Falling Out of Focus

by Brynn Myers

  The air was thick and heavy between Gavin and me. He continued to stare out the window, and I felt nauseous. We were quite the pair. My voice cracked. “So how…how are you feeling?”

  He didn’t turn to look at me. Instead he just mumbled. “I’m fine.”

  “I was surprised to see you here,” I stammered. “How are you here?”

  He scoffed. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to intrude upon you.” He finally looked my way, but now I was wishing he’d continued to stare off into the distance. He was angry, and I didn’t really blame him, but…well, I wanted this to be a civil conversation.

  “That’s not what I meant. I––I just didn’t expect to see you here and bound in a swamp.”

  “It wasn’t a swamp and how do you know I didn’t want to be there?”

  I flinched. “What? What is that supposed to mean?”

  “It means, Novaleigh that the hell I was in,” he paused, “currently in, is better than the hell I was in when you left me.”

  Dagger. Heart. Soul.

  I looked away. “I know. I’m sorry,” I mumbled.

  “Sorry. You’re sorry? For what exactly?” he snapped. “Never having the guts to tell me the truth? Leaving and never calling to explain that you’re selfish and self-serving? Or simply sorry.”

  Tears started to stream down my face. What could I say back? He was right on all counts. I was all of those things and more. I wiped my eyes before the drops slid down my chin. They were coming faster now, though, the more I let Gavin’s words sink in.

  “I’m sorry, Gavin. I truly am.”

  “I’m sure you are, Novaleigh, but it changes nothing.”

  “You’re right,” I struggled. “I’ll leave you be.”

  He scoffed and moved to stand but lost his footing. I was close enough to catch him which was helpful but not wanted. As soon as he could, he pushed out of my arms and used the back of a chair to steady himself. “I don’t want or need your help anymore. We may be here in this place together, but that is just geography. You need to go and find your way away from me, away from here.”

  I nodded. “Understood.”

  Gavin limped over to the window and turned his back to me. This was exactly what I expected, and I didn’t bother to argue. I moved to leave but paused before I made it to the opening to the corridor. “I didn’t know that you were the man bound. I just wanted to help. When I found out it was you…I couldn’t let you suffer. I’m just glad you’re okay.”

  Silence.

  I left without another word.

  As I stepped out of the clinic and back out into the open space of Cadent, I pondered what to do next. I was infamous for running, burying my pain and pretending like everything was okay, when actually, I was unsteady and falling apart. This time, I needed to make smarter choices. I could run now, or I could think where I should go next to get out of this insanity and back to some semblance of a real life. I walked towards a group of fae males farming and asked if they knew where I could find Oliver. At first they looked at me sideways, but when I explained I was looking for an overly dressed otter with glasses, they pointed me to a cottage at the end of the clearing. I walked for a while, picked a bunch of wildflowers, and finally made it to the place Oliver was staying. I knocked on the door and waited.

  Oliver opened the door and looked up. “Are you okay?” he asked.

  I nodded. “I am, but I want to leave. I think it’s time to move on.”

  “What about Gavin?”

  “He doesn’t want me around, and it’s probably for the best,” I said with a curt smile. “Can we leave soon? Or can you point the way so I can go?”

  “You know I can’t do that, Novi. I have to go with you.”

  “I figured you’d say that. Can we leave soon then?”

  “Depends on where you want to go next?”

  “I wanted to go to the place I saw yesterday. The place where the trees were tall and frostbitten.”

  Oliver shook his head frantically. “No. We cannot go there, Novaleigh.”

  “Why not?”

  “We cannot go to The White.”

  “The White? What does that mean?”

  “It’s official name is Hiems, but for all of us, we call it The White, it’s not a good place and certainly not for you.”

  My shoulders dropped. “Not for me?”

  “Yes, Novi. Not for you,” he emphasized as he pulled me down towards the porch of his temporary cottage. “And this is not a challenge. I’ve figured out by now that when someone tells you not to do something, it’s the first thing you want to do. That is not what this is. Ninety percent of the inhabitants of Sacrife, not just those who live here in Cadent, avoid that area at all costs. It is not safe.”

