His Best Friend's Older Sister

by Laura Jardine

  She was touched by how concerned they were. They cared about her. They loved her. They would do anything for her, even things she might not want them to do. Nick was almost certainly going to confront Jay, no matter what she said. But it was because he cared.

  How could she think she was unlovable when she had a family like this?

  True, it was a different kind of love. But someday, a man would return her love and want to spend the rest of his life with her. She looked around at her family, and she believed that.

  Although right now, it was hard to imagine it being any man but Jay.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Jay threw an empty beer can on the floor and put another pillow under his head. He was lying on the couch, watching Men in Black. A movie that he’d seen many times as a kid and didn’t require much thought. It was Sunday … at least, he was pretty sure it was Sunday. Sometime after nine, because it was dark. But he hadn’t been paying much attention to dates and time and shit like that, though he’d somehow managed to make it to work last week.

  Someone pounded on the door.

  He ignored it. Aliens were more important.

  More pounding. “Jay, open up. I know you’re in there. I can hear the goddamn TV.”

  Jesus. Just what he needed.

  He hit pause. “Come in. The door’s unlocked.”

  Nick stepped inside. “What kind of idiot leaves his door unlocked in Toronto?”

  Honestly, Jay just didn’t give a shit anymore. “Well, hello to you, too.”

  Diana came in and shut the door behind her. They both folded their arms over their chests.

  Yeah, this was going to be fun.

  “You look like crap,” Nick said. “Seriously, you couldn’t even be bothered to put on a shirt?”

  “I wasn’t expecting company. Don’t know why I was supposed to be dressed.”

  “There’s cheese on your chest. And a mushroom.”

  Jay briefly considered eating the mushroom and congealed cheese, then tossed them on one of the pizza boxes on his coffee table.

  “Your condo looks like crap, too.” Nick kicked an empty beer can. “Not that you were ever super neat, but you’ve got garbage all over the floor. Come on, man.”

  Diana gingerly walked across the floor and sat down on a chair. Nick remained standing.

  “So is that why you’re here?” Jay asked. “Because you’re concerned about me? I know not hearing from me for a week is a bit of an anomaly, but surely it wasn’t enough for you to barge in like this.”

  But he knew exactly why his friend was here.

  “I want to know what the hell you did to my sister,” Nick demanded. “You promised you wouldn’t hurt her. But she definitely looked hurt today at dinner, even though she insisted she was fine. And I know it has something to do with your sorry ass.”

  Jay flinched. He felt terrible that he’d caused her pain, but he hadn’t had a choice.

  “You told me she was happy,” Nick said. “But clearly that’s changed.”

  “I haven’t seen Emily in a week.”

  “Answer the damn question. What the hell did you do to her?”

  Jay had meant to talk to Nick about it eventually. But he’d hoped to put it off a little longer, which was why he hadn’t spoken to his friend in a week.

  Well, time to tell the truth. Though he would spare the details.

  He sat up and patted the cushion next to him. “Have a seat.”

  “No. I’m terrified of the vermin that might be hiding in that couch.” Nick cracked a small smile, but then he was back to angry mode. “Answer me.”

  “Calm down,” Jay said. “Emily and I—it was just supposed to be something casual, but then she decided she wanted more. She wanted to be my girlfriend, and I said no. That’s all. I didn’t mislead her. No big deal. It’s happened with other girls.”

  He said it all nonchalantly, but that wasn’t how he felt inside.

  It had been different with Emily.

  “Those other girls weren’t my sister,” Nick said. “And Emily wouldn’t fall madly in love—”

  “Whoa. Why do you say she’s madly in love with me? You’re just making assumptions.”

  “Woman’s intuition,” Diana piped up. “I can tell.”

  “What are you doing here?”

  “Making sure you two don’t kill each other. I thought you’d be okay last Saturday night. But now I’m not so sure. This could go very badly if you refuse to get your act together, Jay.”

  “I told her the fucking truth,” he said. “What else was I supposed to do? Lead her on?”

