Summa Elvetica: A Casuistry of the Elvish Controversy and Other Stories

by Vox Day

  “Yar. Me need a good moon to pretty up, school the skwakks, and maybe, if you gobs can hack it, raise up some missile auxies. How you like dat, kin-bro, you having a troop of Slayer auxies?”

  I shouldn’t like that at all, Bextor thought wryly. Trolls didn’t bother with archers. They didn’t need to, since their idea of ranged weaponry primarily involved throwing very large rocks at the enemy. Bextor reminded himself that he was supposed to be a wannabe Slayer.

  “Really?” he gushed enthusiastically. “Do you mean it?”

  “Show me you gobs can hack it, and you march out like Slayers when me getting the word, yar.”

  Knowing his goblins’ skill with their weapons, or near complete lack thereof, Bextor wasn’t terribly worried on that score. Still, he made a mental note to order his goblins to aim with their opposite eye and perhaps switch swordhands as well.

  As they approached the Temple of Morswot, which was the only building in Wiccam Fensboro with ceilings high enough to suit orcs, they passed the inn belonging to Sojo, the hoblet. He was standing defiantly on his porch with a determined look on his round little face. Bextor was inwardly cursing the stubborn hob, but forced himself to remain impassive as the orc captain wrinkled his nose and looked across the street. A harsh murmuring broke out in the mass of troops behind him.

  “Me was smelling the stink o’ kobs,” he snarled. “You, kobber, what you do here?”

  “I live here, orc. I might ask you the same.”

  The nearby goblins gasped. Every eye was upon the grun-kor as he walked slowly towards the hoblet. Although the porch on which Sojo was standing was elevated, the giant orc’s greater height brought them eye to eye.

  “So ask, kob,” the orc commanded, with a dangerous tone to his rumbling voice.

  Sojo raised an eyebrow. Clearly he had not expected that response. He nodded bravely and folded his arms. “Very well. What are you doing here, orc?”

  There was a sudden flash of black and silver, and the hoblet collapsed, holding both hands to his throat. He made a brief choking noise, his legs convulsed, and then he lay still.

  “Killing kobs,” the grun-kor said with an air of satisfaction. For a moment all was quiet, and then the Slayers burst out in a terrifying explosion of cruel and sadistic laughter. To Bextor’s dismay, several watching goblins joined in. Most, however, only looked on in horrified silence.

  The orc turned his back on his victim and jerked his thumb over his shoulder. “Galvebel, get me dagger and clean it good. Den we burn this kobhole. Dis be a warning to any koblovers, hear? Kob disease, we fight with fire. Any house got a kobber in it, we burn. With everyone in it, kob or gob.”

  Bextor closed his eyes. He did not love hoblets, but still, he had known Sojo all his life. He despised himself for what he was about to say, but he knew he had little choice if he hoped to find a way to protect the rest of Wiccam Fensboro’s hoblets from these insane killers.

  “Grun-Kor Skullsplitter, sir!”

  “Who say that?”

  Bextor steeled himself to avoid flinching as the orc whirled around. He pointed to the inn.

  “The old kob was an innkeep, sir! He served ale there, sir! A point of possible interest, sir!”

  The orc captain laughed and smote him a tremendous buffet on the shoulder that almost knocked him off Upo.

  “Damn good, Drun Fenwick. Me got a possible interest, damn sure! Galvebel, afore you firing de inn, you be finding those kegs.” The orc bared his tusks approvingly at Bextor. “By Gor-Gor’s giant vank, little gob, damned if we don’t make a real Slayer from you!”

  • • •

  The first month of the occupation went by with rather less violence than one might have expected. Three young goblins were killed in a drunken altercation with an unruly Slayer, and an uncharacteristically sober, newly-demoted Drun Gurfang’s first order of business was to instruct the town brothels to send out to all the nearby towns and villages for reinforcements, in order to meet the twentyfold increase in demand for their wares. A family of five hoblets had been discovered in an abandoned house. The father was murdered on the spot, while the mother and children were held in the local jail for later transportation to the salt mines of Zoth Ommog.

  Why the hugely overmuscled orcs might require hoblet children to work their mines was not a question that anyone in the village dared ask.

