Summer Swing

by Delia Delaney

  “I can’t do this anymore, Ellie. I’m sorry. I…I just…I can’t.”

  He hung up.

  I was numb at first, and then I cried. Silently, of course. I remained on Harlan’s back patio and cried silently. Those damn lemons. I wanted to squeeze the life out of them, stomp them into the ground, and light them on fire. That’s what I’d do with them.

  So I pretty much single-handedly ended everything I had with Tyse. I didn’t think he would ever call me again. He’d probably change his phone number and get a restraining order against me. Instead of my name on the paperwork, it would say: CHICK THAT DOESN’T HAVE A CLUE.

  I didn’t really know what to do for a while except sit there. I couldn’t believe that I had refrained from such stupidity for so long, and then I screw it up in just one desperate minute. What was I thinking? I had one of the best relationships I’d ever had right then and there with Harlan, and I wasn’t happy enough with it? Why? What did I think could be better?

  After I stopped crying to myself, I began to dissect the entire issue in just a few minutes. I decided that maybe there was a reason for my stupidity. Tyse had, from day one, only thought of me as a friend. Yes, I understood there were one-sided crushes all over the world, but really…did I honestly not see it? What did I expect would happen when I told him how I felt? Did I expect him to confess his secret love for me? And if he had, what then? What about Harlan?

  Oh gosh, Harlan… I did love Harlan. Now I had just put my heart out there for another guy and he handed it right back, all the while Harlan waited stoically in the background for me to finally make a decision. How did my life become so complicated? Why did I have to go and mess it up? I couldn’t take it back, either. I could never change what I’d done.

  I knew I had to go inside eventually. Harlan was watching television in the front room, and I tried to get a glimpse of his mood before he saw me. But he watched me enter the room, no doubt studying my expression very carefully. I didn’t feel any unkind vibes from him—he actually motioned for me to sit with him—so I sat on the couch and laid my head against his shoulder. I wasn’t sure if he expected the whole scoop—probably not, knowing Harlan—but I figured that I shouldn’t keep anything from him, not even a tiny detail. He deserved at least that much. Right? Or maybe it would be better to just keep it simple.

  Yeah, that was probably the best choice.

  “So I told him how I felt,” I finally said. I was glad that I couldn’t see his face and I was able to stare at the television instead.

  “And what did he say?”

  “Well, when he finally could respond, he basically told me to forget about it, and then he hung up on me.”

  “What?” Clearly Harlan was shocked, and he moved so I was no longer lying against him. “You’ve got to be kidding me, Ellie.”

  I studied him for a few seconds. He looked a bit mystified. Whatever it was he felt about the situation, he obviously thought Tyse returned my feelings for him.

  “I’m…I’m a little confused,” he finally said. “You told him that you’re in love with him and he—”

  “No, I didn’t say that. I just…I told him that I’ve always had feelings for him, and that it’s been hard for me to move on because of it. He told me that I had to and…what I had with you was my future and that I shouldn’t screw it up.”

  I could tell he was processing the information and he slightly nodded. “Okay, so…what does this mean, Ellie? What does this mean to you, for us?”

  “It means that I’m humiliated, and that I should have just left things alone like I always have,” I growled.

  “Okay, so you’re angry with me because I pushed you into it, right?”

  I was going to object, but it kind of was how I felt. But I didn’t know how much of that anger had to do with Harlan, and how much of it had to do with being rejected. He was softly holding my hand, and I still felt every bit of compassion from him, but it confused me. How could he still do that? Why wasn’t he completely furious with me?

  “Perhaps it needed to happen,” he continued. “I know it’s not what you want to hear—well actually I’m not sure what you want to hear because I really don’t know what you want at this point—but you should probably take some time to process how you feel.”

  “What’s there to process? I made a mistake. Well, two actually. Well, probably more than that. But I guess I have my answers. That’s what you wanted, right? You wanted all of that cleared up so you didn’t have to worry about it anymore?”

