Return to Love (Willow Valley Book 1)

by Christine Kingsley

  That brought the life back into her. "You can't take her from me. I won't let you. She's all I have now." Her words were desperate and her eyes pleaded with him.

  "Do you know me at all? Maybe not, because I see now that I haven't the slightest clue who you are. The Cassie I knew would never betray me like this. And to think I wanted to--" he broke off. No, there was no room for thoughts like that anymore. A future with her was off the table, no matter how much he may have wanted it.

  He made himself turn to leave, unsure he could handle being in her presence any longer. His mind was telling him one thing, but his heart didn't want to listen.

  He was halfway to the door when Cassie ran behind him and grabbed his arm. "Don't leave like this Jack. Please, just hear me out. There's so much more to it that you don't understand."

  "No, it seems pretty clear to me. It's simple. You lied. You kept my daughter from me. End of story."

  He walked out the door, letting the screen slam behind him. The clap of it against the wooden frame sounded final to his ears.

  * * *

  Cassie felt empty inside. She lay in her bed with Sarah pulled closely against her, watching her breathe. She seemed so peaceful, so unaware. After Jack had left last night, she had cried until she had nothing left and then she'd brought Sarah into her bed with her, not willing to spend another precious minute away from her, afraid that the clock was ticking down to some unforeseeable end.

  As much as she tried to convince herself that Jack wouldn't try to take her away, she couldn't be sure. He'd been so cold last night, so distant. She wasn't sure she would blame him if he did. The rational side of her knew that she held all legal rights to Sarah, but the protective mothering instinct inside of her made her fearful nonetheless.

  Combined with a breaking heart at the loss of the only man she'd ever truly loved, Cassie had lain awake all night until now she was just a hollow shell. Rolling over to check the time on the bedside clock, she saw the note and flower that Jack had left last week and a wave of pain washed over her anew. She hadn't bothered to move them, enjoying the reminder every morning of that night together. Now they only reminded her of what could have been.

  Sarah rolled over and blinked up at her with sleep eyes, then gave her a big smile. "Mommy," she said, reaching toward her for a hug. Cassie squeezed her tight against her until Sarah begin to squirm. Mommy. That's what she was, regardless of whether she had adopted Sarah or not. The intense love she felt toward her could only be described as that of a mother toward her child. She was the only parent Sarah had ever known, and she'd taken the responsibility seriously. She may have shouldered the burden for Amanda, but truly she had been given the greatest gift of all when she had become Sarah's mother.

  Cassie felt a sudden surge of determination. This was her baby, and she was her mother, and nothing Jack could say or do would change that. She had allowed herself to wallow in self-pity through the night, but that wasn't who she was and she knew it.

  She was strong. She made her own path and played life with the cards she was dealt. She would face this head on and survive. Just as she always had before.

  The first step would be getting out of bed and getting the day started. After that, it was time to face Jack. On her terms.

  * * *

  Jack heard the car driving up the dirt path to the house before he saw it, and couldn't have been more surprised to see Cassie's car stopping out front. What was she doing here? He watched out the window for another moment, unsure of what to do.

  Cassie walked around her car and leaned down into the back seat, to get something he presumed. When she stood, lifting Sarah on her hip, his stomach tied itself in knots. She had brought Sarah over? He didn't understand why she was doing this, but he welcomed the opportunity to see her. Even though the idea of being around her now that he knew she was his made him a nervous wreck. He'd always been at ease with her before. Kids loved him. But when it was his kid and he so desperately wanted her to love him, it changed things.

  He'd lain awake most of the night worrying about this very moment, but he hadn't expected it to come so soon.

  Cassie was knocking on the front door before he knew it, shaking him out of his thoughts. He was still angry, infuriated, but he knew that he had to tamp his emotions down if he wanted to be in the right frame of mind to see Sarah.

  He opened the door and looked back and forth between the two of them, unsure of who to focus on. His gaze settled on Cassie, noting her swollen dark-rimmed eyes and pale complexion. She didn't look as if she'd rested any better than he had. He carefully kept his face blank as he tried to read her and figure out why she was here, but she wasn't revealing anything.

  He shifted his gaze to look at Sarah, who was a stark contrast to Cassie, smiling up him with the sweetest dimpled grin and twinkling blue eyes. His eyes. How had he missed that before?

  A broad smile spread across his face at her happiness to see him. "Hey, princess, how are you this morning?"

  Sarah leaned toward him and reached up with her arms and he had no choice but to reach out to take her. He thought he felt Cassie resist for a moment, but then she released her and stood in his doorway, fidgeting awkwardly now that she had nothing to occupy her hands.

  She lifted her eyebrows after a moment. "May I come in?"

  He stepped aside quickly and gestured for her to enter. He may be furious with her, but he still had manners. Cassie made her way to the family room and sat down on the edge of a chair. Jack sank onto the couch, placing Sarah on his knees and bouncing her up and down.

  "Horsey, horsey," she giggled.

  "Do you want to ride a horse, Sarah?"

