The Nothing to See Here Hotel

by Steven Butler

  Prince Grogbah obviously recognised the little shape as he started mumbling, ‘NO, NO, NO,’ under his breath.

  The girl emerged into the reception hall and stood, feet wide apart with her hand on her hip. She aimed a tiny musket into the air and fired it.

  ‘My name is Tempestra Plank!’ she yelled. ‘And I’ve come to reclaim our treasure.’

  ‘I’m out of ’ere!’ yelled one of Grogbah’s guards. He dropped his spear and ran out of the room.

  ‘Me too!’ blubbed another.

  ‘And me.’

  ‘Oooooh-ho-ho!’ the Molar Sisters cooed together, clapping their hands with excitement. In a moment, most of the prince’s guards had abandoned their posts. The remaining few lowered their weapons and watched in horror.

  ‘Ha!’ Tempestra laughed. I’d never seen a creature like her in real life. She was obviously a goblin, but a completely different species to Prince Grogbah and his Barrow cronies. I’d read about her kind in some of Grandad Abraham’s books. Squall Goblins! Voyagers that sailed the deepest sewers and oceans and who NEVER came ashore. Whatever Grogbah had stolen, it must have been very valuable.

  Where the Barrow Goblins were short and round, Tempestra was tall and slim. If she’d stood next to me, she would easily be as high as my shoulder. Her curly red hair was wedged under a tricorne hat, and she was wearing a long peacock-blue coat with ruddy boots that laced all the way up to her knees.

  ‘Where’s Grogbottom?’ she said through gritted teeth.

  Everyone sitting on the floor pointed at Prince Grogbah, who was tiptoeing his way towards the nearest exit. The prince froze and turned to face the goblin girl, laughing nervously.

  Tempestra’s eyes lit up with vengeful glee when she saw Grogbah in the crowd.

  ‘AVAST, SEWER RATS!’ she shouted, and . . . well . . . I swear to you that I’m not lying . . .

  The hull of a goblin pirate ship came CRASHING through the wall. Guests and goblins alike scattered in all directions as huge chunks of the staircase fell inwards and shattered on the black and white tiles.

  Seawater splashed round our ankles as the enchanted wave that had carried the ship up the beach hit its mark.

  The ship’s pirate crew clambered down the wooden sides or swung to the ground on ropes. They were a terrifying bunch of goblins and goblinettes. Some of them wore eyepatches or had peg legs or hooks for hands, and all of them were brandishing cutlasses.

  ‘Get him!’ Tempestra ordered, and her crew rushed at the prince. They grabbed him and dragged the chubby goblin, kicking and flailing, towards the girl.

  ‘I can explain!’ Prince Grogbah yelled. ‘I only borrowed it!’

  ‘PREPARE TO DIE!’ Tempestra hissed in the prince’s face, drawing a sword from her belt.

  Everyone grimaced and squinted. Everyone except Mum.

  ‘HOLD IT!’ she bellowed. The entire hall stopped what they were doing and turned to stare. ‘WHAT’S GOING ON? YOU CAN’T JUST BLOW A HOLE IN OUR HOTEL, THEN MURDER A GUEST IN RECEPTION. EVEN IF GROGBAH IS A LOATHSOME LITTLE TOAD!’

  Suddenly my brain caught up with everything that was happening and my jaw fell open. I looked at the pirate girl. I looked at the ship. I looked at the crew, and I knew I’d seen them before. My brain started racing. What did Tempestra say her last name was?

  I nearly fell over with excitement.

  ‘Plank!’ I gasped. I was staring at the daughter of the greatest goblin pirate that ever lived.

  ‘Captain Calamitus Plank!’

  BONES IN A BOX

  Tempestra smiled at me, then looked back at Mum.

  ‘Sorry, Madam.’ She removed her tricorne hat and bowed low, then turned and poked a slender finger into the end of Grogbah’s nose. ‘We’ve been searching for this grottish little blunker for years.’

  ‘Why?’ Mum said with a quivering voice. ‘Who are you?’

  The pirate girl tucked her sword back into her belt, then reached up, grabbed Mum’s hand and shook it.

  ‘I am Tempestra Plank, First Mate on board the Blistered Barnacle,’ she said, pointing back at the ship. ‘The boy’s right: my father is Captain Calamitus Plank, the Skurge of the Seven Sewers. This slug dropping—’ she pointed at Prince Grogbah ‘—stole his most precious treasure, and we’ve come to take it back.’

  Everybody oohed and aahed. There wasn’t anyone in the magical world that hadn’t heard of the wild adventures of Captain Plank.

