Bucket List To Love

by C. P. Santi

  He looked off into the distance, her hand still loosely clasped in his. It was a couple of minutes before he spoke again, “Aya-chan, we have to talk about what happens after.”

  “After what?”

  “Stop being dense. I mean after I leave.”

  “You’re going to study in Europe. I’m staying here. What else is there to talk about?”

  “What about us?”

  “Is there an us, Ryo?”

  “Isn’t there?”

  “We . . . we’ve had fun. And I’ve enjoyed working with you. But maybe it’s better that we leave it at that.”

  “Ah, sou?”

  “It just wouldn’t work, Ryo. I’ve tried it before and . . . and I . . .”

  “Aya, I’m not Adrian.”

  “I know that.”

  He sighed in frustration. “Look, I can’t give you any assurances about the future. I can just tell you how I feel about you, and ask you to trust in that. Because however much you try to deny it, there is an us.” His tone was firm, but his hand was gentle, as he reached up to cup her cheek. “You’re stronger than this, Aya. We’re stronger than you think.”

  Closing her eyes, she turned away.

  “Ryo, I do care about you. And if circumstances were different . . .”

  “But they aren’t and we have to deal with that. We can try to make this work, Aya-chan.”

  The entreaty in his voice washed over her. God, if only things were that simple. But she knew better. “I’m sorry, Ryo.” She raised tear-filled eyes to his. “I just can’t.”

  He bowed his head and sighed.

  “I’m so sorry.” She felt tears running down her cheeks.

  “I’m sorry too,” he said, his smile was sad as he looked away. “I just wish you were brave enough to take a chance on us.”

  + + +

  Aya didn’t know how she and Ryo got through the train ride back to the lab. She considered bailing out on the party, but remembered that she had promised to help set things up.

  The atmosphere was festive. Dei and Matsuura were cheerfully filling two chests with ice and beer. On the roof, Taki and Naruse were arguing over where to set up the grill. Ohno held a chair steady as Motomaki fiddled with the lanterns they were stringing up.

  She and Kyoko laid out several blue plastic sheets for people to sit on. Then they busied themselves setting up a table for the food and drinks.

  Aya was glad Ryo had gone with Amat and Eric to buy the meat and other food they would be grilling later. She felt she needed to distance herself from him. A little time apart would help steady her nerves in time for the party.

  But as they changed into their yukata, Kyoko turned to Aya and asked if she was all right. Kyoko didn’t buy her over-bright smile of assurance, but Aya didn’t care. All she wanted was to get through the night.

  + + +

  Aya dragged her feet as she walked toward the train station. Though there was no one in sight, she could hear numerous rooftop celebrations echoing through the deserted pathways.

  The Sumida River fireworks display was a big yearly event. The area adjacent to the river would be teeming with people, Kyoko had told Aya, but their university had a good vantage point, so people from their lab usually watched from the roof.

  The fireworks display had indeed been beautiful. Multi-colored lights had lit up the sky to a chorus of delighted gasps. But she had hardly noticed. She had felt Ryo’s eyes on her, watching her as he had watched her throughout the evening.

  She had wanted to go to him, to lean back in his arms as they watched light erupt over the sky. But she couldn’t.

  She knew it had been her decision to end it. But why did her heart feel heavier each step she took farther away from him?

  Have I made a mistake?

  “A-ya-chan.”

  At the sound of his voice, she almost stumbled. She looked back and saw him. He was still dressed in his yukata, as was she.

  “You left without saying goodbye.”

  “Oh. I-I just wasn’t feeling well.” Aya stared at her sandaled feet. She hadn’t expected him to follow her.

  Ryo stopped in front of her. “I’ve got something for you.” He took her hand and turned her palm up. A small pouch dropped into her hands. Aya shook her head, but he told her to open it.

  She fumbled with the drawstrings before fishing out a set of keys attached to a Cookie Monster keychain. “What’s this?”

  “The keys to my bicycle. You can use it while I’m gone.”

