“So at what age did you start playing doctor with the girls?” Jack eventually asked him.
I had rolled my eyes, but Harlan was pretty charming about it, teasing that all the lasses in the neighborhood were lined up around the block for treatment. After Ken and Jack had a good laugh about that, Harlan truthfully explained that he was a pretty big troublemaker, and that he really didn’t have much direction in his life until he was about fourteen.
Ken kind of chuckled and asked, “So…you’re saying you were fourteen when your doctor instincts kicked in?”
Harlan was a great sport, and I had later asked him to tell me (truthfully) if calling him was okay. He was all right with it, even claiming that it was “fantastic” because he got to spend more time with me—even if it was on air with thousands of listeners.
I guess it was all the little things about him that won me over. If you assessed all the big things that were attractive about a guy—looks, personality, and overall grasp of life in general—Harlan had it all. But when you add all of the things that made Harlan unique—all of the things that I found tipped the scale—he was by far one of the most amazing guys that I had ever met. He did have this really mature, really experienced side to him when it was necessary—maybe that was because of the way he grew up, or where he grew up—but at the same time, his playfulness could completely take me by surprise. He was funny, and sometimes he would use his British background as a way to get away with silly things like not doing something or not understanding me because I didn’t use the “right” word.
We got along pretty well and we never really had any serious arguments except about something in a joking manner. There was only one time that he raised his voice at me, and it all started because he had decided to turn down a job in Salem that he’d applied for a year prior. After much back-and-forth discussion about it (I was worried that I was the real reason that he turned down the job) Harlan, after the fifth time asking why he would turn down something he really wanted, finally yelled, “Because I love you, damn it!”
Needless to say there was some odd tension in the air at that moment. I knew he didn’t want me to know that, fearing it would change things in our relationship and scare me away, but at that point I couldn’t help laughing. He was kind of ticked at first, not understanding my true feelings at the moment, but when I replied, “Well I love you too, damn it!” it kind of changed his mood.
“What?” he ended up replying. He seemed pretty shocked, which caused me to wonder why he would be so surprised. Surely he felt that from me, didn’t he? So then, instead of kissing and showing each other how we really felt about our new status, we had to stand there for two minutes and discuss it. Finally he just said, “Stop talking,” and he kissed me, telling me how much he loved me a dozen more times that night. A week later we took our trip to England, and it was one of the most amazing vacations I’d ever experienced. Now it was pretty customary to hear one of us add a “damn it” to the end of an “I love you.”
I did think about Tyse during that time. More than just a little, actually. It was, in fact, a week that I had planned on spending with him. I hadn’t even told him about the trip to Europe before he just decided to blow me off the month before anyway. He told me he was pretty busy and that I shouldn’t bother coming. I didn’t protest, of course—because of the vacation I had planned with Harlan—but I did say several things like, “Even if you had just a day or two for me I’d be okay with that,” or “You know you don’t have to humor me every second of my time there…” It didn’t make a difference though because Tyse just apologized and said we could hang out another time. That time I did argue with him, claiming that he was making it really hard to have any kind of friendship with him. He only apologized again and said, “You know how I hate saying these things out loud, but I’ll try and make it up there this summer, Ellie.” I felt like he was just trying to pacify me.
I didn’t even tell him about Europe until the next time I talked to him, which was two weeks after that. He was the one that actually called me for once, and it was just to tell me that the paper he wrote about me got him an ‘A.’
“Really?” I replied with a smile. “Now was this a work of fact or fiction?”
He laughed. “Uh, I’d say it was definitely fact.”
“Hmm, you’ll have to mail me such paper so I can see for myself.”
“Uh, well, sorry, but I just tossed it.”
“Tossed it? In the garbage? Get it!” I demanded. “I want to read this thing.”
“Nah, it’s not that big of a deal. But hey, I gotta get going. Heading for practice so I’ll catch you later. I’ll try to call you next week, let you know how our games go this weekend.”
And that’s when I told him I’d be in a different continent for the week. He just had a general response like, “Oh, hey, that’s cool. You’ll have fun. Okay, I gotta go, Ells. Bye.”
And that was the last time I talked to him. Now it was almost three weeks later and I’d only received one tiny little text that answered my question about his team’s current standing, and then another tiny text that replied, “I’ll have to see” when I asked if he could still come north this summer.
I no longer confided in Harlan about my frustrations with Tyse. He knew we barely communicated because Tyse was “too busy,” but I refrained from regressing to that routine that was so prevalent in the beginning of our relationship. Patient or not, I was smart enough to realize that Harlan put our relationship with one another first, and I would be wise to do the same. I just couldn’t figure Tyse out anymore, and I decided it was time to stop worrying about it and focus on what I had, what was in front of me, what was my life now…and that was Harlan.
Chapter Thirty-Three
They say when life gives you lemons make lemonade. But if life gives you lemonade, do you drink it, or question why you got it?
