Shapeless

by Glenn Bullion

  "Leave her alone, man," Brady said. His voice was right behind her, close. "She's had a tough day."

  "Who asked you? Lilian, look, sexy, I just—"

  A hand grabbed her shoulder and spun her around. It wasn't Brady's kind touch, but rough and forceful. She didn't see who was harassing her, only Brady stepping forward once again. He gave the stranger a vicious head-butt, sending the man to the ground. She somehow doubted his head was only flesh and blood when he struck.

  "Jesus," he said. "What is it with these people?"

  Lily reached for his hand.

  "Let's get out of here."

  She didn't look behind her, bringing back the memory of when she'd left before. Without a word, Lily and Brady climbed in the car. She drove away as fast as she could, winding through the neighborhood to the highway. Her crying had subsided enough for her to see.

  They drove for nearly ten minutes in silence. Brady was the one to speak first.

  "Well, that was fun. Can we come back tonight?"

  Lily laughed. Then she cried. The tears wouldn't stop. She missed Alyson.

  "Lily, pull over," Brady said gently. "You can't drive."

  "It's okay. I'm okay."

  "No, you're not. Pull over, now."

  Reluctantly, she gave in. Throwing the hazard lights on, she slowed the car to a stop on the shoulder and let it run, for the air conditioner. Brady massaged the back of her neck.

  Lily reached across the seat and embraced him. They held each other as she cried. Her cries turned to sobs, making it difficult to breathe. She didn't want to sob, not in front of him. Goosebumps rippled across her skin, making her shiver. Her stomach danced and turned. She thought she'd be sick at any moment.

  Brady ran a hand through her hair. He kissed her on the cheek, bringing out goosebumps of a different nature. She slowly pulled away and looked him in the eye. He was so great. He'd trusted her with so much of himself. It was time for her to do the same.

  Even if it ended their friendship.

  She reached across his lap for the glove compartment. With a heavy sigh, she pulled out one of many pictures of Alyson she always kept nearby. One in the car, one in her room, several in her purse.

  "This is my cousin." She handed the picture over. "Alyson."

  He studied the picture and gave it a smile. It was taken at a local fair. Alyson held up a huge toy dragon over her head.

  "Beautiful."

  "She is. Was. We grew up together. Always getting in trouble. She had a thing for dragons, and we always talked about how we were going to visit China one day. I…killed her."

  "What happened?"

  "I used to sell weed. For Mattie. Made some good money, but I wanted more. So, he moved me up to heroin. Right out of high school, I was selling heroin to kids I'd been in class with a year earlier."

  If Brady was appalled, he said nothing.

  "Well, I didn't know Alyson had a problem. I knew she liked to try shit, but heroin, I never dreamed…."

  She went quiet as she relived that night in her head. Coming home late from a party and finding Alyson in the room they shared. Dead. Her body halfway on the bed, the rest of her slumped over the floor. She knew she was hurting, and tried to crawl for help before she died.

  "She overdosed. With the heroin I was supposed to sell."

  The tears came again, along with a new level of frustration. She wanted to stop crying. But she wasn't sure she'd ever be able to stop crying.

  "My family disowned me, and you know what my cousin Matt thinks of me. I've…been trying to pull myself together ever since. I'm not sure how well I've done, with the whole job-with-porn, and everything."

  That was it. Strangely, Lily felt better. A weight she'd been carrying for years was a little lighter.

  But what did Brady think? Did he hate her? She tried to tell herself that didn't matter, that the confession itself was enough. But Brady mattered to her. His opinion of her was important.

  He was quiet, and his lack of reaction was killing her. She wanted to know what he thought, but he only looked confused. Possible negative reactions circled her thoughts. He could leave the car, not wanting anything to do with her. Maybe he'd dismiss her with an angry wave. Or turn into a bird and fly away.

  "Is that it?" he asked.

  Lily leaned back, surprised and slightly irritated at his casual attitude.

  "Uh, yeah. Can't that be enough? You want more?"

