Ms. Landsford hung the medal around my neck, the gold ribbon holding the somewhat heavy medal as it glittered from the stage light.
I turned to bow my head before everyone, giving them a small smile as they clapped and continued to cheer.
My anxiety dimmed as my gaze swept around the room, most of the guys appearing pleased and happy for me.
"Jinn, would like to say anything?" Ms. Landsford asked.
"Sure," I replied, moving to the platform to speak. I took a quick glance at the front row; Kage, Nixon, and Logan raised their hands with thumbs up while Braxton and Maximus wore broad grins, their eyes focused on me with pride.
I couldn't help glance at Zane, my mind telling me I needed his acknowledgment like the others. Even though I'd yet to remember, he had a wide smile on his face as well. Our eyes locked and he slowly nodded, the action giving me the courage to speak.
"I never expected to be standing here...on a stage in front of my fellow peers. It's only been four months since I stepped onto Brighten's soil, and I've seen a lot of good. I've seen many of you do what a neighbor would do to help someone in need. I've seen kindness that led to friendship, and I've experienced the fun of get-togethers and parties that brought many of us together to celebrate different achievements throughout the semester." I paused and took a deep breath before I continued.
"However, I've also seen the downside. I've seen the competitive side of Brighten, and though I was warned when I arrived here, I never imagined the pressure, anxiety, workmanship, and sheer dedication that was required to be able to last the first semester. To me, when I think of first in anything, whether it's a class or a game, I assume it's supposed to be the easiest. Why? Because after that, it gets harder and more challenging since the weak are left behind, and the strong continue forward to the top."
I let my gaze travel the room as I spoke. "Being here for four months and starting the fifth month with a new semester, I know by looking at many of you, these next four months are going to be twice as hard. The person sitting next to you or your best friends and partners, may not be with you four months from now. It took Brighten's first semester for me to realize that."
I looked down at the medal around my neck. "As a student of Brighten for such a short time, I can only imagine the hardships many seniors have experienced. Regardless, we've all made it to this moment where I, someone who still needs to learn and grow, am taking a moment to elaborate on what we have to deal with as students. With that being said, don't you guys think we have enough on our plate?" I asked. Heads nodded, and a few people exchanged words.
"A few of you may know the history behind my surname. For those of you who don't, my cousin died on that tower. He died from the same events that I almost died from." I revealed, blinking my eyes in an attempt to compose myself.
Glancing around the room as I paused, I saw many of the guy's shocked and sympathetic expressions. "Maybe to a few people, a death in the family that isn't directly your mother, father, or sibling doesn't affect you. I'm here to tell you it does. Gabriel's death haunted me daily. When I closed my eyes to sleep, I wondered to myself, 'what could I have done to prevent his death?' Even though there was no way I could have been there for him as he plunged from the ledge, it haunted me. Even now, it still hurts."
Logan stared up at me with his guarded expression, his gold eyes showing his share of hurt.
"Bullying isn't a game. It's not something to laugh at or feel proud of. Every action we deliberately take against an individual out of spite, envy, or even jealousy, creates a step. The steps add up, building a staircase of self-doubt, insecurities, and hatred. That hate isn't 100% directed towards those who continue creating steps for the victim to climb on. No, it’s a fraction of the amount of hate that person harbors for themselves."
I lifted my head to look at my peers, the silence giving me enough strength to finish. "You won't be good enough. You'll never survive the challenges here. You’re this and that, a series of negative comments that bring your peers down rather than building them up. What's the end result? They reach the final step of the large staircase of insults they've taken, and now they have no courage left to continue climbing. They're tired, and no matter how much love is around them, it can't help them climb back down. So all they need is that final push, and they fall into despair. When someone explains it like that, does it make any of you happy?"
