Love's Secret Torment

by Stacy L. Darnell

  I wasn’t sure what that was about but I knew, if it had to do with Emmett, I didn’t want to hear anything about it anyway. Whatever it was didn’t matter anymore, because he was lost to me. I needed some happy time with my parents, and that was exactly what I was going to get. This was an Emmett Free Zone.

  I walked into the kitchen and saw Mom and Dad sitting at the breakfast table, drinking coffee with their newspapers up in front of their faces.

  “Hey Mom and Dad,” I said.

  “Oh hi sweetheart,” Mom blurted as she stirred the cup in front of her.

  Dad smiled. “Hey, princess.”

  “Would you like some coffee?” Mom asked.

  “Always.”

  “Maggie, dear, would you mind making me a refill?” Dad asked.

  “I’ll get it, Mom, while I make my own.”

  “Thanks, princess,” Dad said, handing me his cup.

  I made our coffees and sat down at the table with them. Sitting in my old seat felt oddly comforting. I tried not to think of Emmett in his hotel room, alone with a bottle of whiskey. I wished his Aunt Robin would get back from Europe, but she and Kent had extended their trip again. I reminded myself that this was an Emmett Free Zone, and I needed to rein in my traitorous thoughts.

  “We have a surprise for you, sweetheart,” Mom said, smiling.

  I glanced toward Dad and saw his excited expression. That’s when I heard a car door shut outside. I didn’t know who else was coming, so I just sat there and waited.

  “Who is it?”

  Then the screen door opened, and I heard Tricia call from the front hall.

  “Where’s my awesome sister?”

  I jumped up and ran to her. Tricia wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tight.

  “Hey . . . hey, easy, Sam. I missed you, too, but you don’t have to cry over me coming down,” she teased.

  She took the tenseness right out of the room, and I was able to compose myself again.

  “So . . . what are we doing today?” Tricia asked.

  “I don’t know. Anything. Everything!” I squealed.

  “Good answer. I already called before I left my dorm, and made appointments for a full spa day,” she said.

  “Do you have time for coffee before you go?” Dad asked.

  Tricia laughed. “Of course, Dad. What kind of daughter do you think I am?”

  We sat and laughed at the bantering that always ensued between our parents. When it was time to leave they walked us outside.

  “So, what happened with Emmett?” she asked nervously, as she pulled onto the interstate.

  “Not much to tell, really. He had that car accident and forgot me. Only me . . . he remembers everyone else. Just not me. Oh, and he forgot Alec died,” I whispered at the end.

  “Oh my God,” she said. “I am so sorry, Sam.”

  “Yeah, he came home from the hospital, back to normal, everyday life, but apparently, that didn’t help as the doctors expected. So now, he’s left me and is staying in a hotel near campus.”

  “Wow. That’s a lot to deal with. I’m guessing he didn’t take Alec’s death well.”

  “No, he threw up when the hospital’s grief counselor told him, so upset, the nurse had to sedate him.”

  “Well, let’s put all that aside for now, spend today relaxing and not thinking about sad things. You need a day of happy, little sis, and I’m going to make sure you have one,” she said.

  We got to the spa and signed in. They took us back to the massage room right away and started our hot stone massage, leaving us on the table for our facial massages. I could feel the stress and tension of the last month seeping from my body as the masseuse worked her magic.

  The relaxing music and aromatherapy candles were so soothing, that I fell asleep. The next thing I knew, Tricia was gently waking me up for our time in the sauna. We sat on the benches, and I leaned my head back against the wall. Wrapped in towels, Tricia and I let the heat engulf us. We didn’t even talk, just sat back and closed our eyes.

  We ended our day with manicures and pedicures. As we drove back to our parents’ house, Tricia shared some words of wisdom.

  “Sam, don’t give up on Emmett. I think he’s just overwhelmed. Remember when you were dealing with the grief of Alec’s death? He’s going through that all over again, only this time, he feels alone, because the first time, he had you to share the grief with. This time, he doesn’t remember you, so he’s lost that added strength. You and I both know he loves you, and I think, with time, he’ll remember.”

