A Shining Light

by Judith Miller

  Sister Erma marched around the room like a commander leading a military unit. “Be careful you leave head space in those jars, Sister Greta. And use the wooden spoon handle to make sure you release any air before you put the lids on.” She waved at Sister Margaret, who had been enlisted to help with the canning. “Make sure the water is boiling in the canner. Sister Andrea, those beans have been washed enough—get them into the hot water to blanch or we will be here all night.”

  By the time we’d completed packing and canning the green beans, I didn’t think any of us would have enough energy to cook supper. The jars sat in neat rows, a testament to our hard work and a declaration of what lay ahead—a hot summer of canning and preserving the garden’s bounty.

  “What about supper, Sister Erma? Do we need to begin preparations?” Using the corner of her apron, Sister Margaret wiped the perspiration from her forehead.

  “Ja.” Sister Erma bobbed her head. “Slice off some ham, and I’ll scramble eggs. There’s applesauce. And we’ll cream some potatoes. It won’t take long.”

  I turned toward the back door. “I’ll go outside and peel the potatoes.”

  “I’ll get the eggs and milk.” Sister Greta followed close on my heels.

  Sister Erma perched her hands on her ample hips. “And I will stay in here with Sister Margaret and clean up the kitchen.”

  Both of us rushed outside before she could change her mind.

  That evening several of us walked to the pond. Lukas ran ahead with Peter while the adults followed behind.

  Dirk stepped to my side as we moved along the narrow path toward the water’s edge. “I am pleased you made it through your first day of canning vegetables in Sister Erma’s Küche.”

  Together, we spread a quilt on the soft grass beneath the branches of a leafy red oak. “There were times this afternoon when I wasn’t sure I would.” I sat down on the blanket and waited until he dropped beside me. “To be honest, I’m not looking forward to tomorrow. Sister Erma thinks we can do even more tomorrow. I’m not so sure.” I glanced toward the water. “Lukas! Not so close to the edge.”

  “The water level is down in the pond,” Dirk said. “I don’t think you need to worry too much.” He scooted closer and grinned. “I have a better view of him if I sit a little closer.”

  “What do you think the elders would say if they saw you sitting so close to me?”

  “I cannot say for sure, but they would probably be worried that you will convince me to leave the colonies.” Keeping his gaze fixed on me, he leaned against the trunk of the tree.

  “And would you? Ever leave the colonies?” I arched my brows and waited for his answer.

  “Nein. I do not think I would ever leave here. I am not so gut with change.” He yanked a piece of grass from the ground and threaded it through his fingers. “Does it make you sad or angry to hear me say I don’t want to live elsewhere?”

  “No, but I think if you truly wanted to live somewhere else, you would adapt to the necessary changes. I never thought I could live in a tenement house in Baltimore, but I did. And I honestly wasn’t certain I could become accustomed to living here, but I have.”

  He laced his fingers through mine and a shiver raced up my arm.

  “It pleases me to hear you say you have become accustomed to living here. More than anything, it is my hope that you and Lukas will want to stay and that one day we might become a family. I know I should not be speaking of these things, but I can no longer hold them inside. I hope I have not offended you.”

  My heart quickened. “You have not offended me.” I swallowed hard, wondering if I should tell him that my feelings for him had intensified throughout the past months. To say such things would be unseemly and yet . . .

  “Sister Andrea! Sister Andrea!”

  Dirk jumped up and trotted toward the path. “Someone is coming from the village.”

  Moments later, a teenage boy I recognized as one who ate in our Küche appeared on the path. “Brother Bosch says you need to come to the doctor’s office, Sister Andrea. He said you should come right now.” The boy turned to leave.

  “Wait! Why do I need to go to the doctor’s office?”

  The boy stopped and glanced over his shoulder. “I do not know, but I think you should hurry.”

  Fear gripped my heart. What could be so urgent? Lukas was right here with me, and I could see that he was fine. Why would the doctor need to see me? I swallowed hard. Had Sister Erma suffered an accident? Dirk placed his arm around my shoulder to steady me before he called Lukas.

  As the boy hurried toward us, Dirk squeezed my shoulder. “We’ll go together. Everything will be fine.”

