Shooting Straight: Guns, Gays, God, and George Clooney

by Morgan, Piers

  And most of the reaction was strongly supportive.

  The viewers are loving me tearing into these gun nuts. And that’s because hardly any news anchor has ever done this on American television.

  ‘I don’t want to curb your passion, or anger,’ Jonathan added. ‘Just don’t be rude to them, don’t call them stupid.’

  ‘All right, all right … I’ll call them idiots.’

  Jonathan sat back in his chair and sighed.

  Earl Brien, an L.A. surgeon I met at a recent lunch party, emailed me after watching the show.

  ‘Piers, you are spot-on regarding military weapons. I have seen over ten thousand gunshot wounds in my orthopaedic career and treated thousands of patients with both low- and high-energy gunshot wounds. The degree of destruction and devastation between handguns compared to assault weapons are so dramatic, there is no reason why any individual (other than law enforcement and militia) should have the right to own military weapons such as the AR-15. In South Central Los Angeles we would see multiple victims of military assault rifles in what the gang bangers termed “AK spray downs”. If such a bullet hit the bone, massive bone and soft tissue loss ensued. Entrance wounds were five millimetres to ten millimetres and exit wounds could be up to ten centimetres to fifteen centimetres.

  ‘Many of the gunshot deaths are crime on crime, but I have seen hundreds of innocent women, men and children killed or maimed by stray bullets as well. It is unbelievable that it takes mass murders by deranged shooters to get our politicians off their asses to address such an obvious issue that has spiralled out of control. It is not enough that many of our citizens living in lower socio-economic regions where gangs are prevalent are held hostage in their own houses and their children are at risk while sleeping in their own beds to make such important changes. We cannot turn back the clock and eliminate nearly three hundred million guns in our country because the bad guys would have no restraint, however a reasonable, thoughtful approach to our Second Amendment rights must follow. Unfortunately these tragedies often have multiple components to them, and isolating the argument to military arsenal shortchanges the complexity of the problem: mental illness, violent video game addiction, childhood isolation, parental denial. But it is a good starting point.’

  Earl’s grandfather was Earl Warren, the fourteenth chief justice of the United States.

  WEDNESDAY, 19 DECEMBER 2012

  Another fiery live town hall show tonight about guns.

  We invited John R. Lott back, and he and I soon got into another heated debate, this time over the specific power of an AR-15 rifle.

  ‘How many bullets can it fire a second?’ I asked him repeatedly.

  And he repeatedly fudged his answer.

  I knew why. Every expert I’ve now spoken to says that the AR-15, with some simple, inexpensive modifications, can fire up to six rounds a second, even in semi-automatic mode. And that’s what the gun lobbyists are desperate to keep quiet, because it’s their biggest-selling rifle.

  During our last commercial break, various relatives of mass shooting victims who were also in the audience turned on Lott, and the atmosphere became extremely tense and volatile.

  He tried to argue with them, but his whole ‘the only answer is more guns’ is so disgustingly offensive to people who’ve seen loved ones shot that he never stood a chance.

  I liked watching him squirm. I just wish we’d been on air at the time.

  After the show, a gun rights supporter started a Twitter hashtag called #piersmorganmovies – which was designed to be a tribute from firearm fans to both my general awfulness and my specific British awfulness.

  Standout contributions included ‘No Country for Whiny British Men’; ‘Rebel without a Clue’; ‘The Good, the Bad, and the Real Frickin’ Ugly’; ‘Careerfall’; ‘America’s Just Not That into You’; and ‘I am Bellend’.

  Finally got home at midnight and saw a tweet from Rosie O’Donnell: ‘U are doing a great job, Piers – carry on – we need your voice – stay strong loud and accurate – bravo. #guncontrol.’

  THURSDAY, 20 DECEMBER 2012

  It’s been a long, draining six days since the Sandy Hook massacre.

  As we learn more about the short lives of these sweet little children, so the anger grows.

  This afternoon, I interviewed a man called Neil Heslin, who lost his only son, Jesse.

