Discovering April

by Sheena Hutchinson

  She looks down as she takes his pulse. “You’re a smart girl, April.” When she’s done, she waits a few seconds before she asks, “Are you ready?”

  Still staring at his limp body, I nod.

  Before I scoot off the bed, I lean in to Jared’s ear. “Jared Hoffman, I love you. Do you hear me? I fucking love you. And you are a fighter! Don’t you dare fucking die on me! Don’t you dare fucking leave me!” I poke him in the chest before climbing off and twisting back into the wheel chair.

  The ride back to my room is silent. Tammie wheels me back and helps me into bed before she speaks. “They say—”

  “Save it Tammie,” I put my hand up to stop her. “What’s next? When am I going to be discharged?”

  “You have to go to physical therapy for your leg, hun.”

  “Can I do that here?”

  “Of course.”

  “Good. I’m not leaving him, Tammie.” My eyes search hers for understanding.

  “I had a feeling.” She smirks at me before rolling my covers up to my chest and flicking something on the IV. Slowly, my eyes droop and her face becomes a blur.

  THE NEXT DAY I think I’m alone in my room until I turn to face the blue eyes of none other than John Smith. I immediately snap my eyes shut, trying to pretend that I’m still asleep.

  “April?” Too late.

  “Officer Smith,” I respond, cold as ice.

  “We are back to you calling me by my rank, I see.” He’s standing there in uniform, leaning his back against the wall behind my IV machine.

  “As soon as you tricked me.” I turn my face away from him.

  “You were practically hysterical. I was trying to help you.”

  “My boyfriend has a gash the size of the Grand Canyon in his skull and you think I was being hysterical?!” My eyes twist and tear into him as I fantasize about punching him in the face.

  “I thought you guys just ate donuts?”

  “We did, back when I said it.”

  “And now…?”

  “Now, he is all that matters,” I respond, turning away from him.

  “I see.” He sighs and pushes off the wall he was leaning against. “I should go then.”

  “Maybe you should,” I mutter, barely audible. Keeping my head away from him, I hear his boots trace their way to the door and I hear it slide open.

  “April, I’m glad you are okay,” he says softly before I hear his boots wander back into the hall as the door clicks closed.

  I’M PRACTICALLY SWINGING down the hall with my crutches. Coming from physical therapy, I always feel cured. It’s a wonder, because I wanted to punch them the first time they laid hands on me, it hurt so bad. Now, they make me feel like I’m surpassing all their expectations. I wave to Tammie as I pass the nurses station, and she winks at me before barking orders to the other nurses.

  “Ms. Holloway is complaining about her dressings. Can someone please redo them?”

  I smirk. That’s my girl! I think as I continue swinging down the hallway on my crutches. I’ve memorized the way to Jared’s room. I think sometimes I sleepwalk here. I wake up with my hands smelling of his soap. I had someone bring it to me while I was here, just a little something from home. Jared’s home, to be exact. I wash his hands and face with it so he still smells like him. Placing my crutches against the doorframe, I reach out and swing the door open before slipping inside and scooting my way over to his bedside. Only this time, he doesn’t look to be alone.

  “April!” Stacey calls. I freeze in the doorway. I must look like hell. I haven’t had a decent shower in days, the nurses tell me my face looks pale, and after physical therapy, I’m always sweating.

  Stacey doesn’t seem to care. “I’m so glad to see you! I checked your room and they told me you weren’t there. They told me to stay with Jared and you would find me!”

  “They know me so well!” I joke.

  “That nurse, I think her name was Tammie, she’s a riot!”

  “You’re telling me?” I shake my head. I should have known.

  “She said you went ape shit when you woke up a few days ago!” Stacey burst into laughter at the thought.

  “I recall it slightly different.” I use one crutch to stumble over to the edge of Jared’s bed.

  “How’s he doing? Really...”

  “Really? Like no nurse lingo, no b.s?” She nods and I sigh. “He’s still breathing, but he gets fed from a tube and hasn’t woken up since the accident. With each day that passes, I find the nurses won’t make eye contact with me. Probably afraid that they will give away some pity and I’ll rip them a new one.”