  Chapter 11

  Never before had the distance between the pond and the village seemed so far. I attempted to hasten my step, but my feet had a will of their own. And Lukas, upset by our early departure, cooperated even less than my feet.

  When I tugged on his hand, he pulled away and stopped. “I want to stay with Peter. I can come back with Sister Greta and the others.”

  “Stop arguing, Lukas. I’m not leaving you behind. I’ve explained that we need to hurry. Now please come along.” My frustration mounted when he didn’t heed my command. He crossed his arms over his chest, glared at me, and jutted out his lower lip.

  Dirk placed his hand on the boy’s shoulder. “Lukas, it is important you do what your Mutter asks. Growing into a gut man means that you must sometimes put aside your own wishes and do as others ask. It also means that you do what you are told by your elders.”

  Lukas’s shoulders slumped and his head hung forward until his dimpled chin touched his chest.

  Dirk stooped down so that they were eye to eye. “There will be other times when you can play. Your Mutter has told you it is important for her to go back to the village, so you should not detain her. Such behavior only makes it more difficult for her.” Dirk stood and extended his hand. “We will go now, ja?”

  Lukas looked up and bobbed his head. “Yes.” He trotted to my side. “I’m sorry, Mama.”

  “Your apology is accepted, Lukas. Now let’s hurry.”

  As we rushed on, the dry grass and twigs crunched beneath our feet, and I inhaled the perfumed scents of summer. By the time we arrived at the edge of town, the lower half of a carrot-colored sun had descended in the western sky.

  Lukas remained close on our heels as we stepped onto the wooden sidewalk and continued toward Dr. Karr’s office. Perspiration trickled down my neck, and my stomach tightened when we arrived at the office door. I inhaled a deep breath before pushing down on the heavy metal latch. My nerves were frayed, and I startled when the bell overtop the door jangled to announce our presence.

  The doctor appeared in the doorway between his office and the small waiting room and flashed a quick glance among the three of us. He crossed the room and stopped in front of Dirk.

  “I think it would be best if you left, Brother Dirk.” The doctor had lowered his voice to a whisper.

  Dirk looked at me, and I didn’t miss the concern in his eyes. “I told Sister Andrea I would stay with her. Has something happened to Sister Erma?”

  The doctor ran his fingers through his untamed thatch of gray hair. “Nein. A relative of Sister Andrea has arrived. He is ill and wishes to see her.”

  Excitement bubbled deep within and I gasped. “My father? He’s alive?” I rushed past the doctor, but before I stepped into the room, I stopped short.

  “Hello, Andrea.”

  Dread and alarm replaced my excitement. I swayed, unable to believe my eyes. “Fred? Is that really you?” Worried I might faint, I leaned heavily against the thick doorframe and stared at the figure lying on the cot.

  “A course it’s me. Who’d ya think you was comin’ to find?” His jaw was covered in thick whiskers, and his cheeks sunk inward like hollow bowls. Dark circles rimmed his eyes and his dark hair was matted and unkempt. “You ain’t lookin’ too happy to see me, but I ’spect that’s cause you’re surprised. Come close
r.”

  When I didn’t move, he gestured me forward. His once muscular body had wasted away. All that remained was an emaciated frame and his sunken, angry eyes. I moved a few steps, but not close enough that he could grab me.

  “Mr. Brighton told me you were dead. I questioned him at length, and he assured me there was no chance you were alive.” I had hoped to sound strong, but my voice quivered.

  He’d sensed my fear and his lips curled in a cunning smile—the one he had always flashed at me when I hadn’t obeyed him. The one that always preceded a blow to the cheek or arm. He enjoyed seeing my fear. “Come on over to the bed, Andrea. You can see I ain’t strong enough to get up.”

  I couldn’t deny he looked weak. Truth be told, he looked like he was knocking at death’s door. But I’d lived with Fred for too many years, and I’d endured too many of his tricks and mean ways to trust him or anything he said. “If you’re so weak, how did you make the trip from Baltimore to Iowa?”

  “Ya haven’t changed a bit, have ya, woman? Still haven’t learned to respect yer husband.” Before I could answer, his eyes darted to the doorway. “Is that my son hidin’ over there behind his mama’s skirts?” Fred scooted a bit higher on the bed and lifted his gaze. “And who are you?” His eyes glistened with suspicion.

