“Because you explained more of the story?” he asked.
“I’m sorry if I wasn’t supposed to, but it was the only way that I was able to…able to…”
“Able to what?”
“Uh, well… It was the only way for them to understand your life a little better. And see what it is about you that I see. I just…I wanted them to know how much I care about you…”
The line was silent, but I hoped he couldn’t hear my heart pounding through the phone. Surely that was enough to get into that topic, right? Maybe it—
“Well thanks Ellie, but I don’t need you to alienate yourself from your family for my benefit. I’m what, a thousand miles away? And it’s not worth the heartache to have struggles with your family. Trust me on that. Just stick with your doctor friend, and your parents will be thrilled to death,” he chuckled.
I didn’t think that was funny, though. It was such a serious issue to me—I had even lost sleep over it dozens of times—and for him to feel so lighthearted about it made me upset.
“Well I guess we’re just on opposite ends of the street, then,” I said.
“Hmm? What does that mean?”
Should I do it? Should I just lay it all out there? If he rejects me he rejects me, right? There was nothing I could do about that, but I did owe it to myself to take a shot…
“It means that I’ve been going with my heart lately, and I’ve decided that you’re worth the struggle. My parents will get over it Tyse, but I can’t keep doing things to please everyone else. All I know is that you’re important to me, and there’s no way that I’m going to stop needing you.”
There. That was at least a start. Now if we could just progress from there and finally get it all out in the—
“Aw, you’re like my own personal advocate. Thanks for the support Ellie, it means a lot to me. I’ll always be here if you need me, but I still don’t feel so good about the situation with your family. I don’t think it’s a good thing to have all that tension between you. And I definitely don’t feel right about being the cause of it. I can’t handle that pressure, Ellie. I already ruined my own family; I don’t want to ruin yours.”
“You did not ruin your family,” I argued. “Your parents already decided to fail you when they couldn’t accept you for who you are. But there are other people that can pick up that slack, Tyse. Don’t give up on the rest of us, okay?”
The line was quiet again and it sucked that I couldn’t even get through to him what I wanted to say. Why couldn’t I be bold?
“Ellie, I need to go, okay? My first class is at eight and I still need to get a lot of reading done. I really want to keep talking to you—”
“No, it’s fine; I completely agree. You need to focus on school.”
“It was really good to finally talk you. I’m happy about your job and everything.”
“Thanks.”
“Okay, bye Ells.”
“Bye. Oh, Tyse?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you for the gifts you sent. I was absolutely stunned by them both.”
“Oh, good,” he lightly laughed. “You’re so easy to please, you know it? Goodnight, Ellie.”
I may be easy to please, but I was also a spineless idiot.
Chapter Thirty-Two
It was a couple of days before I finally talked to my sister about Tyse. I had a plan in my head (and it didn’t consist of yelling and screaming because I just didn’t want to go there) but it was always hard to predict what a conversation with Dawn was going to be like. I had originally decided to talk to her in person, but she ended up calling me on Saturday afternoon to see if Harlan and I wanted to go out with her and Wyatt that night. I was actually at Harlan’s house at the time, and I really didn’t want to get into it on the phone with her then, but I ended up telling her probably not.
“How come? You guys have other plans?”
“Uh, no not really but—”
“Well, what are you doing right now?”
“Mm, nothing that you’d get excited over.”
She laughed. “Oh, doing crossword puzzles and stuff. Sitting around reading Newsweek articles to each other, or Medical Digest.”
“Yeah, something like that.”
“I’m just kidding. Sheesh, Ellie.”
Actually we had been reading a little bit. But it was kind of a mix of reading, kissing, cuddling, and watching football on television. Saturdays were nice when neither of us worked, and since Harlan’s schedule had changed, he had more hours off when I did.
“Well come out with us tonight,” Dawn said. “We’re just thinking the Spaghetti Factory if that’s okay with you guys.”
