The Ultimate Guide to Kink

by Tristan Taormino

  • Some people love biting genitals or having theirs bitten; others might haul off and smack you one or call you a cab, so go lightly at first. The labia, balls, and shaft of the penis are very sensitive; even more sensitive are the clitoris and the head of the penis. Use your front teeth and gently press on any of these tender bits of flesh, not fully closing. Then close and release. Or while holding this tender flesh between your teeth, run or flick your tongue against your lucky victim.

  Rough Hand Sex

  There are many things we get to do with our hands when getting rough during sex: penetrate, pinch, slap, punch, flick, stroke, scratch, rub, smack, knead, press, and so on. Like your teeth, your hands are always with you and can be two of the most versatile sex toys (along with that other gorgeous one throbbing in your skull). You can use your fingers and hands for vaginal and anal penetration, fisting, hand jobs, and more. These are just a few ways to include your fingers and hands in sex. Using latex or nonlatex gloves and lube are sure ways to make any kind of penetration less susceptible to infection and disease transmission, and will do wonders to give a smooth ride to the receiver.

  Set the stage by talking about your intentions before you get busy. Check in verbally with simple words, without cockiness or worry: “I want to fuck you hard with my hand, okay? It’s so okay to say no, my precious slut.” Once you get the go-ahead, don’t stop paying attention to your lover, but now, take what you want. Watch and listen to your lover’s reactions.

  For vaginal penetration, start slowly, watching and listening to your lover. (Use lube as needed.) Keep checking in periodically. Once her body is as full or almost as full as is comfortable, move your fingers in and out, building speed and intensity. Go slowly, just don’t let go of the intensity—the feeling of doggedness and hunger on your part can be a huge turn-on for your partner. You can fuck long, deep, and hard or short, fast, and hard—combine these in various ways. Curl your fingers toward the navel and stimulate the G-spot. With one hand penetrating the vagina, the other hand is free to cause other delicious trouble—choking, slapping, squeezing breasts and nipples. Throw in some mouth action too: sucking or biting her belly, breasts, and cunt. Slowly increase the intensity and speed of your thrusts. (Thrusting intensity and speed are separate things.) Remember, if you’re fucking a vagina, pounding the cervix (located at the back of the vagina) can be a painful experience. Be ready to shift positions if your partner tells you it hurts.

  When fucking your partner’s ass with your hand—even if you’re “raping” them—you must use lube. Spit does not count—end of story. The ass cannot make its own lubrication, and if not treated properly the thin skin of the rectum can tear easily, making both receiver and giver susceptible to bacteria and STIs. Plus, no lube equals bad pain. Start slowly with one or two fingers or a small toy with a condom on it, and build larger as his body allows. Once his body is as full or almost as full as is comfortable, move your fingers in and out, building speed and intensity. Tell him that you own that hole. You can fuck long, deep, and hard or short, fast, and hard. The common element is hard—this is rough sex, after all. Curl your fingers toward the navel and stimulate the G-spot or the P-spot (prostate).

  And receivers of anal sex? You think just because you like rough sex your ass is supposed to hurt and feel ripped open? No—really no. Don’t use poppers or numbing creams—if it hurts, tell your partner to slow down or stop. Bad pain sucks. It also makes you “ass shy” for future anal romps. Remember, rough sex means more communication and negotiation—not less. Tell him his junk is too damned big—and he should take it up his own damned ass if he thinks it’s so damned easy.

  Fingers and Mouth Play

  Putting your fingers in someone’s mouth can be unspeakably sexy. It’s also a great way to objectify someone and make them feel deliciously used by you for your sexual gratification. Bend two or three fingers into her mouth, press your thumb onto her chin or under her jaw, and grab hold. Move her head to the position you want it—a better angle to kiss you, to put your nipple, cock, or cunt in her mouth, to slap her face, etc. Have him suck your fingers as if they were your cock. Instruct him to open his mouth and keep it open. Insert two, three, four, or even five fingers into the waiting mouth and “fuck” his face with your hand. Try this in a variety of positions. While penetrating her from behind with dildo and harness or penis, pull her hair by the roots to arch her back, bringing her head toward you. Insert your hand and fuck her face this way. Be sure you judge how deep you want your fingers to go—the head tipped back makes for a more narrow space in her throat; if gagging is not your and her thing, be careful to not push too hard or deep.