  Nick just looked at him like he was a pitiful creature.

  Which, in all honesty, he kind of was. He was lounging around in his condo, surrounded by empty pizza boxes and beer cans, wearing gym shorts that hadn’t been cleaned since God knows when, and re-watching favorite movies from his childhood. He’d made good use of his Netflix account lately, and not very good use of his kitchen, particularly not the dishwasher.

  “You didn’t tell her the truth,” Nick said. “Admit you love her.”

  Jay’s breath hitched, but he couldn’t do it. He kept on with his whole it-didn’t-mean-anything routine.

  “Now you’re really making assumptions. I like Em, and I think she’s hot, much as you probably hate to hear me say that. But it’s nothing more.”

  “You’re full of shit.” Nick shook his head. “I don’t think Emily would feel so strongly about you unless she had some hint that her feelings were reciprocated. She’s scared. She has trouble trusting people. She wouldn’t have pursued a relationship unless she thought you’d say yes. And somewhere inside that twisted heart of yours, you love her, too. Any doubts I had were put to rest when I saw your living room, which is a pile of shit. You’ve stopped looking after yourself. Something’s clearly wrong.”

  Nick grabbed Jay’s shoulders, and Jay didn’t bother to shrug him off.

  Diana got up and pulled Nick back. “Okay, sweetie. You don’t need to get physical.” She glared at Jay. “Emily’s upset. You’re upset. Why don’t you fix it instead of moping around like this?”

  “I am not moping. Just having a lazy week. It happens sometimes.”

  “No,” Nick said. “I’ve known you for a long time, and this doesn’t just happen to you for no reason. Stop lying.”

  “Fine.” Jay threw up his arms. “I like her a lot.” He couldn’t quite admit it was more than that. “But…” He jabbed his finger at Nick. “As you so kindly pointed out last weekend, I’m not good enough for her. So I turned her down.”

  Nick frowned. “I never said that.”

  “Yes, you did.”

  “I am positive I never said those words.”

  “Whatever. You thought I would treat her badly because I’m never serious and everything is a joke to me. Don’t deny it.”

  “That’s when I thought she was just another casual fling to you, but now I know that’s not the case.”

  Jay looked longingly at the nearly-full can of beer on the coffee table. He knew Nick would slap it out of his hand if he reached for it.

  “Wait a second,” Nick said. “Are you saying that if I hadn’t made that one stupid comment to you, none of this would have happened? Emily wouldn’t be upset?”

  “No. Because you were just confirming what I already knew. I knew she was too good for me from the time we were kids.”

  Nick looked thoughtfully out the window. “My dad remembers you staring at Emily that day we all went to Wasaga together.”

  “Ah, yes.” Jay’s lips twitched. He was in a foul mood, and he felt the urge to piss off his friend. “She was wearing a red bathing suit that… Well, I should probably stop there.”

  “Anyway,” Nick said, scowling, “I noticed you checking her out a few times when we were young, but I pushed it to the back of my mind. Didn’t want to think about that. I’d forgotten about it until my dad told us that little story.” He paused. “So you’ve always liked her.”

/>   “Yeah.” Jay sighed. “I have.”

  And he’d spent the whole fucking week trying not to think about her, but he hadn’t succeeded. Though with all the mindless TV and videogames and beer, he’d managed to make himself rather numb, and that helped take the edge off. Just a little.

  Diana turned toward him. “It makes sense that you thought she was impossible for you when you were twelve, but come on. You’re not a child anymore. Why can’t you be with her if that’s what you both want? You’re functional adults now.”

  Jay tilted his head toward the coffee table, littered in garbage. “You were saying?”

  “Most of the time,” she amended. “You’re a good guy, you’ve got a job, you have your own place, and I assume the sex was spectacular.”

  “Oh, for the love of God,” Nick muttered. “Don’t talk about that.”

  Jay couldn’t help but snicker. Then he sobered. “She deserves more. She deserves a guy who’s perfect. Like she is.”