“No, I don’t think so.” I was still furious with her about what she’d done to Tyse, and I didn’t even want to talk to her at that moment.
“Why do you sound so cranky?”
“I’m not cranky; I just don’t want to spend any time with you,” I nearly growled.
Harlan turned his attention from the game to give me a curious look. Dawn scoffed on the other end and made a comment in return, but I really didn’t want to get into it with her in front of Harlan. However, I just couldn’t hold off any longer, and I told her that I couldn’t believe what she did to Tyse.
“What? Why are you bringing him up?!”
“Because I just talked to him the other day and I had to apologize profusely about how rude and unbelievably stupid my sister is!”
“What!? Did you just call me stupid?”
“Yes, I did. I can’t believe you would tell a person all of those things, Dawn. How inconsiderate are you?”
“Inconsiderate? I did you a favor, honey. You need to open your eyes, Ellie! Ever since Tyse has been out of the picture, you’ve finally focused on your relationship with Harlan. It was a good thing and one day you’ll thank me for it.”
“Thank you?” Oh, I wanted to scream at that moment. But all I could do was take a deep breath and rub the headache that was beginning to build. “I’m not going to do this right now,” I finally said. “No thank you for the dinner invite; I need some time to forgive you, Dawn. Bye.”
I just sat there for several seconds, blankly staring at the television. Harlan didn’t ask any questions, but he did put a hand on my leg and softly began to rub it. I didn’t know what to say other than, “Sorry about that.”
He casually shrugged as if to say, “No problem; no need to explain.”
I sighed because I was familiar with that response. I wasn’t always sure if he truly felt that way or just said it to be polite, but that time I felt the need to explain. Especially since it seemed to have a direct effect on my relationship with Harlan, and I knew he liked me to be open about any changes that might occur because of Tyse.
“Tyse canceled his trip for Christmas because Dawn pretty much forced him to,” I began.
Harlan turned slightly so he was facing me, and listened intently.
“She basically told him what a piece of garbage she thought he was.”
“Ouch,” he replied.
“And she told him he was causing problems in our family, and uh, that he was interfering with my relationship with you. She, uh, also told him we were engaged.”
Harlan raised his eyebrows. “We are?” he smiled.
I smiled too, and it helped relieve some of the tension.
“Well I’d say he kind of took a verbal beating,” he said.
“Yeah, he did. And that’s what he does. He just takes it.”
We were both silent for several seconds, and I don’t think either of us knew what to say. Finally Harlan restarted the conversation by asking, “And what does this mean for you? You spoke to Tyse the other night. Did everything get cleared up?”
“Yes. I mean…we talked about all of it. He kind of sided with Dawn, though, claiming he understood that she was just looking out for me.”
“Dawn is like a mother bear,” Harlan smiled. “And even though her intentions are good, she doesn’t always react rati
onally.” He knew I didn’t really want to talk about Dawn, so Harlan asked, “So? About Tyse. What does it mean for you? You know why he backed off—between your sister and the job he took, it seems like enough to explain things—but did you tell him how you feel about him?”
This was the uncomfortable part. Even though Harlan very clearly stated, several times, that he wanted me to decide for myself what I really wanted, I still worried that his patience would end up running out.
“Ellie, no holding back, okay? This is your chance to get it all out there, and all I want is to know everything that you’re feeling. It doesn’t do me any good to break it gently.”
I smiled and shook my head. “I don’t have anything to break to you, Harlan. I just… I decided that I didn’t need to get into all of that with Tyse. I mean I did tell him how much he means to me, and that we still needed to keep in touch despite what my family may or may not think, but I didn’t feel that I needed to say anything further.”
“Could you clarify? You don’t feel that way about him anymore, or you didn’t think he returned your feelings so you didn’t even get to the heart of the matter?”
Yeah, leave it to Harlan to put things into perspective. Maybe one of these days his communication skills would rub off on me.
“Well…”
“Ellie,” he smiled. “Simple words. Just spit it out.”
