Kitty's Countryside Dream

by Christie Barlow

  ‘Ted, I need to know everything,’ I urged.

  I knew there was more.

  ‘Soon after Jeannie, Bea got pregnant again.’ Suddenly Ted’s voice became shaky and I watched a tear roll down his face. He wiped it away with the back of his hand. ‘There were complications and I lost them both – my wife and our baby. Words cannot describe the pain and guilt of that night.’

  ‘Guilt?’

  ‘Yes – Bea was a good person and a loving mother. I lied to her and cheated on her, and some would say I got what I deserved. The guilt began to eat away at me. Bea threw her whole life into our relationship and how did I repay her? She deserved better than me.’

  ‘But you’d already decided to save your marriage,’ I offered.

  ‘At the time yes, but I always knew one day I would go looking for Violet. I could never get her out of my system. She was always there, in here,’ he said, bringing his fist up to his chest and thumping his heart.

  ‘I was left to bring up Robin and Jeannie by myself. In all the years gone by, I’ve never had another relationship. I couldn’t face it.

  ‘Shortly after Bea died, Alice sent the most beautiful bouquet of flowers. Once the funeral arrangements had been decided I travelled over to the house to thank her personally and let them know the time of the service. I was surprised when Alice opened the door – she was holding a baby. At first, I thought she must have a visitor and I apologised for disturbing her. She told me not to be daft and invited me in. The house was cluttered with baby paraphernalia. I didn’t even know Alice had been pregnant. Bea had never mentioned it. She made me a drink and asked me to hold the baby. I asked what the baby’s name was and Alice replied Kitty.’

  Ted hesitated for a moment. ‘I can remember looking at you and thinking how much you looked like my other two children. You smiled up at me and lay in my arms, gurgling away. The resemblance was so strong that there was something inside me urging me to ask questions. Alice looked so tired and tearful. I thought it was due to the devastation of Bea’s death – I’m sure that took its toll on her – but Alice broke down and cried. She kept apologising for crying. I made a comment that most mothers felt this way after giving birth, and it was normal to feel emotional, and it was at that moment she confided in me. She told me the baby belonged to her sister Violet.’

  ‘You held me?’

  Ted nodded. ‘I did and immediately I knew there was something about you.’

  ‘What happened next?’ I urged.

  ‘I asked her where her sister was. I wanted to know for my own selfish reasons and it was then Alice told me that Violet had now moved to Canada. Not only had I lost my wife, but Violet was also gone.’

  ‘Did you say anything to my mum?’

  ‘About Violet and me?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Not at that moment. I knew you were mine; I could see it in your eyes. Even though Alice was emotional I could see how much she loved you. It didn’t matter that you weren’t biologically hers. I didn’t mean to pry but I asked her why the baby hadn’t travelled to Canada with Violet. Alice said it was a family decision, however I kind of got the impression it wasn’t Violet’s decision at all.’

  ‘It wasn’t,’ I snarled. ‘Violet was distraught when I was taken from her. How could they do that to her?’

  ‘I’m so sorry, Kitty; I can’t imagine what you must be going through.’

  ‘Why didn’t you tell them the truth? Why didn’t you tell them that you were my father? Why didn’t you want me?’

  ‘Oh, Kitty,’ he said, touching my knee. ‘You have to believe me – it wasn’t as simple as that. I’d become a widower overnight; the grief of losing my wife and bringing up two small children was the most difficult thing. I had no one to help, a farm to run and I struggled. I didn’t have a clue about running or managing a house – that had been Bea’s strength. The only comfort I had was I knew you were in the best hands. Alice and Julian loved you like their very own; you were their own, and I couldn’t take you away from them. They gave their life to you, which makes them very special people in my heart, and they would have been devastated to lose you. There wasn’t a day went by that I didn’t think about you. If I’m honest, I existed on a day-to-day basis and learnt to carry on; I learnt to cry without making a sound.’ Ted looked down at the carpet, no longer able to maintain eye contact with me.

  The two of us sat in silence, for a moment lost in our own thoughts.