  “Okay.”

  It was all I could say. I didn’t want to think too deeply about it. I knew she was right about what Emmett was going through. I just hoped she would be right about him remembering what we had.

  Classes were starting again. I was in my sophomore year at Auburn. But what should have been the time of my life, was now marred by the grief of Emmett leaving me. Don’t get me wrong. I understood it. I just didn’t like it and worried he’d never remember me and that I’d lost him forever.

  Like a banshee, I cursed fate daily for all that had happened to us. While I loved Alec, and Emmett, and cherished the time I had been lucky enough to share with them. I cursed fate yet again for making them brothers, and for taking Alec away from us. And I cursed fate for a third time, for Emmett’s car accident, for making him forget me, but mostly for making him forget Alec had died. It was cruel that he should go through that loss and grief all over again. That he was doing it alone tore at my heart every minute of the day.

  My last class on Monday was English Lit. It saddened me to walk into the room, picturing Alec there waiting for me to arrive. He’d loved English Lit. That class was even more unbearable because I couldn’t talk to Emmett about it. If there was anyone else on the planet who would know how hard this was and understand it, it was Emmett. I felt empty without him.

  I sat in the back of the class, not wanting to engage with anyone. There was only one other guy sitting back there with me. He was cute . . . I could appreciate that. But that was as far as it went.

  Until he leaned over and cleared his throat. “Hi, my name is Aiden Thompson.”

  “Hi. I’m, um, Sam Lang,” I murmured.

  “Well it’s nice to meet you Um Sam Lang,” he teased.

  I chuckled. “Sorry, I only had a half cup of coffee this morning, and I’m just not feeling class today.”

  “It’s okay. I haven’t had my orange Tic Tacs yet either,” he said with a serious expression that made me break out into laughter. He looked affronted. “What? Don’t you eat Tic Tacs? Everyone loves Tic Tacs. It’s as American as apple pie.”

  “Sorry, you just surprised me when you said it. Yes, I love orange Tic Tacs,” I said, shaking my head.

  The professor walked in and class fell silent. In the middle of the lecture, Aiden passed me a note when the professor wasn’t looking. I opened it to see what he wrote.

  Umm Sam Lang,

  Would you like to get some coffee after class so you can be just Sam Lang again after your brain wakes up?

  Mark an X for YES or an X for YES. Sorry NO isn’t an option.

  :-) Aiden

  I looked at him and his cute, expectant smile and nodded. What could a cup of coffee hurt? I didn’t feel like being alone, and he provided pretty damn good comic relief at a time when I desperately needed it.

  When class was over and we had our syllabus, I shoved it and Aiden’s note into my bag. Following him out of the classroom, we headed to the parking lot for our cars. It turned out we were parked in the same lot. When we arrived at Starbucks, I was happy. I could practically taste the Salted Caramel Mocha Latte. I had so many favorites, sometimes it was hard to decide, but the end result was always the same—happy.

  Aiden was parked and out of his car before me. He walked over to open my car door and waited for me. What a nice guy.

  “Thanks, Aiden,” I said as I stepped out of my car.

  “You’re welcome,” he replied.


  As we walked inside, I felt his hand at the small of my back. After I ordered my latte, I waited at the other end of the counter for the barista to make it. She shook the salted caramel on top of the whip cream and caramel syrup, making my mouth water.

  Aiden cleared his throat next to me. “So, Starbucks was a good call I take it.”

  “Yeah, I am kind of a caffeine addict.”

  He laughed. “Don’t worry Umm Sam, so am I.”

  I smacked his shoulder. “Are you ever going to stop teasing me about that?”

  “Hmm, that would be a yes and a no. Yes, for as soon as you drink said needed coffee, and no, for when I feel like teasing you in class Wednesday morning,” he said with a smirk.

  He was fun to be around, and his brand of humor was exactly what the doctor ordered.

  “Well, Aiden Thompson, I’m glad we met. It’s nice to have someone around who understands my addiction.” I giggled.

