When Loyalty Dies, So Does Love

by Dorothy Brown-Newton

  “Mom?” I screamed.

  No answer.

  “Dad?” I cried.

  No answer.

  I dropped to my knees and cried out for my parents. Kane rushed over, knelt down, and held me, and we cried together. My emotions shifted suddenly. I became angry. I wanted answers. As feelings of rage came over me, I started throwing things and screaming.

  “Who did this? I want them dead! Do you hear me? Dead!” I cried out.

  Rellz pulled me into his arms, and I sobbed into his chest, repeating that I wanted them dead.

  Rellz

  I finally got Tasha to calm down. She cried herself to sleep as I rocked her in my arms. We were still at her parents’ house. I called Shea to fill her in on why I needed her, and she had a crying fit over the phone. I had to calm her down and tell her I needed her to be strong for Tasha, even though moments ago, I had cried too. Seeing the hurt in Tasha’s eyes had caused me to break down. I got Aunt Vera’s number from Tasha’s phone to give her a call because I didn’t want her to hear about her brother when the news reported it.

  After she answered the phone and I said my name, she was like, “Rellz? Who is this? The same Rellz that left my niece at the altar?” I could tell she was intoxicated, and I had the urge to tell her to stop yelling in my ear, but now wasn’t the time. I asked to speak to her husband, Vic, because as mean as she had been to me, I didn’t want to confront her with the bad news about her brother.

  After hanging up with Tasha’s uncle Vic, I had to wake Tasha up so that we could go home. The officers had been nice enough to let us stay as long as we did, but we had to go because the home was now, in fact, a crime scene. I told Kane to keep his head up before he got into the car with Rena; I really didn’t know what else to say. Tasha left the van parked there, and I drove us back home. She kept her eyes closed, but I knew she wasn’t sleeping, because of the tears streaming down her face. I felt really bad for her. I knew that pain all too well, and as I drove, she had me thinking about my own mother—the mother I had led everyone to believe was dead.

  My mother, whom I’d always adored, had lost one of her sons, my twin brother, Relly, when he was thirteen. Mom had told me and Relly not to leave the house, but I’d had to leave because I had a few dime bags left, and I didn’t want to have any drugs in the house overnight. I hadn’t wanted to leave Relly in the house by himself, so I’d let him tag along. It didn’t take me any longer than half an hour to get that work off, which meant there was enough time to get home without Mom knowing that we had left the house.

  Relly wanted something to eat before going back home, so we stopped at the bodega for sandwiches. I went to the back of the store to grab two bottles of soda and some chips. Just as I was closing the refrigerator in the back, I heard a commotion coming from the front of the store. I heard someone yell, “Didn’t I tell you to stay off my block?” and in that moment, I realized that my brother had been mistaken for me. Once it registered in my brain that I needed to get to the front of the store, I froze, and then I heard gunshots.

  Concerned about my brother, I rushed to get to him, no longer caring about the gunshots. When I got to my brother, he was gasping and choking on his own blood. I held my brother as he tried to talk, and I yelled for someone to help me. By the time the EMS arrived, he was gone. He had died in my arms. That night, I lost not only my brother but also my mother. She didn’t understand anything that had been told to her. All she knew was that if I hadn’t left the house, Relly would still be alive. She blamed me for his death, and she disowned me that night.

  I was so hurt. I had just lost my brother, a piece of me, and to be blamed for him being killed crushed me. Even after the store’s surveillance tape revealed the identity of the killer and he was arrested and charged, my mom’s grief did not lessen and she still blamed me. I had no one to comfort me or tell me that it would be okay. I grew up numb, with no feelings for many years. The streets raised me after I was disowned by my mother. Meeting Tasha that night awakened something in me. Don’t get me wrong. Witnessing the delivery of my firstborn was a great feeling, but Tasha provided the love that I had been yearning for, or maybe it was the feeling of being wanted. I didn’t know. I really couldn’t explain it, but what I did know was she broke down that wall that I had erected to protect my heart. I never again wanted to feel the pain that I felt when I lost my brother and my mother in the same day.

