ON AIR

by Hadley Quinn

  I’d returned to work the next Monday, and although I always kept in touch with my sister through texts or dropping in now and then, I was glad she’d been extremely busy with wedding plans. She hadn’t had time to stick her nose in my business, and it was okay with me that she hadn’t been aware of my Sinclair obsession—or worse, what Emmet had confessed to.

  As I sat in my office that morning, my thoughts went to the conversation I’d had with Emmet the night before. I’d called him. I didn’t want to meet with him face-to-face just yet, but I wanted to clear the air about things. Him, my mom, my dad, the accident, and also “Sinclair.”

  I’ll say this straight up: you don’t always feel better when things are out in the open. Some days I wished I didn’t know; other days I felt my curiosity and determination to solve pretty much every damn thing I could was always going to win. Some moments I was glad I knew Sinclair’s identity and some moments I regretted it. The saying “what you don’t know can’t hurt you” definitely made sense in my life now and then. Sometimes I wish I’d been blind and deaf to it all.

  I wondered if I’d be better off having never heard Sinclair on the radio. But I had. And even though I hated her words repeating in my head—a crazy twist of fate—I couldn’t stop wondering if maybe she was right. When that entire nightmare was happening—the media talking about the accident nonstop and people taking sides—Chloe had once said, “It’s just a tragedy no matter how you look at it and people need to move on.”

  I never considered how wise those words were back then. Looking back on it now, she’d been completely right. No wonder she had a happy life despite what she’d been through. She’d chosen to have a happy life. Maybe in thinking I was always looking out for my sister, she was actually the one being an example to me instead.

  She entered my office that afternoon. The visit was a surprise because we worked on opposite sides of the city, and whenever we’d get together for lunch, we’d usually meet somewhere in between. Because of her new business and her engagement, that hadn’t been much of an option the last few months.

  Smiling, I gave her a hug. My guilty conscience was observing her at the same time, but she seemed like her usual, happy self.

  “I’ve missed you,” she told me.

  “I’ve missed you too. I’m sorry I haven’t been around much. I’m more available though if you need me.”

  “Yeah, Chris said you were going to be cutting down hours here. How come?”

  Shrugging, I sat and motioned for her to sit too. I turned to my computer and opened a file. She waited in silence until a design popped up. “What do you think?” I asked.

  She studied it while I rotated the house, and then flipped through the floor layout. “So nice,” she nodded. “I love it. Who’s it for?”

  I closed the file. “Me.”

  Her eyebrows rose. “You designed yourself a house. To buy? To live in?”

  I could have just agreed with her, but instead, told her the truth. It was something I needed to discuss with her anyway. “Actually… I’m thinking of asking Natalie if she’d want to try it out with me.”

  She gaped at me, but her lack of verbal response had me worried.

  “Look, I know you and Natalie don’t mesh that well, but I—”

  “What?” she interrupted. “What makes you think that?”

  I considered what Chris had told me and chose my words carefully. “Your fiancé seems to think you and Nat shouldn’t be friends. He also implied that she’s only friends with you to get close to me.”

  She scoffed, but then started to laugh. “Natalie and I are very different, but honestly, it’s what I love about her. And Chris is only trying to look out for me. Sometimes I think he treats me like I’m more fragile than I really am. I’m a big girl, Dane. You don’t have to protect my delicate feelings.”

  “So… You and Nat really are friends, right?”

  “She’s a great friend to me. She really is. And yeah, it took me a while to get used to her personality, but Dane, she’s the sweetest, most giving person I know. Do you know how many hours she’s put in at the café for me? Without pay. It’s an absurd amount. I’m finally at a point where I can pay a couple of employees, but Natalie still won’t let me pay her what I would owe her. I know she’s got her own full time job, but I wish she could work with me every day. We’ve had some good times.”

  I let that information sink in. It’s not that I needed my sister’s approval over who I dated, but I’d intended on filling her in.

  “I’ve treated her like shit,” I admitted.

  “Yes, you have.”

  I’ll confess I was a bit surprised by her agreement. I mean I was owning up to being an asshole, but maybe I was hoping it wasn’t truly the case and she’d stick up for me a little bit.

  “Dane,” she sighed. “Natalie is a very strong, independent woman. She’s bold, she’s opinionated, and she’s downright sassy sometimes. But…she’s perfect for you. Those are the qualities you love in her. You like that she won’t agree with you just to agree with you; you like that she’s feisty and gives you hell sometimes. You don’t like boring. You don’t like predictable. You don’t like ordinary. And… Natalie Denman is none of those things.”

  I didn’t know what to say. She was right of course, and I needed to figure out the best way to make things right with Nat.

  Chloe rose from her chair, a smile slowly forming on her face. “And man, I wouldn’t want to be you right now,” she laughed. “I heard you stood her up last week.”

  Confused, I began shaking my head. There was no way I— Last week?

  Oh. Shit.

  “Word on the street is you had a date to Wicked and didn’t even pick her up for dinner…”

  “Oh my God,” I groaned, dropping my head so hard onto the desk it gave me an instant headache. “Oh. My. God.”

