The Deadening

by Yvonne Heidt

  She’d been excited to find the answers—until she heard Raven’s thought that loving her was hard work.

  Shade knew it was true.

  But goddamn it, she didn’t want to give up either. Couldn’t she just grasp the fucking brass ring for once?

  Gray light showed between the gap in the drapes, and a brand new day loomed in front of her. One she had no idea of how to deal with except with help from a substance of one kind or another. She was more scared of facing life clean than she was of the demons in the tunnel. Before she closed her eyes, she made herself a promise.

  Things were going to change.

  Chapter Fourteen

  The fresh smell of coffee lured her to wakefulness. Shade stretched and yelped when her back seized. It felt as if a thousand years had passed. She’d had some freaky dreams last night, but they were blurry. Shade made her way to the bathroom to splash water on her face and then started to the kitchen. Halfway there, she returned to the bathroom, and swallowed three times her prescribed morning pain dose. She had pills stashed all over the house, but her supply was running too low for comfort. She was going to have to find more, and soon.

  Or suffer the consequences of withdrawals.

  She promised herself she would finish the prescription, and then quit.

  Shade tried not to remember how many times she’d said the same before as she made her way to the front of the house.

  Raven stood with her back to the hall, her damp hair braided in a long twist down the back of a plain white T-shirt. The black jogging shorts she was wearing hit her mid-thigh, and she was barefoot. She looked…delicious.

  Shade’s stomach growled and she cleared her throat.

  “Something on your mind?” Raven asked.

  Absolutely, Shade thought. There was something on her mind, and it had nothing to do with food. It involved picking Raven up, putting her on the counter, wrapping those long, tan legs around her waist, and doing battle with their tongues. That’s what was on her mind. “Um, no, nothing.”

  She didn’t want to think about the paranormal, metaphysical, or any of the time traveling they’d done last night. Shade desperately wanted something normal and simple, even if she had to make it up as she went along.

  Raven turned and gave her one of those sexy smirks—the one Shade had in her own arsenal, and it had the same effect on her as on the women she’d used it on. Before Shade could smile back, the old internal tape of doom began playing.

  Run. Get out while you still can, and no one gets hurt.

  Raven’s eyebrows shot up. “Your wheels turning?”

  “No mind reading. Let’s just have regular conversation,” Shade said out loud while she told the voice in her head to shut the fuck up.

  “Okay,” Raven said. “I’ll try and ignore the fact you’re screaming at yourself, and let you go first.”

  Shade was rusty, but raised her mind blocks before continuing.

  Smartass.

  Raven gave no indication she’d heard the thought, and Shade felt better. “I’ve never seen anyone cook in here before. Well, other than frozen pizza or microwave stuff.”

  God, that was lame. Can’t you do better?

  The spirit of a woman appeared, and manifested through the wall like smoke.

  Apparently, she could see the dead again, but before she could react, Raven turned with a spatula in her hand and waved it in the air while she reprimanded the ghost.

  “We’re closed right now. You’re going to have to wait until after we eat.”

  To Shade’s utter surprise, the spirit left the way she’d floated in. “Wow,” she said. “I never considered that.”

  “What? Asking them to leave?”

  “No, I tell spirits that all the time, but I never considered asking them to take a number.”

  “Just one of my many talents.” Raven smiled and returned her attention back to the stove.

  The words brought a pleasant wave of memory, and Shade stirred in her seat.

  Raven was talented in many areas and she complicated everything Shade was used to. She’d only had to look around to see a spotless house, glance down to notice her clothes were wrinkle free and smelled of fabric softener. Raven had polished Shade’s environment similar to the way she’d helped her clean her emotions. It was terrifying and intoxicating.

  The dead flowers on the table had been replaced with fresh lilacs sometime this morning before Shade got up. She didn’t even know if they came from her own backyard. Plug-in thingies were in different outlets around her home, filling it with a clean linen scent. Raven was beautiful and strong. Shade had never seen her flinch away from confrontation; she met it head on with style, and had put Shade in her place more than once. Raven had slipped around all her barriers, and into her heart.