  “Ellie, I don’t really feel like this has anything to do with me. Yes, it directly involves my future, but I’ve always felt like I was only here just for you. I’ve always felt like you needed me for other reasons besides a person to be in a relationship with.”

  “What? I’m not following you.” My heart became nervous because of the look on his face, the sound of his voice… I was worried about where this was heading.

  “Well, to be blunt about it, I’ve always been aware that you don’t love me as much as I love you—”

  “Harlan, don’t even say that.”

  “No, please let me finish. I’ve honestly never felt like you were mine to keep, Ellie. From the very beginning I knew it. I knew it down to my core. And I think that you and Tyse would probably be together right now if I hadn’t been so persistent. I realize that this could very well be my fault, and because I was so selfish about how much I wanted to be with you, I feel like I’ve pulled you further away from somewhere you already belonged. I’m sorry for that. I truly am. And I do love you Ellie, I always will, but for now maybe I should give you some wings, eh? You need to start following your heart and quit trying to be so reasonable.”

  I was speechless. And I wasn’t sure if he was breaking up with me, or just taking a step back to give me room like he’d always done in the past.

  “Uh…I don’t understand what you want from me, Harlan. I do love you.”

  He slightly nodded. “I know you do. But not enough.”

  “You can’t possibly weigh and measure how someone feels about somebody else.”

  “Maybe, but I can tell that you’re not ready to spend the rest of your life with me. If you don’t feel that way about someone, than you’re just not ready to love them entirely.”

  He was right, and I knew he was right. I did love him, so much, but it wasn’t that forever kind of love I was waiting to feel. I always thought I would grow to love him that way, and maybe I would, but for now he wasn’t okay with my reluctance anymore.

  “Harlan, just so I’m clear about this… Are you…ending things between us? I mean I think what we have is great, and I don’t want to lose you. I’m sorry about all of that stuff with Tyse. I know how much it bothered you. And now I’ve completely ruined my friendship with him, and now you…”

  “No,” he shook his head. “You still have me, Ellie. But just not right now, okay? I think you and I have come to a point where something needed to change—for both of us—and I think it was meant to be this way. You have something left unfinished, and you need to take care of it before you and I can move on—if that’s in the cards.”

  Oh my gosh, if I could be more confused…

  “Tyse,” he continued with a tiny smile. “It’s still unfinished, and you need to make it right.”

  “What? Did you not hear me tell you that he hung up on me? He thinks I’m nuts.”

  Harlan actually chuckled and it bugged me. Why was that so funny? But he said, “Ellie, my beautiful girl, think about it. Think about who Tyse is. Where he’s come from. The things he has said to you…”

  I gave him a blank stare.

  “Okay…the timing of the men in your life, and his pattern of backing off. What your sister said to him and how he believed it…how he insists that your life with me is great…how he—”

  “Oh my gosh,” I finally realized. “He really thinks he’s not good enough for me.”

  “Exactly. From everything you’ve told me, all he wants is fo
r you to be happy…to have a good life…particularly to be with someone that has everything going for them, their life together, and in the position to give you all that you need or want. Sweetheart, that is the ultimate sacrifice. I really doubt he thinks you’re nuts. You’ve only scared the living daylights out of him by reciprocating his feelings.”

  My heart felt really strange. I couldn’t tell if it was angry, or scared, or if I was just flat out gonna have a heart attack. The fact that I wanted to believe every word that Harlan said, the way that I felt at peace in my relationship with him, made me finally realize what was happening. He was letting me go because I belonged somewhere else.

  “Is this really what you want?” I had to ask. “I mean I completely understand because I’m sure this hasn’t been very fun for you to deal with, but are you telling me that we’re…at a fork in the road?”

  “Yes, I suppose so. I think you need to head a different direction for now—find out what it is you truly want. I’ll still be on the straight and narrow if you decide to rejoin me,” he added with a wink.