  The only other person I had trusted before Tasha was Turk, and he had become my brother from another mother. So it was understandable that I had to let her go. After I gave her my heart, only to have her break it into a million pieces, I felt that same pain I had felt all those years ago. I had never shared any of my life with anyone, so Tasha or Turk had never known where my distrust came from or why it was so deep. If she had known, she would have understood why I had to walk away from the engagement and why I chose not to have any contact with Turk.

  Lost in my thoughts about the past, I didn’t even realize that I had stopped the car and that tears were streaming down my face until I heard the driver behind me blow his horn. I pulled over onto the shoulder, trying to control my emotions. Tasha grabbed my hand, and our tears continued to fall. She was crying over the loss of her parents; and I, over all the pain I had endured while growing up.

  In the days that followed, Tasha’s loss really opened my eyes and really had me thinking that now was the time to forgive and forget, before it was too late. No one was promised tomorrow, so if I died, I want to die knowing that I had made amends, whether the other person was receptive to this or not.

  Tasha

  When my sister passed away, the guilt alone made me feel as if I wasn’t going to be able to go on living life. Now that both my parents were gone, all I had left was Kane and Jason. However, Jason was still missing, and Kane had been distant, as he’d been tending to Rena, who was having a complicated pregnancy. Rellz had been here every day since it all happened. He had helped me get through the funeral and everything else that entailed coping. My mom’s and dad’s urns sat in my living room. on top of my china cabinet. I missed them so much. The detective still had no leads. Most nights I gave myself a headache from trying to solve my parents’ murders. I knew Detective Niles was tired of me calling, but I didn’t care. I refused to allow the police to give up.

  I heard Rellz come downstairs. Every night he tried to get me to sleep in my bed, because I had been sleeping in the living room, with my parents’ urns. I hadn’t wanted to sleep anywhere other than on my couch. I looked up, and he made me smile. He had a blanket and a pillow and the baby monitor and was talking about move over.

  “Rellz, both of us are not going to fit on this couch.”

  “Why not?” he said as he pulled me up, slid the coffee table forward, and then removed the cushions on the couch, revealing a sofa bed.

  “No way that this is a sofa bed and I’ve been sleeping uncomfortably for weeks,” I said, giving him the side eye.

  “I didn’t tell you, because you didn’t need to be sleeping on the couch when you have a king-size bed upstairs,” he said seriously.

  “I know, Rellz. I just need to be near my parents,” I said, trying not to tear up.

  “I understand, and that’s why I’m here with my blanket and my pillow to show you that I support you.”

  “I don’t know if Mom and Dad are going to like seeing you lying in bed with me,” I laughed.

  He laughed too, but I knew I was freaking him out by sounding crazy. I was just glad he was here in my time of need. He put the baby monitor on the coffee table, and then he got on his side of the bed. I climbed in next to him. I made sure to say a good-night prayer to my parents, as I did every night, and dozed off.

  I got up the next morning feeling much better. I showered and started breakfast for Rellz and the kids. I heard Rellz moving around upstairs, so I assumed he was getting the kids ready for breakfast. I pulled out Madi’s high chair and set her oatmeal in the freezer for a few minutes to cool off,
because she didn’t like to wait for her food. She was just like her greedy daddy.

  “Good morning, Auntie,” Saniyah and Shaina said in unison when they walked into the kitchen.

  “Good morning, Auntie’s babies. You guys, sit down at the table. Breakfast is ready.”

  Rellz came down, holding RJ and Madi. I took Madi and put her in her high chair, but not before giving my baby her morning kisses, which I knew she had missed, being that I hadn’t been myself recently. After breakfast, Rellz had some business to take care of. He was hesitant to leave me alone, but I told him that I would be fine. When I said he hadn’t left me since the day my parents passed, I meant he hadn’t even gone home or checked on his businesses. He had simply refused. Even when we’d gone shopping for the kids’ outfits for my parents’ home-going ceremony, he had bought everything we needed at one time so that he wouldn’t have to run out later for something and possibly leave me alone.