  She nodded happily at him, clapping her hands like she did when she was excited. Jack found it interesting that he was already so aware of her mannerisms. His worry vanished at the ease with which he was able to interact with her. Perhaps it was because he'd already been so fond of her, and she of him. Or maybe they had a connection that went deeper than he'd realized. Either way, it was a relief to him that he felt so comfortable with her.

  Cassie was a different story. She sat stiffly in the chair, watching them closely but not quite meeting his eyes. It was obvious that she was ill at ease.

  As much as he wanted to enjoy this moment with Sarah, he knew that there were things that needed to be said with Cassie. Firstly, why she had shown up this morning in the first place?

  "Why are you here?" he asked her, deciding to just be direct.

  She swallowed hard and stood, taking some toys out of her purse. "Here, baby, why don't you sit here and play for a minute? Jack and I need to talk, but it won't take long."

  "Horsey," Sarah said petulantly, sticking out her lower lip.

  Jack laughed and tweaked her chin. "I promise you can ride a horse, but let me talk to your Mommy for a minute first. How about that?"

  Her pout was replaced with another smile as she nodded happily and climbed down to play on the floor with her toys.

  Cassie walked ahead of him into the kitchen and turned to face him. He didn't know what to expect, but the determined stance and tone weren't it. Anger, sadness, confusion maybe, but not this matter-of-fact attitude. It threw him off guard.

  "I don't plan on keeping her from you, Jack. Just so you know that. She is your daughter and you have a right to her. You can see her as often as you like. However, she is also my daughter, and I expect you to respect that."

  This was so bizarre. It wasn't as if she were speaking harshly or acting unfeelingly, but this was not a side of Cassie he was familiar with. She was gentle, caring, and sweet around him, but now she was all business. It made him temporarily forget his anger toward her and instead want to kiss her until this distant person in front of him dissolved into the woman he knew.

  She continued before he could do or say anything. "I'm going to stay here today because it would only confuse her if I left her, and I'm not sure she's ready for that. But we will work up to it. And when we think she's ready, we will br
eak the news to her."

  "What news?"

  "That you're her father, of course. You can't just drop a bomb like that on a child. She wouldn't understand."

  Jack just nodded. Of course. He realized quickly that he was out of his depth with this parenting thing. He was great with kids, sure, but there was a whole new element when it involved making decisions that would affect another person. This threw him off guard and he didn't know what to say.

  Cassie must have seen the unease on his face. "Don't worry, I won't expect you to do everything on your own for a while."

  He thought it was meant to reassure him, but it only made him feel worse. "On my own?"

  She met his gaze briefly and pressed her lips together tightly, looking away and simply nodding. She started to walk back into the room with Sarah, but he grabbed her arm. She tensed at his touch and he wasn't sure how he felt about that at all. Everything she was doing was only making him more confused.

  "We have a lot to talk about still."

  She shut her eyes and didn't turn. "Yes. Another day."

  He let her go. Another day.

  * * *

  Cassie watched Jack and Sarah ride a horse out in the pasture from the distance of a chair on the back patio. This had to be simultaneously the happiest and saddest day of her life.

  Jack was a natural with Sarah. He was so at ease, and Sarah loved him so much. Despite what she had said in the kitchen earlier, she didn't think that Sarah would have to adjust to the idea of Jack being her father. She was young and resilient and the concept wasn't complicated and full of meaning for her like it was for Cassie.

  Cassie felt warm all over at the look of pure love on Jack's face as he interacted with her. The man she loved and her precious daughter were both getting to spend time together, and nothing should make her happier.

  If only the happiness weren't tainted by the distance that only seemed to be growing between Jack and her. The coldness and anger last night had been one thing. She had expected that. In fact, she had expected a lot worse. She almost would prefer that to what she was getting from him now. There was a tremendous gorge of hurt and disappointment that was separating them, and Cassie didn't see any hope of bridging it.

  There were plenty of discussions ahead of them, to be sure, but the way Jack had looked at her all day was as if he didn't even know her. Gone were the heated exchanges of desire and passion, where only a glance from him could set her body on fire. Any interaction between them today had been as dry and empty as the gaping hole in her heart.

  She closed her eyes and allowed a tear to slide down her cheek, giving in momentarily to the sadness she had tried so hard to keep shut off today. The sound of a chair scraping across the concrete caused her to sit up and hastily wipe away the tear. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Tom settle in next to her, appearing very healthy despite the recent scare. He'd made himself scarce all day, but it looked as if now she had another hurdle to face.

  "He doesn't know what to make of this, you know," Tom said, lifting a glass of tea to his lips.

  Cassie remained silent. What could she possibly say to this man? She had kept a secret from him as well, and he had every right to hate her too.

  After a few minutes, he spoke again. "You bringing her here today tells me something, though."

  She turned to him then, hesitantly, and saw him watching her, trying to read her.

  He pursed his lips. "You could have just hidden out and kept on living your life, waiting for Jack to make the next move." He paused and took another drink. "But you didn't. The way I see it is, you must have had a really good reason to keep that secret."

  "What makes you so sure?"

  "Well, the minute your burden is lifted, you have her here, handing her willingly to Jack. Wanting her to know him. That has to count for something."

  He was right, of course, but how could he see things so clearly? "Aren't you angry?" she asked instead.