  “Oh. Thanks.” Aya lightly traced the cookie the little blue monster held in his hand. How many times had she called Ryo a cookie monster in the past few months?

  He shifted from foot to foot. “Ne, do you want to know what I was thinking while I was watching the fireworks?”

  She was almost afraid to ask. “What?”

  “I was thinking I had two choices.” He paused and waited for her to look at him. “I’ll be leaving in a few days—I can’t change that—but I’ve a choice about how I leave. I could go feeling hurt and angry. And to be honest, I am hurt and angry.”

  “Ryo—”

  He shook his head and put a finger to her lips. “But you know what? I don’t want to leave you like this. I don’t want my last memory of you to be filled with negative emotions.” He put his hands on her shoulders and drew her to him. “I’m not giving up on us, Aya. But I’m not going to push you either.” He lightly squeezed her shoulders. “It will always be your choice. But now . . . I just want to say goodbye properly.”

  Aya’s tears fell as she kissed Ryo for the last time.

  Chapter 19

  “Isn’t this great? All of us, together!” Kit squealed.

  “For a few days at least.” Yumi waved a paper fan and blotted the perspiration on her forehead. “Grabe, just when you thought you’d escaped the heat of Manila . . .”

  Aya agreed—summer in Tokyo was the worst. The air around them was warm, thick, and unmoving.

  “But I love it here! It’s great how you can wear anything and people don’t even look twice.” Twirling, her younger sister struck a pose.

  Yumi snorted. “That’s because they’re hoping you’re a figment of their imagination.”

  “Ate!” Kit swatted her eldest sister’s shoulder. Hard.

  Laughing, Aya left her sisters and walked over to her parents. “You guys okay over there?”

  Ramon was oblivious to the heat as he tried to get a good shot of the shopping street in front of the Asakusa temple district.

  “We’re good, hija.” Annacris waved a fan as she browsed knickknacks. “What about you?”

  “I’m fine, Mom,” Aya answered. Yeah, other than heartache, I’m good, Mom.

  Her mother shook her head. “You look terrible, hija. Any problems? Have you . . . have you seen Adrian?”

  “It would be difficult to avoid him, Mom. We live in the same dormitory.”

  “Is he being difficult?”

  “I can handle him, Mom. Don’t worry.”

  Adrian was the least of her problems.

  Sharp as always, her family had noticed something was up. There were dark circles under her eyes. She slept poorly at night and had little or no appetite at all.

  And it wasn’t because of school or the stress of living far away from home.

  It was just that she missed Ryo.

  Countless times over the last few weeks, she’d hovered over her laptop or mobile, composing a message then deleting it in the end. She had tried to contain the impulse to stalk him on social media. And when she finally gave in, she was disappointed to find that he hadn’t updated in weeks. In fact, his last update had been the day they went to the museum in Koganei. He had posted a shot of them, waving colorful paper pinwheels at the camera.

  To keep herself sane, she reminded herself of all the reasons she had let him go. Then she’d pour herself into her work . . . spending hours at the lab, reading and working on study proposals. Inevitably however, she’d glance at the empty seat be
side her and be back where she started—miserable and grumpy.

  And still missing him.

  It had been better when she had the entrance exams to prepare for. But the exam and presentation had ended a week ago. And as the beginning of the new term loomed before her, she found herself thinking about him more often. She wondered how he was adjusting to his new university. Was he eating well? Were his classes interesting? Had he made new friends? Had he found someone new?

  Why the hell was I worrying about this? After all, the break had been her choice. She hadn’t wanted to risk her heart. And it was all for the best. Right?

  Who was she kidding? Although she tried her best to deny it, her emotions were already tangled up in him.

  But saying all of that out loud would make her mother want to haul her back to Manila. So instead, she said, “I’ve been busy with a project at school, you know how plates go.”

  “Naku, hija, you know late nights aren’t good for the skin. You’ll take care, won’t you?” For a second, Aya thought her mother wanted to say something more, but with a resigned sigh, she turned and examined a stack of lacquer boxes. “These are for food, no? They’d make great jewelry cases.”

