Discovering April

by Sheena Hutchinson

  I try not to react. Placing my head against him, I slowly begin to cry.

  “April.” He lifts my head up to look at his tear-filled eyes. “I will always love you.”

  At that, I’m putty once again. I don’t know what it is with this man that can make my walls crumble like a dry sandcastle.

  All at once, his lips are on mine and I fall back into our old ways. All is forgotten as his arms tighten around me and draw me close to him. My legs wrap around him and the rest is history.

  WE ARE LYING ON THE couch for what feels like hours, watching a Law & Order marathon as we try and catch our breath for the second time. My head is resting on his chest when my eyes gravitate to his phone. It lights up, signaling a message or text. Funny, I didn’t hear his ringtone chime. I look closer and see the text from a ‘V.’

  Hey what are you doing tonight?

  None of his friend’s names start with the letter V and I have a feeling that it’s the boobalicious girl from the party.

  “Are you serious?” I yell, prying myself off of him. “Who the hell is V?” I grab the phone off the table and smash it against his face.

  “It’s a girl from school. We have a study group.”

  He’s good; I’ll give him that.

  “Hunter, the only things I’ve seen you study in the past five years are NBA games and my boobs!”

  “And I’m trying to get into a Masters Program, A! I need to up my game.”

  “You’re so full of shit! Get out!” I slip my dress over my head and throw his clothes at him. He stares at me, unbelieving, “I said get out!”

  “You’re so dramatic, April! You know, I can’t deal with this anymore!”

  “You can’t deal with it anymore?”

  “Yea! You flip out about everything,” he mutters, pulling on his pants.

  “GET THE HELL OUT, HUNTER!” I scream and Jinx goes running under the couch.

  He throws his shirt over his head and storms out of the house. Slamming the car door, I hear him start up the engine and zoom off down the street. I watch as his BMW zips around the corner. Fucking jerk.

  I watch as someone else pulls up seconds later. What’s so fascinating is that they stop in front of Jared’s house. Jared never has company. I sneak back into my house when I see Jared coming out from his backyard to greet them. Closing the door, I feel that curious cat inside me again and I run all the way upstairs to peer out my bedroom window.

  A few more cars show up and I watch as he greets them all with the biggest smile. They are all the guys from the construction site, minus the intern. One of the guys has a girlfriend, and I watch as Jared kisses her on the cheek in greeting like he knows her. Weird, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Jared dressed up to go out. When is he meeting these people?

  UGH. Why am I thinking about Jared? I have more important things to worry about in my own relationship. I’m about to climb to my feet when I watch Jared escort them all around the back of the house, a part I’ve never actually seen before. It’s covered with a high fence, overridden with ivy. Sometimes on a summer night I can see lights emanating from it, but I can’t tell if it’s a fire pit or man-made light. I don’t know why it intrigues me so. Maybe, because we used to be friends, Jared and I. It was a while back. I still remember the little ten year-old that moved in next door. I was curious then, too. I watched as he climbed out of the car with a box full of dinosaurs. He wiped his face as if he was crying before looking up at his new house. His parents were carrying boxes back and forth, but he sat there on the porch steps, just looking into his box of toys. I was never one to be very forward, but I felt bad. I ran out of my house and walked up the walkway and introduced myself. His frown quickly faded and he dropped his box long enough for me to introduce him to the rest of the kids on the street. The rest was history.

  We all played together every single day. I’m a year older than Jared, but that only meant we never had the same classes together. Teachers knew us, and if Jared was sick I took his homework home. If I was out, Jared brought me chicken noodle soup and my math homework. Even the time I climbed the tree in the middle school yard, slipped, and broke my arm— he still brought me chicken soup. He taught me how to use the long side of my foot to kick in kickball, how to rollerblade, ride a bike. It was always April & Jared. Until high school, when everything changed. We started drifting apart the summer of my freshman year. I started hanging out with my girlfriends and going on dates with boys. High school boys didn’t want to share their girlfriends with boys that are just friends. Just like that, we grew apart and the next thing I knew, his parents died.