  I knew if I told him about the calls I’d been getting, he would never let me out of his sight. My gut was telling me the caller was Lecia, but the one thing that had me doubting my gut feeling was this person was using some kind of scrambler. It made his or her voice sound a bit robotic, and I doubted that Lecia would go to such extremes. Not to mention that this person was calling me a murderer and a motherless child. It was really starting to freak me out, especially since this someone was calling me a murderer. Only two people knew what had happened in the past. One was deceased, and I highly doubted that Rellz had told anyone.

  About an hour after Rellz left the house, I heard the doorbell ringing, so I got up from the couch and headed to the door, wondering who was there. I made sure to look through the peephole before opening the door. I saw Shea standing there.

  “Hey, Shea. Please don’t tell me Rellz called you,” I said, shaking my head.

  She shook her head. “No, he didn’t call me. I just came by to see how you’re doing and to visit with my goddaughter, if that’s all right with you,” she said, slipping by me.

  “Yeah, okay. I know he did.” I laughed.

  “Anyway, how have you been?” she asked.

  “I’m doing much better. Rellz has been great. He gave me the time I needed to grieve,” I said as I led her into the living room.

  “That’s good. I told you that man loves you.”

  “Just not enough to make us a family again.”

  “Tasha, come on and put yourself in his shoes. You would have done the same thing,” she said as she took a seat on the couch.

  I sat on the other end of the couch and faced her. “Shea, I have been in his shoes more than one time, and I stuck with him through it all.”

  “Men are different from women. They can dish it, but when it’s done to them, it’s the end of the world.” She rolled her eyes.

  “Preach, girl, because if I didn’t know, I know now! The way he looked at me that night was like I disgusted him. But he failed to realize all the times he had disgusted me and I had still stood by him.”

  “I’m just glad that you two were mature enough after the breakup to be cordial toward one another and to continue raising these kids together.”

  “Rellz will never bail on the kids. That’s what I love about him. Shit. We even had a weak moment toward each other.”

  Shea opened her eyes wide. “OMG! Are you serious? When did this happen?”

  “One night he was over visiting with the kids, and it just happened,” I confessed.

  “Wow. Well, what happened after you two bumped and ground?”

  “He went home to his girlfriend.”

  “How did you feel about that?”

  I thought carefully about her question before answering, because I didn’t want to get caught up in my feelings. “I felt some kind of way about it, and he did too. He called to check on me the next day, and I was in my feelings, so he came back over to talk.”

  “And details, bitch,” she laughed.

  “I just told him that I wasn’t going to be his booty call, and he said he would never do that to me, because he still loves me. He said he just doesn’t trust me enough to be with me, or something like that.”

  “He doesn’t trust you? First off, you made a mistake, and second, if you were that girl, then why haven’t you dated anyone since the breakup? Rellz better get his life.”

  “That’s the same thing I said, but peep this. He told me that him and ole girl are not together anymore.”

  “When did this happen?”

  “RJ got sick, so Rellz met me at the hospital, and he brought her with him. It was getting late, so Rellz asked me to tell her she could go and that he would meet her at home. She started tripping, telling me that I should leave and let her be there for Rellz and his son.”

  “The nerves of that bitch.” Shea frowned.

  “I know, right? So long story short, he sent her home. When they released RJ, Rellz stayed over. I guess she was in her feelings, so the bitch called my phone, tripping again, so I’m guessing that was the last straw.”

  “I hate an insecure bitch. She’s tripping, knowing the baby was sick.”

  “And now somebody has been playing on my phone, with crazy threats, and calling me names. Straight up child’s play,” I revealed.

  “That bitch needs to get at Rellz’s ass, not yours. You weren’t fucking her. He was, and that’s who she should be mad at.”

  “You know how this shit goes. Females always blame the other female. I’ve even done it.”

  “Okay, enough about that bitch. Time for me to spend some time with my goddaughter.”