  Shade was scared out of her mind. Raven was a dream girl, and certainly not the one she’d ever thought she’d end up with, because fantasy girls like that stayed in your mind, not in your bed.

  Shade didn’t have any redeeming qualities to offer in return.

  She felt the effects of her medicine coming on. She welcomed the happy lift, the detour from the path her thoughts had taken.

  Shade shook off the inner dialogue and hoped she didn’t look as high as she felt when Raven set a plate in front of her. “Looks good. What is it?”

  “Frittata,” Raven said and sat across from her.

  “What’s in it?”

  “Bacon, eggs, fresh spinach, onions. A little spice of this, and a little flavor of that.”

  Shade took a bite. “Delicious.” And it was, but Shade had another hunger as well. “No lust spells?”

  Raven shook her head. “Nope. Why, do you need one?”

  “I was just teasing,” Shade said.

  “Of course you were.” Raven smiled. “Are you feeling—hot?”

  Oh yeah. Shade wanted to fan herself, but continued to eat, though concentration was difficult as she watched Raven’s lips wrap around the fork with each bite she took. More out of habit than anything else, she probed a bit to see what Raven was feeling.

  “I feel you,” Raven said. “And don’t. It was your rule, remember.”

  “I’m sorry. Being normal is difficult. Can you read me right now?”

  Shade felt a tiny push, but her shield held.

  “No, seems you’re doing better.” Raven dabbed her mouth with her napkin.

  “This is all so fucking civilized, I feel out of place.”

  “Why?” Raven asked.

  “I’m not used to it.”

  “What? Eating at the table? Having brunch? What? It’s like pulling teeth to get you to explain something.”

  Shade felt her defensive walls come up, but made an effort to slide them back down. She looked at her plate. “Having someone take care of me.”

  “See?” Raven asked. “How hard was that?”

  More difficult than you will ever know. Shade took several more bites to avoid saying anything else. The dark cloud she carried around began to reappear, to feed her anger and self-hatred. Raven was too good for this shit. Shade couldn’t shake the feeling of being an imposter.

  “It’s not like you’re taking advantage of me,” Raven said. “I enjoy doing things for you.”

  “Enjoy taking care of a dark, fucked up invalid? What’s wrong with you?” Shade was convinced there had to be something about Raven she didn’t know about, otherwise why was she here? To make Shade feel even worse about herself on a daily basis? It was easy being bad but damn hard work to be good and fit in. Hence, the drugs.

  Raven looked as if she’d been slapped. Two bright spots of red appeared high on her cheeks.

  Uh oh. Shade had a memory flash of Raven’s temper before her accident. “Wait a minute, please. Let me phrase it in a different way. You’re young and have a busy life. I’m sure you have a pack of friends that miss you. You also have a job at SOS, and work in your family’s store. Why on earth would you choose to be here?”

  “Oh no
, you don’t,” Raven said. “I see that look. You will not—I repeat not—give me any more flimsy excuses on why I don’t belong here.”

  The venom in her tone stalled Shade’s next argument.

  “And I’m tired of the whole, ‘you’re too young’ thing.” Raven’s tirade picked up momentum and volume. Shade put her fork down and shut up. She wasn’t going to get a word in edgewise. She wanted to tell Raven she could break her neck moving it that way, but that would probably be stupid.

  “While we’re at it, just who the hell are you to tell me how I should feel, or where I should be? Damn it, I’m not a child, and I’ve proven that again and again.”

  Shade opened her mouth to agree, but Raven didn’t pause.

  “You think I’ve never slept with anyone before you? That I’m…” Raven made quotes in the air, “innocent?”

  “Um.” Where had that come from?

  “Or that I’m weak? That I’m not good enough for you? Because I’ll tell you something else, I keep up with the big dogs just fine, baby. Just fine.” Raven got up from the table and took Shade’s plate along with her own to the sink, mumbling something about not staying on the porch.