  It made me smile as well, but it was all so overwhelming for me. Did he honestly expect me to pursue Tyse? How could Harlan really be sure of his opinions about him? I felt like I’d just been dumped into the water.

  “Why do you look like you’re about to panic?” he asked. “Isn’t this what you want?”

  “I…I…”

  “Ellie, you can do this. I think it’s time you figure it out once and for all. And it’s not for me, love. It’s for yourself. This has haunted you, and you’ve been too stubborn, or too afraid, to face it.”

  “With good reason. Do you know what you’re asking me to do? You’re asking me to put my heart out there again, Harlan. I don’t know if I can do that.”

  “I’m asking you to look beyond what’s difficult for you. You already know how you feel. I’m asking you to help him realize what he feels, what he needs, and that you have a say in this too. I’m asking you to reach out to him because he’s unable to reach out for himself.”

  That was true of Tyse. He had a hard time feeling like he deserved anything. But now that he’d made a baseball team, would there really be room for me? Maybe that would change everything anyways. Maybe he’d finally reached out for what he really wanted.

  “Ellie, just do it, sweetheart. Do you really have anything to lose? You already think you’ve made a mistake telling him how you feel. Now it’s time to prove to yourself that you were right. It’s time to go with your instincts, eh?”

  “But I have a lot to lose. You. I do love you, Harlan.”

  “Now that I’ve made all of that clear for Tyse, let me make something clear for myself. I love you, too. I truly do. And I do want to marry you if we get to that point together, please don’t feel like I’m giving up on us, but I feel like I’m up against a wall here. And I’m not going to be truly happy unless you are. So, even though this is a little more than I want to handle right now, I feel the only correct thing to do is to allow you the freedom to make your own choices. I don’t think I can expect you to do that without…without letting you go. It could be for a little while, or it could be for good, but I have to give you that. And it’s not because I don’t care about you; it’s the complete opposite because of how much I love you.”

  “The ultimate sacrifice,” I whispered.

  He was quiet for a few seconds as he seemed to contemplate. “Well, I guess Tyse has inspired me to be a better man as well. I’ve never even met him, but I like him. Maybe that’s because I see him through your eyes. And I think I can understand what he’s been going through with you. If he feels for you how I believe he feels, then it’s been like a stab to the heart every time he talks to you on the phone. When you showed up in California unexpectedly, it was probably the most joyous occasion for him, yet the most painful at the same time. Do you not feel that from him? Maybe slightly unnerved from time to time, yet happy to be with you as well? I’m betting that he loves to be around you—to hear your voice, to see your beautiful face—but it probably kills him at the same time. That is what it feels like to be in love with someone and you can’t, or won’t, let them know it.”

  I had never been in love with one of my friends, so I wasn’t familiar with the feeling. But that was exactly how it was for me when I finally realized how I felt about Tyse. I wasn’t sure how long Tyse had felt that way too, if he really did feel that way, but once I thought about it, it just made sense to me.

  I could also tell that Harlan knew what he was talking about on a personal level, and I did feel terrible about that. But his relaxed nature, his “this is life” kind of attitude, really softened situations like this. He may have very well been hurting on the inside, but I was sure he really meant everything he said.

  We sat and talked for another hour, and by the time I decided to leave for the evening, I felt like things were okay with Harlan and I was ready to face a very difficult choice involving my future. I couldn’t possibly know how my relationship with Tyse was going to turn out, but I knew I had to try. I couldn’t believe it was Harlan himself that had convinced me to make the step, but he was the kind of guy that I felt very blessed to have in my life.

  Harlan walked me to my car and gave me a kiss goodbye. I hugged him for quite awhile as we stood in his driveway, and when I finally pulled away to leave, he softly took my hand to stop me.

  “Ellie, what did he call for? Tyse. He never calls. Why did he call?”