  Bextor’s campaign of ingratiation proceeded well, and he was often invited to join Skullsplitter’s daily staff meetings. The grun-kor clearly preferred to regard him as the town’s representative, and he made a regular habit of consulting him first before imposing new restrictions on the townspeople. But, as well-informed as he was, Bextor was nevertheless surprised when a scarred grungalvebel interrupted him at spear drill, informing him that the grun-kor required his immediate presence. He was even more surprised to see Mayor Spitswiggle being hustled down the street by two large orcs with his arms bound behind his back.

  “Dirty runt lying to me, growled the orc captain, shaking an unrolled scroll as Bextor saluted him. “See how he like the mines. Better dis place under war rule, anyhow. So, what you know about kobs in dis town, little drun?”

  “Being lied to, sir?” Bextor didn’t have to fake his confusion.

  “Spitswiggle tell me dey got no more kobs here. Say dey leave last year. But we find five on Lundy, and today anudder tree. Damn traitors be hiding them!”

  “Grun-Kor, sir, it makes me sick to hear it! I had no idea!”

  “It getting worse.” The orc pushed the scroll forward and stabbed at it with a meaty finger. “The vergalvebel find dis. He say it be dis year’s head count. Dat say dere be some eighty kobbers in Fensboro! Dat lying koblover Spitswiggle say dere weren’t none! So where dey be?”

  Bextor thought frantically. He couldn’t permit the orcs to search all of Wiccam Fensboro. They’d surely find enough hoblets to justify burning down the entire town, and perhaps slaughtering every goblin in it for good measure. He bought himself some time by reaching for the scroll.

  “That can’t be right, sir! May I see that, sir?”

  He pretended to peer thoughtfully at the thin ratskin and nodded his head.

  “I think I found your problem, Grun-Kor. Bubo Wickslow is the town publican this year. He’s not very good with numbers. From what I hear, he can’t count past ten. See, that eight should be a three.” He laughed scornfully. “We always had a few kobs lurking about, but not so many as you’d notice them much. There were never more than thirty, to be sure.”

  The orc captain stared at him incredulously. “You gobs got a taxer he can’t count?”

  “Well, he was the only one to volunteer, sir.”

  “By Gor-Gor’s almighty arse, you gobs be dumber dan you look!”

  “As you say, sir.” Bextor saluted crisply. “But sir, if you’ve already caught six of the little stinkers, that means there’s at least another ten of them out there somewhere. By your leave, sir, I’ll ask for volunteers and put together an anti-kob patrol to go house-to-house and search them out, sir.”

  The orc captain shared a disbelieving glance with one of his staff sergeants, then looked back at Bextor and shook his head.

  “Yar, Drun Fenwick. You do dat. Dismissed.” But as Bextor spun about and marched from the room, he pricked up his ears and heard the grun-kor muttering to his officers behind his back. “Five and tree be six? No wonder dey so damn useless! Damn Korzork in chains, dat mad orc Gwarzul got no idea what he gotten us into!”

  “You be thinking he lie?”

  “Dat little gob? No, why he do dat? Dey just gobs, verkor, dey can’t help it if dey stupid.”

  Bam-bam-bam! Bextor pounded on the front of the lowslung house. “Open up, or we’ll break down the door!” he shouted. He hoped the Bumblestumps had paid heed to the quiet warning they’d received the night before.

  When no one came to the door, Bextor gestured to his troops. They had taken well to their role as would-be Slayers, some of them a little too well.
Two of them in particular, Merfdel and Curdweed, were virulent hob-haters and had gone so far in their orc-worship as to brand the Slayer’s claw on their left arms. The two goblins eagerly leaped forward and began smashing their makeshift ram against the door. Three-four-five blows, and the door splintered inwards. Merfdel and Curdweed rushed in immediately, howling like battle-mad orcs, and were followed rather less enthusiastically by the rest of the patrol.

  Bextor sighed, drew his sword, and entered. It was a small house, and he knew the fruitless search would not take long.

  Sure enough, it was only a short while before Curdweed, looking very disappointed, appeared and gave his report. “I can smell them, sir, but the scent is fading. They were here, though, I’m sure of it. Shall we arrest the Bumblestumps when they return?”