“Well, I tried to tell him how I felt—you know, by gradually saying things to lead into the conversation—and then he’d say something that completely halted my progress. And then he just always throws in those ‘friend’ phrases, you know? And I don’t know if he just says that because that’s how he feels, or he says it because he knows all along what I’ve been leading up to and he doesn’t feel that way about me. You know, as his way to stop me from making a fool of myself. I always find myself resorting to the friend phrases too, so maybe it’s me that’s ruining any kind of progress.”
Man that felt so weird to say out loud. It was like a conversation I’d have with Dawn, not the guy I was casually dating and had been kissing all day.
“Sounds like you’ve thought a lot about the possibilities,” he said. “So the bottom line is that you still have feelings other than friendship for him?”
I took a few seconds to gather my thoughts. He wanted straight answers, right?
“Yes, I still feel the same way. Not much has changed. Actually that’s not true,” I added.
Harlan tilted his head with question.
“Well I still feel the same about Tyse,” I clarified, “but, uh, at the same time…”
Why was I so emotionally challenged? Actually I knew what I felt, but maybe I was just verbally challenged since I couldn’t say things out loud.
“At the same time, what?” Harlan asked softly. Just his concern made my heart grow. He was so caring and considerate about everything in my life. I felt like I didn’t deserve him.
“At the same time I love being with you,” I replied quietly. “I care about Tyse, but right now my life seems to be with you. That still confuses me,” I made sure he knew, and he nodded, “but…that’s how I feel and…that’s where I am at this point.”
I shrugged, not sure if any of that made sense, or if Harlan would be upset that I still hadn’t figured things out. But he only smiled and took my hand in his. After he kissed it he said, “There. It’s all out, yes?”
I nodded.
“And is there anything I can do for you? Anything I can say or do to make life easier for you?”
I smiled. “Harlan, I don’t even know what you could possibly do that you don’t do already. You spoil me and I don’t even deserve it.”
“Says who?” he scowled. “That’s poppycock. You deserve more but you’re too stubborn to accept it. But then again… I could always stop letting you beat me at billiards.”
I laughed out loud and playfully shoved him. “You do not.”
“Yes, I do,” he nodded seriously.
“Really? And I just thought you were absolutely horrible because I’m not even that good.”
He had a funny smile on his face, so I wasn’t sure if he was serious or not. We decided that he would just have to prove himself the next time we played.
“So earlier on the phone you said you had something you wanted to tell me,” he said. “Was that it? –Your conversation with Tyse? What your sister did?”
“Oh. Uh…yeah, that was on my mind. I didn’t really know how to confront my sister about it, but I guess it’s taken care of now,” I frowned.
He barely nodded. “It will work out, Ellie.”
“I hope so. I’m not sure I’ve ever been this angry with her.”
“Delicate issue. It’s kind of in her nature to interfere with your life, eh?” he smiled.
I chuckled. “Yeah, she thinks it’s her job. She’s totally on your side though, just so you know.”
“Oh? I have the support of the sister you strongly dislike right now? Is that supposed to help or hinder?”
“Yeah, I guess I see your point,” I smiled. “But Dawn doesn’t have much influence on my life anymore. I guess I’m gradually learning to decide things on my own. Which reminds me… There was something else I wanted to share with you.”
“Oh? And what’s that?”
“Europe.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Oh. You’ve made a decision?”
I nodded. “Yes. I’d very much like to go with you, Harlan.”
I loved the smile he gave me. It was kind of a mixture of happiness and relief, and it assured me that my choice was right.
“I’m very happy to hear that,” he replied. “You didn’t have to have an answer so soon.”
“But I’ve always known it was my answer, so why would I want to wait any longer to tell you?”
“You’ve always known?”
“Mm-hmm. My first instinct was to tell you yes, but I decided to think about it like you said.”
“But your decision really must have been solidified after you talked to Tyse, right? Did that have anything to do with it?”
Honest answers, I told myself.