  “Oh. Uh…he made a team with the Dodgers. One of their minor league teams in California.”

  He raised his eyebrows with surprise. “Really now? Wow, that’s… Well good for him, right? You’re happy for him?”

  “Yes, absolutely.”

  “But…does that change anything? A baseball career I mean.”

  “It doesn’t for me, but we’ll have to figure things out if it comes to that.”

  He nodded. “Okay, then. Take care of yourself? And do call me if you’d like.”

  “Okay,” I smiled. I gave him one last hug and kiss, and then headed home with major butterflies in my stomach.

  It was time to clear things up with Tyse once and for all.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  You’d think just getting through a phone call would be easy enough, but of course Tyse wouldn’t answer his phone that night. I tried four different times only to get his voicemail. I did leave a message (twice) and it sounded something like, “We really need to talk, Tyse. And I don’t care if you think I’m becoming some crazy stalker, but you have to call me back. I need to talk to you. And if you don’t call me back, I’m just going to come find you. See how you like that for stalking…”

  Okay, so I really was becoming desperate. But what else was I supposed to do? How do you talk to someone that doesn’t want to talk to you? I guess you make it so they have to talk to you. Maybe paying him a visit was about the only thing I could do. He’d have to listen to me if we were face-to-face, right?

  But first I had to calm down. I wasn’t thinking very rationally. I was still only assuming things at that point, and maybe Tyse really did think I was crazy. Maybe he was avoiding me for another reason instead.

  I called Nate. Yes, I was back to that again. I didn’t really want to, but I figured it was better than hopping on a plane only to find out that Tyse had already been traded to a team in Texas or something. (I had no idea how these baseball things worked.)

  Nate was at home, and he even picked up on the second ring with, “He’s not here, Ellie.”

  “Can you tell me where he is then?”

  “He’s up north. He’s supposed to start playing with his new team tomorrow.”

  “In Cuca-whatever?”

  He kind of chuckled. “Rancho Cucamonga, yeah. Listen Ellie, this has to stop, okay? I can’t stand seeing him this way. You gotta quit playing games with him. Just leave him alone.”

  “Okay, what games are you talking about?” I replied, starting to feel a bit angry.


  “You’ve got a guy, okay? Just forget about Tyse and let him get his life together, all right?”

  “What the hell does that mean?” I growled.

  “Shit, I can’t believe I’m saying this for him,” he murmured. “It means that he’s in love with you, Ellie. My boy is so in love with you that he can’t even think straight. I mean he’s breaking parts and shit because he’s daydreaming about you all the time. I can’t even get him to focus for five minutes. It’s a good thing he’s outta here; I’m losing money because of you.”

  I almost couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I mean it’s what I wanted to hear but—

  “I don’t know what’s going on,” he continued, “but the last thing he said was that you were better off without him. Whatever you said to him on the phone really knocked him for one, you know? I like you and all chica, but lay off, okay? He can’t handle all the ‘you’re my best friend’ crap that you give him—”

  “Nate—”

  “—Just let him play some ball without feeling like he’s gonna fall apart every time you call—”

  “Nate—”

  “—He needs to stop worrying about you and what’s going on in your life, and I swear if he listens to another one of your damn morning shows I’m gonna make sure you just lose your job, Ellie!”

  Whoa. That was a chewing out if I ever heard one. But I was afraid he was going to hang up on me so I quickly said, “He listens to my show?”

  “Pssh, yeah, like every freakin’ day. For an hour when he wakes up, on the way to school on his phone, and then between his first and second class when you guys are just finishing up. He’s a freakin’ sap, and I’m sick and tired of it. You gotta leave him alone, Ellie. He just—”

  “Would you shut up?”

  “What?”

  “Shut up, Nate. I love him. I told him how much I care about him and he hung up on me!”

  It was silent for several seconds. “What? Did I just hear you right?”

  “Are you telling me he honestly feels the same way about me?”