  “Oh Apr—”

  “No, not you, too… I need a friend, someone to tell me he’s going to wake up. I need him to wake up,” I whisper as the tears threaten to fall.

  “He’s going to wake up!” Stacey sits on the bed beside me with her hand on my shoulder. “He has to.”

  THE DAYS SEEM TO fly by now. I go to physical therapy in the mornings and spend the rest of my days and nights sitting beside Jared in the hospital. Stacey stops by the house to feed Jinx and grab me some clothes, because I refuse to leave the hospital. They discharged me weeks ago, but I pretty much live in Jared’s room now. No one says anything. The nurses are afraid of me and the custodians have become something like friends to me. Late at night when I’m all alone, they come eat their dinner and play cards with me. Tammie is the only nurse that doesn’t seem to be afraid of me. She has been promoted to a managerial position and permanently moved to Jared’s wing because the other nurses almost refuse to enter the room. Maybe it’s because she’s the only one I haven’t threatened with bodily harm. She just gets it. She’s compassionate without having the pity behind her eyes every time we talk. I love the fact that she doesn’t sugar coat it. She will tell me exactly like it is and let me come to the decisions myself.

  Hunter even came to visit me. Tammie got rid of him, for me she’s like my bodyguard. He won’t stop texting and calling me ever since the accident. Maybe he’s worried, but he should have thought about that before. Tammie calls him Mr. Grey, because she said he showed up in a suit and tie. It must be internship time. I’ve missed so much school that I emailed the dean and put it on hold for a while. It’s just a small price to pay to keep a promise: never leave me.

  I won’t, not now. Not ever.

  I come out of the shower dressed in purple scrubs Tammie brought for me. She had taken my bag of clothes home to wash them for me; she said I was starting to stink up the wing. It’s not like anyone would mind about my change of wardrobe, they all know me by now. I might as well have scrubs on. Today is different. I see Eric beside Jared’s bed this time. Jared hasn’t gotten many visitors; none, actually. My heart freezes in my chest. I haven’t seen Eric since the night at the club when he told me we would never work out, Jared and I. Now he has me alone, and he can do whatever he wants to me. He finally gets his wish— he can finally hurt me. There is nothing else this world can throw at me. I’m already at rock bottom.

  “I tried to get here sooner, but the dorms are keeping us all busy. I want you to know that the company is safe. I took over in your absence, the bills are paid, and everything is fine, brother,” he finishes, placing his hand over Jared’s on the white sheets.

  He turns when he hears me approach the bed. Tears are brimming his eyes and I know just how much this hurts him, too. It’s funny. I kept thinking it’s sad that I’m the only one here, that Jared doesn’t have a family to support him through this, but I was wrong. I see that now; his crew is his family. He wouldn’t want them to abandon the company that he built up from his father.

  “April…?” he whispers, struggling to hold back tears. “I’m sorry. I misjudged you.”

  “Me?” I respond, confused at the tone of his voice. It’s almost… kind.

  “I thought you’d be the first person to leave him…” he tells me, looking back to Jared’s pale face as the tears start to fall. “But you… you’ve never left, not once—
not even to shower.” He points behind us to the bathroom. “It’s us that haven’t been here for him.”

  “Nonsense. Someone had to run the company. We gotta pay for these medical bills somehow!” I try and joke, coming to sit on Jared’s other side.

  Eric risks a smirk that is almost a smile. “I was so mean to you…” he whispers, finally meeting my eyes again. “Jared loved you so much and I thought you’d destroy him—like my ex destroyed me. I was there for her after her break up and I thought we were in love, until I caught her in bed with her ex.”

  Wow, it all makes sense. I want to say something comforting; I want to convince him that I would never do that, but the only word that comes out of my mouth is, “Loves.”

  “What?”

  “You said loved. Jared loves me—he’s not dead!”

  “Sorry, I was talking past tense because I was skeptical of you. I told him not to be a rebound.”

  “That was you? Putting those words in his mouth?”

  “I just wanted to make sure he was thinking with the right head!” He smirks again.