  ‘Let me go!’ Grogbah yelled, wriggling in the clutches of the pirate crew. ‘On second thoughts, I really don’t know what you’re chittering on about. I haven’t got anything that belongs to you.’

  ‘Where are they?’ Tempestra snapped.

  ‘Haven’t got a clue!’

  ‘WHERE ARE MY FATHER’S DIAMONDS?’

  ‘Never heard of them,’ Grogbah spluttered.

  ‘TELL US!’

  The prince started squirming and twisting even harder so that the pirates struggled to keep hold of him.

  ‘I’LL NEVER TELL!’ Grogbah screamed, just as he jerked sideways and stepped into a shaft of moonlight that was slanting through the hole in the reception wall.

  Suddenly the room was filled with hundreds of tiny stars as something near the prince’s head reflected the moonbeam in every direction.

  ‘Aha!’ Tempestra marched over to Grogbah and yanked the brooch off the front of his turban. ‘GOT THEM!’

  ‘No! MY DIAMONDS!’ Grogbah whined as his enormous feather drooped and fell to the floor.

  ‘Stop snivelling!’ one of the crew members said to Grogbah as he tied up the prince’s hands and feet.

  Tempestra held the little treasure up to the light, and for the first time I saw that it wasn’t a crescent-moon-shaped brooch at all; it was a pair of diamond-encrusted false teeth!

  ‘Go and get Dad,’ Tempestra said to her crew, and two pirates ran back to the ship and climbed onboard.

  Moments later they reappeared on the deck, lugging a wooden chest. ‘HEAVE-HO!’ they chanted together and threw the box down to the other crew members.

  ‘Wait a minute,’ my dad said, scratching his head. ‘Captain Plank is in there?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Tempestra.

  ‘In a treasure chest?’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘Well, let him out,’ Dad said, looking star-struck. He was a huge fan of the captain’s stories, just like me. ‘It must be very uncomfortable. Would he like some tea?’

  Tempestra lifted the lid and everyone crowded round to look inside the box.

  ‘OH MY GOODNESS!’ Mum gasped.

  ‘He’th very thkinny,’ the Molar Sisters said.

  ‘He looks delicious,’ said Gladys Potts. She instantly sprouted fluffy white fur and turned into a poodle.

  I pushed through the huddle of guests, reached the edge of the wooden chest and looked inside.

  ‘It’s . . . it’s . . .’ I said.

  ‘It’s just bones.’ Dad finished my sentence.

  Had the crew of the Blistered Barnacle gone mad? Why on earth were they chasing Prince Grogbah for all this time, when their captain was a skeleton? Not even a skeleton really . . . just a pile of bones, with a toothless skull sitting on top.

  ‘Why do you think we needed the diamond dentures?’ Tempestra said. ‘Watch!’

  She reached inside the chest and carefully placed the glittering teeth into the skull’s mouth.

  ‘BLAAAARG!’ Quicker than a firework, the bones reassembled and we suddenly found ourselves staring into the empty eye sockets of a goblin skeleton, standing waist-high in a treasure chest.

  ‘What?’ I said. ‘This isn’t right.’ My brain started racing again. In my books, Captain Plank was a goblin with hair and skin and eyes. Not a skel—

  ‘Dad!’ Tempestra threw her arms round the skeleton and roughly hugged it.

  Pffft! The skeleton spat the teeth back out in surprise and hundreds of little bones clattered back into the box.

  Tempestra turned to face us with Captain
Plank’s skull in her hands.

  ‘Ooops . . .’ she said, rolling her eyes. ‘See? This happens A LOT!’

  She bent down, picked the diamond dentures up off the floor and placed them back between Calamitus’s jaws.

  ‘Wha-what?’ The bones were instantly a skeleton again. ‘Blimey, I’ve got a headache.’

  ‘Dad!’ Tempestra said again. ‘Welcome back!’

  ‘Eh?’ Captain Plank looked at his daughter. ‘Back? Where’ve I been?’

  The skeleton turned its head and noticed us all crowding round the treasure chest he was standing in.

  ‘Hello,’ Mum said.

  ‘We’re thrilled to have you here,’ Dad joined in.

  ‘Who are you?’ Captain Plank croaked. ‘What’s going on?’

  Tempestra tapped Calamitus on his bony shoulder, then pointed to a mirror that was hanging on the nearby wall.

  The captain swivelled round to look at his reflection and stared for a moment. It’s very hard to guess the emotions of a skeleton. Who knew eyebrows were so important?

