The Deadening

by Yvonne Heidt

  “I’m not capable of that shit. I’m broken,” Shade whispered. When Raven stirred and cried out, Shade got back into bed and curled around her, hoping Raven hadn’t met one of her demons. Regret snuck past Shade’s barriers. She was going to have to break Raven’s heart in order to save her.

  And in turn, add one more dance with the Devil on her dance card.

  *

  When Raven woke up, Shade wasn’t in bed. The appearance of the room was worse now that she could see it in the daylight, and she mentally added cleaning it to her ongoing to-do list.

  She’d just gotten out of the bed and was just on her way to the bathroom when she heard a crash in the kitchen. She raced down the hall.

  Shade stood in the center of the room and shook an empty bottle at her. “Where is everything? Dammit—I knew where things were before you cleaned it.”

  Not the flowers and sunshine reception she’d hoped for. Shade’s angry energy was evident in her tone of voice. Raven was initially stunned but quickly squashed her reaction. It wasn’t in her nature to back down. “Good morning, and you’re welcome.”

  “I didn’t ask you to do this.”

  “Oh, you’d rather live like a pig?

  Shade glared at her. “Didn’t I call you a taxi last night?”

  Raven stared right back and bit her tongue. Again, it appeared Shade didn’t remember making love to her.

  “Jesus!” Shade yelled when she opened the refrigerator door. “Where’s my fucking beer?” She crossed to the kitchen trash can and opened the lid.

  “It’s eight in the morning,” Raven said calmly.

  “So? You know what—I don’t need to explain myself to you.”

  “Madre de Dios, are you always this ungrateful?” Raven bit her lip to control it, but the intention formed in her mind anyway, and an instant later, the empty bottle Shade was holding flew out of her hand and smashed against the wall.

  Shade didn’t even flinch. “Two-bit magic, got anything better?”

  Raven was stunned. Who was this stranger? She’d wanted Shade as long as she could remember, and she’d never seen this side of her. She’d viewed her as a reluctant necromancer, a James Dean misunderstood type. Not this horrible and rude version in front of her.

  She felt her temper dangerously close to the surface. How dare Shade treat her this way? There had to be something else going on, but with her emotions screaming charge—she wasn’t exactly clear-headed.

  “I can hear you,” Shade said. “And you’re speaking Spanish. If you want to fight, think in English so I can understand you.” She drank from the milk carton, put it back in the refrigerator, and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.

  Raven’s mouth fell open. Her blood began to boil. Damn her. “That’s freaking gross. You’re not supposed to drink from the box.”

  “You see my mama around here?” Shade pointedly looked at an empty corner in the room. “Well, not lately.”

  Raven let that remark slide. Years ago, she’d heard her mother talking to one of her aunts about how Shade’s mother had been murdered. Then she heard Shade mumble something else.

  “What did you say?” Raven crossed her arms across her chest.

  Shade looked down at her feet. “Nothing.”

  “Look, I didn’t come here for you to be nasty. I’ll leave you to your chaos.” Raven would be damned if she’d put up with this shit. She needed some space to think.

  She went back to the living room, avoided looking at the leather armchair, and grabbed her shoes and purse. When she came back out, the kitchen was empty but the door to the garage was open. She quickly put herself together and went out the door.

  Shade was waiting in the van. “I’ll drive you to your car.”

  Raven didn’t want to get in, but it was a long way to walk, and a taxi would take at least another forty-five minutes. She didn’t want to be late for work either.

  She neutralized her expression, gathered her dignity around her boiling temper, and reluctantly got in the van.

  “Thanks for the ride home,” Shade said. “I appreciate your concern, but I don’t need it.”

  Oh, but you do.

  Shade burned rubber in the driveway. “I don’t need your fucking pity!”

  “Stop doing that. It’s rude!” Raven turned to look out the window, seething inside. It was just a short drive to where she’d left her car and she didn’t want to argue anymore.

  Shade pulled up behind it.

  “I’ll see you later,” Raven said quietly.

  “What is wrong with you?” Shade asked. “Why are you hounding me?”

  Raven was shocked. Is that what she looked like? Oh. My. God. Now, she was utterly embarrassed and didn’t know what to say. She searched Shade’s expression for something, anything, to lessen the bitter taste of her question. Was she serious? She was horrified to find that tears were ready to fall, but there was no way in hell she was going to let Shade see them.

  “Don’t flatter yourself. I meant at work.” Raven slammed the door shut when she got out.

  La Diabla, Raven thought, and hoped she shouted it loud enough in her head for Shade to hear her.

  She got in her small economy car, a gift from her mother at graduation. It wasn’t until she looked into her rearview mirror she realized she hadn’t even brushed her hair yet.

  The long strands were snarled, giving that messy look some girls craved, but not her. She loved her long, straight hair. She noticed someone peeking out the window of a nearby house, so she started the car and then headed across the Manette Bridge toward the other side of town.

  Now she’d have to deal with her mother and her questions about why she hadn’t come home last night.

  The “I’m twenty-one” argument didn’t work with her. As long as she lived under her roof, it was mother’s rules. She could recite the lecture verbatim.