  He smiled, and I could see the hopefulness in his eyes. I knew I’d need to be clear from the start that I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend. There was no way that was happening. I was in love with Emmett, and that wasn’t going to change. Ever. I figured I could work it into a conversation. I didn’t want to lead him on. We sat outside at one of their little tables.

  “So, tell me about yourself, Sam.”

  “Well, now that I’m just Sam, I’d be happy to,” I joked. Continuing in a more serious tone, I said, “There really isn’t much to tell. I’m studying to be a psychologist. I’ve always wanted to help people. I’d also like to be an advocate for people with mental illnesses. I want the world to stop looking down on them and recognize that it’s as valid as any other disease out there.”

  “That’s great, Sam,” Aiden replied. “You have a good heart.”

  I smiled, “Thanks, what about you?”

  “Oh, me? Well, I don’t really know yet. My dad wants me to be a surgeon like him, but it’s not my thing. So, I’m going here to spite him, and be closer to my mom. They’re divorced. My mom is the most caring person in the world. She’s never said a mean thing to anyone.”

  “Did you grow up around here?” I asked.

  “Sort of. I spent most of my childhood floating between Auburn and Maryland. Mom lives here, so I’m staying with her while in school. Dad lives in Maryland, and works at Johns Hopkins in Baltimore.”

  “I’m sorry. That sounds stressful, Aiden.”

  “Eh, it’s okay. Anyway, as for what I’m going to school for . . . my MR degree,” he finished.

  “I thought you said you didn’t know what you were going for.”

  “Well that’s true, I did say that, and I don’t know, but I may as well work on my MR degree while I’m here. You know, MR, as in mister, as in looking for my Mrs. Right,” he chortled.

  I shook my head, laughing with him.

  “Oh my God, Aiden. You’re too much.” I laughed again.

  “Tell me about you, Sam. I want to know about you as a person.” He winked.

  “Oh. Well, I’m kind of in a relationship . . . sort of,” I answered.

  His eyes grew wide as his brow scrunched together in confusion.

  “We’re just taking a break.” I sighed. “Look, it’s really a long, sad story, and I don’t want to get into it right now.”

  “It’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it.”

  “Thanks. I’m not looking for another relationship now, that’s for sure. So if that’s what you’re after, we may as well stop right here before anyone gets hurt. I’m broken Aiden. My heart’s taken, and that’ll never change.” I dropped my eyes to my lap.

  He reached across the table and gently lifted my chin up so my eyes had nowhere else to look but at him. “That’s not what I’m after, Sam. I mean, you’re absolutely gorgeous, but if you only want to be friends, that’s okay with me. Let’s just be friends.”

  I smiled at him. “I’d like that very much.”

  “Maybe someday, you’ll tell me this long, sad story of how you’re kind of in a relationship. I have to admit, even taking a relationship break, that’s a new one for me.”

  “Yeah, maybe someday,” I said. “Look, Aiden, I’m gonna go. I want to stop by my apartment and check on my dog. I’ll see you in class on Wednesday.” I got up and slung my backpack over my shoulder.

  “Okay, Sam, see you Wednesday.”

  From that point on, Aiden and I had Starbucks together after class every Monday and Wednesday. He took my mind off Emmett, and that was what I needed, because when I wasn’t hanging out with Aiden, I was sad about Emmett leaving me and worried I’d lost him forever.

  He was so funny and full of life. It was a relief just being around him. On Tuesdays, I couldn’t wait for Wednesday to get a good dose of Aiden Comic Relief.

  A month had passed since Emmett had left, but I was getting by pretty well. I still had my moments when reality would smack me upside the head and say, “He’s gone!” I’d inevitably break down in the ladies’ room or while sitting in my car at a stoplight. It was never a nice reality to face. But I had to face it . . . repeatedly. Fate was a cruel bitch, and I’d had enough of her games, constantly toying in our lives. I wondered many times if fate was a real, breathing, conniving thing. I mean, it had to be with the level of turmoil it had caused Alec, Emmett, and me.

