The Deadening

by Yvonne Heidt

  “What for?” Shade asked.

  “It’s a surprise,” Raven said quietly. “And you’re spoiling it.” Raven turned to the door, her shoulders slumped. “Never mind. I’ll be in the kitchen.”

  Shade felt horrible about the disappointment on Raven’s features, but she also felt uneasy about wanting to make it better. This rollercoaster ride was getting old. She would have to get off sooner or later or it would kill her.

  Shade carefully got out of bed and silently thanked Angel because the action only produced a fraction of the pain she’d felt the day before.

  It was enough of a difference to make Shade scorn the walker and reach for the cane instead. Aura must have made it for her. It was beautiful, carved out of wood, and topped with a dragon and a crystal. It was exactly something her chosen mother would do for her.

  She was halfway to her bathroom when she sensed Raven in the hallway watching her progress. Shade smiled to herself and kept walking.

  When she was in the shower, she recalled the dream she’d had during the night. She was back in that cursed cave, but Shade’s living room furniture was in it, and Phaedra was sitting in Shade’s recliner.

  “Some setup you have here,” Phaedra said.

  “Go away,” Shade yelled. “And get out of my fucking chair.”

  Phaedra made a tsking sound. “Not so fast.”

  “What do you want?” Shade asked. “Go back to hell where you belong.”

  “Oh, that hurt. I thought we were friends.” Two fat tears slid down Phaedra’s cheeks.

  “Don’t turn on the waterworks,” Shade said. “Your alligator tears don’t faze me.”

  Phaedra laughed. “Okay.”

  “Tell me what you want and what it will take to get you to leave me alone.”

  “Come back with me.”

  “Um, let me think about it—no.”

  “How long are you going to play house and pretend you deserve this?” Phaedra looked at her nails. “How long do you think Raven will stay with you? A year, two maybe? She’s very young. How much longer until she realizes she has the shitty short end of the stick and leaves you?”

  Shade’s stomach twisted in knots. “Why are you doing this to me?”

  “Just keeping it real, Lacey. You’re a novelty, a childhood crush. What’s going to happen when you fall off that pedestal? And you know you will. When do you think she’ll get tired of the depression, and the pity parties you throw for yourself on a regular basis? Mmm? And what do you think she’ll say about the pills, and your addiction? What then?”

  Phaedra sounded exactly like Shade’s conscience before the accident. There might be something to that, but the idea scared her to death. As much as she wanted to hate herself, she didn’t want to disappoint Raven any more than she already had. Shade let the hot water run in her face, and washed the doubts and accusations Phaedra had thrown at her down the drain.

  Raven had piqued her curiosity, and although she didn’t want to admit it, Shade was excited to know what the surprise was. It had been a long time since someone had wanted to do something to surprise her. In a good way, anyway.

  *

  “Where are we going?” Shade asked.

  Raven glanced at her while she drove. “For the umpteenth time, you’ll know when we get there. And stop whining.”

  The look of surprise on Shade’s face, and the way her shoulders squared when she turned to look out the window, indicated to Raven she was pouting, and she hid her laugh behind a discrete cough.

  After navigating the long back roads behind Silverdale, Raven drove past the sign for Wildcat Lake’s public beach and took the road toward the private residences lining the shore.

  Ten minutes later, she pulled into a long, steep driveway and parked by the side of a three-story house.

  “Here,” Raven said. “This is where we’re going.” She got out of the car, ignoring Shade’s protests and questions, and went to the trunk. She pulled out a collapsible wheelchair, opened it, and returned to the passenger side.

  “I’m not using that!” Shade said. “Fuck no.”

  “Please,” Raven said while she held on to her patience for dear life. “It will be easier for both of us. Could you please stop arguing and just trust me.”

  Shade looked as if she might protest, but then surprised Raven by sitting down. Raven leaned over to adjust the brakes and felt hot breath fan across her cleavage. “You staring at my tits now?”

  Shade muttered something Raven couldn’t quite make out, and she stood. “What was that?”