  I turned to see Dirk standing beside Lukas. He nodded at Fred. “I am Dirk Knefler, the tinsmith here in West Amana, and a friend of Sister Andrea and Lukas.”

  “Sister Andrea!” A hacking cough followed Fred’s harsh laughter. When he finally regained his breath, he glared at Dirk. “She ain’t nobody’s sister. This here’s my wife and that’s my boy hangin’ on to yer hand.” He crooked his index finger. “C’mere, Lukas, boy.”

  Terror shone in the boy’s eyes and he took a backward step. I nodded toward the waiting room. “You go in there with Brother Dirk. I want to talk to your father alone.”

  “Don’t you be tellin’ him to go in there when I already told him to come here.” Fred’s harsh reprimand was followed by another coughing spell. Ignoring him, I escorted Lukas and Dirk to the other room.

  I glanced over my shoulder before stepping close to Dirk’s side. “Would you take Lukas back to Sister Erma at the kitchen house? Tell her what has happened and ask if she will look after Lukas until I return home. Fred and I need to talk. It will be better this way.”

  Deep lines furrowed Dirk’s brow. “Do you feel safe to be alone with him?”

  “I think he is too weak to move out of the bed. Besides, I know to keep my distance, and Dr. Karr will be in his rooms. I’ll call for him if I feel threatened in any way.”

  Dirk nodded. “I have so many questions to ask, but I know this is not the time.” Sadness filled his eyes, but he smiled at Lukas. “Let’s go back to the Küche and see if Sister Erma has any more of that gut coffee cake we had for dessert.”

  Lukas started for the door, then hesitated and gestured to me. “Why did he come back, Mama? He’s going to spoil everything. I thought you said he was dead. Why did you lie to me?” He’d been careful to keep his voice low, and I was thankful Fred hadn’t heard him.

  I stooped down to face him, my heart breaking. Most children would be thrilled to have their father suddenly reappear. So would most wives. But that wasn’t true for Lukas, and it wasn’t true for me. My son was right. Fred was going to ruin everything. I shivered at the thought.

  “I didn’t lie, Lukas. That’s what Mr. Brighton told me. After I talk to your father, I’ll know more about what happened. You go on now.” I leaned forward and kissed his cheek. “Everything is going to be fine. I promise.”

  I wasn’t positive everything would be fine, but I would do everything in my power to protect my son from Fred’s temper. I waited until Dirk and Lukas departed before I returned to the other room. I carried a straight-backed chair and placed it across from the bed—far enough that Fred couldn’t reach me, but close enough that I could see his eyes. Mama had always said the eye was the window to the soul, and I’d learned to watch Fred’s eyes during our years of marriage.

  Fred looked toward the door. “Where’s the boy?”

  “I sent him back to the house where we live. He needs his sleep. He has school tomorrow.”

  “School? You’re lyin’ to me. It’s the middle of summer. There ain’t no school this time of year. You ain’t foolin’ me, Andrea. I know your tricks. You think you’re gonna keep him away from me.”

  “I’m not lying. The school remains open all year here in the colonies. If you don’t believe me, you can ask the doctor.” I stood, but he waved me back to my chair.

  “There’s time enough to find out about school, but I ain’t happy about ya disobeyin’ me. I said I wanted to see the boy.”

  I sat down in the chair and inhaled a cleansing breath. “I think the two of us need to talk in private before you visit with Lukas. I have a lot of questions.”

  “Yeah? Well, I have a lot of my own questions, like where’s the money Mr. Brighton gave you?” He fell back against the pillows. “And don’t lie to me. I know he gave you that money from the widows’ fund.”

  Disgust and anger welled up inside me until I thought it would boil over. Instead of concern over how we’d managed to survive during the many months since he’d disappeared, Fred was only worried about the money I’d received from the widows’ fund.

  “How do you think I paid for train fare and food to travel from Baltimore, Fred? When I arrived in Iowa, I didn’t even have enough money to pay for a hotel room. Had it not been for the kindness of the colonists, we would have been sleeping in a barn.” I inhaled a breath and leaned forward. “You said I haven’t changed, but I have. You’re the one who hasn’t changed, Fred. You still think only of yourself.”

