The Deadening

by Yvonne Heidt

  Shade grinned at her, and Raven knew she’d read her mind again. Did she think it was unforgettable? It would be beyond description. Raven inserted naked images of the two of them doing naughty things.

  Shade’s breathing increased until it was heavy, almost harsh. “Please pull back.”

  Raven managed to shield her emotions, but it was several moments before she felt steady. Shade’s power was raw, and Raven had been unprepared for the undiluted rush of it.

  “I’m sorry.” Shade rested her forehead against Raven’s.

  “For what?” Raven asked. “Sharing? Get over it.” She smiled up at her. “Let’s save it for after dinner, shall we?”

  Shade groaned.

  Raven raised an eyebrow. “You better get some protein in you, old lady.”

  Shade laughed, and Raven reveled in the genuine sound before Shade put her arm around her and steered her toward the restaurant. “I’ll take that challenge, little girl.”

  Shade’s intimate tone had the hair rising on her arms and neck, and Raven didn’t know how she was going to make it through dinner.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Shade was aware of the entrance she and Raven made at the front desk, and she stood taller, never taking her hand off the small of Raven’s bare back. Both men and women stopped in their tracks to look at them. The impact of their desire triggered her shoulders to pull back proudly. Raven’s pheromones were filling the restaurant already, mixing with her own desire.

  Raven sighed happily before following the waitress, and Shade watched the extra twitch in her hips, knowing it was for her alone. She strode confidently behind her, though all she really wanted to do was let out a primal scream that Raven was hers.

  Well, as much as Raven would let her possess.

  Just as Shade had the thought, Raven looked over her shoulder at her and winked.

  The gesture felt connected to her nerve endings, and shot straight between her thighs, where the sensation continued to tingle until they reached the table.

  Their seats overlooked the water, where they could see parts of downtown lit up along with the boats in the harbor.

  Red candles flickered on the table, providing intimate lighting in the dark space, illuminating Raven across from her in a beautiful glow. Raven held her forefinger over one of them, and the flame jumped an additional inch.

  “Show off,” Shade said, then promptly matched her action with the other candle, causing the fire to dance toward hers.

  The waitress cleared her throat, and when Shade looked up at her, she saw the woman’s eyes full of curiosity. She dropped her energy, and Raven stifled a laugh behind her hand.

  “Can I get you anything to drink?”

  “Water, please for me,” Shade said.

  “Me too,” Raven said.

  “You don’t have to—”

  “I’m fine.” Raven smiled up at the waitress. “Thank you.” The dismissive finality in the tone of her voice had the waitress backing away from the table. Shade was impressed that Raven could pull it off without seeming to be cold. It was a skill she’d never mastered, or even thought about, before.

  As soon as they were alone, Raven pressed her finger against Shade’s lips to quiet her. She flicked her tongue against it, and Raven stuttered. “I’m sorry,” Shade said. “I missed that. What were you saying?”

  Raven leaned back in her chair. “Dios, you’re so hot.” She turned and looked around the room. “There are several ladies here that want your attention. I can smell them.”

  Shade’s gaze never wavered from Raven’s face. “Don’t want them. I want you.”

  “Good.” Raven smiled sweetly. “Because I’d hate to rip their faces off. I just got my nails done.”

  Shade grinned. She loved that about her. You never knew what was going to come out of her mouth, or if you should duck. It was exciting to match wits and temper with her. “I’ve missed you.”

  Raven’s face softened. “How come you never called me or wrote?”

  “I needed to get better. Believe me, I wanted to.” Raven’s hurt energy made Shade sad. “I never intended to hurt you.”

  “I know that. I do,” Raven said. “When I finally calmed down and went over the details, I can see where you lied, and where you didn’t.”

  “I’m an addict. I have been since I was thirteen years old.”

  The waitress dropped off their water. “Are you ready to order?”

  “Not yet,” Shade answered without looking at her.

  “I’ll check back.”