  Both of us had lost special people: Violet, Alice, Julian and Bea. I understood that the circumstances had spiralled out of control but sadly my heart twisted for Violet – she had lost everyone.

  ‘Alice and Julian knew you were mine and that’s when all communication broke down between us,’ Ted continued.

  ‘How did they find out?’

  ‘They asked me to be your godfather. Alice was Jeannie’s godmother and they thought it was a kind gesture after Bea’s passing. It was then I told them; it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Alice crumbled before my eyes – she thought I was there to take you away. I promised them both I would do no such thing; I had no intention of causing anyone any trouble or pain, I just wanted to know how you were from time to time.’ Ted stood up and walked over to the old oak dresser in the corner of the room. Bending down, he retrieved an old tin box from the cupboard and sat back down next to me.

  ‘Open it,’ he said softly.

  ‘I don’t understand.’

  ‘Just open it, Kitty.’

  Lifting the lid off the old tin box, I peered inside. Thumbing through the pastel-coloured envelopes in the tin, they all had one thing in common: they were addressed to me.

  ‘I don’t understand.’

  ‘These are yours, Kitty – letters, cards I’d sent to you every Christmas and birthday. They were returned to me unopened. I didn’t want to take you away from Alice and Julian, but I did want you to know I was always thinking about you. I’ve struggled for years knowing you were out there, and when your mother died—’

  I interrupted Ted ‘How did you know Alice had died?’

  ‘Ethel contacted me.’

  I was stunned. ‘Ethel? You know where she is?’

  ‘Yes. Ethel is the most loyal friend anyone could ever wish for and she’s looked out for Violet for all these years.’

  I gasped – my head was whirling trying to take in all this information.

  ‘Where’s Ethel now? And, more to the point, where is Violet?’

  ‘Ethel lives in the village, and Violet, as far as I know, made a life for herself in Canada. She never came back.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ I queried.

  ‘She never returned, not to my knowledge anyway.’

  ‘And when Alice died?’

  ‘I went to visit the grave where she was buried next to Julian. Your father’s death was such a tragic accident and after her passing I laid some flowers on the grave with a small note thanking them for taking such wonderful care of you for all these years. They were amazing people.’

  ‘That note was from you?’ I let out a long breath, remembering the note left on the graveside.

  ‘Yes, I knew Agnes had left the Lodge to you and I knew it was only a matter of time before you came looking for answers and I knew, Kitty, that I would be here, waiting. I know I’m far from perfect but hopefully you’ll give me a chance to get to know you?’

  I nodded, happy and relieved I hadn’t been rejected. I knew the relationship would take time to build but time was on our side.

  Standing up, I said, ‘I best go now; Tom is waiting for me outside.’

  Ted nodded thoughtfully and stood up beside me. He stretched his arms out to me. ‘I’m so sorry for everything. We can’t change the past, but we can still look forward to the future.’ I fell into his arms and he hugged me tight. I sobbed. I’d hugged my father for the very first time. Now I had found my father I had a burning desire to track down Violet too.

  ‘Does someone want to tell me what the hell is going o
n here?’

  I spun around to find Jeannie, Robin, Danny and Tom standing in the doorway.

  Tom was staring at me, his eyes wide.

  I glanced at Jeannie; her face was thunderous.

  ‘I’m sorry, Kit, I didn’t know what to do,’ Tom said.

  She stared straight at me with such hatred. ‘You and my father?’

  I shook my head immediately. ‘No, it’s not what you think!’

  However, Jeannie didn’t want to listen and before anyone else could speak she pushed past everyone and ran out of the room. All we could hear were her footsteps running up the stairs followed by a slam of the bedroom door.

  ‘Jeannie?’ Ted’s voice petered out as he followed her up the stairs.

  Chapter Forty-Five

  Robin was the last person we expected to see today. Tom and I had left the farmhouse rapidly on Ted’s request. Jeannie had locked him out of her room and he’d come back downstairs. He’d touched my arm lightly and reassured me that everything was going to be all right. I had no choice but to trust him. They were his children and he wanted the chance to be honest with them now. I understood completely. Although it didn’t stop me feeling apprehensive, I didn’t want to hurt Jeannie or Robin, but I knew when Ted explained the past there was going to be anger and hurt flying about.

