The Ultimate Guide to Kink

by Tristan Taormino

  SOME DEFINITIONS

  In this article I use the term masochism to refer to the desire and the ability to become aroused and perhaps even climax while experiencing sensations that other people avoid. Although I talk about pain and discomfort, it should be understood that once a masochist is aroused and in a state of surrender to these intense sensations, they are not experiencing the kind of pain that someone who is ill or traumatized feels when they are shocked by how torturous it can be to have a body. I also want to note that there are masochists who seek out pain even if it does not arouse them; willingly tolerating hurt can have a number of positive results, which will be clear a little further on.

  Unfortunately, the stigma of the label masochism has been perpetuated by sex-negative doctors, psychologists, and other mental health “professionals” whose vocabularies lack precision. So-called experts get away with claiming that masochism is unhealthy because they use the term loosely to describe other types of human behavior as well. Patients who stay in violent relationships, allow themselves to be exploited by employers or family members, can’t take control over their own lives, or harm themselves physically and emotionally are referred to as exhibiting masochism. Most of these people haven’t got a kinky bone in their bodies. Yet people who enjoy being spanked, whipped, pinched, bitten, etc. because it gives them an erotic rush and makes them feel closer to their partners are also called masochists.

  This flawed logic has resulted in the diagnosis “sexual masochism” appearing in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual-IV TR (DSM-IV-TR), the industry standard for mental-health bureaucracy. “Sexual sadism” is in there, too. You can’t write a case report, create a treatment plan, or (most importantly) bill an insurance company without using the DSM’s nomenclature of supposed dysfunction.

  Is there any objective proof that people who get wet during a spanking are also getting ripped off financially, intimidated by bullies, anorexic, being battered, or likely to engage in self-mutilation? No. And there never will be, because we are conflating two separate categories of human experience. One is a sexual identity or experience; the other is a state of disenfranchisement, oppression, traumatization, or self-hatred. People consent to the former; they wish they could escape the latter. The earliest attempts to educate mental-health professionals about BDSM focused on the fact that this was a sexual style based on consent and negotiation. These were pleasurable acts committed by adults who chose to enjoy kinky sex. This message reached a certain number of people. But it is very difficult to overturn generations of fear and disgust. For many “experts” whose credentials allowed them to pronounce on our mental health (or sickness), the fact that people would consent to do these things became proof that BDSM players had to be mentally ill. If you weren’t crazy, this reasoning goes, you wouldn’t want to do these things or agree to have them done to you. For therapists who are judgmental about sexual variation, the fact that someone would consent to wearing a pair of nipple clamps or having their face slapped just proves that they are indeed sick and unable to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy experiences. And the person who does such awful things to them is a monster.

  For alleged social scientists to judge human sexuality this way is embarrassing. The assumption that variant sexualities are mental illnesses has more to do with conservative religious values than it does with objective observation. If a mental state or human behavior is unhealthy, we ought to be able to demonstrate that it makes that person unhappy, interferes with their ability to give and receive love, prevents them from setting goals that give them a sense of fulfillment, and injures their health. It’s not enough to say BDSM is sick or crazy because most people don’t do it. Most people don’t become concert pianists or Olympic athletes, either. These are individual dreams of excellence that cause people to devote a great deal of time and effort to perfecting their abilities. If you took away the opportunity to compete in their chosen field, these “minority members” would be devastated. Does that prove they are addicted or coerced into loving classical music or diving from high places? You can see how this line of thinking breaks down if we ask some reasonable questions.

  This is not to say that BDSMers (or our relationships) are always happy and strong. Our community has its share of people who are mean-spirited or manipulative or crackers. Some of us find romantic love and lots of sex with ease; others experience higher levels of loneliness and unsatisfied desire. But this is simply the human condition. It’s okay for us to be imperfect. We struggle, like anyone else, to figure out what sort of relationships are ethical or will meet our needs, how to communicate unwelcome information to a partner, whether to let a conflict result in separation or rededication to the relationship. That doesn’t prove that we are sick or crazy. As long as we are conscious of our own and others’ well-being, and striving to contribute to that, we are on a good path and we don’t need to engage in harmful self-criticism.

  AN ALTERNATIVE VIEW OF MASOCHISM

  How many times have you heard someone say, “Pain is a warning that our bodies are in danger”? It sounds like a truism. But, like most assumptions, it deserves a closer look. While pain can be a symptom of disease or injury, human beings have always sought to control their reaction to pain. If we couldn’t tolerate at least some discomfort, sadness, anxiety, or less-than-wonderful physical states, how would any of us get through an ordinary day—much less deal with hard work or a chronic illness?

  For millions of years, people have deliberately constructed painful situations and faced them to obtain a number of different benefits. In some societies, painful ordeals or body modification mark an individual’s transition from childhood to adulthood. Obtaining spiritual guidance has often required a sacrifice, to prove the seriousness of one’s intent and create an altered state that allows communication between this world and other realms. Consciously choosing to suffer discomfort has resulted in the acquisition of wisdom, experiencing divine rapture, obtaining healing, and locating and killing meat for the cooking pot. Whether the goal is mundane or transcendental, the ability to use our hearts and minds to convince our bodies to continue to function while we are aching (or worse) is the hallmark of courage, loyalty, and strength.