  Raven sighed. There was no use stretching the truth, or even outright lying. Her mother always knew. It had already been a draining morning and she didn’t want to argue with her mother any more than she had with Shade.

  She ran up the walkway and entered the house to find her mother standing in the hallway with her hands on her hips.

  “Where have you been?”

  Raven’s throat tightened and she knew she was on the verge of tears again. She tried to keep her voice steady while she evaded. “Um, just out. Nowhere important, Mama. I’m sorry I didn’t call. I didn’t mean to worry you.”

  Her mother looked surprised, as if she’d been resigned for one of their fights. Raven didn’t blame her. She had been a difficult teenager at best, and even though she was now of age, they still possessed that same synergy most of the time. Raven always fought fiercely for her independence, but now she could see the toll it had taken over the years.

  She was ashamed to see the weariness in her mother’s features, to know she was responsible for most of the anxiety her mother wore in and under her eyes, along with the lines of resignation around her mouth. Her older sister, Lark, had always been day compared to Raven’s night. It had been hard trying to live up to Lark’s reputation, her perfect grades, looks, and sweet disposition.

  Raven had lived most of her life trying to be the exact opposite. She was sure that none of the gray hair on her mother’s head had come from Lark or any of her other siblings.

  “Take your shower,” her mother said gently. “You’ll be late for work and I have to go.”

  Raven nodded as her mother turned. “Mama?”

  “Yes?”

  “I love you.”

  “I love you too, mija.”

  She stood in the hall and watched her mother walk away. In the space of two days, it seemed her world turned upside down and backward.

  It left her feeling lost, as if she didn’t belong in her own space.

  *

  Shade’s regret twisted inside her on the return trip home as she thought of her behavior. In another time, Lacey, the girl she’d once been so long ago, w
ould have been a better match for Raven. But there wasn’t anything left of her, and Shade wasn’t made for relationships. They came with a cost she refused to pay.

  She’d seen too much, had done too much, to be worthy of anyone to love. Besides, she liked her life the way it was. She didn’t answer to anybody, she did what she wanted when she wanted, slept with whom she chose, and then walked away with no ties and no regrets.

  Nope, she’d done that feeling thing. And look how that turned out. The one person capable of loving her had walked away.

  Because she was broken.

  Still, she wasn’t going to lie and tell herself she wasn’t disappointed at what might have been possible if her life had been different. The look on Raven’s face nearly undid Shade’s resolve to send her away.

  Raven’s earth scent hung in the air, and her energy still wavered in the atmosphere. She probably could have handled that better. She could have explained and listed all the reasons that she shouldn’t stay. But something told her Raven would have just argued back.

  She was puzzled about the depth of Raven’s feelings for her. The only contact she’d had with her over the years had been when Shade shopped at her family’s store, Whispering Winds.

  More often than not, Shade would smile or wink at her. Raven was a cute kid.

  Kid.

  That’s all. At that point in her life, Raven was the only child Shade had met that didn’t cringe from her when she walked into a room. Most children subconsciously knew she favored the dark side, and automatically kept their distance.

  Shade had worked very hard on her persona. She relished the whole necromancer thing—wearing black, wearing dark makeup—and fed on fear. Quite frankly, the only women it attracted were weird ones, into all that death shit.

  She still couldn’t figure out why Raven even looked twice at her, let alone dreamed last night of a happily ever after with her.

  It could be her death sentence, as far as Shade was concerned.

  Her life before meeting Sunny and Tiffany held nothing but agony. Her friends had pulled Shade through her most painful memories of the past and showed her what love was.

  But as it turned out, Shade’s love was dark and dangerous. If Sunny, the woman who professed to love Shade most, couldn’t live with her, then there were no more options, and no chance for any others to attempt to get close to her.

  Raven’s energy was impulsive. And if she really knew Shade, she wouldn’t stay—she’d run far and fast in the other direction. She was too young to know better.

  The standoff in the kitchen had been a surprise. When Raven stood up to her, she hadn’t even blinked before the bottle went flying. Shade was impressed and just twisted enough she found the angry energy stimulating.

  Once upon a time, Shade might have taken a chance and explored what might happen next, but not at the expense of Raven’s feelings. She couldn’t, in good conscience, hurt her later when she knew how Raven felt now.

  She almost welcomed Juanita’s impending consequences. She certainly felt as if she deserved them.

  A familiar ache in her temples traveled down her neck, and settled in her shoulders, balling up between her shoulder blades.

  That, at least, she could fix. She walked back to her bathroom where she kept her pain pills.

  Three ought to do it, right? Shade shook them out into her palm. Almost as if her hands answered the question for her, the bands around her heart tightened, and the corners of her eyes burned.

  Four would work better.

  Chapter Three

  Raven watched the last of the fire dim, until only one small orange ember was left. She remained in her cross-legged position on the floor with her hands on her knees, inhaling the last of the spicy scents. It burned her eyes, a small price for feeling the success of her spell. Her skin tingled with seductive heat.

  The intention needed to complete the ritual was easy—she’d only needed to remember being naked with Shade. Too bad Shade didn’t remember being naked with her.