  “Mmhmm,” my sister said as she turned for the door. “If I were you, I’d get to groveling pretty damn fast. Flowers, Dane. Candy. The most expensive concert tickets you can find. A new car. A shopping spree for clothes with an unlimited amount.”

  She was teasing me, but I seriously felt like none of that was enough. Thinking back, Natalie hadn’t even called or texted me that night to see where I was. She must have been pissed as hell.

  “I had so much going on last week…” I began. But I stopped myself. Because then I’d have to discuss things with my sister that I wasn’t ready to deal with yet. And yes, I had decided to tell her. It was the right thing to do.

  Just not now. I wanted to wait until after she got married.

  She paused in the doorway, her smile turning somewhat pensive. “You know what I said earlier? About me not being a sensitive little baby?” She waited for a few beats. “I know what Mom did. I know about Emmet.”

  I was honestly rendered speechless. All I could do was lean back in my chair and stare at her.

  “He tried, Dane. He was there for us. And even if it was out of guilt, I think Emmet has genuinely always cared about us.”

  “When did you speak to him?” I finally asked.

  She sighed. “This morning. This last week has just been kind of weird and… I guess I’ve been feeling like there’s a big gaping hole in my life that’s been there for a while. I realized it had to do with Mom and Dad. You know, I wasn’t always kept in the dark back then. I heard things between you guys, between them.”

  She paused for my response, but I didn’t really have one.

  “Things seemed to blow over, though,” she continued. “So I thought they had things worked out and all was well. Mom seemed happier, Dad spent more time on her; I wanted to focus on them being back together. But then the accident, and all of the media… You know how hard that was. Maybe I swept it under the rug, but I felt it was the best thing to do at the time. There’s so much hate and unhappiness in the world. I just like to focus on the good stuff.”

  I guess I could understand her thinking that way. I’d always felt like she had no cl
ue. But again… She chose to look at things positively.

  “I think they had to go through that to realize what it was that they loved in one another,” Chloe added. “Kind of like you and Natalie.” She paused so that could sink in. “And by the way—in case she ever denies it—she kept your sweatshirt because she always slept in it. She liked feeling close to you even when you weren’t around.”

  She left on that note, leaving those words to resonate in my office. I considered talking to her about Jessica Holt, too…but maybe it was better to wait. I was sure my sister would face it with the same type of attitude, so perhaps it was just me who needed to get through my hangups first.

  34

  “No, no, no… Let the old man have the last beer!” Madden laughed, tossing it from the cooler.

  I couldn’t believe I was thirty years old. The last few years of my life seemed to have gone by way too fast. I was proud of my accomplishments and who I was as a person, but I felt like so much of my life had been wasted on worrying over the unknown. I needed to stop thinking so hard about things. I needed to spend more time in the present and live my life instead of questioning the future so much.

  I’d enjoyed the barbecue my sister and Chris had thrown for me at their house. And when Chloe and I sat down with Emmet after everyone left, we asked him more questions and he answered them. Even with answers and a clearer understanding of my parents and their situation back then, it seemed like everyone had been robbed of quite a lot.

  I felt Emmet had lost the most out of the three of them. He truly loved my mother but knew they couldn’t be together. It felt a bit awkward to hear him speak so candidly about it, but they both decided to end things with each other so my mom could be a better wife and mother—because my father was a good friend to him and he couldn’t lie to him anymore. He told himself year after year that it was the right thing to do, but it didn’t hurt any less.

  Then he lost them both.

  Love was such a bitch for me to comprehend. It’s like people can find it, and have it…but is it ever meant to be fully enjoyed? I didn’t think relationships were supposed to be easy, but I felt like loving someone should be. I realized that I’d never been in love. I’d loved the company of females now and then, but I had never really felt like I couldn’t live without them. To me that signified affection, but not love.

  I was still waiting to feel that undeniable spark.

  As I left my sister’s house that night, I decided that there were different levels of love that needed to be explored in this life. I’d always been blessed with the love of family and friends. Beyond that, I still needed some reckoning. I’m pretty sure I was approaching that reckoning. The empty space in my chest must have been signifying something because it wasn’t a feeling I was used to.

  I’d kept in touch with Natalie the past week because I wanted to; I needed to know she was okay. The night I’d apologized profusely over the phone for standing her up, we talked for about an hour. I didn’t hold anything back. I told her everything about my life that I could possibly tell her. But I stuck to facts not feelings. Those I kept tucked far away. She’d distanced herself from me for a reason and I wasn’t ready to face that yet.

  Although it felt right talking to her, I knew it would have been much better in person. Her responses were friendly but calculated. I could tell she was wary. I also knew that I’d hurt her before, and I couldn’t fault her for feeling guarded.

  I deserved her caution.

  Pulling into the radio station parking lot, I took a few minutes to contemplate. It was after eight p.m. and I was late, but I’d decided to meet with Jessica Holt. I didn’t know what the meeting would entail or what it would resolve, but I told myself to do it and to be okay with whatever came from it.

  There was a separate gated parking lot behind the building that she’d instructed me to use. I gave my name and i.d. to the security attendant, and he let me through. I found a space to park in and just sat for a minute.

