by Dechari Cole
5. If you aren’t the one going through an immediate crisis, do you know someone who is? Can you lift him or her up in prayer? What other ways can you be supportive? Be specific!
6. Now that you know the foundation for my story, what’s yours?
Chapter 2
High School . . . and the Dating Begins
Decide what your boundaries are—and then stick to them!
The summer before my freshman year, I took Driver’s Ed up at the high school—which was a sure sign that I was growing up. (I also made the wise choice to let my perm grow out that summer, so that I looked like a normal person again!) I was leaving my childhood days behind and getting ready for a new adventure in life.
It was really exciting for me when high school finally started. I had a little more freedom, and I enjoyed getting to pick some of my classes. I was meeting new people, as well as becoming even closer to old friends. Of course, it didn’t take long for my attention to turn to the new guys I was seeing around school. Although, I’d had some “boyfriends” when I was younger, that consisted of . . . well . . . not really anything except having the title of boyfriend and girlfriend. Suddenly, I had guys asking me out to the movies, out to eat, and just to hang out. I was moving up in the world, and I didn’t mind being a little fish in a big pond. I was ready to swim!
That Little Voice: Learning to Listen to the Holy Spirit
Your initial gut feeling is usually right. That hesitation may be the Holy Spirit whispering to you.
When faced with a decision, ask yourself how it compares to God’s Word. For example, God wouldn’t want you to be too intimate with your boyfriend because He says you should flee sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18).
If you’re hiding something, then it’s probably wrong. God wants you to be a light in this world, not hide your actions in the darkness.
Work at pleasing God instead of your peers. Continually pray for His guidance, and then listen and watch for Him to show you what to do.
About a week or two after school started, a freshman guy approached me in the hall. He had blond hair, blue eyes, and was really cute! He asked if I would like to come to a party he was having. I remember thinking that this was probably not the kind of party I would feel good about going to. Don’t get me wrong—I love to have fun. If people think Christians don’t have fun, they are sorely mistaken. But I just didn’t feel right about this party. Remember, God gives us the Holy Spirit to help us discern things. I kind of made a comment about how I didn’t really “party.” He said, “Okay,” and went on to class.
I didn’t realize it then, but I was already choosing the path I would take. By just saying no to that one person, I was saying no to a lifestyle and a group of friends that would not have been the best for me. Later, I heard that he did drugs and drank alcohol. And while he never asked me to another party, he was still nice to me. Just because you don’t do things that others may do, doesn’t always mean that they’ll make fun of you. I didn’t put him down, and he didn’t put me down. We just believed in different things.
Since “party guy” wasn’t on my list of potential dates, I continued to keep my eyes open. My friends introduced me to two guys in particular. Both were freshman, and both wanted to get to know me. And while both seemed nice, one was a little more outgoing and “cool.” The other was a little more love-struck and slightly shy. I decided to date the “cool” guy. His name was Justin.
Justin and I were going to go to the movies for our first date. I really hadn’t been on a date before, so I asked some mutual friends to come along. (I think this also helped my mom agree to the date!) Being in a group helped take a little of the pressure off. It also gave me a chance to see how he acted with his friends and mine. Unfortunately, we didn’t stick to the group dates. We ended up going to the movies more often and hanging out at his house by ourselves. (Just so you know—this was not a good idea.)
Justin gave me my first kiss; I think it was on our second date. In a way, I was flattered, but I had just met this guy not that long ago. Why was I kissing him before I had true, deep feelings for him? At the time, I thought that was just part of having a relationship. However, it didn’t take long for me to realize the temptations there are in having a relationship.
Since I had already chosen to stay pure, I knew that there were boundaries I would not cross. I think, though, that guys struggle with this type of temptation even more than girls. It was a long time before I truly realized how much of an effect a girl can have on a guy. I had always heard youth leaders say how girls need to be careful about the way we dress, so as not to be a temptation, but I had never thought much about it. I wasn’t trying to be a temptation; I just dressed in what I thought was cute. Of course, as girls, we do like attention and for people to think we’re pretty. But for guys, it can be a really big struggle to be around a girl in short shorts, for example, especially in a setting with no one else around.
I started feeling uncomfortable with Justin wanting to kiss as much as we did. It was the same feeling I had with “party guy.” I knew it wasn’t what I should be doing, and honestly I enjoyed our time doing activities together better. I finally told Justin that I wanted to take a step back, to just enjoy hanging out together and not kiss for a while. But it wasn’t long before I realized that Justin didn’t want to just hang out or get to know me better. He was looking for something more physical. When I stood up for my beliefs, he eventually cheated on me with another girl. You’d think I would have been angry and hurt, but honestly I counted it as a blessing and a big wake-up call. I had learned that there should be more to dating than just kissing. I wasn’t going to give up on having a boyfriend—I just knew I needed a better one.