No one said a word, and I gave up on fighting the tears that threatened to fall. "Brighten Magic Academy is a place many of us have dreamed of graduating from. I think it's better for us to carry the load that this school delivers to us, rather than add more to each other's plates. I hope these new rules will end acts of hate and sometimes death because there is no way anyone can become a true Mage Warrior if they're fine with contributing to someone's death with words and insults. No one can enjoy the benefits of graduating from this school, when you can’t accept your own flaws, work on what you want to achieve, and build bonds with your classmates and friends, because who knows? Maybe one day the same person you pushed to the edge survives, graduates from here, and becomes the one who determines whether you live or die on a mission as a warrior." A few tears rolled down my cheeks as I concluded.
"Thank you." I moved away from the platform to bow before everyone, and when I rose up, everyone began to clap and stand up.
I didn't think my words would get a standing ovation, but it happened. Everyone stood cheering for me like I'd done something world-changing instead of the simple speech I created based on my feelings and honesty.
I turned to bow towards the three professors before heading to the back of the stage. I wasn't comfortable going back to my seat, especially when tears spilled from my eyes.
"The assembly is now over. Please enjoy the one week break that has been implemented thanks to Jinn's courageous efforts. Classes begin next Monday. You are all dismissed." Ms. Landsford gave a sharp nod and made a sweeping motion with her arm toward the exit.
I found a quiet corner that was a perfect hiding place thanks to the black curtain that was spread out, concealing me from anyone's eye.
I swiped my tears off my face as I tried to take calming breaths. Gabriel, I hope I made you proud. I really wish this ends the cycle.
Something soft stroked my short, red and black locks, encouraging me to look up. Braxton's green eyes glittered with a hint of gold.
"Brax..." I whispered.
"Seeing as Logan and Nixon were spending more time arguing over who'd come comfort you, I decided to be sneaky and volunteer." He matched his low pitch to mine.
I stared into his eyes, trying to think of something to say. Anything that could make it seem as if that speech and the acknowledgment that my guardian angel of a brother was finally gone hadn't affected me.
Nothing. No words came out. Instead, tears continued to roll down my cheeks, blurring the perfect image of Braxton's handsome face. I wanted so badly not to cry. I begged for the tears to evaporate rather than remain as evidence of weakness in front of Braxton.
As a female, if I cried I didn't feel guilty or bad for expressing my emotions. As a male, a type of stigma presided over boys and men that they couldn't cry, otherwise they were thought less of. But I couldn't contain my sadness and hurt. It felt as if Gabriel's death had happened yesterday, and the wound was raw and bleeding uncontrollably.
I tried to compose myself, to do anything to hide the shame I felt for shedding tears, but it was no use. Braxton, however, didn't look sorry for me. He was proud, and it left me even more confused and emotional as I cried.
He pulled me into a tight hug, patting my back as I sobbed into his blazer. "It's okay to cry, you know. Even men cry, and that's perfectly acceptable Jinn. Cry as much as you want. I'll be right here to hold you," Braxton whispered.
I did exactly that, crying for my brother who I knew within my heart was finally at peace. It would take a while before I finally took that step forward into a new mindset, but I realized with my boyfriends�
� comfort and love, I'd actually be able to accomplish it.
That thought alone would help me take the first new steps in this semester and all the challenges I knew were yet to come.
I stood up on the now forbidden tower, my eyes gazing around Brighten Academy as the sun began to descend.
My mind was having a hard time understanding why I was having this dream again, and a little part of me wondered if Gabriel had come back to comfort me.
"Sweetheart,"
I turned around, leaning my back against ledge wall as I looked at the man at the end of the hall. I could tell the person was wearing a dark red cloak; the hood covered their head as they began the agonizingly slow walk towards me.
"Gabriel?" I asked, hesitation in my voice as I cautiously watched the person get closer and closer to the light. I waited, feeling my heart pound against my chest, and I struggled to keep my breathing at an even pace.
The person finally walked out from the shadows, but I still couldn't tell who it was. They were tall like Gabriel once was, but something told me it wasn't him.
"Who are you?" I asked as they were footsteps away from me. I bit my lip, wishing that I could see the face that was hidden thanks to the hood the person wore. They stood before me, and I struggled to breathe as I watched a smile form on their face.