Harlan had the intent to marry me. I knew that because we’d talked about it several times. I could easily see myself married to Harlan. I knew he would treat me with respect and always put my needs first, and I knew he’d be a great father to our kids. I had no doubt that he loved me, and our life together seemed like a pretty logical fit. There was no ring, no proposal, and no promises of marriage, but he flat out told me he wanted to get married, and if I was ever ready to take that step with him to let him know. There was no plan set, no timeline or agenda, and no pressure. He assured me that what we had was perfect if that’s what I wanted to stick to, and that I could take all the time I needed.
It was the beginning of June; I was twenty-one and Harlan had just turned twenty-six. I felt ready to become a wife, settle down in Portland with Harlan, and raise a family. I loved my job, Harlan loved his job, and we were both happy.
There was only one negative aspect about marrying Harlan: I just couldn’t do it.
He had asked me flat out one day if I still had feelings for Tyse, and even though I said I barely felt like we were friends anymore, he gave me a look—much like the look he gave me when I wouldn’t take my sister’s call the day before. He was disappointed in me, or in his words, “worried,” and I could tell he wished for a different response. I guess with Dawn I always thought his concern had to do with the fact that we were sisters and not on very good terms. I knew he wanted us to make up and move forward, but I guess I never wanted to admit out loud why I couldn’t do that. Apparently Harlan knew why but never said so, so when the question about Tyse came up, everything was out in the air.
“Ellie, this has gone on for far too long,” he said.
It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon and we were sitting on his back patio drinking lemonade. He had asked the question, I evaded it with what I thought was an appropriate answer, and Harlan was obviously not satisfied.
“Please don’t deflect from the actual question, Ellie,” he sighed. The way he looked at me literally broke my heart. He was heartbroken himself, and I was the reason for it. I knew this day would come—maybe not entirely, but I
worried that it would—and I still wasn’t ready to face it.
“Harlan, sometimes I think you’re just waiting for me to say I’m in love with him or something—like it’s the only way you’re actually going to believe anything I say.”
“Are you?” he asked quietly. “Are you in love with him?”
I couldn’t answer yes or no. I wasn’t even sure. How would I even know? I was about to explain how on-the-fence I felt about it because I’d never actually dated Tyse to know how I truly felt, but would you believe that his name came up on my phone that very second? No joke, it sat there on the patio table, vibrating with his name in plain sight.
Harlan stood up from his chair and kissed the top of my head. “I want you to answer the call Ellie, and I want you to be honest with him. Then we’ll continue this conversation when you’re done.” He took the phone from the table, pressed the answer button, and handed it to me before he went inside.
I was nearly shaking when I put the phone to my ear. I had no idea what Harlan was going to say when I was done. What did he want me to say? Was he going to change things between us?
“Uh, Ellie? Are you there?”
“Oh, hey Tyse,” I forced myself to reply.
“Uh, you okay? You don’t sound good.”
“Oh, no I’m…I’m just outside…”
“Oh. Well I have some news for you,” he said.
I could even tell he was pretty excited, so I took a deep breath to release some of my Harlan worries. “Really? What kind of news?”
“Well…”
He seemed to pause for dramatic effect, and my heart instantly dropped into my stomach. He was getting married or something, right? He called to tell me he was engaged and was getting married. I couldn’t even believe it. I mean I was the one that—
“I got picked up by a team, Ellie.”
The words didn’t even make sense to me. What was the girl’s name? When was he getting married?
“Ellie, are you still there?” he chuckled.
“Yes, yes I’m here. Wh- what did you say?”
“A team. The Dodgers, Ells. I got picked up by the Dodgers.”
Oh. Baseball? He got… What? “What?!” I exclaimed. It finally registered.
“Yeah,” he laughed again. “I made it onto one of their minor teams here in California. Rancho Cucamonga Quakes. They’re just east of Los Angeles. It’s a single A team. I gotta start somewhere.”
“Well, yeah… But you’ll make your way up, Tyse. I know you will.”
He kind of chuckled. “I won’t get into percentages and such, but sure, I’ll try to keep your positive attitude. I’m never gonna shake my past, but for now I’ve got a team to play with.”
“And that’s where you start. Just keep playing if that’s what you enjoy, Tyse.”
“Yeah, I think I’ve heard that from you before,” he teased. “Anyways, I’ll let you go. I just wanted you to be the first to know.”
“No, I don’t want you to go,” I found myself saying. “Uh…can’t you just talk for a few minutes?”
He paused for a moment. “Sure, I can talk for a bit. Uh, are you okay Ellie? What’s going on?”
“Nothing, I just want to talk to you for once. You never have time for me.”
Again he paused. “Well, I can always make time for you. I just…I don’t know. I can’t really expect to take you away from what you’ve got right now, Ellie.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean. I don’t want to interfere in your—”
“You’re not interfering, Tyse. It’s actually the opposite. I feel like you’ve completely abandoned me.”