  "No, I mean…where's the part where it's your fault?"

  "Did you not listen to a word I said?"

  They were facing each other. He took her hands in his, trying to calm her down. It wasn't working.

  "Lily." He searched for words. "Look, yeah, you sold drugs. That's bad. But what happened to Alyson, that's not your fault."

  She smiled, despite her anger. He was trying to make her feel better, and she realized they were still friends.

  "You're just saying that."

  "No, I'm serious. If I have a car parked outside my house, and someone comes and steals it, and wraps it around a tree. Do you blame the person whose car got stolen, or the person who stole it?"

  "It's…not that simple."

  "It's not? Why?"

  "I should have put the shit somewhere else. I shouldn't have kept it in the house."

  "Yeah, well, if you could see the future, I'm sure you would have." He touched her shoulder. "Lily, what happened is terrible. And you both made mistakes. Please don't hate me for saying this, but it's really Alyson's fault."

  "Me hate you," she said, shaking her head. "After everything I just said, you're worried about me hating you."

  "I've never had a best friend before," he said. "I don't want to lose her now. But I have to be honest. It sounds like Alyson had a drug problem. You can't blame yourself for that."

  "All my old friends do. My family does. They won't even speak to me."

  Brady waved dismissively.

  "Eh, families are overrated. I never had one, and look how wonderful I turned out."

  She laughed and embraced him again. Her thoughts drifted to Alyson. She would have really liked Brady.

  "I miss her so much."

  Lily wanted to kiss Brady. He was so supportive, understanding. Maybe he was right, that Alyson's death wasn't completely her weight to bear. Maybe it wasn't all her fault. One day hopefully she could afford therapy.

  "Thank you," she said.

  "For what?"

  She pulled away and took a deep breath. Her thoughts drifted to what was next. Mattie wasn't responsible for last night's attack.

  It was someone else.

  "Just for being you." She settled in behind the wheel. "Let's go. We still have to get you a phone."

  Brady frowned.

  "A phone. Yay."

  CHAPTER 18

  "I don't know about a phone, Lily."

  "What's the matter? Are you afraid technology will hurt you? That the hundred-year-old phone in your bedroom will get jealous? I'll protect you, I promise."

  "Funny."

  Brady couldn't remember the last time he was at the mall off the job. He found himself still working, watching the stores and people around him. Lily was at his side, her purse slung over her shoulder. As they walked together, he noticed the stares pointed their way. He thought it was because of the small cuts on Lily's face, but then he noticed the second glances, laced with confusion. Perhaps they really did stand out as a pair.

  "Damn, you're so tense," Lily said. They were on the second level. She gave his shoulders a quick rub as they walked. "You see a shoplifter or something?"

  "No, it's just…what am I going to do with a phone?"

  "Well, call me, hopefully. And if you're in trouble, call the police."

  "I don't really carry much real stuff on me." He looked down at his clothes. "I can see me forgetting I have a phone in my pocket, changing, and the thing drops and breaks."

  "We'll get a case for it."

  "But what if they can track me through it?"
>
  She rolled her eyes.

  "I think you finally watched too many of your videos. Look, what happened last night might never happen again. Maybe they were thieves. And they weren't there because of how—" She looked around. "Special you are. But whatever is going on, you need a phone."

  "Maybe. Or maybe they were Men In Black and they've been looking for me because I'm an alien."

  A mother and her young daughter heard the comment as they passed. They gave Brady and Lily an odd glance as they hurried their pace.

  "Always attracting attention. What am I going to do with you?"

  He regarded Lily with a smile. Creamy skin, rainbow hair, a figure that turned heads, a personality that lit up the room, intelligent. It was a shame she didn't always see what he did. She'd gone through some damage in her life.

  Just like him.

  "I'm not the one attracting attention."

  She looked down at her clothes.

  "You're right. I've got to get out of this. I need a pair of jeans and some sharp scissors. First, clothes. Then we'll get your phone."

  "I was just getting used to seeing your legs."