  “I’m not done.” Shade wanted to protest, but she didn’t want to argue with Raven while she was in full fight mode. Especially now, as she continued to yell at her in Spanish, and she couldn’t understand a word of it, but Raven’s gestures and tone made her opinion perfectly clear.

  It was kind of cool. Raven was gorgeous when she was spitting mad. But she’d had enough. “Stop it!” Shade yelled. “Just stop for a minute and let me talk.”

  Raven whirled from the sink, her eyes flashed anger, but her mouth closed, and she looked at Shade expectantly.

  “First of all, I want to make something perfectly clear. I’ve never thought I was too good for you. You have that all wrong.”

  “But—”

  “No,” Shade said. “It’s my turn. Raven, you have me set up like a doll. My house is clean, you cook, you heal, and soothe me.”

  “But—”

  “And I’m not finished yet,” Shade said. “It’s perfectly obvious to me you’re not a child, and while that argument served me in the past, it isn’t working now. You humble me, Raven, flat out humble me.”

  Raven’s expression softened. “So?”

  Shade shook her head. “There are things you don’t know about me, bad things that would change your mind about who I am, and what I stand for, in a heartbeat. The darkness never goes away, Raven. It never goes away.” And knowing that made Shade sad. She wished she’d made different choices, handled herself better. She couldn’t erase her past. She couldn’t erase who she was, even if she wanted to. There was nothing inside Shade that wanted to hurt Raven.

  And as sure as Shade knew the sun would come up tomorrow, eventually, she would do just that.

  “There you go again,” Raven said. “Putting up that barrier between us. Why do you keep shutting me out? I’ve proven to you I want to be here. That I can be here. Do you think I don’t know about your drug problem?”

  Shade sat resolute. She didn’t want to argue anymore, and she certainly didn’t want to talk about her addiction. She wanted and valued Raven above anyone or anything else in her life right now, and that’s why she couldn’t let herself have it. Raven deserved someone who could make her laugh. Romance, flowers, and dancing. Shade didn’t have it in her to provide any of those; she wasn’t built that way. “Raven, I would only bring you down with me in the end. You’ve already got scars because of me. I won’t ever forget that. I have nothing to give you.”

  “I know you think you’re making a noble sacrifice,” Raven said. “But you’re wrong, and I think it’s stupid. When I go, I’m not coming back, and one day you’re going to realize I was the very best thing that ever happened to you, and then you’ll remember—it was you who threw what could have been away. I will not beg for your attention.”

  Shade limped to her recliner, kicked back, and stared at the ceiling, avoiding any more eye contact. She heard Raven walk down the hall to the guest room. That was almost too easy; she’d expected more of a fight. In the end, Shade won. She’d saved Raven, got her independence back, and could do whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted to do it. This was a good thing, she told herself. Her head ached, her stomach twisted in knots, and she felt sick, but she could fix that.

  What did she want? To go up, down, or sideways? Just how many pills would it take to erase self-loathing this time?

  She closed her eyes when she heard Raven approaching the living room. Shade waited for her to say something, but the next thing she heard was the front door closing quietly.

  Oh God, what the fuck have I done?

  *

  Hot tears slipped down her cheeks, and Raven stood in front of her house wondering if she even wanted to go in.

  She didn’t want to explain. She didn’t want to discuss anything. She just wanted to curl up on her bed and cry it out. Her heart felt shattered, and she needed time to deal with her decision. She’d known she’d needed to walk away. The nudge, the whispered reminder of her mother’s warning in her ear, the message was clear.

  It was time to leave Shade to heal her own damn demons.

  Raven simply couldn’t, and wouldn’t, kill them all for her. But wasn’t it Shade’s darkness that attracted her for so many years? What did that say about her?

  Before she could turn back to her car, the front door opened, and her mother appeared and held out open arms. Raven didn’t hesitate. She rushed into them before the sobbing started.