  I’ll never forget it. We heard about the car accident, but I just couldn’t comprehend it all. I rang Jared’s doorbell numerous times, but he never answered. I remember screaming that I knew he was home, but still nothing. I looked for him at the funeral, but he never showed. I even tried bringing him his homework so he didn’t fall behind. That was before we got word that he dropped out. He never answered the door. I went back the next week with more homework, and this time I left a card. I don’t remember what I wrote exactly, just that I was here for him if he needed me. I guess he never did. I haven’t spoken to him since.

  I bring my attention back to the people in his yard. I think I’m actually jealous of them. These strangers came into his life after me, and yet he calls them friends. I thought that he just didn’t like people in general, but I see now that I was wrong. Maybe he just doesn’t like me. What did I do? I tried to be there for him, but he wouldn’t let me. I pick up one of the snow globes on my dresser and shake it. The gold flecks swirl around and filter back to the bottom. I have a little collection here; it started when I was younger and my dad brought me one with Cinderella back from a business trip he had taken. It has culminated into a whole dresser’s worth since then. They just comfort me slightly.

  “What do you think Jinx?” I ask, hearing his bell jingling as he hops onto my bed. He rolls on his back, making a strange sound somewhere between a meow and a gurgle. “You’re right—who cares!”

  I place the globe back on the dresser and hop onto the bed beside him, rubbing his stomach until he swats at me. I lay there staring up at the ceiling for a few seconds before I hear my phone chime. I turn to read an apology text from Hunter. Actually three. I sigh. I don’t know what it is about this guy that keeps me coming back when I know I can do better. I guess this is love.

  THE SUMMER ENDED AND with that, so did the love between us. The colder weather also followed with something else. We saw each other out of duty; it was no longer a need. ‘I love you’ turned into, ‘Yea I’ll see you later.’ ‘I’ll see you later’ turned into, ‘I’m busy I’ll call you in a few.’ We did nothing all summer. All my plans, all my ideas of taking a trip together – going hiking, fishing – were no match for Hunter’s summer frat parties. It got to the point where I just stopped going and picked up more hours at work instead.

  Truth is, I didn’t mind the space; it was the only time I thought clearly. But here I am in Hunter’s dorm room while he is tapping away on his computer, completing his first homework assignment of the semester as I lay on his tiny bed, watching T.V.

  “So what do you wanna do tonight?” I ask, my voice flat.

  He pauses his typing before looking in my direction. “I think we need to talk.” He sighs. It’s not a normal ‘we need to talk;’ it is a bad ‘we need to talk.’

  “About what?” I ask, sitting up from his bed.

  He looks down at his hands unable to meet my eyes as he continues. “This isn’t working. I think we both know.”

  “We both know what? Apparently, we both do NOT know!” I scream, starting to get up from the bed.

  “April, we’ve been fighting non-stop, we never have sex anymore, and we’re both miserable!” He spits the truth in my face and I know he’s right, but a part of me isn’t ready to give him up yet. There’s a huge part of me that just feels like we are in a slump, just waiting for things to get better.

/>   “No, we are just …”

  “No we aren’t… it’s time we face facts, April. We aren’t working anymore.”

  My heart drops. I think I might have just died; I can’t feel my heart anymore. Grasping for my chest, my mind goes blank. My vision blurs and my voice fades out of my throat in something between a sigh and the beginning formation of a word.

  “I’m sorry, but I don’t know what else to do.”

  Looking into his eyes, I don’t seem to know them anymore. They aren’t the green eyes I used to look into and tell ‘I love you.’ They are cold and foreign.

  I don’t even realize I’m walking until I hear my name being called behind me. I slowly turn to see I’ve made it out into the dorm hallway and Hunter is still standing in his doorway, watching me leave.

  “April, I… I’m sorry,” he whispers.

  That’s it? That’s all he has to say to me? I turn and walk away as people start to open their doors to see what all the commotion is about. I refuse to be their source of entertainment. I keep my head high and my face blank, as it takes everything I have to hold back the tears.