  She dragged him away with a giggle.

  The department store was empty. Lily searched through a pile of jeans while Brady browsed through several racks. He thumbed through the shirts, picking out designs and colors he liked. Next were the shoes. A new pair wasn't a bad idea. He'd stuck with a basic black sneaker for years. Maybe it was time to change things up.

  He glanced up and caught Lily staring at him. She gave him a warm smile before returning her attention to shopping.

  "You actually look at clothes?" she asked.

  "For ideas. I can copy anything I see."

  "Shit. I wonder how much money I've wasted over the years on clothes."

  "Yeah. Especially when you cut holes in them," he muttered.

  "What was that?"

  "Oh, nothing."

  A new voice joined their conversation.

  "Brady?"

  He turned to see Paula, his boss. She smiled and approached when she saw him. He wasn't used to seeing Paula out on the floor. She usually spent her time protecting the mall from the security office.

  "Wow. You know, I've never seen you without your uniform before."

  "Believe it or not," he said, laughing. "It does happen."

  "Even on your day off, you couldn't stay away."

  Brady sighed and pointed at Lily with exaggeration.

  "Yeah, she's making me get a phone."

  Lily appeared at his side. It took a moment for Paula to realize the two were together.

  "Hi," Lily said. "I'm Lily."

  "Oh! Hi. Is this your girlfriend?"

  Brady and Lily stared at each other, both at a loss for words. Technically, no, she was not. But she was the only woman who slept in his apartment, watched his ridiculous videos with him, took care of him.

  "Uh, no," he said.

  "We're just fuck buddies," Lily added. She simulated the act by sticking her finger through her open fist. "You know. Poke, poke."

  "Ah, classy. Are you okay? You have some cuts there."

  "Oh yeah. The sex just got a little rough last night."

  Brady laughed and shook his head. Thankfully Paula was a fun, laid-back boss.

  "Yeah, that happens sometimes." She looked at Brady. "Don't stay too long, or I'll clock you in."

  Paula waved and left the store. Brady followed Lily toward the dressing rooms as she carried several pairs of jeans.

  "Thank God I already had my review," he joked.

  "Who was that?" Lily asked, angry. "Your boss? Or your mother?"

  The shift in tone jarred him.

  "What?"

  "Did you see the way she looked at me?"

  "No. I didn't."

  He followed her to just outside the curtained-off bench, stopping short of joining her inside. Leaning against the wall, he heard her removing her shorts and slipping into a pair of jeans.

  "She looked at me like I was a thief."

  "Paula's a security guard. She thinks everyone's a thief."

  "Asking if I was your girlfriend. Like there was no way we could be a couple."

  "We're a perfect match. You sell porn, I buy it."

  He was hoping to get a laugh, but was answered only with silence. She continued to try on jeans until she found a pair she liked.

  "Are you okay in there?"

  "Yeah, yeah. Just…ignore me. I'm sorry. Can you borrow some scissors out there?"

  Brady held out his hand and watched as his palm changed. His essence leaked from his skin, molded and formed. Pulling the curtain back an inch, he offered the scissors.

  He kept his vision firmly with him, and not the scissors, out of respect for Lily's privacy. Though he couldn't stop the sensation of touch. He felt her hand, her fingers, an occasional brush of her leg as she snipped and cut her jeans. It was exciting, to touch her from a distance. It was an experience he'd never shared with anyone else.

  She threw the curtain back and posed. Her jeans were covered with strategic rips and holes, showing off skin here and there.

  "How do I look?"

  There was no point repeating how beautiful she was, so he simply nodded and smiled. He held out his hand for the scissors. She handed them over, and her eyes went wild when they merged with him.

  "I thought you borrowed them."

  "Why would I do that?"

  "So, you could feel me that whole time?"

  "Sorry. It's not really something I can turn off."

  She relieved his concerns with a smile.

  "It's okay."

  They paid for her jeans and headed back to the mall. It was time for the second part of their journey. A phone. Brady was not looking forward to it.