  ‘Jesse was my son,’ he said, ‘but he was also my best friend and my buddy too, and I’m just really lost for words.’

  He stopped talking for a few seconds, his face etched in torment.

  ‘We did everything together. And he had so many favourite spots where we’d go: the diner in town, the grocery store, a bagel or muffin in the morning. The Misty Vale deli where he’d go to get his sandwich in the morning, also before school, and his snack …’

  His eyes filled with tears and he stopped talking again.

  ‘I’m lost for words.’

  Silence.

  ‘My little boy said something to me the night before. He said, “Dad, this is going to be the best Christmas ever.” And he was going on about it and I said, “Jesse, we’ll make it the best we can.”

  ‘I don’t have much family. So it’s kind of a quiet time for me. And he makes – made – Christmas happy for me and joyful and he made it what it was. And the next day this tragedy happened, I thought to myself, “Boy, was he wrong about that.”’

  Silence.

  Neil looked down, tears falling freely down his face.

  ‘You know, he was right in a way. It is going to be a good Christmas, because it brings back the true meaning of Christmas. Him and I had this talk, what it was about. It’s about giving and not receiving, and it’s about helping, reaching out to others. That’s what everybody in the world has done with this tragedy, and they’ve come together and they are looking to help and provide support and they’ve done that for me. And I just want to thank everybody. It just doesn’t change my … loss or my … my …’

  Silence.

  ‘You know, my little boy is never going to come back.’

  I was glad to go to a commercial break, because I wanted to cry with him.

  Tonight it was our own Piers Morgan Tonight staff Christmas party. We thought about cancelling it, but everyone’s worked so hard this year, and in the last week in particular, that I wanted us all to have a night where we could come together, have a few drinks and relax a bit.

  But I was so tired, and drank way too much, way too fast.

  The last thing I remember is sitting down in a chair inside the bar sometime around 10.30 p.m.

  FRIDAY, 21 DECEMBER 2012

  ‘What happened last night?’ asked Celia when I woke.

  Never a good question from one’s wife after an office Christmas party. Particularly so when I have no memory at all of getting home.

  ‘Er, why do you ask?’

  ‘Because you were home by 11.15 p.m., about five hours before you normally return from these things.’

  ‘I was?’

  ‘You were, and you fell over when you tried coming to bed.’

  I emailed Jonathan.

  ‘I have no memory of leaving last night other than it must have been surprisingly early. Can you enlighten me?’

  ‘Thought that might be the case,’ he replied. ‘You were quite wobbly so we got you in a car.’

  ‘Ah, I see. Did I actually fall over? I did when I got home apparently.’

  ‘It was more of a slump/lean. Cross-eyed.’

  ‘Well, it’s been a long old year!’ I wrote. ‘Did everyone enjoy themselves?’

  ‘Yes, it was a blast. There was apparently a stretch limo to karaoke.’

  ‘Excellent. They’re a good bunch.’

  ‘The best,’ he emailed back.

  Later, NRA chief Wayne LaPierre gave a bizarre, ranting press conference, reiterating his belief that ‘the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun’.

  Which, taken to its logical conclusion,
means every single person in America needs to be armed. Because they are all either good guys or bad guys, and it’s always High Noon.

  Alex Jones politely explains to me that 1776 will commence again if I try and take away his guns.

  CHAPTER 11

  SATURDAY, 22 DECEMBER 2012

  A petition has been launched on the official White House website to have me thrown out of America. It’s been posted by an organisation called InfoWars, led by an extreme right-wing radio host called Alex Jones.

  Entitled ‘Deport British Citizen Piers Morgan for Attacking Second Amendment’, it states: ‘British Citizen and CNN television host Piers Morgan is engaged in a hostile attack against the US Constitution by targeting the Second Amendment. We demand that Mr. Morgan be deported immediately for his effort to undermine the Bill of Rights and for exploiting his position as a national network television host to stage attacks against the rights of American citizens.’

  I asked John if this could actually be successful.

  ‘Well, they tried to deport John Lennon, but failed,’ he said, encouragingly. ‘Mind you, he did write “Imagine”.’