“Yes, it did. But your first impression or feeling is usually correct, right? At least that’s how I looked at it. I really wanted to go with you but…”
He seemed to wave it off. “There’s no need to explain your decision, Ellie. I shouldn’t have asked. I’m just happy that you’ve decided to come.”
“You have a right to ask, Harlan. Maybe that’s what we should be talking about, too. How are you doing? What are your thoughts and feelings about everything? Are you completely frustrated with me?”
He chuckled. “Well, I’m fine. You’ve actually just made my entire year by agreeing to travel with me. And my thoughts and feelings about everything? That could take a while.”
I rolled my eyes. “Okay, not about everything.”
“And the level of frustration I feel for you is…pretty low. Maybe the frustration I feel because of you is a little more prominent, but that is just a facet of life.”
“Hmm, sounds like you should expound.”
With a smile he replied, “Yes, it’s hard to share your attention with another fellow. Even though I do understand, it is difficult. But I enjoy every moment I have with you, and I don’t want to take that for granted. I’ll take whatever you have to give me, Ellie. I wish I could be the sole recipient of your devotion, but you have every right to shop around. I’m very happy to be in your life—any little part of it that I can be.”
Harlan could have said that to me a month ago and it wouldn’t have affected me. He’d expressed feelings like that from the beginning, and whereas I only took it as casual flirting back then, I couldn’t view it that way anymore. Now that I knew him, now that I’d spent so much time with him and shared so many honest aspects of my life, the gravity of those words hit me a lot deeper. I believed that he truly felt that way about me, and even though it was amazing to have someone like him in my life, it made me feel gu
ilty. It made me look at how much of himself he was actually giving to me, even knowing that I might not do the same for him. He had once said that the heart could give more than we realize, but sometimes it has to learn to prioritize.
Harlan was basically waiting for me to prioritize.
For the next couple of months my life consisted of work and Harlan. I occasionally spoke to my parents, had dinner with them a few times with Harlan, and they were smart to not bring up anything about Tyse or my sister. I still wasn’t speaking to Dawn, especially after she called Harlan and tried to convince him that I was being really irrational about everything, and that he should be firmer with me and not let me get away with being such a brat. From what I gather, Harlan put her in her place, so now she didn’t want to speak to either of us.
I only talked to Tyse on the phone a few times, and each time lasted less than two minutes. It was almost like he called me back at the most inconvenient times (like while he was stepping into a classroom or right before batting practice), just so he didn’t have to talk for long. Other than that, he would only return my calls with a quick text message. I even challenged him about his reluctance to talk to me and he laughed it off. He said, “Believe it or not Ellie, but I really am that busy. I kind of warned you about that before, didn’t I?”
Yeah, he did. I guess I was expecting more from him than he was able to give, and between school, a job he was putting thirty hours towards a week, and baseball, he was probably busier than I was.
And no, I didn’t get any further with expressing how I truly felt about him. It just didn’t seem real to me anymore—like I’d originally had this plan, this idea, and now it didn’t seem feasible any longer. I couldn’t just stop how I felt about him with a snap of my fingers, but I guess I was counting on the fact that other things might be helping me move on. I hoped that Tyse only liking me as just a friend would gradually stop disappointing me. I was counting on that, praying that my life would be filled with enough to get over it.
Based on my original thoughts of Harlan, I never thought he would be the one to fill some of that space. He had become quite important to me, and yes we were on official boyfriend/girlfriend terms. There wasn’t really any sort of “decision” about it; it just evolved that way naturally. His coworkers knew me well, my coworkers knew him well. Even radio listeners in Portland knew Harlan well because of how often our personal lives came up during our shows. It was standard for Ken and Jack to say “my wife” this, or “my kids” that, and it had also become standard for me to bring up Harlan. We even randomly called him up one morning while he was at home because Jack wanted to ask him some weird ER questions. It was actually a pretty funny show, and Harlan—being the smart and clever lad he is—really had listeners captivated.
Summer Swing Page 37