  ‘Oh, blunkers. I’d forgotten about the bone thing,’ he said.

  Just then a small growl from somewhere up above caught our attention. It wasn’t a very loud growl, but it echoed off the broken walls and even Captain Plank looked about, clacking his teeth.

  I turned and glanced up to the first-floor landing, where the huge chunk of staircase had been smashed away. There, curling its little toes over the edge, was Gurp.

  ‘Gurp!’ Mum said. ‘What are you doing down here?’

  Clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp!

  Something very large, and very heavy, was coming down the stairs from high above.

  ‘Oh no,’ said Dad.

  Clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp!

  ‘Oh dear,’ Nancy mumbled under her breath. ‘I think all this noise might have woken your—’

  ‘WORST NIGHTMARE!’ Granny Regurgita rounded the last twist of the spiral staircase and grimaced down at us. She didn’t say anything else at first, and just looked about at the smashed front door, tied-up goblin prince, skeleton standing in a treasure chest and pirate ship sticking through the wall. Then she fixed her copper eyes on me, Mum and Dad.

  ‘Someone’s got a whopsy load of explaining to do . . .’

  THE CURSE OF THE DIAMOND DENTURES

  ‘Granny Regurgita,’ Dad said. ‘Granny . . . I can explain . . .’

  ‘Go on then, Bargeous, you snivelling little dollop of SNOT!’ Granny said. (Believe it or not, that’s one of the nicest things she’s ever said to Dad.)

  ‘Well . . .’ Dad started sweating. ‘Ummm . . . There were crabs . . .’

  ‘Crabs?’ Granny raised one bristly eyebrow.

  ‘Yes. And . . . umm . . . a big boom in the garden . . . and Gladys Potts’s mattress.’

  ‘Go on.’

  ‘And skinny-dipping . . . that ship over there . . . oh . . . and the Lawn screamed.’

  Granny Regurgita was gawping at Dad like he’d gone round the twist.

  ‘Phew,’ Dad said, smiling with relief. ‘Now it’s all much clearer, no?’

  I’d never seen my granny looking lost for words before.

  ‘Ahem!’ Calamitus Plank stepped out of the treasure chest and walked forward. ‘I think I might be able to clear this whole messy thing up.’

  ‘Who are you?’ Granny grunted.

  ‘Oh, come on, Regurgita. You know me.’ The skeleton smiled a flashy, diamond smile.

  ‘I’ve NEVER clapped my peepers on you in my life!’

  ‘What’s the matter?’ Captain Plank chuckled. ‘Don’t you recognise old Calamitus without his skin?’

  Granny Regurgita gasped and well . . . I think she might even have smiled.

  ‘Calamitus Plank, is that you, you old sea slug?’

  ‘The very same.’ The skeleton gave a little bow.

  Granny scooped Gurp up in her massive arms and jumped off the broken staircase. She landed with an enormous THUMP that made the ground shake.

  ‘What have you done to yourself?’ she asked, putting Gurp down on the wet floor. ‘Where’s all your podge, and your skin, and your . . .’ she paused, ‘face?’

  ‘It’s a long story,’ Calamitus said, scratching bony fingers against the top of his skull with an ear-bursting squeak. ‘I told a sea witch I loved her.’

  ‘Oh, how lovely,’ Nancy said.

  ‘It was,’ Calamitus continued. ‘The trouble was I also told a mermaid I loved her.’

  ‘Oh, that’th never a good idea,’ the Molar Sisters joined in.

  ‘S’right,’ Calamitus said, shaking his head. ‘My witchy love found out and – FLASH, CRACKLE – I’m a walking skeleton with magical teeth that everyone wants to steal. Magpies are a nightmare.’

  ‘But how does that explain all this mess?’ Granny said, shuffling about, surveying the damage.

  Everyone turned and stared at Prince Grogbah, who had been tied up with so much rope, he looked like more like a ball of wool than a goblin.

  ‘Don’t look at me, peasants!’ he spat.

  ‘Him,’ Tempestra said, striding up next to her father and pointing at the goblin prince.

  ‘Tempestra Plank,’ Granny said, eyeing the pirate girl. ‘Last time I saw you, you were squincier than a skwabling.’

  ‘It’s been a long time,’ Tempestra said. ‘Most of it has been spent with Dad in a box, searching for this thieving goblin prince.’

  ‘The last thing I remember,’ Calamitus said, ‘we were sailing through a sewer that led right through the Dooky Deep. I’d toddled over to the railing of me ship, you know, to do me business over the side, and a bunch of Grogbah’s cronies grabbed me and nabbed me dentures before I could even take a tinkle.’