  “I said,” Shade’s jaw tightened, “I can’t help it when you stick them in my face.”

  Raven smiled. “Okay, I’ll give you that one. See how easy it can be when you don’t argue?” She pushed the chair down the remaining walkway, past the hedge barrier and heard Shade’s intake of breath.

  Spread out below them was the lake, its surface smooth as glass. The slight breeze brought the scent of flowers and trees, and laced it with morning sunshine, promising a beautiful day.

  Raven loved it here and came as often as she could, or the weather would allow. She was glad to be able to share it, particularly with Shade. “It’s stunning, isn’t it?”

  “It is,” Shade said. “Who lives here?”

  “My tio, Dave.”

  “Your mom’s brother?”

  “No,” Raven said. “My last living relative on my father’s side.” She muscled the wheelchair over the gap between the path and the patio, circled the pool, and stopped at the table overlooking the lake. “Here we go. The sun won’t come into this area until later.”

  “It’s fine,” Shade said. “Beautiful.”

  “I know, right?” Raven locked the brakes. “It’s my favorite place in the world. I’ll be back. I have to unload the car.”

  Shade nodded and continued to stare at the water. The breeze ruffled her hair, and Raven watched her inhale the wonderful scent of early summer. Raven ran back up the path to get the baskets and bags of food.

  While Shade had mostly slept during the last two days, Raven had planned the picnic. Sunny, Tiffany, Aura, and surprisingly, Raven’s mother, had all contributed their own dishes. She knew that Shade considered herself a night person, but they all agreed the excursion would be healthy for her. The accident and long stay in the hospital seemed to cling to Shade, and surrounded her with the air of illness. Raven didn’t have high expectations for the day, but considered it a good start.

  Maybe she could get Shade to smile.

  Maybe.

  Raven hauled in the goodies, spread them out on the counter, and made platters to put in the refrigerator, to serve when lunchtime came around.

  She glanced out the sliding doors. Shade was still sitting at the table, appearing calm. Raven felt some of the stress of the last several weeks slide off her shoulders, as she felt able to put more of the trauma they’d been through to rest.

  Today, she just wanted to have a carefree day with Shade. Something resembling a date.

  The sound of the sliding door opening had Shade turning to look at Raven.

  “Sorry it took so long,” Raven said and handed her a bottle of cold water. “There was more food than I thought.”

  “A picnic by the lake?”

  Raven smiled and nodded. “Do you like it?”

  “This is my surprise?” Shade’s expression was unreadable.

  Raven had a put a lot of effort into this day, yet now, with one comment, she felt unsure. “Yes.”

  “It’s amazing,” Shade said softly. “Thank you.”

  Raven was pleasantly relieved and glad she hadn’t snapped that Shade was being ungrateful. Score one for her, she thought. “You’ve been cooped up for too long.”

  Shade nodded. “Feels like forever.”

  “It does, doesn’t it?” Raven asked. “I can’t believe my birthday was less than three months ago. It feels like ten years.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “No,” Raven said. “I wasn’
t looking for an apology—and it’s not necessary in any case.”

  “But—”

  “Look,” Raven interrupted. “Anything I’ve gone through, I chose to do. You don’t get to take responsibility for my choices, got it?”

  The muscles along Shade’s jaw twitched and jumped. Raven knew she was holding back.

  Raven lowered her voice. “Can’t we just have a real conversation, like other people?”

  “Can we?” Shade looked wistful. “I don’t know if I remember how to.”

  “But you can,” Raven said. “Let’s try, okay?”

  “All right, we’ll see.” Shade opened her bottle and took a long drink, but she never took her eyes from Raven’s.

  It was a little unnerving, the hungry intensity of Shade’s gaze, but it also caused the muscles in Raven’s belly to flutter. It made her feel naked, both emotionally and physically.