  Jessica was coming out of the building when I stepped out of my truck. I waited until she noticed me. She slowed, but continued my way.

  “I thought you changed your mind,” she said as she stopped some distance from me. Maybe she was afraid of me because of the way I’d treated her a week and a half ago.

  I didn’t apologize for being late, or explain where I’d been. I just leaned my hip against the driver’s door of my truck and waited for her to take the lead.

  She ultimately remained at my tailgate when she sighed and held her hands out. “I’m sorry for everything your family has gone through. I’m sorry for what happened to your parents. I’m sorry for all the media fuss, even though I had no control of that. I’m sure your life has been tough because you lost your mom and dad. But…you have no idea what my sister and I have been through.”

  I waited for her to continue but she didn’t. A bit surprised, I scoffed. “Seriously? What you and your sister have been through?”

  “My dad left when we were young, my mom died of cancer. We lived with our grandparents growing up.”

  Again I paused, waiting for something more. “And? Is that why you wanted to meet with me? To whine about your own life? I don’t really care about the past, okay? I just want to hear you tell the truth for once.”

  She shifted her stance. “I wanted to talk to you seven years ago and was told no.”

  “So? You committed perjury in front of a room full of people. You lied in a court of law about the circumstances behind the death of two people. Anything you said to me at that point would have meant nothing.”

  “I was the first person to go to college in my family. I was the only person who could change the direction of my life, my sister’s life, her daughter’s life… I could change lives!”

  I sighed as I opened my door to leave. “Well I’ll agree with that because you and your sister sure as hell changed mine. Just admit the truth so we can be done here. I want to hear you say it. I want to hear you admit that Hailey was driving drunk that night and crossed the median. I want to hear you say that Hailey killed my parents and got away with it.”

  She pressed her lips together and remained silent. I was in disbelief at that point. Even though I’d told myself not to expect anything from this meeting, I had no idea that she would still stand there and lie to my face.

  “Unbelievable,” I murmured.

  “Hailey went through years of counseling after the accident; we both have. She’s a great mom to two beautiful girls; she’s married to a wonderful man now. She volunteers hours of her time every week for the school and church. She provided a great life for me back then so I could go to college.”

  I almost rolled my eyes. I didn’t understand how all of this had done me any good. She’d asked for my time and here I was, listening to her justify how her sister’s life was so much more important than someone else’s.

  “What would you do if it’d been Chloe in my position?” she asked me.

  “Don’t even say my sister’s name. She lives a good life because she’s a good person; not because her guilt drives her to.”

  She didn’t respond.

  “And furthermore,” I added, “If you think using your voice to promote her café was your way of making yourself feel better, you can go fuck yourself. We don’t need anything from you except the truth. Nothing else will replace that. So if you’re not going to tell me what happened that night, then I have nothing left to say to you.”

  I waited for about five seconds as she stared at me motionless. I guess that was my answer, so I got into my truck, turned the key, and started backing out.

  “Wait!” she exclaimed, putting her hand against my driver’s window.

  I stopped, took a deep breath, and decided to roll it down.

  There were tears in her eyes. She glanced at me once but that was the only time. The remaining seconds she spoke, her eyes were to the ground.

  “I know you can’t fully understand someone else’s life unless you’ve lived it,
so I don’t expect you to understand mine. But if you want the truth, here’s the truth. My grandfather molested me for the five years I lived with them. I’m not going to waste my time explaining to you what that was like, or what I went through, or how it couldn’t be proven because there ‘wasn’t full penetration’ to back up my ‘allegations.’ –To have your dignity not only ripped from you, but for it to be discarded because there are evil people protecting child molesters!” She exhaled and then finally looked at me again. “I moved in with my sister and it saved my life. She not only cared about me, but she believed me.”

  She wiped the tears from her face. My pride was forcing me to remain indifferent, but I could feel the anguish and the desperation emanate from her soul. My brain was telling me she was a good actress—could fool a courtroom of people, could convince an entire city what restaurant to eat at—but my heart felt a stab of regret.

  “I’ve never shared that with anyone in nine years,” she sighed a shaky breath. “Some things just need to remain buried. But if you need to pick apart every aspect of my life to make yourself feel better, then be my guest. As for issues between you and I… I said I was sorry and I truly am. I’m not willing to tell you what you want to hear because that would mean what I’ve fought for was in vain. And it’s not. I stand by my decision.”

  “Your decision was to cover up someone else’s crime. Your sister was a drunk driver who killed my parents.”

  “My sister and I had left a ‘family meeting,’” she retorted, using air quotes. “A family meeting where I was called a lying little bitch for the umpteenth time! Family insisting I should be living anywhere but with my twenty-two-year-old sister! Hailey had wine that night. Wine! She wasn’t a goddamn alcoholic who got trashed every weekend! They made her sound that way! And I was sick. Physically ill from being treated like shit by my own relatives. And for the record, there was a fucking dog in the road!”

  She’d smacked my truck with that last statement. I’ll admit her emotions got to me. And at that point, it was like so much tragedy and loss had been lurking over everyone…maybe it really was time to just let it go. My parents died. Nothing could change that. Maybe what I thought would make it “right” really wasn’t the answer at all.