  Slapping

  Being on the receiving end of slapping makes me feel very, very small and submissive. It is the single fastest way to get me into a bottom head space. I get very quiet, inside and out. At the same time, whether it’s because I’m wired this way or because I now associate the two activities (slapping and sex), I get aroused.

  —MANDY

  Let’s talk about slapping, face slapping, and punching. It’s important to know where it’s safe to hit someone’s body. (Have I mentioned consent recently? Here is your reminder that you need consent in order for any of this not to be abusive. Explicit, noncoerced consent.) Check out Illustration 9.1: Where to strike. All the places marked 1 and 2 are perfect for slapping. Places marked 3 should not be hit.

  Illustration 9.1. Where to strike

  There are three basic kinds of slaps: cupped hand, open/flat hand, and fingertips only.

  Cupped-Hand Slap

  Your hand is extended, fingers together, slightly bent. When the hand connects with the skin, it makes a hollow sound. This is the least stingy of the three types of slaps; it’s a great one for beginners, for warm-up, and for anywhere on the body (including genitals).

  Open/Flat-Hand Slap

  The hand is positioned just as the name suggests. Use this slap everywhere that’s safe to strike, with varying amounts of intensity and depth. You don’t have to haul off and slap somebody silly simply because you want to play rough. Repetitive, gentle slapping—especially on sensitive areas—can feel remarkable. Light slaps feel sharp and stingy, while heavy ones will leave a tingling, burning sensation for some time after the hand is removed. This slap is great for butt, face, belly, chest, and thighs, and lightly on genitals.

  Fingertip Slap

  Ow! This is a mean one. Imagine swatting away the hand reaching for your last cookie, using your fingertips to connect with the offending hand or arm and then pulling off quickly. That’s this one. Can be used with care anywhere on your lover’s body to make it sting.

  Face Slapping

  Perhaps you want to slap someone’s face. Or have yours slapped. You’re in great company. Face slapping can change the direction and intensity of a scene like nothing else, allowing the one who is slapping to feel turned on and powerful over his lover, and the one receiving the slap to feel intense intimacy, “put in his place,” made to feel small, loved, humiliated, turned on, quiet, woken up—a million amazing things. Face slapping can also bring up immediate, unexpected emotional responses like rage, tears, or panic.

  Unlike what we see in the movies, face slapping can really hurt; it can be disorienting and humiliating. If someone’s past includes physical, verbal, or sexual abuse, whether in childhood or adulthood, face slapping may send them into a tailspin, making everyone feel pretty bad. Be sure to mention face slapping specifically when you and your partner discuss what works and doesn’t work for you. Even if you are already getting busy, check in first before you slap someone’s face. Holding his head, show him your hand and ask, “Yes?” Wait for a response before you continue. This goes for people who have been lovers for a while too—today might have been a tough day for her, and face slapping will be too much to deal with. If your partner has TMJ (a chronic inflammation of the jaw) or other jaw issues, don’t do this. Avoid the cheek and jawbones, eyes, and ears. You might want to take off those g
lasses too.

  When you have your partner’s consent, support the right side of her head with your left hand (opposite for lefties). Spread your fingers apart so that the ear is not pressed between your fingers and her head. Supporting the head like this prevents the head and neck from being jerked suddenly and damaging to the neck. It’s also a great way to get eye contact with your lover: a perfect moment for the giver to “own” the moment, keeping calm and attitudinally tall. Watch as that energy transfers through your hands and eyes to your partner and back again—it’s electrifying and sexy, and it can be hugely moving. With your right hand, place your fingers (not palm) on the fleshy part of her cheek. Don’t include her jaw, eye, or ear. When you’re learning this technique it’s easy to miss the target, so do a slow trial run. Pull your hand back and place it on her cheek. Start slowly and lightly. After you deliver a slap or two, check in. Ask, “On a scale of one to ten, how hard was that?” This is a great way to discover what she wants as well as to gauge your strength. (It’s a common complaint, especially of people who study martial arts, work out, or do a lot of manual labor, that it’s difficult to know what too hard looks like.) This gets you two talking, as well.