  This ought to fix that. A small, innocent spell to help Shade remember their time together. Well, that and a little you-know-you-want-me-again thrown in for good measure.

  Shade had stayed away from the office for three days, and so far, Raven managed to not drive by her house. Her pride kept her from checking the clubs and bars.

  Barely.

  She was going crazy with the not knowing. It disturbed her that she had tendencies and more than a little insight on stalking behaviors. She kept running through the memories of her time with Shade over and over again, trying to find where she went wrong. Raven wasn’t made for one- or two-night stands. But when she had seen Shade on her birthday, the dam of feelings she’d held for so long burst, and she had no idea how to put them back away again.

  Once her head cleared from that awful scene in the kitchen, Raven knew Shade was lying to her and being mean on purpose. She could feel it. But why?

  She also realized what she was doing under the full moon tonight was impulsive, but she felt compelled. She rationalized it by telling herself Shade just needed a nudge. Nothing wrong with a little nudge, right?

  She heard the door open behind her, and Raven rushed to clear the remains of her ritual.

  “What are you doing?” Lark asked.

  “Nothing,” Raven snapped. “Couldn’t you have knocked?”

  “I can smell the herbs you used. Don’t let Mama catch you.” Lark bent over to look at what Raven was hiding.

  “Catch what?” Busted. “She knows I’m practicing.” She hoped she sounded casual.

  “Does she know you’re casting a spell on someone else? Not good, Raven.” Her sister’s tone softened. “You realize that can backfire, right?”

  “Okay, how do you know what I was doing?” Raven pointed to her clean, small, cast iron cauldron, where no traces of the ashy incense remained.

  Lark sighed. “Clean the rest of your stuff up and we’ll talk, okay?” She left the room, closing the door gently behind her.

  Another awkward conversation, Raven thought. Lark actually seemed concerned, though. What was up with everyone in her life showing different aspects of themselves? First her mother, and now her sister. It was as if they changed overnight.

  Maybe it’s you who’s changed.

  She quickly put her tools away, cleared the floor, and then put her rug back in the center of the room. She opened the window and turned on the fan, letting the chilled air clear away the last of the smoke. When she finished, she did a double check of her room to make certain everything looked normal.

  She crossed to her personal altar and lit some sage. Their house always smelled of the sweet grass. It was a scent she associated with home and love. Satisfied with her work, she went off to find Lark, hoping against hope she hadn’t misjudged her kindness.

  Lark may have her mother fooled, but Raven knew all too well that her sister had many masks, and you never knew which one was in use until Lark chose to show you. She wasn’t as goody-goody as most people thought. She was just much better than Raven at getting away with things.

  She admired that about her, even as it pissed her off. Especially when Raven got blamed for Lark’s actions. But she never told on her; it wasn’t in her nature. She might be the only one in the family to know what her sister kept buried deep inside her, but she would never betray her.

  Lark sat at the small red Formica-topped table. Raven loved that kitchen set. It was a throwback from the fifties, and her mother had owned it since it was new. The chairs had been re-covered a few times over the years, but the table was constant. They’d learned to cook, done their homework, laughed and cried at it.

  All serious family conversations started and ended there.

  Raven rode the rush of nostalgia. She was so sensitive lately, her emotions felt raw. It was easy to blame Shade and her rejection, but everyone around her was acting weird. She was sure of it.

  “Sit down, hermana.” Lark pointed to the chair across from her.


  Raven was uncharacteristically nervous but sat anyway.

  “How’s the job working out for you?”

  Although it appeared to be just small talk, Lark had a way of winding the conversation to her own advantage. You would relax and think you were safe, and then bam, she’d nail you, putting you on the defense. “It’s great.” Short and sweet would be the safe way to answer until Lark made her point.

  “And the women who run it? How do you get along with them?”

  “Sunny is amazing, so is her partner, Jordan. Tiffany and Kat just got back from their honeymoon in Hawaii, so I’m just getting to know them.”

  “How’s Aura doing?”

  “Oh, she breezes in and out to make sure I’m doing a good job for SOS.”

  Lark grinned. “I’m glad that Mama’s good friend thought of you when she retired.”

  “Me too.” Raven’s anxiety kicked up another notch. The tension in the air was building as Lark finally came to the point.

  “And Shade?”

  Crap. She knew. Raven tread carefully and shrugged nonchalantly. “Shade is Shade, you know?”

  “Raven. I’m not mad. I’m worried.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I know how long you’ve had a crush on her.”

  And Lark had teased her mercilessly about it over the years. Why did people always say the word “crush” as if it weren’t a serious thing? As if the pain of longing and angst was less than real somehow and didn’t measure up to what they considered real love? It made her angry. Raven felt her cheeks heat up but tried to keep her composure. If she reacted at all to Lark’s statement, it would only get worse. She wiped her hand across the table, searching for invisible crumbs. It was spotless already, but it gave her something to do, and she kept silent even as she felt the ache in her heart. It matched the empty feeling she felt in the area of her stomach. She was tired of hurting because she wanted Shade. And when she’d finally got her, she’d been rejected. Damned if she didn’t, and damned if she did.