  MONDAY, 24 DECEMBER 2012

  The petition has passed the twenty-five-thousand-signature mark required to compel the White House to make a formal response. In fact, by noon today it had reached thirty-one thousand. And by midnight, over fifty thousand.

  The irony, of course, being that by demanding that I am deported, these gun rights campaigners are attacking my own First Amendment right to free speech.

  I am a US resident, so covered by the same constitutional rights as any American.

  To understand why they want me thrown out, look no further than the revelation today that Brownells, one of America’s largest sellers of gun supplies, sold more than three years’ worth of inventory in three days following the Sandy Hook massacre.

  WEDNESDAY, 26 DECEMBER 2012

  A second petition has now sprung up, again on the White House website, from a British man. It reads: ‘We want to keep Piers Morgan in the USA. There are two very good reasons for this. First, the First Amendment. Second, and the more important point, no one in the UK wants him back. Actually there is a third. It will be hilarious to see how loads of angry Americans react.’

  This instantly began attracting thousands of signatures too.

  At this rate, I’ll have to be dropped off somewhere in the mid-Atlantic.

  THURSDAY, 27 DECEMBER 2012

  The US petition has soared to eighty thousand signatures, and is now sparking fear and panic in Britain.

  ‘Americans,’ said Top Gear host Jeremy Clarkson, ‘it took us forty years to get rid of Piers Morgan. Please don’t send him back.’

  Michael Moore countered with: ‘So sad that the host on American TV to speak out the loudest against this madness is not one of us, but a Brit.’

  WEDNESDAY, 2 JANUARY 2013

  We’ve been trying to book Michael Bloomberg again for my first show back on Monday.

  Today, his office responded: ‘Mayor Bloomberg regretfully can’t do the show Monday, but he will offer Piers asylum in NYC should the need arise.’

  THURSDAY, 3 JANUARY 2013

  The cable news ratings have been published for 2012, and Piers Morgan Tonight was the highest-rated show on CNN for the year in total viewers.

  I’m very proud of the team, and told them so today.

  FRIDAY, 4 JANUARY 2013

  The petition to have me deported has passed a hundred thousand signatures, and is now getting media attention all over the world.

  The White House, having promised to respond to all petitions on its site that got over twenty-five thousand signatures, will have to say something.

  Question is, what?

  SUNDAY, 6 JANUARY 2013

  I flew back into America tonight after a holiday, not entirely sure if I would actually be allowed back in.

  But as I nervously approached the immigration counter at Newark airport, feeling like that drug runner in Midnight Express, a burly, armed policeman spied me, smirked broadly and said: ‘Relax, Mr Morgan, we’re not going to deport you.’

  Jonathan rang in a state of high excitement.

  ‘We’ve booked Alex Jones for tomorrow.’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘The guy who started the petition …’

  I Googled Jones, and discovered a series of clips from his radio show that suggest he is a very noisy, and rather angry human being.

  This could get lively.

  MONDAY, 7 JANUARY 2013

  Alex Jones arrived just before we went live on air, and was already working himself into a fearful frenzy – stomping around my studio, sweating profusely and talking to himself like a UFC cage fighter seconds before a fight starts.

  I shook his hand, or rather the giant Texan paw he extended in my direction, and he laughed maniacally. ‘Ha-ha-ha, this is going to be gooooood.’

  ‘Well, I’m hoping we can have a proper debate,’ I replied.

  ‘Yes, yes, we’re going to have a proper debate all right,’ he sneered in a ludicrously over-the-top English accent.

  Well, I tried …

  ‘Why do you want me deported?’ I asked when the interview began. And off he went, ranting and raving like a gorilla at the zoo that’s just seen the morning bucket of bananas arrive.

  ‘Hitler took the guns, Stalin took the guns, Mao took the guns, Fidel Castro took the guns, Hugo Chavez took the guns. And I’m here to tell you, 1776 will commence again if you try and take our firearms!’

  ‘How many gun murders were there in Britain last year?’ I asked.

  His eyes almost popped out of their sockets.

  ‘How many great white sharks kill people every year but they’re scared to swim?’ he yelled.

