikely. The first time we met she thought I was trying to kill her father, and the last time, she spent most of the evening wanting to give me a white feather for cowardice in the face of the enemy.'

  I thought it best to leave out the kissing thing, just for the moment.

  'What enemy?' said Ronnie.

  'It's a long story.'

  'You've got a nice voice.'

  I turned my head on the pillow and looked at her.

  'Ronnie, in this country, when someone says something's a long story, it's a polite way of saying they're not going to tell it to you.'

  I woke up. Which suggested the possibility that I'd fallen asleep, but I've no idea when that happened. All I could think was that the building was on fire.

  I leapt out of bed and ran to the kitchen, and found Ronnie burning some bacon in a frying-pan. Smoke from the cooker frolicked about in the shafts of sunlight coming through the window, and Radio 4 burbled away somewhere nearby. She'd helped herself to my only clean shirt, which annoyed me a little because I'd been saving it for something special, like my grandson's twenty-first - but she looked good in it, so I let it pass.

  'How d'you like your bacon?'

  'Crispy,' I lied, looking over her shoulder. Not much else I could say.

  'You can make some coffee if you like,' she said, and turned back to the frying-pan.

  'Coffee. Right.' I started to unscrew a jar of instant stuff, but Ronnie tutted and nodded towards the sideboard where the shopping fairy had visited in the night and left all manner of good things.

  I opened the fridge and saw someone else's life. Eggs, cheese, yoghurt, some steaks, milk, butter, two bottles of white wine. The sort of things I've never had in any fridge of mine in thirty-six years. I filled the kettle and switched it on.

  'You'll have to let me pay you for all this,' I said.

  'Oh, do grow up.' She tried cracking an egg one-handed on the edge of the pan and made a dog's breakfast of it. And I had no dog.

  'Shouldn't you be at the gallery?' I asked, as I spooned Melford's Dark Roasted Breakfast Blend into a jug. This was all very strange.

  'I rang. Told Terry my car was broken. Brakes had failed, and I didn't know how late I was going to be.'

  I thought about this for a while.

  'But if your brakes had failed, surely you ought to have got there early?'

  She laughed and slid a plate of black, white and yellow stuff in front of me. It looked unspeakable and tasted delicious.

  'Thank you, Thomas.'

  We were walking through Hyde Park, going nowhere in particular, holding hands for a bit, then letting go as if holding hands wasn't one of life's big deals. The sun had come up to town for the day and London looked grand.

  'Thank you for what?'

  Ronnie looked down at the ground and kicked at something that probably wasn't there.

  'For not trying to make love to me last night.'

  'You're welcome.'

  I really didn't know what she expected me to say, or even whether this was the beginning of a conversation or the end. 'Thank you for thanking me,' I added, which made it sound more like the end.

  'Oh, shut up.'

  'No, really,' I said. 'I appreciate it very much. I don't try and make love to millions of women every day, and never
get a squeak out of most of them. It makes a nice change.'

  We strolled on a bit. A pigeon flew towards us and then darted away at the last moment, as if he'd suddenly realised we weren't who he thought we were. A couple of horses trotted down Rotten Row, with tweed-jacketed men on their backs. Household Cavalry, probably. The horses looked quite intelligent.

  'Do you have anybody, Thomas?' said Ronnie. 'At the moment?'

  'You're talking about women, I would think.'

  'That's the ticket. Are you sleeping with any?'

  'By sleeping with, you mean ... ?'

  'Answer the question immediately, or I'll call a policeman.' She was smiling. Because of me. I'd made her smile, and it was a nice feeling.

  'No, Ronnie, I'm not sleeping with any women at the moment.'

  'Men?'

  'Or any men. Or any animals. Or any types of coniferous tree.'

  'Why not, if you don't mind me asking? And even if you do.'

  I sighed. I didn't really know the answer to this myself, but saying that wasn't going to get me off the hook. I started talking without any clear idea of what was going to come out.

  'Because sex causes more unhappiness than it gives pleasure,' I said. 'Because men and women want different things, and one of them always ends up being disappointed. Because I don't get asked much, and I hate asking. Because I'm not very good at it. Because I'm used to being on my own. Because I can't think of any more reasons.' I paused for breath.

  'All right,' said Ronnie. She turned and started walking backwards so she could get a good view of my face. 'Which of those is the real one?'

  'B,' I said, after a bit of thought. 'We want different things. Men want to have sex with a woman. Then they want to have sex with another woman. And then another. Then they want to eat cornflakes and sleep for a while, and then they want to have sex with another woman, and another, until they die. Women,' and I thought I'd better pick my words a little more carefully when describing a gender I didn't belong to, 'want a relationship. They may not get it, or they may sleep with a lot of men before they do get it, but ultimately that's what they want. That's the goal. Men don't have goals. Natural ones. So they invent them, and put them at either end of a football pitch. And then they invent football. Or they pick fights, or try and get rich, or start wars, or come up with any number of daft bloody things to make up for the fact that they have no real goals.'