  Opening the front door to the flat, I found Robin standing on the doorstep with Lucinda. He raked his hand nervously through his hair and there was an awkward silence. ‘Can we come in?’ Lucinda asked.

  ‘Yes, of course, go through. Tom’s in the living room,’ I said, opening the door wide so they could filter past me. So many things had changed in my life in such a short space of time. No matter what had happened in the past I had hope – hope that Jeannie and Robin would accept me into their family and hope that they would forgive Ted for his actions as a young man. For me, Ted had suffered enough; I understood perfectly his reasons for leaving me with Alice and Julian.

  Robin was quiet and settled on the sofa, Lucinda firmly grasping his hand. He looked pale and battered and stared down at the carpet. Tom stood up and patted his shoulder. ‘I’ll put some tea in the pot,’ he offered, leaving the room.

  ‘Robin, I don’t know what to say,’ I said softly.

  I noticed Lucinda squeeze his hand and she gave me a reassuring smile.

  ‘That makes two of us,’ he said.

  He looked sad, and I felt my heart sink.

  He looked up, and our eyes met. ‘How long have you known, Kitty?’

  ‘Around twenty-four hours.’

  ‘So my father wasn’t lying about that then?’

  ‘No, he wasn’t. It’s a huge shock for all of us. I know it’s not easy for you and there are bridges that may need to be rebuilt, but Ted’s carried this burden around for a long time and he’s always put you and Jeannie first. He loves you both dearly. I know this doesn’t make it any less painful. You still have your father; I’ve just found out my parents were never my parents and I can never have a conversation with them about any of this. I don’t love them any less. In fact I may love them more; they opened up their heart and their home to me, and I never had an inkling about any of this. And as for Ted, Jeannie and you, I hope you feel the same as me.’

  ‘Which is?’ Robin asked

  ‘That I’ve gained a new family.’ I smiled warmly at him.

  Robin nodded. ‘I hope so too. I knew there was something about you. Remember when you first arrived and we were competing against each other in the chicken show? I can remember you saying something and you laughed. I was amazed how much you looked like Jeannie.’

  I smiled.

  ‘I always felt a connection between us, there was no denying that – it felt like you were the big brother I never had.’

  ‘I am the big brother you never had.’ Robin sighed then followed it up with a half smile. ‘And thank god …’ said Robin, feeling awkward.

  ‘Stop there,’ I said quickly. I couldn’t believe how close Robin and I had come to going on a date!

  Tom placed a pot of tea on the table along with some biscuits and handed Robin a bottle of beer.

  Robin nodded his appreciation towards Tom and took a swig.

  ‘New start?’ I asked hopefully.

  ‘Is it all that simple, Kitty?’

  ‘I think it is. We can’t change the past; what’s done is done. Your dad dedicated his life to you and Jeannie, and Alice and Julian did the same for me. If anything, me arriving at the Lodge has given me a new lease of life. I have a job, a home and this gorgeous man.’ I smiled at Tom. ‘And hopefully a new family that in time will accept me.’

  ‘I agree with everything that Kitty’s said,’ Lucinda added.

  Robin and Lucinda smiled at each other. Lucinda touched his knee affectionately.

  Tom smiled and raised his eyebrows at me.

  ‘Are you two together by any chance?’ he asked.

  ‘We’re getting there.’ Lucinda beamed. ‘Even though I was hoping for a quiet start to our relationship,’ she added, laughing.

  ‘Didn’t we all,’ Tom said and grinned.

  ‘I’m so glad for you both.’

  Robin smiled at us. ‘I’m glad too, and it looks like I’ve not only got myself a girlfriend but I’ve also gained another little sister.’ He stood up and stretched out his arms towards me. ‘Can I have a hug?’

  ‘You certainly can,’ I answered, feeling relieved.

  ‘Can I ask a question, Kitty?’

  ‘Yes, of course.’