  She watched Raven open the menu and stare. Curious, she opened her own. “What is this stuff?” she whispered loudly. “The only thing I recognize is the lobster.”

  “There are no prices,” Raven whispered back.

  “Don’t worry about it,” Shade said. She’d checked before she came. She wanted to bring Raven to the best restaurant in town to impress her, and they never had prices on their menus. Well, that’s what Kat told her anyway. Shade had never been in such a fancy place.

  “Me either,” Raven said. “I would have been happy with Chinese food.”

  “I agree. Let’s just get the lobster.”

  “Okay,” Raven answered. “But I hate to put a bib on.”

  Shade looked around the room again. She couldn’t see anyone else wearing one. “I think the bibs are only for crab, so we’re okay. I would hate to see you cover up as well.”

  Raven had that knowing look on her face and sent another naked image. But Shade could sense Raven was still anxious under the flirting. Concerned about where she stood, and worried about what Shade said about living one day at a time.

  Shade meant it when she told her she loved her. The only other living human beings she’d said those words to were Aura, Sunny, Tiffany, and Angel. When the waitress came back, she simply pointed to the lobster and held up two fingers.

  Raven stared expectantly at her, the candlelight flickering in her dark pupils. Shade took a deep breath. “Ready for the gruesome details?”

  When Raven nodded, she inhaled again, drawing additional energy from her heart chakra. “Where do you want to start? When I got to treatment or from the beginning?”

  “I want to know everything,” Raven said softly.

  Shade took a quick peek and found only Raven’s compassionate energy along with a need to know the details. She deserved the whole story, all the good, bad, and ugly. If she chose to stay with Shade and build a life with her, she needed to know everything that could affect her decision.

  “First of all, babe,” Raven said and leaned forward. “I can also hear your thoughts. We are bonded through our experiences. There isn’t anything you can tell me that will change my mind about loving your spirit, the essence of who you are. Nada.”

  The tables in the restaurant were far enough away from each other for discretion, but Shade felt a slight pressure in the air. Raven smiled at her. “Just a little privacy shield.”

  “Wouldn’t it just be easier to let you see it all?” Shade asked.

  “I need your words,” Raven said. “How you perceive your journey. How I would see it would be completely different. It’s okay, go ahead.”

  Shade was grateful for her willingness to listen without judgment. At this point, no one had heard the whole story except her sponsor in the twelve-step meetings she attended. Shade cleared her throat and started at the beginning.

  “You saw what happened. Life didn’t get any better after that. After my father showed himself to me, all kinds of dead people showed up. I’m pretty sure I lost my mind for a while, and spent almost a year in a psych ward. When I got out, it wasn’t long after I found drugs could ease the pain. At first, I used my mother’s, or got them from the men she made me…” She hesitated and Raven jumped in.

  “Ssh. We don’t have to go there right now.”

  “Right. Okay. Anyway, I started getting into other trouble at school. They sent me to counselors, whom I thought at the time were full of crap. The adults in
my life talked about how evil drugs were, don’t do it, it will ruin your life. But when I got high for the first time? I knew they were liars. For me, getting high was about feeling better, to not hurt, to breathe in and out, and not feel the agony of existing with no purpose, no love, and an ability to see the dead.”

  “I can’t imagine how horrible it was,” Raven said. “To feel that level of hypocritical betrayal from all sides in your life.”

  Shade nodded. “That’s an excellent way to put it. So, you know I met Dr. Skye when I turned eleven. I was in yet another institution, this time by my mother’s request after I physically fought with her. I’d had enough, and I had recently discovered I could throw my hate at her, psychically, and it would knock her down. She totally freaked and committed me. I kept trying to convince those freaking dumbass doctors that the dead wouldn’t leave me alone. Their answer was to strap me down, keep doping me up, and try to make me change my story.”

  “Another betrayal.” Raven nodded. “And they believed your mother’s deception.”