  FACE SLAPPING IDEAS

  • She’s on her knees sucking your cock. Holding the left side of her head and steadying her jaw, slap her face. Remember, her teeth are very close to your sensitive cock; by steadying her jaw, you minimize risk of accidental bites (or payback bites!). You can also pull her mouth off your cock, slap her, and then put her right back where you both want her.

  • Instead of using your hand to support his head, press one side of his face onto a soft or firm surface. This is great for getting busy with the other hand. Use great caution here, though: a wall or floor, even the bed or a pillow, doesn’t have the give that your other hand would have. A slap is felt more intensely in these positions.

  • Want to up the ante? Once you’ve established that face slapping is a go, try slapping her without holding the side of her head. Be careful that her head does not snap back or to the side. Try a few backhand slaps as well.

  Punching

  There is something explicitly erotic to me about being punched, the flesh-on-flesh of it sends my mind into a place like nothing else does.

  Punching is an aspect of rough sex that at first glance might freak you out, but punching during fucking is sexy, fun, and mighty, and something that tons of people are into. Gender, muscle power, and size are irrelevant—the playing field can be leveled by desire. It’s certainly not just the domain of athletes or men: countless nonjock women—queer and straight, tough and tender—adore punching and getting punched as part of their sex. It builds and releases a deep, primal energy exchange between giver and receiver. It’s incredibly intimate, especially face to face. It’s verboten. It’s fun and fierce. You get to feel “taller” in yourself and in the world. Both givers and receivers can push themselves like marathon runners, getting off on the release of their pent-up junk and feeling happy, whole, and high from the release of endorphins. They get to tap into their fierce animal selves, otherwise held captive by the daily confines of rules, assumptions, fears.

  However, family and society teach that hitting between lovers is abuse; if you like to hit or be hit, you are mentally and emotionally unstable; boys are never supposed to hit girls; girls wouldn’t want to hit boys; two girls hitting each other is funny—it’s a catfight (or bad porn); two boys hitting each other is normal and has nothing to do with sex; trans people don’t exist, so they don’t even make it into the equation. Forget all of it. Really. Useless crap. The one thing to learn and remember: When there is explicit consent, the doors to boundless possibilities in sex swing wide open.

  How to Punch

  This isn’t a street brawl or Gold’s Gym; there is no boxing ring and there are no adversaries—you’re both on the same team, with a common goal: joining together to make your sex unspeakably hot and raucous. Know your own strength—you’re going for controlled sensation not a knockout. Build up slowly, see what turns on your partner. As I advised above, don’t slap or punch when you’re angry; this is not a substitute for resolving conflicts with love and respect.

  Givers: Make a fist, thumb in front, outside. Use the flat part of your fingers or the side or back of your fist (or you can slightly lift your middle knuckle and make that the first point of contact), keeping the wrist firm but not locked. Do not use your full strength—especially when starting out. Stay aware of your body and your strength, and of how to place a punch as opposed to throwing one without care for where it lands. Remember too that what the receiver may want and what feels good to her today may be undesirable tomorrow, depending on her mood and physical health, including her menstrual cycle. Vary the depth and speed of punches; light, repetitive punches can build anticipation and allow the receiver to find the head space to go deeper and receive more.

  Receivers: Don’t clench up when receiving a punch. Breathe. If being punched on a certain part of your body doesn’t turn you on, try another meaty muscled spot. Or say no, thank you. Don’t give in to fear, or allow yourself to discover what might feel exquisite. Asking your partner to lighten up or shift position slightly is a sign of an engaged and passionate partner. Good for you.