  He thought for a moment. "I suppose so, to an extent. We've both missed out on some good years. But one thing I've learned in my life is that you can't spend all your time angry and casting blame. It's a waste of energy. Why dwell on what could have been? You can't change it now. All you can do is take what you've been given and make the best of it."

  "Somehow I don't think Jack will see it like that. What I did was wrong. I didn't think so at the time. Or rather, I only thought about the reasons behind what I did, and why they seemed right. Either way, I hurt people, and that's what I regret most."

  Tom didn't say anything else, but he didn't make a move to leave either. They watched Jack and Sarah on the horse, and when they started to head back to the stable while later, Cassie rose to her feet to help.

  "I never was fond of your sister," Tom said suddenly. Cassie turned to him in surprise. "I always thought she was the wrong one for Jack." He squinted at her, gauging her reaction to his next words. "I've known for years that you loved my son, whether either of you knew it or not. Take it from an old man, something like that doesn't come along very often. You'd be a fool to give up and walk away now."

  This time she didn't bother to hide the tear that fell from her eye, and when she spoke, her voice was full of sadness and regret. "I don't think I'm the one walking away."

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Nearly two weeks passed, and autumn had well and truly set in. Cassie was in the bakery kitchen getting ready to close up shop for the evening when the bell chimed. She poked her head out to let the customer know she'd be right there, but the words caught in her throat as she saw Jack making his way toward the counter.

  "Any muffins left?"

  She almost smiled. He hadn't been in since the week of the cook-off. She'd seen him, of course, during visits with Sarah, but this was the first time they'd been alone since the night Amanda showed up. "Sold out this morning."

  "Looks like I'm not the only one who likes them."

  The small talk felt awkward and Cassie was a bundle of nerves. It was increasingly difficult to be around him. Her feelings weren't fading. If anything, after watching him with Sarah, they were only getting stronger. Which made being alone with him right now and unable to touch him next to intolerable. "Is there anything else I can get for you?"

  "Finish up what you're doing, then let's go for a walk. I think we're overdue for a talk."

  Cassie felt a sudden urge to run out the back of the shop. She'd been hoping for a chance to explain more to him, but now that the opportunity was here, she didn't know if she could handle it. She knew he deserved an explanation. She also knew that it wasn't going to change anything.

  She finished cleaning up the kitchen and double checked that everything was turned off, then walked around the counter to find Jack holding her coat and scarf.

  "It's chilly out," is all he said, helping her into her coat.

  They left the bakery and she locked up, then followed his lead to the park across the street in the middle of the square. She was glad for cold and the excuse to shove her hands into her pockets. She was also grateful that he'd suggested a walk. Being outdoors made her feel less trapped. He had a tendency to fill up the space whenever they were together, and she needed a little room to breathe if they were going to hash this out.

  Leaves blew across their path as they walked in silence. Finally, Jack spoke up.

  "I can't pretend to understand why you did what you did, but I wanted to give you an opportunity to tell me. I think it's only fair that I try to see your side." That was more than Cassie had expected. Jack continued to surprise her, even after all this time. He hurried to add, "I'm not saying that will make it okay."

  "I get that. And I'm not saying that it is okay. In fact, it's far from it, and I realize that." She stopped to collect her thoughts and looked around at the colorful trees. Any other time she would see the beauty in the fading leaves, but now it just reminded her of her relationship with Jack. Fading, dying.

  She took a moment to gather her courage, then began to speak.
"I've always been the responsible one, from the time we were little girls. Mom always expected me to look after Amanda, and keep her out of trouble. This didn't stop, even as adults. But when she came home pregnant, this was trouble I couldn't help her with. She said you'd left her, run off with some other woman."

  Jack started to protest, but she hurried on. "I figured out pretty quickly that wasn't the case. I knew you'd never do that, and it just didn't add up. Anyway, she came home and told us she was pregnant, swore me to secrecy, then left again. Honestly, by that point, I'd tired so much of her antics and was so busy taking care of Mom, who was still living at home but quickly declining, that I pushed it all from my mind and focused on Mom and the bakery. You never came back, so I wondered if maybe you didn't want anything to do with the baby. She never said that she hadn't told you.

  "She showed up during the last few weeks of the pregnancy, just after our mother had one of the most severe episodes of her illness. I still may be the worst to date. She didn't know who I was, or who Amanda was. She was like a lost child, and it terrified me. When she came back to herself and recognized who we were, I was willing to do anything she asked of me. Anything to please her and make her happy. Anything to keep her from doing that again."

  She paused for a moment, remembering the pain of seeing her mother in such a state, and swallowed against the lump in her throat. When she dared to look up at Jack, she found him watching her intently, his expression curious but devoid of emotion. Gathering her courage, she continued.

  "I'll never forget what she said next. 'Take care of your sister. Do anything she asks. Just protect her, because I can't anymore. Promise me you'll do anything she asks.' That's what she asked of me. So I did. Amanda told me she was giving the baby up for adoption and used our mother's request as leverage to keep her secret. I was devastated that she wanted to abandon her baby, and at the last minute I told her I would take her."