  “Yes.” Shade swallowed the lump. There was still major healing needed in this area of her life. “Anyway, the State mandated that I see another psychologist, and my mother had to go along with it. Not because she wanted to, but because I was her cash cow and she wanted to keep the welfare, and the other source of her income, you know.”

  “I do. God, Shade, I’m so sorry you went through all of this. I hate that I don’t have the words to make it better.”

  “I’ve learned over the last few months, it’s all work I have to do myself. It helps to talk about it. And I want you to know how I got to the point I was with myself and my addiction.”

  “Okay,” Raven said, “but we can stop anytime you want.”

  Shade took her hand. “Let me get it all out. I tend to throw rugs over the elephants in the room, and call it good.”

  Raven laughed. “Good one.”

  She let the momentum of the story continue. She was far from done and wanted it out of their way. “I broke into the drug cabinet one night and tried to overdose. I was so tired of being screamed at, called delusional, and being forced back to my mother’s house.”

  Shade heard Raven’s sharp intake of breath, but continued on. “Dr. Skye, in my eyes, was just like the rest in the beginning. But over time, somehow, he gained my nonexistent trust. He never gave up on me, even when I was violent and hateful. He cut the meds they had me on, and saw me three times a week. Eventually, I told him about the dead people, and he told me about his extraordinary wife and daughter, who was the same age as me, and how gifted they were.”

  “Aura and Sunny.”

  Shade nodded. “One day, he signed me out for a field trip, and I met Aura for the first time. God, I can remember the first time she touched me. That first jolt of energy that was both magical and soothing. I hadn’t known, not really, how cold my heart was before that day.”

  Angry energy assaulted her from the other side of the table, and Shade stopped talking. Before she could ask Raven about it, the waitress fussed around their table, making certain they had everything they needed, and left quickly.

  “First of all,” Raven said when they were alone again. “It breaks my heart to think that an eleven-year-old child would think she had a cold heart, and take responsibility for it. None of what happened to you was your fault. And if your mother was still alive, not one person in this world could save her from me.”

  Shade sat back from the force behind the words. She was a little awestruck Raven could go from loving to murderous in three seconds flat. That she did it for her was mind-blowing. She was humbled, and she didn’t know what to say.

  Raven smiled at her sweetly. “You were saying?”

  Shade looked down at the lobster tail, several of what looked to be lima beans, and three asparagus spears on her plate, drizzled with a dark sauce, and a small dish of melted butter. She tried not to grimace while she swept the beans to the end of the platter.

  She needn’t have held back. Raven was doing the same thing across from her.

  They both laughed. “Guess we’re going home hungry, huh?” Shade said.

  Raven’s eyes caught hers. “We already knew that.”

  Heat flushed between Shade’s thighs, and she crossed them in an attempt to relieve the sudden pressure. She had been near flash point on Raven’s front porch before they left. Apparently, her lust had merely been sleeping while she was talking.

  She inhaled Raven’s spicy, clean scent, and since her mouth was watering, sincerely hoped she wasn’t drooling.

  Raven’s seductive smile did little for Shade’s patience. She had no hunger left for the food on her plate, she was more interested in having Raven. The closest place was the car, and she calculated how fast she could get her there, raise Raven’s dress, and put her mouth on her. Christ, could she even do that in the seat of that small fucking car?

  Shade felt a cool breeze swirl around her, calming the sexual agitation, and she relaxed her shoulders. “Did you just do that?”

  “We have all night,” Raven said. “I’m not going anywhere, and neither are you.”

  Shade paused. Raven ran right into her darkness, took care of business, and strolled right out again, not even breaking a sweat. She knew that being this connected to Raven would require complete trust—for both of them.

  “About the car,” Raven said, and waved her fork. “Rain check. It does have a sunroof?”

  Shade nodded and wondered if Raven’s capacity to mesmerize her would ever end. She knew she loved her now, and anything else she discovered would be additional gifts.