There, I said it. The truth was out, and I was almost about to cry just from saying it.
“Abandon you?” he asked quietly. “Ellie, what’s going on? I know something’s not right so just tell me.”
“You’d already know if you took the time to keep in touch.”
He sighed. “You’re upset with me for not calling more often?”
“Or even returning my calls.”
There was silence for a few seconds. “Tell me why we’re back on this subject again? I thought I told you why it’s better to keep my distance. I don’t want you to have problems with your family. Or with Harlan. I’m sure he’d rather us not talk at all.”
“What about what I want? Does that even matter?”
“Of course it matters. What is it that you want, then?”
“I want you to keep in touch. I want to talk to you more often.”
There was silence again. “I’m not sure if I can promise that, Ellie.”
“Why not?” I asked, like a child that wasn’t getting her way.
“I’ll be playing baseball all summer, I’ll be traveling… I just can’t guarantee I’ll be able to keep you happy anyway, Ellie.”
It was my turn to pause. “What does that mean?”
“It means…that I can’t be worrying about calling you back all the time, or returning a text promptly enough. I’m just trying to get my feet under me. I don’t even know if I’ll ever have my feet under me, but I need to try. If I fail, then I guess I’ll be going back to Nate’s shop, going back to school…the same life I’ve been living. I mean I’m content with that, but I think if I can try something different for a change then I’d like to do it, you know?”
“Well…yeah, Tyse. I want you to also. But I didn’t really think talking on the phone for a few minutes was really that hard. I’m sorry if I’m slowing your life down.”
“You’re not,” he sighed. “There’s just…so much to this that I just… I don’t think I can get into it right now, Ellie. I just called to tell you some good news—at least it was for me—and I’m sorry I’ve disappointed you. I gotta go—”
“No,” I interrupted. “No, you’re not going to go. Tyse? Do you hear me?”
At first I thought he’d already hung up, but then he said, “Uh, yeah, I hear you…”
“I just…I can’t do this anymore.”
“Ellie, are you crying? What the hell is going on? Are you safe? Are you okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine,” I sniffled.
“You’re crying but you’re fine?”
“Well I mean I’m safe, I guess.”
“Where are you right now?”
“Uh…I’m in Harlan’s backyard. On the patio.”
He paused for a few seconds. “If you’re at Harlan’s, did my call…? Well, did I totally cause a problem between you? Crap, Ellie, this is exactly why I didn’t want to—”
“There was already a problem, Tyse. We were already fighting. I mean we don’t fight or anything, but there was a question asked, and I didn’t answer it how he wanted, and…”
“What question? What did he ask you?”
I couldn’t think of a time that my heart was pounding so heavily in my chest. I thought the times before were bad, but this was worse. It was ten times worse because I knew I was actually going to do this…
“He asked me if I still have feelings for you,” I finally said. He didn’t say anything right away, so I pressed on with it. “We’ve, uh… Well, it’s kind of been an issue between us, and Harlan understood when we first started dating, but now I’m pretty sure he’s done being patient with me.”
There was a long bout of silence. At least it was to me because I was the one that had just blown this puppy wide open, and I was the one waiting for the aftermath.
I couldn’t stand the silence any longer. “Tyse? Did you hear what I said?”
“Uh yeah, but before I jump to conclusions… Could you, uh…?”
“I can’t have a complete relationship with anyone because you’re always on my mind, in my heart. How I feel about you keeps standing in the way. It’s my roadblock. And I thought if I could just find a way to get through it… But I haven’t been able to. I don’t know what I need to do—I wish I could spend some time with you, or know how you feel about me, because my decision-making could really use
a little help right now.”
Again he was quiet, but I decided I should just shut my mouth and let him respond however he needed to. I had no idea if I’d just made the stupidest mistake of my life, but all I knew was that I’d probably put it off for way too long. I’d been in limbo for over six months, and since nothing seemed resolved, I was sure that doing something—even if it was stupid—was better than nothing.
“Ellie, uh… Well, I guess I don’t know what to say.”
Or not. Maybe stupid was stupid and there was no getting around it.
“You don’t know what to say,” I murmured. “Nice.”
“Ellie, I mean…I, uh, I just…I can’t give you that. I mean…I just don’t- I’m not…” He sighed. “I don’t understand. What about Harlan? I mean you guys are pretty serious, right? Did you break up or something? Is that what this is about?”
“No. I told you what happened. He’s always known how I feel about you Tyse, from the very beginning, and he wanted to know if I still felt the same way. Don’t you get it? The answer is yes. I still can’t stop thinking about you; I still can’t move forward without you—”
“Well you’re gonna have to, Ellie. You have to. What you have with Harlan is real. You guys have a future together. A good one. Don’t screw that up, okay? This was…this was a mistake. I shouldn’t have called. I’m sorry but—”
“Tyse, don’t you hang up on me—”
Summer Swing Page 38