  ‘What are you going to do about Violet?’

  ‘I’m going to find her, Robin. I’m going to find her.’

  Chapter Forty-Six

  The next morning I lay awake in bed next to Tom. I found myself staring up at the ceiling. It had only been twenty-four hours since I’d discovered the contents of Violet’s diary and everyone’s lives had been catapulted into disarray. There were no more entries in the diary after the last one we read. It felt like once her father had driven Violet out of the village, she’d disappeared. Her voice was no longer heard. It couldn’t be that difficult to find Violet – if Ethel was still in contact with her, surely it would be very simple? Without a shadow of a doubt I knew I wanted to find her. However, the thoughts inside my head were niggling away at me. What if Ted wouldn’t provide me with Ethel’s address? What if Ted didn’t want me to find Violet? And what if Violet didn’t want anything to do with me? These were all questions that I would discover the answers to very soon.

  ‘Are you awake?’ I heard Tom’s sleepy voice.

  ‘Yes, wide awake.’

  ‘What’s the plan of action?’

  I let out a sigh. ‘I don’t know what to do for the best.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ he asked, stroking my hair.

  ‘I want to go and see Ted again. I want him to give me Ethel’s address so I can start searching for Violet, but I have no idea how the land lies with Jeannie. What do you think I should do?’

  ‘Now there’s a question.’

  I turned my head towards Tom and he kissed me lightly on the lips.

  ‘Why don’t you give it a day or two? Let the dust settle and wait until you know what Jeannie’s feelings are. She may need a little time, and let’s not forget she’s pregnant and has just been in hospital – her emotions will be all over the place.’

  ‘I think you’re right, Tom, but it’s that feeling I want sorted and I want it sorted now.’

  ‘Yes, I felt like that too.’

  ‘What, with your ex?’

  ‘No, silly, with you!’ he joked, tickling me.

  ‘But on a serious note, Kitty, wherever Violet is, a couple of days isn’t going to make a difference. She has no idea you’ve discovered the diary or that Ted’s children finally know the truth. Let’s just hang on until we hear how Jeannie is coping with all this.’

  ‘OK, but in the meantime we best get up to the Lodge. I’ll jump in the shower and you can make breakfast.’

  Tom
pulled a sulky face. ‘You mean you don’t want company in the shower? You’re fed up with me already.’

  ‘You, my dear, can wait until later. Now go and make breakfast,’ I insisted, pushing him out of bed.

  ‘OK, OK, I know when I’m not wanted!’ he claimed, strolling out of the bedroom with a pretend hurt expression on his face.

  ‘Men,’ I shouted after him before jumping in the shower.

  * * *

  Up at the Lodge, we’d fallen behind with the workload in the last couple of days. Conker needed mucking out, the coops needed cleaning and the invoices were piled high.

  ‘No slacking today,’ Tom shouted after me as I headed towards the bottom field to feed the chickens and unleash them into the fields. I shook my head and smiled to myself. Even though this week had been traumatic, Tom made me happy; I was so glad he was there for me.

  Walking up the yard, I realised this place felt like home. Six months ago I’d never heard of it, yet now I’d truly started to have a sense of belonging. I thought back to the conversation this morning with Tom regarding Jeannie. He was right about seeing how the land lay in a couple of days’ time. Robin had taken it all in his stride. Of course he was hurt by his father’s actions, but they couldn’t be undone, and it seemed he was prepared to find a way to move forward. I was hoping Jeannie would be OK; for her it had all come at the wrong time, with the baby and her being unwell. I spotted Conker already grazing on the lush grass and then I saw a figure sitting on top of the hay bale outside the stable door. I squinted – it was Jeannie and she was staring across the fields. Even from this distance I could tell she was lost in thought and had been crying. I walked over in her direction. She looked up, startled.

  ‘Hi,’ I said.

  ‘Hi back,’ Jeannie replied, still staring across into space.

  ‘You OK?’

  ‘I’ve been better,’ she replied sadly.

  ‘Can I join you?’ I asked.

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘Are you OK?’

  ‘Honestly?’