  One of the most painful physical events a human being can endure is the birth of a child. Are women “masochistic” because they endure pregnancy and birth?

  The rituals and other trials I described above are not examples of sexual masochism. But they highlight the physiological reasons why it’s possible for us to get aroused by pain. When our bodies feel stress, they autonomously produce chemicals that help us cope. We may pant, bringing extra oxygen into our bodies. Adrenaline, endorphins, and natural narcotics flood our nervous system. Euphoria and agony are next-door neighbors—you can’t break that paradoxical connection. And if you are not willing to tolerate contradictions and paradoxes, human behavior will never make much sense to you.

  Postindustrial Western societies romanticize sex. To some extent, this is good. I wouldn’t want to go back to a time when premarital sex hardly existed, women had no sexual autonomy, and marriages were arranged by the couple’s families. Falling in love is a good reason to be together, even if its initial intensity can rarely be sustained forever.

  Euphoria and agony are next-door neighbors—you can’t break that paradoxical connection.

  We’ve come to expect a level of intimacy and understanding or rapport, especially in the first stages of sexual experience, that very few lovers can sustain. Some women’s first experience of intercourse is easy; others feel varying degrees of twinginess or even a stab of pain when the hymen is broken. But even after that inconvenience is eliminated, it takes some practice for two bodies (especially two bodies of dissimilar gender) to create a mutual rhythm of lovemaking. Being able to tolerate discomfort or even get turned on by it may be one of the things that helps us put up with each other long enough to get better at providing pleasure.

  On an online message board for kinky women, a conver
sation took place about why experiencing pain makes some women get wet. In less civilized times, getting hurt might be a signal that sexual assault was going to occur. One or two of them speculated that this reflex might have helped their gender survive rape.

  I have no idea whether most women or only a handful get physically excited by roughness or pain. Even if this reaction occurs, it does not justify violence against women. Rape is evil because it involves using another’s body as if they were an object, ignoring the person inside and their response to it. Most of the time, rape is an unpleasant and squalid experience that has no pleasurable content. But even if rape results in an orgasm for the victim, I assert that it is as evil to give someone an orgasm against their will as it is to fuck them while preventing them from coming.

  We like to think of pleasure as good and pain as bad, but the Shadow side of us sees through that simplistic thinking. I have seen more hatred expressed in an act of vanilla sex than I could believe, and I have seen inexpressible tenderness while one partner bled and the other inhaled their pain like the bouquet of a rare wine.

  WHO’S THERE?

  This “big picture” stuff is fun to think about, discuss, and research. But it’s a little too abstract to help two people who want to branch out in the bedroom and get into some daunting activities. How can you make your socially unacceptable, thigh-squeezing, nubby-nippled, ball-tightening dreams come true?

  It helps to give some preliminary thought to the psychology of both top and bottom. When I do workshops on BDSM role playing, I like to give participants four different scales that they can use to rate themselves, for masochism, sadism, submission, and dominance. Each of these qualities is independent of the others. I’ve met dominant masochists and submissive sadists, for example.

  Why someone is going to inflict or accept a sensation is as important as who will be playing each part. A masochist may be willing to pretend they are submissive just so they can get whipped till they cry. Without the catharsis of a good workout on a regular basis, the masochist gets cranky and sluggish and depressed. As long as they are black-and-blue, they are perky and industrious. You may get more out of a masochist if you dispense with courtesies such as waiting at the table or picking up heavy things and letting them tell you which implements they adore, which ones they laugh at, and which ones strike terror into their hearts. I’ve seen joyous and amazing pain play that had not a shred of role playing in it. (This does not mean, by the way, that a masochist cannot be quite loyal and helpful to you, if only because you see and value a side of them that the world despises.)

  A submissive may not like pain at all unless it is presented as a service that they are required to perform for the master or mistress. It is the submissive’s obligation to provide service and give pleasure—to yield and submit to a higher will. Pain can be administered as a symbol of ownership. “I can do this to you because you belong to me, and you will take it because it excites and relaxes me.”

  If you don’t know where you fit in this complex picture, don’t worry about it too much. It can take a lot of experience to figure out your own psychic twists and turns. Very few of us are exclusively top or bottom. If there wasn’t at least a crumb of masochism in the sadist, how could he or she understand what they are asking the bottom to do? Not to mention the fact that people’s needs often change as life changes them. Even if you know your pain tolerance can be rated on the heavy end of the scale, be prepared for its fickleness. There will be nights when the paddle that you worshipped last time is just too evil to be borne. Remember that the point of doing a scene is how it makes you feel, not the techniques or toys being used. A good top understands this, and won’t throw a hissy if you need to be beaten with a terry-cloth bathrobe tie.