  Shea spent the entire day at my house, doting on all the kids, not just Madi. I had a really good time with Shea, and the kids adored her. I was guessing that Rellz had told her to stay with me until he got back, because she wasn’t trying to leave. Around five o’clock, I decided to cook dinner. I found myself anticipating Rellz’s return. His being here these past few weeks had me feigning for him again. I had no idea how to turn it off, but I definitely didn’t want to get hurt again if he was not feeling the same way.

  Last night we had slept on separate sides of the bed, but by morning, he’d had me in the spooning position. Even though I was awake, I had lain there, enjoying the warmth of his body and the tingling feeling it was giving me. Damn. Just thinking about it now had my body tingling again.

  “What has your ass over there smiling to yourself?” Shea asked me as she sat at the kitchen table with Madi on her lap and watched me stir the contents of a skillet.

  “Nothing has me smiling. I’m cooking, not smiling,” I lied.

  “Yeah, okay. If you say so.”

  “I say so. Are you staying for dinner?”

  She nodded enthusiastically. “Hell yeah. Whatever it is, it smells good.”

  “You know how I get down in the kitchen.”

  “I do. That’s why I’m staying.” She laughed.

  Rellz

  I couldn’t believe I had driven all the way to Shirley, a small town on Long Island, just to sit in my car in front of my mother’s house and not make a move. I had made up my mind to come and see her so that I could hash out my feelings. I had gone over what I wanted to say in my head a million times. I needed to man up and get out of the car and at least attempt to talk to her. If she turned me away, at least I would know I had tried. As soon as I had convinced myself to get out of the car, a squad car from the Suffolk County Police pulled up behind me, flashing its lights. The officer got out of the car and approached my window, which I rolled down.

  “License and registration, sir,” he requested.

  “License and registration for what? I’m parked. Is sitting in my car a crime?”

  “Sir, sitting in your car, with the car running, for more than ten minutes seems suspect.”

  “Correction. I haven’t been sitting in my car for more than ten minutes. And, anyway, I’m parked in front of my mother’s house.”

  I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth. These dudes went ha
rd when they felt that you were trying to disrespect them. I didn’t need to sit in nobody’s jail.

  “Sir, I find that hard to believe, given that someone in this home called the authorities.”

  “This home belongs to my mother. She didn’t know I was coming, Officer, but I assure you that this home belongs to Miriam Coleman.”

  “Sir, what’s your name?”

  “My name is Rellz Jackson.”

  The officer left me sitting there and walked up to my mom’s door, rang the doorbell, and waited for her to answer. I thought about just pulling off and saying, “Fuck it,” but I knew that would anger the officer. And it had been long enough; I wanted answers from my mother. Also, I had put a lot of time into trying to locate her, since she didn’t go by the name Jackson any longer, and I didn’t want it to be for naught. When my mom opened the door and talked to the officer, I saw her put her hand over her mouth. She appeared to be shocked—not the reaction I had expected. I had expected her to tell the officer that she didn’t have a son by that name. The officer came back over to my car and offered his apologies for the misunderstanding. He stated that he was just doing his job. Bullshit.

  My mom continued to stand at the door in her housecoat and an apron and hold the screen door open. I guessed she was waiting on me to get out of the car. I took a deep breath before getting out of the car and walking up to the house.

  “Baby, is that really you?” she cried.

  She threw me for a loop with that one. I wanted to be angry and mean toward her for abandoning me, but being angry for so many years and yearning for the love of my mother, who was now standing here, acting as if she had missed me, had taken its toll on me. I said acting because I had no idea if she was being sincere or not. I hadn’t seen her or spoken to her in fifteen years.

  “Boy, don’t just stand there. Come on in, and give your mother a hug.”

  I hugged her, and I tried to keep my tears at bay as the thirteen-year-old boy who still lurked inside of me tried to seep out. I had always dreamed of this day. Even though she hated me, I had never hated her; I had always loved and missed her. She held on to me so tight that I felt like that little boy again. The only thing that bothered me was that she was acting as if I had moved away and was home on a visit, which was far from the truth. And that was when it happened. She called me Relly. And that was when I realized that she thought I was my brother.