  I thought about what he was saying and nodded my head slowly in agreement. “So then I guess you need to tell me where we are going next then.”

  “Well, first I must ask why you are ready to leave Gavin? He has not yet healed completely.”

  “I already told you. He doesn’t want or need me. I need to move on so I can get back to my home, where I come from.”

  “Then I think Awakening is where you need to go next. We call it that because it is what happens in Hortus, and while that name doesn’t exactly elicit positive thoughts, that is exactly what Hortus is. There is new life there. Beauty at every turn. I think you will like it there, Novi.”

  I nodded again but was silently disappointed. Was I ready for an awakening? Did I really want new life? I mean, yes, of course that is a step in the right direction, but I couldn’t help shake the feeling I had more to do before I was truly ready to start again.

  “When can we leave?” I relented.

  “It’s a two-day journey, and it’s mid-morning now. Let’s eat lunch and we can set out after that. This will give us a chance to find shelter before darkness falls.”

  “All right, we leave after lunch.”

  “I will speak with Golar and Mabellio and ask them to help gather what we may need for our journey. You should probably go back to your dwelling and rest. This journey is a bit more treacherous than the one that brought us here.”

  I leaned over and hugged him then stood to leave. I really didn’t have much to say. I just wanted to get back to Scotland and out of this fantasy. As I walked back towards my assigned dwelling, I looked in the direction of the clinic. My heart ached, and I clenched my fists to stave off the pain of his rejection. Again, you only have yourself to blame, Novaleigh.

  Lunch wasn’t just cheese and crackers. No, it was a massive feast like the morning I arrived. Everyone in Cadent was in attendance Golar said. Apparently, they all wanted to wish me well on my journey to Hortus. I was overwhelmed by their admiration and gifts. At this point, I think I’ll need two extra-large Samsonite suitcases to carry everything they were giving me.

  Oliver bumped my arm. “Don’t worry, we can pack all that to make it portable.”

  “Good thing. I was a bit worried, and I didn’t want to offend anyone,” I whispered.

  “It’s almost time for us to be heading out. Did you need to do or say anything to anyone before we leave?”

  I narrowed my eyes at him. “Subtle, and no. Other than Golar and Mabellio, I’m good.”

  “Very well then,” he said as he stood. “Give me five minutes, and I too will be ready. I left a few things in my room.”

  “How about I meet you at the tree over there with all the hanging lanterns then?” I pointed.

  He adjusted his glasses and flicked a nod. “Five minutes.”

  I made my way over to Mabellio and his family. The kids were playing while a woman with long golden hair held an infant in her arms. “I wanted to say goodbye and thank you again for helping me.”

  “It was no trouble. Is your friend well?” Mabellio asked.

  “He’s well as far as I know.” I forced a smile.

  Thankfully, Mabellio didn’t push and ask more questions, instead he turned to the woman standing beside him. “Novaleigh, this
is my wife, Ilsepas.”

  I held out my hand and she looked at me funny, but she quickly smiled a smile that lit up her whole face. “It’s wonderful to finally put a face with the name,” she said as she leaned in to hug me. “I’m sorry we haven’t met before now, but I’ve been tied up with the baby and unable to attend the events. I hope you have found what you were looking for during your visit here.” Ilsepas pulled away when the baby stirred in her arms.

  “She’s beautiful. How old is she?”

  “Twelve days today.” She beamed.

  “Holy Hannah. You look great, and she looks like a perfect blend of the two of you.” I smiled. “It was lovely to meet you, Ilsepas. Your husband was too kind, and I won’t soon forget it. Please be well––all of you.”