  I persisted. ‘Let’s try again, how many gun murders were there in Britain last year?’

  ‘HOW MANY CHIMPANZEES CAN DANCE ON THE HEAD OF A PIN?’

  We went to a commercial break, and Jonathan chuckled in my ear. ‘You OK out there?’

  I nodded, as Jones continued to shout and scream at me, even though we were off air.

  ‘If this carries on,’ added Jonathan, ‘we’ll have to cut him off – he’s making no sense and refusing to answer your questions.’

  I shook my head vigorously, our prearranged sign for ‘don’t end this under any circumstances’.

  I sensed that Jones’s extraordinary behaviour was turning into a more powerful advocate for gun control than anything I could possibly say.

  I eventually wrapped it up after he informed me that President George W. Bush had deliberately caused 9/11 – then suggested we settle things next time in a boxing ring: ‘I’ll wear red, white and blue, you wear your Jolly Rogers!’

  Backstage, Jones continued to harangue my staff in an unhinged, explosive manner until he was led away into the streets of Manhattan by CNN security.

  He owns fifty guns – a comforting thought.

  Spencer, who’d stayed up to watch the show live in England, texted me: ‘Alex Jones. There are no words.’

  Jonathan was jubilant.

  ‘That was great! And so much better because you didn’t get angry, and you let the guy speak.’

  TUESDAY, 8 JANUARY 2013

  The White House has confirmed it will be responding to my deportation petition. ‘In the meantime,’ noted Jay Carney, the president’s press spokesman, ‘it is worth remembering that the freedom of expression is a bedrock principle in our democracy.’

  This sounds encouraging to me …

  WEDNESDAY, 9 JANUARY 2013

  The Jones interview has become a global internet sensation, trending on Twitter for two days, gaining millions of views on YouTube and sparking comment all over the world. Even better, Barack Obama has decided I can stay in America.

  Tonight, as I was on air, a formal White House response to the deportation petition, said:

  Let’s not let arguments over the Constitution’s Second Amendment violate the spirit of i
ts First. President Obama believes that the Second Amendment guarantees an individual right to bear arms. However, the Constitution not only guarantees an individual right to bear arms, but also enshrines the freedom of speech and the freedom of the press – fundamental principles that are essential to our democracy.

  Americans may disagree on matters of public policy and express those disagreements vigorously, but no one should be punished by the government simply because he or she expressed a view on the Second Amendment – or any other matter of public concern.

  Mark Kelly emailed: ‘Gabby [Giffords] and I are watching your show tonight. Congratulations on getting to stay in the US. We need you!’

  SATURDAY, 12 JANUARY 2013

  The NRA has reported a hundred thousand new members have joined since Sandy Hook.

  How depressing.

  MONDAY, 14 JANUARY 2013

  Tonight I appeared on Stephen Colbert’s late-night satirical show, The Colbert Report. He asked, ‘Have you any idea how it feels to have someone with your accent tell us how to lead our lives?’

  WEDNESDAY, 16 JANUARY 2013

  President Obama today announced dramatic, wide-ranging gun control proposals, including a new ban on assault weapons, a ban on high-capacity bullet magazines, universal background checks for all gun buyers and increased funding for mental health programmes.

  All the things, in fact, that I’ve been campaigning for on air.

  For all the vitriol that’s been poured on my ‘limey-ass’ British head by the likes of Alex Jones, this may go at least some way to try and stem the country’s gun carnage.

  And contrary to what some think, that’s been my only goal. Far from being ‘anti-American’, I’m actually so fond of them I want more of them to stay alive.

  But Obama now has to get these proposals passed by Congress, and that’s going to be a very hard task. I wouldn’t trust this particular Congress to pass wind when it comes to gun control.

  SUNDAY, 20 JANUARY 2013

  I’ve come to Washington for Obama’s inauguration.

  Tonight I was due to anchor a one-hour special live at 9 p.m.

  I left my hotel at 7.45 p.m. for the short journey to the makeshift open-air studio CNN had erected at the National Building Museum on the National Mall.