  “I’d never hurt Jared,” I defend.

  “I see that now.” He nods, looking back and forth from him to me. “I’m sorry.”

  We sit there in silence with a stiff Jared between us for a while until he climbs to his feet. “Okay, I gotta get back to the office.”

  “Okay, uh, thanks for coming,” I offer up with a smile. He nods before leaning in to whisper something to Jared. On his way, out he pauses in the doorway before turning back.

  “Take care of our boy, April.”

  “I will,” I reply automatically.

  Eric leaves, closing the door behind him and I stare at Jared, wrapping my fingers in between his. His hand seems warmer than usual, and I hope he’s not catching a fever. They say the longer you stay in the hospital, the sicker you get. I hope that’s not true. Maybe it’s my wild imagination, but for a second I swear I feel his finger move slightly. It’s just a dream, I tell myself. I don’t want to get my hopes up. Not until his eyes open will I let myself be excited.

  MY HAND AUTOMATICALLY links itself with his once again. It turns out our magnetic force has a current even when only one of us is conscious. I hear the doorknob turn but I don’t seem to have the energy to look up from Jared’s side. It’s probably just Tammie, anyway, coming to check vitals. Funny, how the longer you stay here, the more you become part of the routine that is hospital life. It’s the footsteps that make me look up; I could swear I hear… heels. My eyes gravitate over to the door and I find it hard to hide my surprise. It’s a familiar face I don’t expect: it’s my mother. She is looking at Jared with those green eyes that look exactly like mine. She peers with a look of sadness and maybe pity. Jared’s mom was close with mine, and I guess she sees the same heartbreak happening all over again.

  “Mom?”

  “Hey honey,” she whispers, as if she thinks he is sleeping. “Tammie called me.”

  “Tammie?”

  “She said she thinks you need a friend right now…”

  “I’m fine,” I murmur, returning my stare back to Jared now. How dare anyone pretend to know what I need?

  “April, dear, can I speak to you…over here?” She points to the corner of the room.

  I let out an exasperated sigh and slowly slip away from Jared’s bedside. “What is it, Mom?!”

  She looks down to the floor. “We stopped by the house today before we came here.”

  “We?”

  “Why didn’t you tell us it was so bad? You have nothing in the fridge but ketchup, and you haven’t paid your bills in like two months!”

  It’s my turn to glance down to my feet. “I haven’t exactly been able to work.”

  “April, when we signed the house over to you—”

  “I know, I know! I don’t need to hear it from another person. I’ve heard it all before. I’m wasting my life away, I’m going to regret this… but Mom,” I lock eyes with her to let her know how deadly serious I am. “I will not lose him. Not again.”

  Her serious glare tears into me, as if trying to threaten me, but I return it with the same amount of seriousness until she finally folds. Sighing, she looks down and then back up at me again. “Very well, April. You are a grown woman now, and you are perfectly able to make your own decisions. Your father and I will remain for a few days and take care of some things. If you need us, we will be at the house.”

  I nod and return to my place at Jared’s side, slowly linking my fingers into his hand again. My mom pauses, her back against the wall, watching us for a little bit.

  Suddenly, Jared’s body contracts and begins to convulse. I stare in horror and shock as the love of my life is internally being tossed around like he is possessed. Jumping into action, I grab the button to call for a nurse off his bed and press it repeatedly. No one comes. My mom is frozen in the back of the room and I practically leap over the bed and rip open the door.

  “TAMMIE!” I scream into the crowded hallway. I see her head peek up over the nurse’s station and I know she’ll follow. Dashing back to Jared, his body has stopped twitching, but his breathing is labored. It’s like he’s choking. Without thinking, I pull the feeding tube out of his mouth.

  “What are you doing?” Tammie spits at me, coming to my side as she tries to get the feeding tube from my hands to put it back in.

  “He can’t breathe!” I frantically scream, so loud it hurts my own ears.

  “Don’t touch that. Let me do my job!”

  “Tammie! Help him.” With the feeding tube out, he looks a little better except for the gurgling noise coming from the back of his throat. Vomit seems to seep out from the sides of his mouth. “Tammie!” The urgency spirals with every word.