  “Say it,” Raven whispered. “Please.”

  “I love you.” Shade gave her the words, out loud, and found herself fighting the tears that burned in the corners of her eyes. She felt completely humbled by the wave of feelings that rushed over her. And for the first time she could remember, not one of them included regret, guilt, or shame. How freaking cool was that?

  “So,” Raven said. “Can we continue the story? I want to know why you thought you had to go through this alone.”

  Shade hesitated while she thought about the question, not because she was thinking of excuses, but because she really didn’t know. She’d been alone her entire life until Sunny. And Sunny walked away because Shade suffocated her in darkness. “After Sunny,” she said. “I was lost. If she couldn’t love me, there must be something wrong and broken, because she lights the world, you know? She loves everyone.”

  “She loves you,” Raven said. “But her path is different. That’s when I met you, and I knew that you were for me.”

  “I don’t and can’t for the life of me see why,” Shade said honestly. “I was so fucked up.”

  “When I was young, I couldn’t see that part.” Raven leaned closer. “I saw you. The spirit that you are, without outside interference, void of any behavior, or preconceptions. And when I heard your music, I knew without a doubt that I was right. That beautiful song you wrote for me uncovered all of the bullshit. With each note, you became clearer to me, and all of the feelings I had for you, minus our recent time together, came flooding back.”

  “I don’t deserve you.”

  Raven flipped her hair over her shoulder. “Not then.” She laughed. “But the truth is, this is the you that does. I feel it in my soul. Does that make sense?”

  It did. And with a clear head, Shade might even come to believe it. All she knew for certain was that the drugs kept her disconnected from her source of power. A person’s birthright is always Love. She’d hated herself for so long, she couldn’t find it any longer. “I’m truly sorry I hurt you, Raven.”

  “I know you are. But you were sick, sí?”

  “Sí.”

  “I’m not perfect either. I have a hot temper, I’m impulsive, and I can be selfish. I’m not one little bit ashamed of being high maintenance either.”

  “No!”

  “Shut up!”

  Shade laughed. “You’re perfect f
or me.”

  Raven looked at her, her expression serious and calm. “And you’re strong enough for me in every way.” She grinned slyly. “Except when I kicked your ass in the office.”

  “Hey now,” Shade said.

  “I was incredibly turned on afterward. You?”

  Shade nearly choked on the piece of asparagus she was chewing. She coughed and pounded on her chest. Raven took a tiny bite of lobster, a drop of butter slipped down her chin, and landed between her breasts. Shade tracked the movement as it disappeared into her dress.

  “Stop staring,” Raven said. “Get back to the story.”

  Where was she? Oh yeah, after Sunny. “After I went to your mother for a spell, when I came back the next time, I had her put it on me instead. One that ensured I wouldn’t fall in love with anyone else. I never wanted to hurt like that again. And on the other side of the coin, I didn’t want to hurt anyone else.”

  “How ironic,” Raven said. “That’s the exact time my mother warned me about necromancers.”

  “Was that sarcastic?” Shade asked.

  “Of course it was.” Raven took another dainty bite. “She agreed to such a spell to keep you from me. And she never foresaw the fact I would become gifted in such a way.”

  “Now that’s a mind fuck.”

  “It is.” Raven dabbed her mouth. “One could argue it was destiny.”

  “One could.” Shade felt a burst of happiness. She wasn’t unlovable or alone in the world. Never had been. The fault was in the way she’d perceived reality and how she chose to cope with it. For Shade that had meant building a wall that surrounded Lacey, and encased all of her hurt and pain.

  Raven waved her hand. “Please continue.”

  “Okay, so armed with the spell your mother put on me, that’s when I dove deeper into drugs and alcohol. I can’t remember much of that time, but I do remember when Sunny found me and put me to work at Sisters of Spirits. I thought in some sick way that she still wanted me to be there for her, that I only had to be patient. I cut back on the hard drugs, but never much on the drinking.