  After another round of hugs, I made my way over to Golar. She was sitting, not in a throne as you would expect from a queen, but in a high back chair covered in a burnt orange mushroom cloth and that had sunflowers and marigolds scattered about. The chair alone was a work of art, but as I looked at the queen sitting in it, I was reminded of the Celtic goddess my nanna used to read me stories about. Golar was every bit as beautiful. As I got closer, I realized she was talking to another fae. I waited until she was finished and approached. “Please pardon the interruption, but I wanted to say goodbye and thank you. Oliver and I will be leaving shortly, and I couldn’t leave without expressing my appreciation.”

  She reached for my hands. “It was our pleasure, Novaleigh. I wish you well on the next leg of your journey. Will Gavin be joining you and Oliver?”

  “No. He has chosen to go his own way. Thank you, though, for healing him. I––I would be heartbroken if something happened to him,” I stammered.

  “He may be closed off to you at this moment, Novaleigh, but have faith. What is meant to be will be.”

  I tried not to show any physical signs of mental anguish out of respect, but inside I was screaming at her words. Yeah right. He would walk past me and let me die if he ever saw me again. That ship has sailed. In fact, it’s been gone for years.

  She squeezed my hands and smiled. “It may seem as though all hope is lost, but sometimes people surprise you.”

  “Wait, I hadn’t said that out loud.”

  Golar smiled again. “I know.”

  I sighed.

  I looked up and saw Oliver waving me on. “I have to go, Golar. I wish I knew a way to repay you for your kindness.”

  “That’s not necessary. All I ask is that you keep your heart open to new possibilities and to stop letting the past control your future decisions. Each day is a new chance to make better choices. Do that for me, and I will always be filled with peace.”

  I nodded solemnly and then hugged her before rushing off to meet up with Oliver.

  “Are you ready to go?” Oliver asked.

  “Yes.”

  I took one last look at the clinic and felt that ever present tug in my heart. At least here he was safe. I wished him well and turned to leave. There in the window, the sun obscuring parts of him, was Gavin, looking at us as we headed for the portal. I waved a hand, knowing it wouldn’t be reciprocated. It was okay though. I was saying goodbye. Now if only I could get my heart to listen to the sanity behind the gesture.

  Oliver and I stepped out of the peace of Cadent and back onto the main road in Sacrife. I had no idea what two day’s journey was going to feel like, but we were moving on. In a way, it felt good––sad but good.

  Chapter Twelve

  The sky in Sacrife was as it was the first day I arrived. The only difference today was that it seemed darker and more ominous. The trees were barren and with dusk approaching they began to loom over us like soldiers guarding the path. Oliver and I stayed close to one another, but the air had shifted, leaving us both a tad uneasy.

  “The road to Hortus will skirt the outer banks of Hiems so be aware of your surroundings,” he said flatly. “Also, there will be things trying to lure you towards the realm. Ignore them.”

  “You mean like Sirens?”

  He gave me a quizzical look.

  “Sirens are mythical creatures who lured sailors to their doom with their seductive singing.” I smiled.

  “I guess it could be something like that, but they won’t sing. They will, however, try to trick you with things you are attracted to or have some connection to,” Oliver replied.

  I shrugged, dismissing his comments. I got it. DO NOT GO TO THE WHITE OR YOU WILL BE LOST. Oliver hadn’t ever screamed it at me, but he’d certainly reiterated it enough that it felt like he had.

  Darkness had set in, and Oliver had pulled yet another trick out of the satchel he carried and produced lanterns to light our way. We continued on our path for a while without incident, but I guess I willed it into existence, because suddenly, there was a roadblock before us. There on the side of the road was a broken-down wagon. It honestly looked like a Romanian gypsy wagon, sans the horse. It was brightly colored and decorated with a dozen or so round lanterns. I slowed but Oliver waved me on without a word. We almost made it past the back when the door opened and a wooden staircase dropped down out of the back of the wagon. In an instant, five harlequin-like clowns emerged and began to perform all kinds of acrobatic tricks, encircling us––correction...corralling us.

  They were graceful but a little creepy too. They were wearing black and white costumes that were form fitting and appeared to move like some psychedelic drug trip when they flipped around. That of course was odd, but not nearly as odd as the chant they were singing as they continued to perform their tricks.