  "What's it like?" she asked as they walked. "To feel something, even though you're like…detached." She shivered. "It's creepy."

  "Wow. Thanks."

  "No! I don't mean for me. I like it. Wait. That's not what I…." She sighed, frustrated. Brady held in laughter. "Just tell me what it's like."

  Brady thought for a moment. She was again asking for an explanation he didn't know he had.

  He reached for her hand. She took it and squeezed gently.

  "Do you feel that?" he asked.

  "Your hand? Yeah."

  "Okay. Now close your eyes."

  She did so, and he slowed their pace so she wouldn't trip and fall. Others watched and laughed at the experiment as they passed by.

  "Do you still feel my hand?"

  "Yeah."

  "How about your arm?"

  "Uh, what?"

  "You feel my hand, and you feel yours because of mine. But do you feel your arm? The muscles, the blood pumping? Your elbow?"

  "Not really."

  "Then how do you know your hand is still connected?"

  "I guess I don't."

  "That's what it's like. I feel things, there's just no arm in the middle."

  "That's the weirdest shit I've heard in my life."

  "I'm weird. Remember?"

  "Wouldn't have you any other way."

  The phone store was not a pleasant experience. A salesman immediately pounced on them as they entered. Luckily, Lily took the lead as Brady tried to absorb the technology around him. Data plans, mobile hotspots, minute bundles, share plans, screen resolution, pixels, external storage support, wireless charging, texting. Apparently buying a phone wasn't a simple matter anymore. Lily and the salesman talked for ten minutes, and Brady wasn't sure if they were further along in their quest.

  "Uh, excuse me," Brady finally said, holding up a finger. "Do you have just a simple phone? You know, a phone. Something to call people with?"

  "You sound ninety years old," Lily joked.

  People browsing for their own phones and tablets paused to enjoy the banter. The salesman seemed genuinely dumbfounded.

  "You don't want a smartphone?"

  "I don't think so. I'm smart. I'm going to be sm
art for the phone."

  Lily laughed.

  "Brady, if you get a regular phone, how are we going to do nudes? And you need a camera. I need my pics, too.""

  The salesman blushed. The few patrons in the store laughed. Brady nodded slowly, long used to Lily's humor.

  "I guess you got a point."

  After what felt like half a day, they finally settled on a relatively mundane smartphone. Small screen, not very fast. Hopefully fast enough to dial numbers. Approaching the counter, Brady noticed Lily rooting through her purse.

  "What are you doing?"

  "I'm making you get a phone. I'll pay for it."

  "Lily—"

  "I'm not fighting with you over this."

  "But it's my phone."

  Lily ignored him and tried to give the employee a credit card. Brady snatched it first and handed over money he already had prepared. She eyed him dangerously.

  "You asshole," she said.

  "Too slow."

  "Are you hungry?"

  It was close to noon. As if on cue, his stomach rumbled. The food court was just outside. The delicious mix of scents pulled at him, even if he smelled them every day.

  "I could eat. Whose turn is it to buy?"

  Lily had to think.

  "Mine. I'll stay here and get your phone activated. Take my credit card, since you stole it."

  "What do you want to eat?"

  "Surprise me."

  Brady left Lily behind to browse the various food shops. They had Chinese food not long ago, and tacos, as much as Lily loved them, tended to make her sick. He settled on subs and fries, partly because he saw Toni working at the sub shop. They were friends, talked often at work, and he knew she'd make their subs just a little thicker. Being the security guard at the mall had its perks.

  He found an empty table and set up for lunch. Lily was still in the store, talking with the clerk behind the counter. He watched his close friend, just enjoying seeing her laugh and smile. They must have been joking about him, as she turned and gave him a wave.

  Every Friday for years, he said nothing to her at her job. He just bought his movie and left. Too afraid to speak, too comfortable in his routine. He always thought he wasn't normal. No one would accept him for who he was, what he was.

  Now his routine was a beautiful mess.

  He wished he would have said hello to her sooner.