  “You’re feelin’ mighty brave while you got these folks to protect ya and I’m not able to get out of this here bed, but that’s all gonna change soon as I get well.” Perspiration dripped from his forehead, yet he yanked a blanket tight to his neck and shivered.

  No matter how ill he might be, Fred hadn’t forgotten how to intimidate and threaten.

  He waved toward the door. “That doctor told me your father’s place was burned out and he died in the fire. That true?”

  “Yes. Now that I answered one of your questions, I’d like to know how you found me. How did you get here when you’re so sick?”

  “I traveled by train and wagon, same as anyone else coming from the East. ’Course I had to depend on good-hearted strangers to lend me a hand. Lots of folks took pity on me. All ya gotta do is give ’em a sob story, and they can’t do enough to help ya.” He shifted his head on the pillow. “On the other hand, them train conductors expect ya to give ’em something extra for their help. I wasn’t about to give any of them the little money I had left. Once I got to Marengo I hired a wagon and driver, but when we were almost to the farm, I was in such pain I was out of my head, and the driver brought me to the doc’s office here in West.” His lips curved in a cruel grin. “Now wasn’t that a stroke of luck?”

  I opened my mouth to comment, but he narrowed his eyes and gave me a warning look. From past experience, I knew I best not interrupt. Even in his weakened condition, I feared him.

  “’Sides, I knew you’d come back to your pa’s farm. Where else would ya go? I was determined to find ya, ’cause I’m gonna need to be cared for. You’re my wife, Andrea. You got an obligation to me. I come down with malaria while I was away.” He pointed to his legs, which were covered by a crisp white sheet. “My leg got broke and ain’t healed right, and I have a gash in my side that has some sort of infection. If ya don’t believe me, you can ask the doctor.”

  His story didn’t explain the fact that another sailor saw him washed overboard, but I knew he would grow angry if I peppered him with questions. Nevertheless, if he expected to gain my sympathy, a list of his ailments wouldn’t be enough. “If you’ve come back thinking I can support you, you’re wrong.”

  “You can sell the farm. Don’t matt
er if the house burned. The land is worth a lot of money, and I ain’t ever gonna be able to farm again.”

  There was no end to his self-serving behavior. “My father sold the land years ago, Fred. There’s no land and no money. You came back here for nothing.”

  He clenched his jaw and pinned me with a hard glare. “I don’t believe you.”

  I shrugged. “It doesn’t matter what you believe. It’s the truth.” Though I didn’t relish the thought of explaining all that happened since leaving Baltimore, I decided it would be easier simply to detail our experience rather than submit to Fred’s interrogation.

  When I finished, he rubbed his palm against his whiskered jaw. “So ya been living here with these fanatics ever since ya left Baltimore?”

  “They aren’t fanatics. They are good Christian people who saved us when all was lost. Their help and encouragement provided the shining light Lukas and I needed—and continue to need.”

  “Shining light? Well, I’m here now, so you can ferget about any shining light coming yer way.” He sneered at me. “Yer my wife and we’re gonna find out more about the farm. I think there’s something fishy about them owning your father’s land. We can probably prove your father never signed the deed. I bet they forged it. He wouldn’t have sold it to these people. I won’t believe it.”

  “It doesn’t matter what you believe, Fred. He sold the land, and it’s legally a part of the land holdings of the Amana Society. I told you the money is gone.”

  He shook his head. “I’m not willin’ to accept that. Soon as I’m well enough, we’re gonna find that money and then head west.” He motioned to his leg. “Ain’t never gonna be able to return to sea, so headin’ west and gettin’ a fresh start makes good sense. I hear there’s lots of money to be made out there.”

  I stared at him, unable to believe my ears. He must have been delusional. Did he truly believe what he was saying? Maybe I should let him believe he’d find the money and I’d leave with him. Right now I didn’t have the energy to argue. I felt like I was spinning in a whirlwind. I had a husband once again. I’d made vows to honor this man, but how could I? I needed time to think. I needed time to pray. I needed God’s help.