The smile wasn't scary, but my mind had seen it before. It was a loving smile that made my heart blossom with relief and happiness, yet I still couldn't identify who the person was.
"Protect those you cherish the most, Jewel. The clock is ticking, and it’s only a matter of time before those same selfish people come after you." The voice was deep, but I couldn't recognize it.
"Who is coming for me? When? Who are you?!" I snapped and reached out to pull the hood, but my body was pushed back into the brick wall that broke upon impact.
I gasped, my body slowly falling while my eyes trailed the windows of the tower, one level after another. I wasn't frightened by the fact I was falling to my death again.
I was terrified of the pair of silver eyes locked with mine for that split second and the sinister smile that formed on their dry, cracked lips. As I fell, I heard the words that escaped their lips.
"You're next, Jewel."
Next? Next in what?! Who is he?! WHO ARE YOU?! I tried to use magic to stop my fall, but each attempt failed. Crippling fear speared through my body like a shard of ice.
"No! NOOOO!" I screamed.
* * *
"JEWEL!"
I gasped, my eyes opening wide before I shot up. Logan and Nixon were both sitting and staring at me with worried expressions, but I wasn't concerned about that. I was more concerned with trying to breathe.
"Jewel, breathe. Look, you're safe." Logan tried to calm me down, but I shuffled myself to the end of the bunk bed, pressing my back against the wall as I tried to fill my lungs.
No. No. Where is he? Where is he?!
"Jewel." Nixon’s firm voice seemed to catch my attention for a second, somehow cutting through the chaos happening in my mind. "No one is here. I won't hurt you. Logan won't hurt you. But one of us needs to come over there and calm you down." He spoke slowly, trying to make sure I understood what he was saying.
* * *
"But...he. He'll come. He's after me. He'll hurt you. Yes. Hurt. Hurt..." I panted as tears rolled down my cheeks.
"Jewel, no one will hurt you. We're fine, see?" Nixon said raising his hands up. Logan followed his lead, and my fear lessened slightly. "We just want to help you, but you have to let us."
"Help...I need help...I think." I inhaled slowly, my mind still foggy from the dream. My eyes scanned once more around the dimmed top half of the room. From the corner of my eyes, I noticed the door open, but I knew it wasn't the man after me.
Nixon slowly crawled to me and lifted his hand near my face, but he didn't touch me. "I'm going to place my hand on your cheek. It won't hurt."
I took a few breaths before I was able to comprehend his statement, and I nodded my consent. He pressed his hand against my cheek, the cool touch grounding me and helping me to realize I wasn't in danger anymore.
"Do you know who I am now, Jewel?" Nixon asked.
"Nixon." I said his name on an exhale before sobs escaped me. "I was falling. Fuck. Falling like before. The tower. Gabriel...he wasn't there. I fell! I fell in his place. I...so scared." I cried, my body trembling. Nixon nodded and gently pulled me into his arms.
"You're not on the tower, Jewel. Remember, it's banned. No one is allowed to go there anymore. You're safe in your bedroom with us." Logan's calm voice broke through the sound of my weeping.
I nodded my head in Nixon's hold and tried to slow my breathing. My body felt cold, yet I was drenched in sweat, feeling as if I'd been exercising rather than sleeping.
"Just breathe, Jewel. Focus on breathing," Nixon urged. The room was quiet as I finally began to relax, my once loud sobs and panting turned to soft whimpers.
I felt exhausted now and just wanted to sleep, but I hated how drenched I was and wished to have a warm bath instead. Logan must have read my mind as he spoke. "Kage you there? Can you run a warm bath?"
"Sure," He replied, and I heard fading footsteps.
"Same dream?" I heard Maximus ask.
"Ya," Nixon answered. He hadn't stopped rubbing my back, the soothing motion really helping me remain relaxed as I closed my eyes.
"I think we should take her back home this week." Braxton's voice reached my ears, but I didn't open my eyes.
"I agree. She was recovering well before, but I think with the assembly and all the attention, Jewel isn’t getting the necessary rest. She needs a break before school starts," Maximus suggested.