  “Need help, Mom?”

  Shaking her head, her mother waved her off. “No, I’ll just look around first. You go and spend time with your sisters. They missed you so.”

  Nodding, Aya walked a few steps to the shop where her sisters were trying out makeup.

  “Mom might buy the whole I’m-busy-at-school bit, but we don’t.” Yumi’s voice was soft as she examined a tube of facial cleansing foam.

  “Not now, Ate.”

  “It’s got something to do with hot tutor dude, doesn’t it?” Kit looked up from where she was testing lipstick colors on her arm.

  “Stop calling him that. His name is Ryo.”

  Crossing her arms, her older sister turned to face her. “And has Ryo gone?”

  Aya let out a long sigh and nodded.

  “Oh, Ate.” Kit dropped the cosmetics she was playing with and rushed to her side.

  Leaning back against her younger sister’s one-armed hug, Aya was fiercely glad they had come. Having her family with her, even for a little while, was a comfort.

  In the next few days, they gallivanted around Tokyo, visited the usual tourist spots, stuffed themselves with sushi and ramen, and to Aya’s dad’s consternation, indulged in a massive shopping spree.

  Though she tried to distract herself, each place was full of memories of Ryo and their short time together.

  Aya tried, but could not shake off her melancholy as she took her family around Yoyogi and Meiji Jingu Shrine. When they had ordered the giant parfait at the same restaurant Ryo had taken her to, Aya could not even muster a little appetite for ice cream.

  Her sisters worried about her. Aya had told them everything, of course. They stayed up late each night, talking and gossiping. Both Yumi and Kit had been honest enough to tell Aya that they didn’t agree with her decision to end things with Ryo. But they didn’t push her.

  “You don’t need us to tell you what to do. You already know it.” Yumi had told Aya one night.

  “We’re here for you, Ate. Whatever you decide, we’ll do our best to support you, as you’ve always supported us.”

  They had paid a visit to Aya’s professor, who was ecstatic over the bottle of mango puree Ramon presented him. Kyoko was effusive in her thanks when Annacris gave her a dainty fan made of piña silk. Yumi and Kit had gone up to the student work area with Aya to distribute a box of ensaimadas. Aya had stifled her laughter when Dei and Matsuura had blushed and stammered at the sight of her sisters.

  Aya had also introduced her family to April and Reggie and her parents insisted on treating them to dinner. As they laughed and joked over yakiniku in Ginza, Aya knew that her friends had enjoyed meeting her family too.

  But Aya knew her family couldn’t stay forever. And when they left, she’d be alone again.

  + + +

  “I hope your father doesn’t buy too many useless gadgets.”

  Aya glanced sideways at her mother and laughed. “Oh c’mon, Mom. Admit it, you find Dad’s toys amusing.”

  Her father and sisters had gone to Akihabara to shop for electronics. It was the kind of stuff that bored Annacris to tears, so Aya had suggested that they visit Tokyu Hands in Shibuya. The shop had enough to keep anyone occupied for days.

  Her mother shook her head. “Not when he gives them to me as gifts.”

  “But you still have the compass he gave you.”

  “Well, that was a bit poetic.” Annacris paused from her perusal of a rack of scarves and grinned at her daughter. “He said it was so I would always find my way back to him.”

  They shared a look and burst out laughing. “Really. Your Dad is so corny sometimes.”

  “But you love him anyway.”

  “Yes, I do.” Her mother smiled, probably thinking of the stubborn, opinionated man she had married thirty years ago. “It’s difficult at times, but then, you can never really choose who you fall in love with.”

  “How did you know, Mom? That you loved Dad, I mean.”

  “We met at your Tita Maggie’s wedding, remember? He was best man and I was maid of honor. I noticed at once how handsome he was, but he looked down his nose at me. He actually thought that because I was once a beauty queen, I was a brainless bimbo.” Her glamorous mother gave an unladylike snort. “But I showed him. Ha!”