  “You really do think the world of her.”

  “Of course I do. Sure, she’s heartbroken now, but she’ll get over it, she’ll find someone else, and she’ll be better off.” His heart was hammering, but he managed a shrug. “I know it.”

  “And what, exactly, what will this other guy look like?”

  “I don’t know. Well over six feet tall, chiseled everything?”

  “You know that wasn’t what I meant, you numbskull.”

  Of course. He knew.

  It had nothing to do with looks. He was confident enough there, confident he could please Emily in bed. He’d always done fine with the ladies, after all. But…

  “He’ll make more money than me,” Jay said. “He’ll be more ambitious. Probably have several degrees. He won’t nearly have flunked out of university. He’ll be more … polished. Stuff like that.”

  Nick raised his eyebrows. “You mean superficial shit that I’m sure Emily doesn’t care about.”

  Jay shrugged again. “I just don’t see her ending up with a guy like me.”

  “But that’s what she wants. Why don’t you trust her to know what she wants?”

  “Jay, you have the emotional intelligence of a small child.” Diana shook her head. “I thought you were better than this.”

  “Well, now you know otherwise.”

  “Emily loves you,” Nick said. “That is not something to be taken lightly. It means a lot.”

  Yeah, it did. If it was true—because this was still based on Diana’s intuition.

  Though he suspected Diana was right.

  Emily, how did you let this happen?

  But he knew she’d never intended it. Just like he’d never intended for things to get to this point. His chest squeezed painfully.

  Damn, he really needed that beer.

  “But even if I decided to give it a go,” he said quietly, “I’ve never had a real relationship before. I’m sure I’d fuck it up.”

  “I hadn’t, either,” Nick said. “And sure, I made a few mistakes, but now…” He touched his wife’s hand. “You’ll figure it out.”

  “So you really don’t think she’s too good for me?”

  “No, you idiot. I wouldn’t have been good friends with you for twenty years if you were a bad person. Though you are acting like a bit of a tool right now. But I know you can make things right. Seriously, man. Wake up. You could have something great. I’m not just mad at you because Emily’s upset. I’m also pissed off that you’re sabotaging yourself.”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  It was too much for him to wrap his mind around right now. Was it really possible?

  “You better think about it real hard,” Nick said. “I don’t want to have this conversation again. And I really don’t want to see the two of you continuing to look like shit. Okay?”

  “Yeah. I got it.”

  “Then Diana and I will get out of here and give you a chance to think about it some more. And clear out those pizza boxes and empty beer cans. It’s disgusting in here.”

  “I got that, too.”

  Nick and Diana finally left, and Jay sluggishly started cleaning the living room, wondering if his friend was right.

  ****

  Emily’s mother called her at ten in the morning on Monday.

  It was unusual for her to call more than once a month. It was also unusual for her to call during work hours.

  Emily experienced a wave of unsteadiness as she stepped away from her desk.

  “Hello,” she said into her phone.

  “Emily.” The normally strong and brisk voice was distant.

  “What is it, Mom?” Her heart pounded. Something was wrong. She knew it.

  It seemed to take forever for her mother to answer.

  “I have…cancer.”

  Cancer. That horrible word.

  Emily put her hand to her forehead and tried to stay standing.

  “Breast cancer,” her mom continued. “Early stages. I’ll have a lumpectomy and radiation therapy, and I should be okay.” She paused. “You think I deserve it, don’t you?”

  “Oh, God. No.” Emily recoiled at the idea. “Of course not.”

  “I didn’t act like a mother.”

  “But that doesn’t mean you deserve it. Nobody does. I certainly wouldn’t wish it on you.”

  “You must assume I didn’t take good enough care of myself, then.”

  “No. These things … they just happen. Yes, certain lifestyle choices may increase the odds, but don’t think that it’s your fault, Mom.”

  “I can’t help it.”