  You can punch anywhere on the body you can spank or slap. Areas good for punching: back (the meaty back/shoulder muscles), upper and inner thighs (inner is more sensitive), chest/pecs, side/upper arms, and ass. Areas you shouldn’t punch: joints, spine, kidneys, bony protrusions, throat, neck, sternum, feet, hands, ears, and eyes. There are a multitude of opinions regarding whether or not it is safe to punch breasts. It has been said that punching breasts can cause cysts to develop or damage already existing cysts. The generally accepted guidelines are to punch the pectoral muscles, not the breasts or the sternum.

  Bruising

  Not all punching leads to bruising—not even close. But since everyone bruises differently, I’m including a few simple steps to take in case you bruise after an especially hot encounter. Some medications can cause people to bruise more easily, including blood thinners, antihistamines, and aspirin. Tylenol and Advil do not increase susceptibility to bruising. If you are concerned about visible bruises, apply ice to reduce possible swelling; after 24 to 48 hours you may switch to warm compresses. A cold shower may reduce bruising; a hot one can reactivate it later. (Some people get off on their sex bruises as memories of love or heat.) Bruising often takes hours or even days to appear.

  It’s common for the appearance of bruises to travel. Your breast may turn all sorts of rainbow colors but you are sure that only your pecs were punched. Generally this is not a problem and the bruises will fade. Using the herb arnica—available at most drugstores in a cream or gel or as an edible herb in pill form at health food stores—can help reduce the occurrence or persistence of bruising. You can take it before or after you play. If heavy impact is a big part of your scene, you might feel the next day as though you were hit by a Mack truck, or exhibit flu symptoms. Drink lots of water and keep an eye on the swelling.

  Breath Play and Choking

  He opened the door, shoved his way in, and pinned me by my throat against the smooth wall of the hallway. He kissed me so hard I thought he would bruise my mouth. I don’t even know what happened, but he made his mouth a seal that enveloped mine and then he held my nose closed with his other hand. That fear that makes me so crazy slipped over me and I could feel myself weaken in his grip. He decided when it was time for me to breathe—to take air; he let the seal between our lips loosen for only a moment and then owned my breath all over again. God, I loved it.

  Controlling someone’s breath with your hand or mouth (breath play) is very intimate and can be dangerous and scary as well. One way to do it is described above. Here are a few variations: • Kiss your partner, making a seal over both mouth and nose. Breathe rhythmically. Soon you are each breathing the other’s inhalations and exhalations.

  • Place one hand over y
our partner’s mouth and pinch her nostrils closed.

  • Bite and suck with your mouth, play with his nipples and breasts with your free hand. Release the nostrils when it’s time for him to breathe.

  Breath play is quite prevalent in porn, and many people equate choking or strangulation with rough sex. But I’m going to tell you right now, there is no way to choke someone without huge risk of injury or possible death. There is abundant documentation of heart attacks, brain damage, seizures, and crushed larynxes—all these effects and more have been clearly linked to choking, strangulation, and other forms of controlling your own or another’s breathing.

  But since telling kids that abstinence is the best birth control hasn’t done squat to reduce teenage pregnancy, let me tell you how to choke someone in a safer way. Notice that I don’t say “safe”? There is no way to guarantee safety, folks—none.

  Many people find choking during oral sex, intercourse, or kissing a huge turn-on. It heightens sensations, causes head rushes, and enhances the feeling of taking and being taken. One way to create the now-I’m-forced-and-helpless feeling of choking without choking is to wrap your hand around your partner’s throat without any pressure while you’re fucking. Although your hand may cover the larynx, do not press against it—it’s far too fragile and can be crushed by too much pressure. Once again, as in spanking and face slapping, being ever aware of the placement, strength, and pressure of your hands is vital. Place your thumb and forefinger on either side of the throat under the jaw, back toward the ears. Press into the throat and up toward the ears and squeeze your fingers against the carotid arteries, reducing blood flow to the brain.