  “No, there’s no need for that. I’ll speak with them myself.” He tapped the side of his blade meaningfully. “There are other ways to teach them a lesson they will not forget, the dirty koblovers!”

  Curdweed smiled admiringly, exposing sharp yellow teeth.

  “I’ll bet you’ll do just that, Lieutenant, sir!”

  Shows what you know, you swampbrained idiot. Bextor had half a mind to punch the wretched goblin right in his smirking face but he restrained himself and instead slapped his sword against his leather-clad shin.

  “Right you are, Curdie. Right you are!”

  • • •

  Despite almost three moons of success at leading the great hoblet-hunt astray, Bextor knew he could not afford to relax. He was treading in quicksand, and a slip at any moment might cost not only his life, but the lives of every goblin and hoblet in Wiccam Fensboro. In spite of his efforts, two more hoblets had been discovered, and the town jail was already full of goblins who had fallen afoul of the martial law that was imposed following the mayor’s arrest.

  The town was full of dark whispers of imminent executions and unspeakable feasts if the remaining hoblets were not found soon, and more and more alarmed goblins were slipping away into the deep fens to wait out the orcish occupation.

  The bad humor of the orcs was understandable. The war was reportedly going poorly, so much so that the Troll King was now boasting the name Goblinsbane. Twenty thousand goblins had been lost in a battle at the River Ouze, and another fifteen thousand were captured when Mulguth the Mighty cunningly slipped his army past the great goblin fortress of Ummur. Surrounded and short of supplies, Ummur itself had fallen two weeks later. Mulguth was now merely eighty leagues north of Wiccam Fensboro, and it was only a matter of days before the Red Claw Slayers would be ordered back to the front lines.

  We can survive until they leave, thought Bextor. Surely they must go soon! He was overseeing two lines of his archers as they practiced a rapid fire drill, and the results were satisfyingly awful. Barely one shaft in twenty hit the giant butts despite the hail of arrows flying more or less towards them. The butts were scarcely thirty paces away, and a more useless troop of missileers would be difficult to imagine.

  He swallowed his smile, though, when he realized Vergalvebel Bonecracker was staring at him. The non-commissioned officer had a calculating look on his bestial face, which was worrisome since Bonecracker was clearly the most intelligent orc on Sangrul’s staff. He was the one who had discovered the tax rolls, and although the grun-kor had no difficulty believing Bextor’s story of goblin incompetence, the vergalvebel still seemed to harbor some reservations.

  “We’re getting better, Vergalvebel, don’t you think?” Bextor shouted at the orc, giving him a cheerful thumbs up.

  But the black-armored orc did not respond, did not so much as roll his eyes. He only rubbed thoughtfully at the twisted scar that gave an evil cast to his left eye.

  “Report to the grun-kor when you done,” he grunted menacingly then stalked away.

  Well, that went well, thought Bextor sarcastically, wondering if one of the rotters from the sweep patrol had finally figured out what he was doing and turned him in. He scratched at the raised claw on his left arm. The brand itched from time to time. He hoped it wasn’t an ill omen.

  But the summons was merely a routine one that required his signature on scroll after scroll of ratskin. At least, he hoped it was only ratskin. Those strange blue boots of Skullsplitter had turned out to be made from flayed troll, of all things. Bextor had never imagined that orcs might be literate, much less so scrupulously organized, but according to the grun-kor, Gwarzul had imposed a whole host of bureaucratic innovations on his barbaric tribal warriors. None were popular with the Red Claws, but while they grumbled about them, they complied.

  He had learned to respect the Slayers, though the more he learned about them, the more he loathed them too. Fearing them, of course, was always easy. Although he was required to be in their presence almost every day, he never got used to it and usually found himself shaking badly once he was safely away. He imagined the constant stress was lopping moons off his lifespan.

  The shaking had just worn off following his latest escape from orcish company when he heard someone calling his name. “Bextor? Bextor… Bextor!”

  It was his brother, and his voice sounded frantic. Bextor quickly dropped the whetstone with which he was sharpening his sword and rushed outside with the naked blade in his hand.