  Neither one wanted to be the one who gave in first, so the stare continued. It had become sort of a ritual between them. Finally, Raven realized she should just let it go. It wasn’t important who won this battle, just that they get through it. She looked down at the table and drummed her fingers along the edge. “So, do you want to talk about…”

  “Not particularly,” Shade said. “I haven’t worked it all out in my head yet.”

  “How awkward is this?” Raven asked. “We’ve been buck naked, fucked each other silly, and we can’t find something easy to talk about?”

  Shade grinned. “Kind of backward, huh?”

  “Absolutely.” Raven felt better and asked the next question on her list. “Did you actually not remember being with me?”

  Shade put her elbow on the table and leaned closer, fixing her dark eyes on Raven’s again before she licked her upper lip. “No, I lied.”

  “Stop that,” Raven said. “I can’t think when you look at me like that.”

  “Like what?”

  “Don’t you play stupid with me. You know exactly what that look does.”

  “Touché,” Shade said and tipped her water bottle in a toast. “As do you with that outfit you’re wearing. But you and I both know this isn’t about sex.”

  Shade had her there, thought Raven. She didn’t know what to say, so she looked down again.

  “Raven,” Shade said. “Why?”

  She could sense the genuineness behind Shade’s question, the almost desperate need to know something, anything to help her understand. But this was the subject that meant the most to Raven. Her feelings had been building for years and there was no denying them. Nor did she want to, really. In her heart, she’d loved Shade for over a decade; it was beyond difficult knowing that Shade didn’t hold the same feelings for her. Her throat started to close, the lump preceding the tears that Raven knew were coming. She had to get away first. “I’ll go get some food.”

  *

  Shade watched as Raven entered the house, her shoulders obviously tense. See, Shade thought, she didn’t even need to try to piss her off. All she had to do was show up.

  Her mind returned to the time she was Raven’s age, and it made her feel ancient in comparison. It was during the time when Shade was head over heels in love with Sunny. Twenty-one seemed a thousand years away.

  Sunny, who’d been all light and sweetness, until she became lovers with Shade. Then she’d changed, became jumpy and nervous all the time. Dark circles ringed her eyes, and Sunny had worn Shade’s feelings like an old army coat that was too big for her.

  Shade had been so caught up in her fantasy, reveling in the victory of actually winning Sunny after she’d longed for her for years. She hadn’t seen the signs. Even after she’d left her, Shade’s fantasy hadn’t changed. She’d refused to see the reality of the situation, and blamed Sunny for something that wasn’t her fault.

  Despite that, Sunny still loved her. Shade considered herself fortunate for that, and conceded that the glow Sunny wore these days was due to Jordan.

  Shade made a vow to be nicer to her and retrieved two pills from the bottle of painkillers in the side pocket of her cargo pants. She thought about it for a moment, then put one back. She didn’t want to hide from all the memories today.

  Raven’s in the same position I was with Sunny. Shade knew exactly how that felt, and yet, she’d been horrible, and hurtful, to her.

  Raven had kicked her ass before the accident, and Shade was still secretly impressed. But when was the last time Shade had considered someone else’s feelings?

  Ever?

  It had always been about Shade’s wounds, Shade’s past, and the resentments she held against the people who’d hurt her.

  Shade considered all of it justified resentment—against her mother, the man who raped her, the doctors that kept her locked up, and the list went on.

  Phaedra had been right. The girl who had been Lacey was still helpless and still cried in her prison. Didn’t that make her a victim? Holy shit, that was a lot to take in, and she wasn’t certain she could fix her if she tried.

  Badass Shade, who wasn’t afraid of anything, was terrified to let Lacey out. Maybe she should take another painkiller.

  Before she could reach for the bottle again, a plate was set in front of her. Shade glanced up into Raven’s face. She attempted to read her, but Raven’s blocks were secure. “You’re getting excellent with that.”

  “Gracias, I’ve been working on it. Tiffany is teaching me.”

  “She’s the best at it, well, I used to be the best, but hey, go Tiff.” Shade looked down at her plate of fried chicken, potato salad, and another salad she couldn’t readily identify because the greens had violets and other flowers in it.