  I thought about Emmett every minute of the day, wondering how he was coping with Alec’s death, how he was he able to get by each day dealing with it alone. We’d barely survived and recovered from Alec’s death when we were together. I couldn’t imagine facing that without Emmett by my side.

  I wanted to call him. It was a battle I won every day to not call and check up on him. I knew he had to be suffering, but also that I couldn’t help him. Otherwise he would have stayed. He wouldn’t have walked out of my life and left me alone. All of our friends were great about checking on me. They said Emmett was hanging in there when I’d ask about him. Emmett deserved better than just ‘hanging in there’ though. He needed his life back. He needed me, and I needed him.

  I was meeting Aiden for a study-lunch for an exam we had coming up in English Lit. When I pulled up to the restaurant, I saw his sporty, little car parked in the back. He got out when he saw me. He really was cute, and I tried to think of who I could set him up with, but all of my friends were already in relationships.

  “Hey, Sam!”

  “Hey, Aiden. Ready for a mad study-lunch combo?”

  “Yup. Let’s go get a table.”

  We walked inside the bistro and waited to be seated. The hostess came pretty quickly to lead us to our table. As we turned the corner, I felt Aiden’s hand at the small of my back, and tingles spread across my limbs. I was so startled by it, that I tripped, causing Aiden to catch me in his arms.

  “Oh! Sam, are you okay?” he asked as he helped set me straight on my feet.

  “Yes, I’m fine. Sorry. Trippy feet is all,” I murmured, embarrassed.

  We sat down across from each other in the booth, and I struggled to look anywhere but directly at him. I needed to regain my composure.

  “Alexis will be your waitress this afternoon. Can I get your drink order to start with?” she asked us.

  “Yeah, I’ll have a Coke,” I said.

  “An iced tea, please,” Aiden replied.

  She gave him a flirty smile. “Would you like that sweet or unsweetened, sir?”

  “Oh sorry, I’d like that sweet. I need all the sugar I can get,” he said, winking at me.

  I laughed. I couldn’t help it. I loved it. Aiden was constantly making me laugh and have happy, relieving moments. The hostess shook her head with a giggle and walked away.

  “So,” Aiden said.

  I peered over my menu and waited for him to continue.

  “There’s a frat party on Saturday night. You wanna go? We can flip a coin for designated driver.” He smiled.

  “Okay. Sounds fun. But why don’t we take a cab so we can both have a drink,” I suggested.

  He w
inked. “Sounds like a plan, Sam.”

  The waitress came and took our order. We discussed the English Lit exam study guide while we ate.

  “I think we’re both about as prepared for this exam as we’re gonna get,” I said.

  “Yeah, it’ll be cake.”

  “What time should we meet Saturday?”

  “I’ll have a cab pick you up at seven pm.”

  “Ok, see you Saturday, Aiden,” I said, waving goodbye.

  “Saturday it is,” he said, smiling.

  He had to be one of the most carefree people I’d ever met. I just hoped he really realized I meant it when I said we needed to just be friends. The occasional touches here and there had me worried. I drove home and parked. I couldn’t tear my gaze away from Emmett’s empty parking spot. The lightness I felt at Aiden’s humor was instantly gone, and my heavy heart returned.

  I walked into my apartment, and Gage met me at the door, wagging his tail.

  “You want to go for a walk, buddy?” He started jumping around with excitement when I grabbed his harness and leash. I hooked him up, and put a couple poopie-bags into my jeans pocket. I grabbed my ear buds off the counter on my way out. I fished the wire down the front of my shirt and stuffed one of the buds in my ear, leaving the other one hanging so I could still hear traffic. I turned on my playlist and, with music in my ear, lost myself in my walk with Gage.

  We walked down to the dog park where I let him off his leash to run and play. I saw a text come in from Heather.

  H: Hey girl, how ya doing?

  Me: I’m good. At the dog park with Gage.

  H: Cool. You coming to the frat party Sat night?

  Me: Yeah. Aiden asked me.

  H: Whoa. You’re hanging out with that dude a lot. Anything I should know?

  Me: No. We’re just friends. It’s all good. He makes me forget the pain sometimes, and I kinda need that.