  I make it out of the dorm and walk down the main street that will take me the long way home. My mind is a blur as I pass landmarks and buildings I grew up looking at; now they just don’t seem to hold the same weight as before. I am numb through and through. As I pass Jack’s Coffee Bean, my mind barely registers the white sedan parked out front. The only thing my mind can focus on is: How did I let things get so bad? What could I have done to fix things? Maybe if I had just hung out with his dumb friends more… Maybe if I had made more of an effort, things would have worked out.

  My feet take me home automatically. I barely notice the throbbing pain in my toes until I reach my porch steps and collapse onto them. Only then do I allow the tears to fall. I almost make it inside before the sobs take over. I can’t believe it. I think maybe this is some kind of sick joke. This is just like one of our other break-ups; he’ll call me tomorrow and I’ll forget this ever happened. A part of me knows that’s not true. I’ve never seen that look in his eyes before. He had no love for me in there, none. I sob loudly one more time before I see a light go on in the house next door. I suddenly wipe my cheek and head inside. I refuse to let anyone see me like this, especially not Judgmental Jared over there! I run all the way up to my room and collapse on my bed, still fully clothed. I climb into bed and let the sobs rack through me. Jinx finds me and cuddles himself onto my pillow I pull him close to me and cry into his fur before passing out in a tortured sleep.

  SITTING IN THE GREEN CHAIR in the coffeehouse the next morning, I can’t help when my thoughts once again return to Hunter. He still hasn’t called. I couldn’t even get the energy to go to school today. How would I face him? How can I show him how upset he has made me? How can I face all the curious eyes? Instead, I called Jack and asked for more hours. He was more than happy to oblige; I think he’s working on something big in that office of his. To be honest, I needed to get out of the house. I needed to work to get my mind off of things.

  “April?”

  I turn to see Jack coming up the hallway from his office. His curly blonde ringlets bounce with every step.

  “Are you okay?” His blue green eyes explore my face like they can see into my soul. I doubt it took even that much effort; you can sense my change of attitude in one look.

  “Yea, just taking a little break.” I climb to my feet and brush off my apron before heading toward the counter.

  “He was a loser if he let you go. You know that, right?” Jack tells me, watching me walk around to the coffee machines.

  “I know. It’s just when you spend practically every moment with someone and then they disappear, you just don’t know how to act when you’re alone… That doesn’t make any sense, does it?” I mumble. Shaking my head, I pick up a washcloth and begin to wipe down the marble behind me.

  “I find that hard to believe, April. If you don’t know how to be yourself, then it doesn’t sound like that relationship was any good for you…”

  I turn around to eye him. It is surprisingly real advice coming from Jack, who needs his own help in relationships. He’s right; I lost a piece of myself with Hunter.

  I CLOSE THE FRONT door behind me after another double shift at work. I’m more than happy to have a Cup-O-Noodles and go to bed early. I quickly flick through the mail in my hands – bill, bill, bill, ooh, coupon! – before I throw the pile onto the kitchen table and head to the cabinet to feed Jinx.

  “Jinxy!” I call, opening the lid on the can.

  I spin around when I don’t hear his little bell dinging. He always seems to know when it’s time to eat, and if he’s not waiting for me, he’s running once he hears the can open.

  “Jinx?” I call, a little nervous.

  Still, I’m met with silence. I throw the cup on the table and anxiously start looking around: under the couch, upstairs under my bed; any furniture big enough to fit a cat underneath is thoroughly searched.

  “JINX!” I’m screaming his name repeatedly now. I scramble back down the stairs and into the living room before I see it. The window looking out onto the back porch is open. My heart sinks. NO! I whip open the back door.

  “JINX, JINX!” I call as loud as I can, hoping maybe he’s still around. The tears that have begun to form behind my eyes are now falling and I turn to lock eyes with none other than Jared, peeking out from his garage. I guess I was making a lot of noise but I feel it again, his eyes judging my nonsensical behavior.

  Instead of thinking about it, I stumble down the back steps and run up the driveway. Once I reach the street I turn, running up and down the street screaming, “JINX?” at the top of my lungs.