  “I’m not surprised,” Emily said. “You acted like everything that ever happened to me was my fault. You had little empathy, and you didn’t seem to believe in chance.” She couldn’t help anger from creeping into her voice. “I grew up blaming myself for everything, for things that certainly were not my doing. It was so hard to unlearn that.”

  There was a long silence.

  “Oh, Emily.”

  But now she believed she wasn’t to blame for every bad thing in her life, and she knew she deserved good things. Like love. She was ready for it now in a way she hadn’t been at Nick’s wedding, in part because she felt better about her acne. Thanks to Jay, she’d finally learned to like the way she looked when she was naked. She felt comfortable in her own skin. She was beautiful, even when she was exposed. Her mother’s criticism couldn’t hurt her now the way it had before.

  Jay Cheng had rejected her, but that was not her fault. She had gathered her courage to put her heart on the line … and it hadn’t worked out.

  But she was okay just the way she was.

  Emily shut her eyes and took a deep breath. “I’ll come up to Ottawa in the next month or two. You just tell me when you want me, and I’ll be there.” She wouldn’t upend her life to help her mother. But a couple of days? She would do that. Her mother’s parents were dead, and her brother lived on the other side of the country. She didn’t have anyone else.

  “You’re a better person than I ever was,” her mom said.

  It was strange to get a compliment from her mother now, after all this time.

  “If you could do it over again,” Emily said, “would you make the same choices?”

  “I don’t know.” A pause. “I thought I couldn’t have everything. It was either a career or a family. But perhaps things weren’t so black and white. I guess if I could do it again, I would at least try to see you more often.” Her voice wavered. “So that you weren’t so alone. So that I wasn’t the mother who felt she couldn’t go to her son’s wedding.”

  Tears fell silently down Emily’s cheeks. She hurried to the washroom and locked herself in a cubicle.

  “Maybe you can have everything,” her mother said softly. “You could go back to school and get your PhD, and you could have kids at the same time, if you want them.”

  “I don’t want to be a professor anymore. Like I told you, dreams change.”

  Her mother sighed, but she didn’t say Emil
y was in denial.

  “I forgive you,” Emily said. “For everything. What happened … happened. But don’t think I’ll ever be happy about it. Don’t think I’ll ever forget what it was like to beg you for help and not get any.”

  “Okay,” her mother said. Nothing more.

  “Take care. Let me know how you’re doing. Would you like me to tell Ryan and Nick?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’ll do that. Bye, Mom.”

  She couldn’t say, “I love you.” She didn’t think she would ever truthfully be able to say those words to her mother.

  After ending the call, Emily stared at the door of the bathroom stall, wishing Jay was there to put his arms around her.

  Wishing he was there so she could say those three little words to him.

  Chapter Nineteen

  On Monday, Jay walked into a housewares store on the way home from work and bought two large square white plates and two small ones. Then he went to the grocery store and bought a whole assortment of things, including eggs, bacon, cream cheese, and strawberries. He even purchased a bag of flour, as well as some parsley, because that would look good as a garnish.

  When he got home, he pulled up some recipes and eventually settled on a bacon and mushroom omelet. Small steps. He made the omelet and lifted it onto one of the new square plates. After putting a sprig of parsley on top, he took a picture of it.

  He’d gotten these plates because he thought they would look good in food porn. Simple, to showcase the food, but still classy. And they were similar to Emily’s.

  Nick called when Jay was tidying the kitchen, making up for his week of not doing any cleaning whatsoever. Or even throwing things in the general direction of the garbage can.

  “I just talked to Emily,” Nick said.

  Ah. So this was a continuation of last night’s talk. Jay wasn’t sure he was ready for this. He needed some time.

  “My mother.” Nick paused. “She has breast cancer. It’s not very advanced, fortunately.”

  Oh. Not what Jay had expected.

  “I’m sorry,” he said.

  “I feel very little, like it’s just some stranger who has cancer. Emily plans to visit her soon, but I can’t imagine doing that. I still don’t want her in my life. She’s just the woman who gave birth to me. Although apparently she feels some remorse over what happened…”