  I hope it won’t completely confuse the issue to say that not all pain trips require a top and a bottom. Some people who create ordeals view themselves as spiritual guides or assistants; they don’t want a romantic relationship. I’ve heard hot stories of two competitive bottoms who got together to see who would use their safeword first. And, during those periods of drought when the bars and parties and clubs seem populated by toads and trolls, the self-infliction of sexy pain is a very nice adjunct to masturbation. Who could you trust more than yourself?

  SET AND SETTING

  The terms set and setting were coined by Timothy Leary to describe factors that determine the experience of ingesting psychedelic drugs. It is useful to consider these factors because they influence the emotional content of an event, whether it is theater, long-distance running, or therapy. Set has to do with the participants’ mind-set, the internal processes that can either enhance or destroy pleasure. Setting refers to the location where the event takes place—what you see, smell, touch, hear, and feel around you.

  These factors are highly individual. If the steps I suggest don’t sound effective for you, you are the best judge of that. But at least I can give you some specific ideas that have proven their worth for me and other players. This can help you pin down your own experimental parameters. And after every session, it’s a good idea to discuss what did and didn’t work, with an eye to brainstorming new possibilities for erotic play. If you must give your partner negative feedback, express it with tenderness, and surround your misgivings with praise for what did work. Both top and bottom make themselves equally vulnerable in a session. If the only thing you can come up with is a barrage of criticism or inflated demands, the two of you are probably incompatible.

  Take a look at the space where the scene is going to happen. Do enough preparation so that the two of you can be spontaneous. Everything you are going to need should be in the room. Leave the room if you must, but be aware you are opening the oven and letting some of the heat out. When you return, you’ll need to back up a little and build up to the point you reached when the two of you broke connection.

  The room needs to be clean—well, for most fetishes. Toys ought to be organized, in good repair, and accessible. Lube and safe-sex barriers should be in clear view. Rope ought to be untangled, clean, inspected for weaknesses, and laid out so it won’t turn into a snarl the minute the top touches it. If you are going to play with locking devices, make sure there are extra keys, and that both of you know where they are.

  Think of this as foreplay. You can start getting excited by your own sexiness, and by anticipating your partner’s presence. Touching your toys and disinfecting a play surface is like caressing your own body. Your energy, sense of purpose, or consciousness starts gathering into a focus on Eros.

  Before you play, ask yourself what makes you feel alluring and powerful. (I am including bottoms here because you need your own strength. The session comes from you as much as, if not more than, from the top.) Take the time and trouble to dress up, even if you are only wearing a beautiful collar or a badass pair of boots. Get enough rest and eat a healthy meal a couple of hours before you play.

  I’m going to assume that you’ve already been educated about how to negotiate a scene, get any needed consent, choose a safeword, etc. I’m also going to assume that you know your way around the toys or equipment you will use. This is an article about pain play in general; describing every single technique is beyond my scope. Never pretend to have experience that you lack. There is honor only in being honest about this and making sure you get trained to an expert level.

  Unless you are the Ice Queen escorting your latest paramour to your frigid palace, I recommend taking the bottom into a warm room. Loose, relaxed muscles are going to accept building sensations more easily. I also suggest taking away one of your bottom’s senses, if only for a little while. Using a blindfold or gag is your first demand for control over their body. Can they let go and graciously accede to allowing you to orchestrate their experience?

  Take the time to verbally or visually remind the two of you (or your birthday party guests) who it is you are manifesting in this fantasy. In what time or place are you encountering each other? You can do a simple breathing exercise to get grou
nded in the present. Or perhaps you’ve constructed an elaborate story with chapters and verses. This provides a meaningful context for pain.

  During some sessions, the reason for the infliction of pain is elicited from the bottom while they are under duress (“You’re hurting me because I’m a dirty pig!” or “You are giving me pain to push me out of my body, so I can fly free.”) In the past, I have said that it is the top’s responsibility to determine what each action means and share that significance with the bottom. But I have come to see that finding this underlying meaning is really a joint project. It may be a conspiracy that can be verified by silently meeting each other’s eyes, or it may be a sudden revelation that has to be shouted or whispered aloud. You may find the answer in your own heart or see it emerging in the shape of your partner’s face. It can be an old friend, an enemy, or a complete surprise.

  Arousing the bottom is an important first step, unless you are playing with a rare and wonderful creature who needs pain to get aroused. Give your partner a brief massage. Highlight the genitals but don’t give them too much attention. You want to create anticipation by teasing. If the bottom has a favorite toy that already gets them going, why not begin with that. Proceed from the familiar to the unfamiliar. Bondage can be very helpful. It allows the bottom to feel contained and secure, and gives them something to pull on when things get exciting.

  I dearly love to mix sexual stimulation with gradually increasing levels of pain. I also want to keep the bottom awake and responsive, so I won’t use the same implement for too long. If I am whipping someone, I switch between implements that go “thud” and skinny, flexible tools that sting. As blood rises to the surface of the skin, it becomes more sensitive; sometimes running your fingertips or a piece of fur over the skin is exquisite, almost too much so. I also like to vary dry skin versus wet during a whipping or spanking. Generally, wet skin is more sensitive.