"I'll talk with her when she's alert. I think it would be a good plan. Ms. Landsford said her therapy with Savannah would start on Monday, but going home to a familiar environment that isn't a trigger for her current nightmares may help," Logan explained.
"With school starting, she also needs to rest her magic."
It took me a few extra seconds to put the voice to the face, Zane's name coming to my mind. Of course, he bunked with Kage, but I hadn't seen him much.
"Jewel?" Nixon whispered.
I stirred at his call, wanting to lift my lids to see those black eyes, but my body was so drained. I just wanted to go back to sleep, but I was still conflicted about wanting a warm bath.
"Let her rest. She's probably mentally exhausted, and her panic must have added to her physical exhaustion. Can you move her to the ladder?" Braxton asked.
"Ya. Hold on," Nixon replied.
"Here. I'll hold her," Maximus offered.
I heard shuffling sounds, and I felt my body being moved from one person's hold to another as they lowered me into a third pair of arms.
"I can bathe her. You guys okay with that?" Braxton asked.
"No objections here," Maximus said.
"Sure. Use her favorite soap," Nixon urged.
"I'm fine with it. Just don't make the water too hot. She's still prone to seizures, and I know when we were young in summer, the heat would trigger them," Logan explained.
"Got it. Kage was suggesting earlier that you guys should sleep on the regular bed. At least until her nightmares cease or at least diminish," Braxton suggested.
"That's a good idea," Logan replied.
"We'll figure it out in the morning. Logan can stay with her in the regular bed tonight. I'll take the top bunk." Nixon stroked his thumb along my cheek as he spoke.
"I'll take the bottom," Braxton added.
"It can be three of us in the bed, you know." Logan’s voice held a hint of amusement.
"Let Kage stick around. At least he'll sleep. He's been all worried and barely sleeping." Maximus adjusted his hold on me, gentle in his movements.
"I can hear you guys," Kage mumbled from what I presumed was the hall.
"Good. You’re sleeping here tonight." Braxton huffed, his tone brooking no argument.
"Fine with me," Kage
replied.
"I'm gonna head back to my room. Uh...if you need anything, just call. I'll be awake for a bit," Zane put forth quietly. I heard his footsteps fade and there was a moment of silence.
"We're gonna have to confront this issue soon," Logan pointed out.
"The bath is ready," Kage announced, seeming uninterested in what Logan was implying.
The others were quiet for a few seconds before Nixon spoke. "Jewel is the priority right now, but once she's stable, we ALL need to talk. Understood?"
The others murmured their agreement before my body began to sway. I wanted to fight off sleep, afraid to dream about the silver-eyed man, but once my body felt the warm water, it gave up.
I fell back asleep.
I snuggled closer to the inviting aroma of caramel, my arms tightening around Logan's waist while I inhaled deeply. I loved how the sweet, yet gentle scent eased the number of troubles that were beginning to pile in my mind, especially now that I was semi-awake.
I'd been awake, trying my best to go back to sleep for the last hour and a half, but even Logan's slow heart rate that normally helped me return to the land of sleep wasn't working.
My thoughts were a chaotic mess of worry, fear, and guilt. I was worried about the future at Brighten, realizing once again, I'd have to try my hardest to maintain my male identity as Jinn Starfire.
I'd enjoyed the journey, in the beginning, intrigued by the idea of having a penis and seeing the dramatic difference a male life was compared to a female's. However, in an environment like Brighten with the challenges I knew we'd have to face now that the "easiest" semester was over, the fear of screwing up was beginning to settle in.
The guilt I felt wasn't about Brighten but was more focused on the guys. I was well aware that I'd been having nightmares the last couple of weeks. Many times, I had no recollection of what happened in them, but a few nightmares lingered, as well as my recent dreams and memories of my childhood.
I didn't know why I was having dreams about my Dad, but I didn't even understand what they were about. Either way, I knew the guys weren't getting the sleep they deserved thanks to my loud awakenings and the panic attacks that followed.
Reflections of Me Page 2