  Grinning, Aya shook her head. Annacris Sevilla Contreras was anything but a bimbo. She’d been the lifestyle editor of a popular newspaper for more than two decades. She and her amigas also ran several businesses.

  “But you know, I think I think I fell in love with your father because he said my headdress was ugly.”

  “What?”

  “It’s true! Your Tita Maggie had us wear these revolting pink hats with huge silk roses and veils.” She made a face as she described the monstrosity. “I think it’s because she wanted all of us to look ugly beside her.”

  “Mom!”

  “Well, it was her day. I love Maggie, but she can be a bit Machiavellian.”

  “Um, Mom? About Dad and the headdress?”

  “Oh, yes. Well, that idiot Lito Espinoza was telling me how beautiful I looked, and how the hat framed my face beautifully.” She rolled her eyes. “Your dad was standing just behind us. He turned around and said I looked like I had a pink cabbage on my head.” She tapped her daughter’s shoulder with her fan and grinned. “And that was when I knew he was the one for me.”

  “Because he called you ugly?”

  “No, he called the hat ugly. Keep your facts straight, Aya.” Her mother sighed. “But it was then I knew that Ramon wasn’t the kind of person who sugarcoats or lies. And when you’re a public figure, honest people are scarce. And so, I did what I had to do. I pursued him.”

  Her parents’ love story was something Aya and her sisters never tired of hearing. It was just so romantic . . . the engineer and the beauty queen. She was a social butterfly, whereas he was happiest when tinkering with his mechanical toys at home. On the outside, it seemed like the mismatch of the century. But they were just perfect for each other. Even now, after more than thirty years of being together, they were still very much in love. Oh, her dad complained about all the parties and her mom’s shopping, but he escorted her everywhere and always bought her little gifts. Her mom loved complaining about her husband’s toys, but she always added to his collection.

  “The trick is looking beneath the surface and believing in it. At least, that’s what I told your father when he said we weren’t suited to each other.”

  “What made him change his mind?”

  “Persistence. And a blow to the head—it’s true!” They both started laughing so hard, a nearby salesclerk looked at them in alarm.

  Still giggling, Annacris dabbed at the corners of her eyes with a tissue. “I hit him on the head with a roll of blueprints and told him to try forgetting me
. Then I walked out. Two weeks later, he was at your lola’s house, laden with flowers and chocolates.”

  “Your Dad thinks too much sometimes.” Annacris shook her head. “But love isn’t logical. It’s not something you can predict or solve with equations. It just is. And sometimes, you just have to want it enough to make some sacrifices.”

  They strolled around the next corner and arrived at a display of eye massagers. “Look, hija! This is just the kind of weird stuff your father likes!” She waved to a clerk who eagerly rushed over.

  Aya watched as the young man tried to explain the gadget to her mother in halting English.

  Her mother had given her a lot to think about.

  Chapter 20

  Mori-san,

  Dear Ryo,

  Ryo,

  Hi, Ryo.

  Hey.

  Argh. This wasn’t going very well. Aya sat in front of her computer, and buried her face in her hands. Why was it so difficult?

  For almost the entire month since Ryo had left for Europe, she had moped around and resisted the urge to send him a message. She kept telling herself it would be easier on both of them if they had a clean break.

  But now, she had stumbled upon the perfect excuse.

  She glanced at the letter that lay open beside her laptop. Kyoko had handed it to her when she arrived at the lab that morning. It was a letter from the Suntory competition secretariat.

  Aya had brought it up to her desk. For a few, long minutes, she’d stared at it. It was a good thing the student workspace was deserted at that time of the day, she thought. Her lab mates would have thought she was having a panic attack.

  And maybe she was. Her hands were clammy and her heart was pounding in her chest.

  Calm down. The hard part is over. These are just the results.

  She picked up the envelope gingerly, as if frightened that it would suddenly bite her. Then she sighed before tearing one end open. The single sheet of paper felt heavy in her hands. She held it for a while before taking a deep breath and opening it.