  “I’m over here,” he called out as Wiltor ran past the large straw-and-mud hut that served as the temporary barracks for the town militia. Skullsplitter had ordered the entire goblin militia to move from their homes and begin learning formal military discipline, although Bextor had ensured that they had done little more than start. “Behind you!”

  Wiltor nearly toppled over as he attempted to stop on the rain-softened ground. Bextor would have laughed, except for the worried look in his yellow eyes.

  “You’d better come, right now! They’re on the campus! Hurry!”

  “What? At the college? Who?”

  “Orcs. Two of them. One of them is that mean, ugly one.”

  “That helps.”

  “Shut up! I’m talking about the clever one, the officer. I don’t remember his name, but he’s got a scar across his left eye.”

  Bonecracker. It must be Bonecracker. That couldn’t be good. Since Bonecracker had been the one to call him away from drill, he’d known that Bextor would be busy signing forms for a while. “The vergalvebel?”

  “I think so. I don’t know what he’s up to, but he’s been in the library for more than an hour. I came as soon as I heard. He’s looking for something.”

  “I’ll bet he is.” Bextor whistled for Upo as he sheathed his sword. “Sergeant Muckwoggle is inside. Tell him to find ten good goblins who can keep their mouths shut and bring them to the college, as fast as you can.”

  Upo loped up to him and cocked his head curiously.

  “What are you going to do?” Wiltor asked anxiously.

  Bextor mounted the wolf and checked to see if his bow was still there. It was, thank Umm and his sixteen mudwives.

  “Stop him, somehow. If I don’t, the game is up. And if I know the grun-kor, he’ll kill every last goblin in this town!”

  • • •

  The library was toward the back of the college, and Bextor rode Upo around the low wooden buildings at top speed. The big wolf nearly trampled a bewildered young hupu-in-training, but Bextor didn’t spare the poor goblin a moment’s notice. He was too busy scanning the area for orcs or any sign that the hoblets hidden nearby had already been discovered.

  But the sight that greeted him upon his arrival at the doors of the library assured him that he was not too late. Wuler Stillbog, the head librarian, was seated on the front steps, moaning and holding what appeared to be a dislocated jaw. His two assistants stood nearby, showing similar signs of ill treatment.

  “Don’t go in der, Bekkor,” Wuler warned him with some difficulty. “Dey’re still inside.”

  “How many?”

  “Two, but you can’t—”

  Bextor ignored the injured librarian’s protests and sli
pped his bow from the saddle. He nocked an arrow and made a clicking sound with his mouth, ordering Upo to follow at heel. With the big wolf at his side, he cautiously entered the building. He made his way quietly through the first two rooms, then two more, following the scent of orcstink, which, more than the trial of upended shelves and dispersed scrolls, marked the path of his quarry.

  Upo growled at the sight of the two orcs leaning over a table. Their powerful frames seemed to fill the small room on the east side of the library. They turned around at the sound, and Bonecracker grinned evilly as he recognized Bextor, standing at the entrance on the far side of the room.

  “You think you fool me, puny gob?” The orc’s fleshy green face jiggled as he bellowed. He displayed a large scrap of torn ratskin in front of him. “You damn gobs be stinking little beasts, yar, but not so swamp-rot as you want we think!”

  “It was the best I could do on short notice, Vergalvebel.”

  “Me knew you protecting dose damn kobs! Eighty stinkers! Where they be, Drun Fenwick? You hiding them, dirty koblover! Me knew it! You be the traitor, and you never be thinking to smoke out no kobbers with those stupid damn patrols!”

  “As you say, Vergalvebel.” Bextor drew back his bowstring and sighted the shaft. “But you should have left well enough alone. Another week or two, and you’d have been safely on your way to a clean death in battle.”

  The huge orc scoffed, and his yellow eyes grew hard as he drew a dagger from his belt and effortlessly picked up a nearby table to serve as a large shield for his body. “Me seen you shoot, goblin. You can’t hit no troll at ten steps with that.”

  “By the stinking muck of Reekmire, but you orcs really are astonishingly stupid.” Bextor released the string, and the Slayer shrieked as the arrow took him cleanly in the eye.

  The big orc fell backward, his huge body shattering the wooden table over which he’d been leaning. Before he hit the floor, Bextor already had another arrow nocked.