  She welcomed the comfort and safety her mother provided, and she let her lead her into her room, and into her bed. As if the cat had radar, Blanca was by her side in a second, purring in her ear.

  “Do you want me to stay, mija?”

  “No, Mama. I just want to sleep right now, gracias.”

  “Bueno, I’ll be in to check on you later.”

  “Love you.”

  “Rest now, Raven.”

  She turned on her side, pulled the comforter over her head, and brought her knees to her chest. She let her grief come in stages. She refused to charm herself to feel better, or ask her mother to heal her. She wanted to walk through the pain by herself. It was the only way she would make it to the other side.

  *

  Somebody shook Shade’s shoulder, hard. “Wake up.”

  “What?” Shade opened her eyes and saw Jordan leaning over her. She blinked, but when she opened her eyes, she was still there. “What?” she repeated.

  “You’re an asshole.” Jordan turned and went into the kitchen. From her vantage point on the recliner, Shade saw several grocery bags on the counter.

  “Where’s Sunny?”

  “Just me.”

  What the hell was going on? She vaguely remembered taking more pills, enough to shut her fucking voices up, and now she didn’t even know what time it was.

  She stood up, took a moment to balance herself, and followed Jordan. “Did you draw the short straw, or what?”

  “Fucking A,” Jordan said and slid her sunglasses down to look at her. “I don’t know—or care—where any of this stuff goes.”

  Shade sat at the table and put her aching head into her hands. “I’ll put them away.” She reached for her cell phone on the table, hoping Raven had called while she was passed out. She was still foggy, though. How long had it been since she’d left?

  “She’s not going to call you.”

  “What are you talking about?” Shade had lost count of how many narcotics she’d taken. Her head was swimming, and her words were slurred. She was so fucked up, she couldn’t read Jordan, whose thoughts appeared to be in a foreign language, which was weird because Jordan didn’t speak anything but English.

  Worse, she knew that Jordan knew just how high she was. That would never do. “Well, thanks.” She hoped that the dripping sarcasm would get rid of her, but to Shade’s horror, Jordan sat across from her and smiled wickedly.r />
  “No problem.”

  Now what? “Don’t you have to go home?” Shade asked.

  “Nope.” Jordan pulled out another chair and propped her feet on it. “We’ve got all night.”

  “To do fucking what?” Shade was confused. She and Jordan were never alone. Ever. At least not without either Sunny or Tiffany acting as a buffer. What the fuck is going on?

  A knock on the front door startled her.

  “Stay there,” Jordan said. “I’ll get it.”

  Shade wanted to throw up. She was suspicious and didn’t trust Jordan, or anything else about this visit.

  Jordan high-fived Kat when she opened the door, and motioned her in. Now Shade really knew something was going on, and she wanted no part of it. If this was going to be a mere visit, Sunny and Tiffany would have come as well.

  “Leave me alone. Go away.”

  “Not happening, buddy,” Kat said.

  “Why are you here?” Please, let them go away. Shade got up and stumbled toward her bathroom, and she heard Jordan stomping right behind her. Jordan was quicker and she blocked Shade before she could enter.

  “Consider it an intervention.” Jordan opened her drawer, grabbed the bottles, and threw them over Shade’s head to Kat, who caught them and raced to the other bathroom.

  When Shade heard the toilet flush, she wanted to pass out. “What the fuck are you doing? Those are mine. I need those!”

  She tried to square her shoulders, to stand up to Jordan, but before she could take a swing, Jordan put her arms around her to prevent it. “We are trying to help you.”

  “This is so not fucking helping.” Shade was weak, and no match for Jordan’s strength. She couldn’t even draw up any psychic power to shoot at her.

  “Where’s the rest?” Jordan asked.

  She was so calm about ripping away her security, Shade wanted to slap her.

  Kat appeared, and they muscled Shade onto the bed. “Where’s the rest?”