  “My tia’s specialty. It’s a mix of relaxing and happy stuff.”

  “Oh,” Shade said. “That helps.”

  Raven smiled. “It’s good. We just call it Tia’s happy salad. There’s more food in the house for later. My mother made the fried chicken, Tiffany made the potato salad, and Aura and Sunny made the desserts.”

  “It looks great. What did you make?” Shade asked.

  “I volunteered to put up with your ass for the day.” Raven set down the silverware and napkins.

  “Wow, really?” Shade said. That remark stung a little, and she sought Raven’s eyes again.

  “I’m only joking.” Raven sat in the chair to Shade’s left. “It isn’t hard to spend a day by the lake is it?”

  “No.” Shade ate the small purple flower. “It’s good.”

  “I know.” Raven nibbled on a chicken thigh. Shade was fascinated with her lips.

  Raven oozed sexuality, even when she was mad and spitting with temper, Shade found her incredibly hot. The juxtaposition of her attraction and the need to push her away for her own protection was strenuous.

  “I don’t need your protection,” Raven said.

  “You can read me?” Shade asked. “That’s so not fair.” Christ, she felt like a failure. Nothing was coming back yet, and even her blocks were still down.

  “Just since you’ve been home, and you can’t? I didn’t know that.” Raven set her fork down. “Can we please just enjoy the day? We don’t have to save anyone alive or dead. We don’t even have to fix the world’s problems. Today, we are enjoying the view, eating good food that our friends and family prepared, and…”

  “And what?” Shade asked.

  “Getting some sun on your pasty gringa skin. You’re so white, you’re almost transparent.”

  Shade laughed. “I could tan for an entire summer and not get the beautiful color you have.”

  “When was the last time you didn’t live like a vampire?”

  Shade thought about it and couldn’t remember. “I don’t know.”

  “How does your back feel?”

  “Okay.” Actually, Shade wasn’t in any pain at all. The thing causing her the most discomfort was how exposed she felt. Usually, that was something she shut down, so she’d never known what walking through to the other side being vulnerable could bring. It was new territory,
but Shade felt she might be a tiny bit willing to find out. Somehow, the time felt right.

  Raven wiped her hands on one of the bright orange fabric napkins her mother had packed into the basket. The light breeze caught a tendril of her hair that had escaped her ponytail, and blew it across her face.

  Shade took a deep breath. “Raven, please tell me why you chose me.”

  Raven’s expression was unreadable, but her eyes were deep with emotion. “I don’t think you’re ready to hear my answer,” she said. “In any case, I don’t think I want to share it just yet.” She picked up their dishes to take them into the house.

  Shade had nothing but more questions. When she finally wanted to explore Raven’s feelings, she shut her out. It made her sad to think she might have lost her opportunity to get to know her better.

  And realistically, she had no redeeming qualities to offer her. She’d slept with hundreds of women, taken too many drugs to name, and dead people popped into her life at all hours of the day and night. Well, they used to, anyway. Shade felt a true and deep regret for some of the choices she’d made over the years. Choices she’d thought would make her feel better, but in reality, only reinforced the bars around Lacey’s prison.

  She’d yet to see one dead person since she woke from her coma. Maybe she’d been given a reprieve by the Universe, kind of like maternity leave. You die, and you get a break to deal with it when you get back.

  Shade hit an emotional wall. It was too much for one day. The sun had moved position in the sky, warming her body to the bone. The heat was welcome, and she rested her head on the back of the chair before she drifted off.

  *

  Raven washed the dishes as she watched Shade nod off outside. She’d come to the decision earlier, when Shade had asked why the first time, she was going to keep that answer close to herself for a while. The first time she’d shared her crush with Shade, she’d basically laughed her out of the room and mocked her. Raven knew deep down that Shade had been lying to her about how she felt, but she wasn’t going to give her another chance to do so. Not anytime soon, anyway. She was content to help Shade recover and be her friend if she needed her, but she wasn’t going to serve her heart up on a silver platter just yet.