  I ran all the way to the park and back. I checked under every bush, screamed until my voice is a hoarse whisper, and I even tripped, ruining my khaki work pants. Not having anywhere else to go, I wander aimlessly back to my house, still trying to scream his name, but barely audible to anything other than a dog. Sulking back down the driveway, I collapse onto the back steps with my head in my hands and let myself sob. I don’t care who happens to be watching anymore. Jinx was all I had left. Now, I’m really all alone.

  I don’t know how long it takes me, but I eventually get up and stumble back into the house. It’s dark; I must have been out for hours. I close the back door and collapse into a chair. Staring at the open cat food in front of me that is making the entire kitchen smell of putrid salmon only starts a new set of tears. Am I so horrible to be around that everyone has to run away from me?

  My head is in my folded hands by the time my tears have dried and I’m staring blankly at the clock on the wall. Tick, Tick, Tick. They say a watched clock will never move… it’s not true. I watch it move, and it seems to glide by until I hear the doorbell ring. I sit up from my hands, almost not believing my ears until I hear it ring again. This time I finally get up, slowly increasing my pace as I reach for the doorknob. It’s Hunter, I know it. He’s going to tell me he’s sorry and he wants me back. He’s going to tell me he loves me and can’t seem to live without me. I wipe my cheek before swinging open the front door.

  What I find is absolutely nothing compared to what I was expecting. Jared is standing there on my front porch, and in his hands is my chubby grey tabby cat. I open the screen door and he extends his hands to give me my cat. I pull that stubborn cat into my arms and he rubs playfully against my neck.

  “Where did you—” I ask, losing my voice halfway through.

  “He was in my hedges,” is all he says before heading back down the steps and across the driveway to his yard.

  I stare after him before shrugging my shoulders. At least he’s back, I think, kissing Jinx’s head multiple times before closing and locking the door behind me. I then take the time to do a very thorough check of all the windows in the house. By the time I come back into the kitchen, Jinx has finished the can of cat food on the table and is looking at me for more.

  “I don’t
think so, pal!” I roll my eyes before climbing onto the living room couch and turning on the T.V. Jinx comes crawling into my lap, clawing at the blanket a few times before making himself comfortable on one of my legs. I have to admit, if I had to choose between Jinx and Hunter, I’m glad Jinx is the one that came back. He’s the only male that hasn’t disappointed me yet. I kiss him on the top of his little grey head twice more before flicking the channel.

  AFTER THE JINX SCARE, a few more days pass and I slowly get better. Baby steps worth of better; I still can’t see people holding hands or kissing in public, but I can get out of bed and go to school now. It isn’t the break up that bothers me; I think it is the losing a piece of me, losing a piece of my identity.

  For as long as I’ve known, we have been April and Hunter. Now, I am just April and it’s strange. Sitting in class, I almost don’t know how to act. Taking coffee orders at work, people must think I’m a zombie. My tips show it. I’m not the same. Jack has had to send me home a few times. I feel bad making him work a double shift, but what am I going to do? Cry into someone’s latte for the fifth time this week? I can tell I’m not doing him any good here. I fantasize about Hunter coming back to me. I picture him telling me he made a mistake, that he sees that now. Days have gone by and I haven’t even received a text, a Facebook message, tweet, or even an Instagram like since we broke up. He’s cut me out of his life completely, and that’s what kills me, that he could just drop me like that, like I’d been cut from the team.

  I’m walking to the cafeteria in between classes. I don’t know why—I barely eat anymore. I guess it’s just a chaotic place where I can’t hear my own thoughts. I round the corner of the library and I’m about to walk onto the pathway to the cafeteria when I see him. I almost miss him because I’m walking with my head down, but I catch a glimpse of him just in time. I suck in a breath and hide behind the corner of the brick library to watch. He’s hanging out with his group of friends on the bench outside, I see him grab that girl from the party, Big Boobs McVee. He grabs her porcelain-like wrist and pulls her into his arms as his nose falls into her perfect chestnut hair. Definitely not in a friendly manner. I see her face light up and she giggles as he wraps his arms around her and kisses her cheek. I don’t even realize I’ve dropped all the books in my hands until the entire group looks over in my direction. Now, my mother always taught me not to curse. She says cursing is for the ignorant that have no imagination to come up with something better, but sometimes there just isn’t a better word.