  The girl freezes and I look at her for answers, but she doesn’t move. Glancing back at Jared, I know I have to do something or he’ll die. I don’t know where the thought process or the sudden call to action comes from, but I slip my index finger into the back of his throat and swipe. My finger loops with something slimy and disgusting and I scrape it out with my finger. Jared coughs once before lying still. His breathing has returned to normal and his eyes remain closed.

  “How did you know to do that?” Tammie turns to me, looking at my finger covered in vomit.

  “Seemed like common sense. Sounded like he was choking,” I state, wiping the vomit on the top of his covers.

  “Uh, let me get a doctor to double check him.” Tammie leaves the room and before I know it, I feel a hand on my shoulder.

  I turn to lock eyes with my Mother. I forgot she was here. “Oh, honey.” She kisses my forehead.

  “Mom… Mom. He can’t … I won’t,” I say, my head vigorously shaking from side to side.

  “I know, honey. You love him.” She pulls my head to her chest like she used to do when I was little. It calms me in an odd sort of way still.

  “I love him,” I whisper back in confirmation as my eyes return to Jared’s stoic face.

  DINNER NEVER COMES. That’s what happens when Tammie’s not on the clock; things seem to just slip through the cracks. I lean over to kiss Jared on the cheek before wandering out into the dreary hallway. I hear her before I see her: the nurse talking about her sexual conquest of the past weekend on the phone. It must be the middle of the night because the hallways are empty and her chattering is echoing down the hallway. When she comes into view, she turns her head and continues her conversation, slightly lower this time. I can’t help but notice the other phone lines are lit up, going unanswered. I shake my head, turning down the hall towards the vending machine. I swear some of the nurses here are useless; they are only here for a paycheck. It’s just a job to them, not a career, not a need to help people or make the world a better place. They don’t care about these people. They skate by doing the bare minimum for that direct deposit every two weeks. They don’t realize these are people’s children, mothers, fathers, friends and… lovers. I wish everyone were like Tammie. She cares.
She cares about people, about her job, her reputation. Tammie is one of the best people in this place. I’m glad she got that promotion. If anyone deserved it, it was her. Always sporting a smile and there is never any pity in her eyes. She will tell you how it is and it’s never malicious or like she doesn’t care. There is always a level of understanding in her word and behind her eyes.

  My thoughts of Tammie have brought me mindlessly into a different corridor of the hospital. I turn to head back when I hear the shrieks. Then I see a girl run out and collapse with her back against the wall as she pulls her knees up to cover her face. I take a few steps towards her before my mind registers the long constant beep from a heart monitor. Someone has just died. Someone she loved, judging from her reaction. That could be Jared at any moment.

  Before I know it, I’m sitting down beside her. She looks up, hearing me plop down against the wall. Her tear-stained face is young, too young. Her blue eyes shimmer with unshed tears.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper and she buries her head once again between her knees. No one ever comes out of the room to comfort her. She must be alone, like me.

  “He was my father. My father is dead,” she croaks from between her legs.

  “I’m sorry,” I repeat, not having a better response.

  “First my mother disappears, and now this.”

  I just sit beside her in silence, trying to show her she’s not alone. We sit like that as the beep continues and she allows the sobs to wrack through her.

  The nurse finally puts down her phone long enough to call the doctor to pronounce the person dead. I stand by and watch when the doctor tells her and she nods in silence. Then she does something I am not expecting; she reaches out and pulls me into a hug before a new wave of tears hit her.

  “Come, let’s go get something to eat.” I pat her back comfortingly.

  She pulls away to wipe her face and nods. I walk slowly, trying to keep pace with her. I take the long way down to the cafeteria, stopping in the lobby. In the middle of the huge lobby sits the biggest Christmas tree I’ve ever seen in my life. I mean, I’ve seen the tree in New York City on television, but to see something so huge and magnificent in person is completely different. It’s decorated with white lights and red bows. At the top is an angel holding a candle. Very fitting; this place needs a Guardian Angel watching over it. Her sobs stop and I guide her to the couches outside the darkened gift shop.