  ‘And you’ve been on the run ever since?’ Dad asked Grogbah.

  ‘You should be ashamed of yourself!’ said Mum.

  ‘I couldn’t help it,’ the prince snapped back. ‘The diamonds were really shiny. I like shiny things. I WANT SHINY THINGS!’

  ‘Well, what’s to be done now?’ Granny Regurgita said. ‘Everyone knows it’s goblin law that a wrong can only be righted by a BLUNKIN’ BIG BATTLE!’

  ‘I’m quite tired,’ Calamitus said. He flexed his arms and they cracked loudly. ‘Do we have to?’

  But Prince Grogbah yelled, ‘GUARDS!’ and the huge reception hall suddenly filled with Barrow Goblins. They hadn’t run off at all! Those sneaky little blighters had gone to round up the rest of the troops, knowing that they would need to fight the pirates! Grogbah’s army came pouring out of the dining room and from the garden; there was even a battalion waiting on the stairs with their spears raised and ready.

  Granny Regurgita looked at Calamitus and winked. ‘I think that answers your question,’ she said.

  GET ’EM!

  All at once, Grogbah’s guards flew into action. They darted towards the prince to untie him, while others started charging at us, swinging weapons above their heads.

  ‘OH NO YOU DON’T!’ Granny Regurgita bellowed. She ploughed into the horde of goblin soldiers like a demented rhinoceros, sending pumpkin-sized bodies flying into the air. ‘RAAAGH!’ Calamitus tripped a passing guard and snatched his sword in mid-air. ‘Let’s see if there’s life in me old bones yet.’

  I looked at Mum, who nodded at me, then grabbed an umbrella from the hatstand and threw it.

  ‘LET ’EM HAVE IT, FRANKIE!’ she yelled over the din as she picked up a mop and whacked a goblin in the face with it. In no time at all, the hotel was a mass of flailing limbs, jabbing spears and bits of furniture flying through the air.

  ‘HOOLIGANS!’ Lady Leonora exploded a jet of ectoplasm into the faces of three snarling soldiers.

  ‘AAAAAEEEEEEE!’ A goblin guard sailed past my head and landed in the fountain with a huge splash.

  ‘Take that!’ I turned round just in time to see Tempestra Plank shoot one of the chandeliers, which came crashing down on a gaggle of goblin heavies.

  It was dizzying to take in
.

  Nancy had clambered up the wall and was shooting great nets of spiderweb at unsuspecting guards, then hoisting them into the air.

  ‘Don’t you think you’ll get away with this!’ she shouted at the little wriggling soldiers.

  I ran towards the fountain, batting guards aside with my umbrella, trying to get a better view of the room. I’d nearly made it when I had to hurdle Gladys Potts as she scampered past with a broom handle between her teeth, tripping goblins left and right. OOOH! AAGH! EEEK! UHFF!

  The battle was now raging all over the place, but all I could think of was Grogbah. Where had the rotten whelp gone? I had to find him!

  ‘FRANKIE!’ I heard Dad’s voice yell. I turned round and almost burst out laughing at what I saw. There Dad was with the vacuum cleaner nozzle aimed right on the top of the Royal Shouter’s head. The little twerp’s knot of red hair had been sucked up, and he was thrashing about like a fish on the end of a hook.

  ‘THAT WAY!’ Dad pointed at the library. ‘GROGBAH WENT THAT WAY!’

  I sprinted towards the library, ducking under one of Grogbah’s henchmen as he shook about in midair. For a second I thought it was magic, until I noticed the ratty toupee in front of him. ‘Ha! Good on you, Alf!’ I shouted.

  When I reached the archway to the library, I stopped and watched with a mixture of shock and delight as a squad of goblin swordsmen were pelted with books by the dust pooks, who were hurling them at a surprising speed for potato-sized little chunks.

  But where was the prince?

  On the other side of the library, Madam McCreedie was swatting at some of Grogbah’s sour-faced wives with a feather duster. The wives were whipping back at her with the long strings of pearls that dangled off their fancy gowns.

  ‘OH, I’M GETTING BORED OF THIS!’ screeched Madam McCreedie, then let rip a banshee wail so loud that the wives were bowled backwards and straight through the wall into the kitchen. ‘AND DON’T COME BACK!’

  For a second all I saw through the hole were scurrying feet and smashing plates, but then I caught a glimpse of pink robes with tiny gold embroidered flowers hurrying past.