  See us dance.

  Watch us flip.

  Care to take a chance?

  We’ll only need a sip.

  Come to see our mistress?

  Or come to see our master?

  She can be quite viscous.

  But he is a disaster.

  We love them both, and we’ll let you choose.

  Either way, we wouldn’t want to be in your shoes.

  Chills ran up my spine as they continued to repeat it over and over again. What the hell was that screwed up rhyme supposed to mean? I looked down at Oliver who never took his eyes off the clown-like creatures as he rubbed the crystal he had hanging around his neck. He blew on the clear jagged shard until it began to glow vibrant shades of pink and purple. He reached for my hand, and I took it immediately. Something was about to happen, and I doubted it was going to be good. Here we go again.

  Out of the wagon emerged a cloaked figure who was followed by a haunting woman. She was literally stark white––her hair, her skin, her eyelashes, her dress, and crown on her head. Everything was washed in white, except for her eyes. They were an icy-blue that made her appear ethereal but not in a good way. My heart was racing and with each breath I took, the wider she grinned. Oh shit. I tried not to look at her, but I couldn’t take my eyes off her. What the hell was she? Who was she?

  “Crossing a little too close, are you not, otter?” the woman said in a honeyed tone. “I think you owe us a passage payment.”

  “No. We have favor with the twin queens and that buys us a pass.”

  She hissed. “It buys you nothing.”

  “Lithia, do you dare anger Uphren? You know her temper when she is displeased,” Oliver challenged.

  Oliver suddenly dropped to his knees and made a gasping noise. I knelt down and screamed up at her and the cloaked figure. “ENOUGH!”

  The woman, Lithia, spat her response. “You are nothing special. Pink hair or not.”

  “Yeah, no shit! I never said I was. Release him, now!”

  The cloaked figure moved closer to me but was blocked from getting too close. Was I immune to their power but Oliver wasn’t? No. I realized when the man looked at his hand as it flickered with ombre hues of fire. I gasped. His hand…stark white, crackled like dried mud. Oh my god, the warden. He pulled back the hood of the cloak and reveal himself. “We meet again.”

  Lithia released Oliver from whatever magical force she was
choking him with and cast a glance at the warden. “You know this thing?”

  “Hey!” I shouted before I could stop myself.

  “You dare to speak to me in such a tone? I will have your head.”

  I rolled my eyes. Hmm, wonder where I’d heard that phrase before? “Where are your card soldiers and shouldn’t you be shorter and a bit more red?”

  Oliver’s eyes went wide. “Novaleigh, stop. Do not aggravate her any more than she already is,” he whispered into my ear as he tried to stand. “We are safe here on the main trail, but if the magic surrounding us ceases to hold, those creatures will have fun playing with us. Understand?”

  I, too, stood and tried to compose myself. Sure, I was being a badass on the outside, but on the inside I was quaking in my boots. All I could think of was the phrase my dad’s father used to say to him when I was a kid, “Don't let your alligator mouth overload your hummingbird ass,” and I think I’d done just that.

  “We want to pass. We have no business or quarrel with you, Lithia. We’ll just be on our way,” Oliver said as he dusted off his trousers and adjusted his glasses.

  He was sure and deliberate with his tone, but I suspected that he felt the same way I did––we were on thin ice and at any moment it could crack and then everything would change.

  Lithia’s demeanor changed and she made her way back over to the wagon. “Come forth,” she bellowed to someone inside.

  Chains rattled as someone appeared in the opening. A slender female with hair as pitch black as midnight, slowly made her way down the wooden ladder. She had tawny skin that was wrinkled and thinning. She looked like one of those apple face dolls, all weathered and worn.

  “How may I serve you?” she asked when she finally stood beside Lithia.

  “Her,” Lithia pointed at me. “I want to know more about her?”

  The old woman nodded. “From where I stand, she is lost, traveling in our lands to find her way home but cannot accept the truths before her. She believes we are all a dream and that we are just figments of her fractured mind. She is stuck between two worlds.”