What I Learned
If all a boy wants to do is kiss you, he’s not really interested in you.
I say then, walk by the Spirit and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. (Galatians 5:16)
Girl Talk
1. Have you ever heard that little voice inside you whisper, “Don’t do that”? That’s God, trying to guide you away from harm. If I hadn’t paid attention to His Spirit telling me to avoid the party scene, or that my relationship with Justin wasn’t right, then my freshman year would have looked a lot different. You’ll have to make lots of choices in life. Will you listen to God’s voice? Or ignore it because you don’t want to “miss out”?
2. Check out these verses about the Holy Spirit: Romans 8:26–27, Galatians 5:16–25, John 14:15–18, Acts 4:31, and 1 Corinthians 2:10–16. What do these verses tell you about the Holy Spirit leading you and how you can learn from Him? Can you find other verses?
3. Do you think things would have been different for Justin and me if we had stuck with the group dates and activities? Do you put yourself in situations where it would be easy to get physical with your boyfriend?
4. Do you know where you stand on being physical in a relationship? Set some boundaries for yourself, and write them down. It’s much easier to stick to a decision you’ve already made.
5. We can’t just blame guys for their struggles with intimacy. If we truly care about the guys around us, we should try to make their struggles easier instead of harder. How can you help protect the purity of the guys around you?
6. My friend’s father once told her, “You have a choice: Do you want to be liked now or respected forever?” What’s your answer? Will you go with the flow? Or stand up for what you believe?
Chapter 3
You Can Have Fun . . . with God?
Good friends can keep you on the right path.
Well, since things didn’t work out with Justin, I decided to focus on making friends and getting to know people—while still keeping an eye out for that special someone. Actually, the other guy I mentioned—the one I chose not to date—ended up becoming a good friend. His name was Jason. We had P.E. together, and it was there that we got to know each oth
er better. He still wanted to date me, but I decided we made better friends.
One day, my friend Carol Ann and I ended up meeting some guys on the school bus, and they invited us to come to their church. Their youth group was getting ready to go on a mission trip of sorts to do some skits at a few churches and then go to an amusement park. That sounded fun. Even though Carol Ann and I both went to church, we weren’t really involved in the youth groups. So, we visited their church one Wednesday night to see what it was all about and if we wanted to go on this Christian drama tour.
As Carol Ann and I walked into the church, this very outgoing—and slightly crazy—man ran over to say hello. He took my hand as if he were going to kiss it, but then kissed his own instead! It made me laugh, but also made me wonder, Who is this guy?! He later walked up on stage, and I realized he was the pastor!
As the evening got started, I was amazed. I had never seen a group of people this excited about being together and praising God. And also . . . it was fun! It wasn’t at all solemn the way church had sometimes felt to me in the past. There was still awe and reverence for God, but there was also a great joy in their worship. Somehow I had been missing the fact that you can have fun with God.
Somehow I had been missing the fact that you can have fun with God.
After that first night, Carol Ann and I were hooked. I was learning to see the joy in my salvation and in what God was doing in my life—and I got to celebrate it every week with other believers. I invited Jason as well as another great friend, Kristy, and several others to come to the church and to go on the drama tour. Turns out, this was to be to the beginning of a great group of Christian friends.
Over the next few weeks and months, I learned how to praise God with a joyful heart. I looked forward to going to church—it refreshed me and helped me make it through the rest of the week. I also became really close to the people in youth group. At least ten of them went to my school and eight were in my freshman class. It was great to have friends who loved God and who were by my side at school. They held me accountable and helped keep me out of trouble and on a good path. Believe me, if I had done anything, one of them would have known! And besides, I was having fun—without having to get drunk, be promiscuous, or do drugs.
My friends and I went to youth rallies, where I first heard upbeat Christian music and speakers who talked about things that were important to us as teens. Jason and Kristy even got saved at one of those rallies! Then I thought, What if Carol Ann or I had never invited them to church or the youth rallies? I realized then how important it was to share my faith, so I started telling anyone I got close to at school about how much I loved church and inviting them to come too. I knew how awesome it was to live for God, and I wanted others to have that joy too.
After Jason got saved, we became even closer friends. He became someone I could count on to lift me up if I were feeling down. He always made me laugh—whether I wanted to or not. And Carol Ann was there as my best girlfriend, always ready to listen and give me godly advice. I could count on her for anything. I also had friends who knew a lot about the Bible, who could help me better understand it. Other friends had amazing talents—like singing and playing instruments—and they used those talents for God. These were the kind of friends that God was giving me. They helped me, and I hope I helped them.
In life, you really need a good support team. People who love you for who you are, and who will be there through your highs and lows, to give advice and prayer, to give an outside point of view, and to just live life together with. Friends can either lift you up or pull you down. So choose your close friends carefully, because they are a huge part of shaping the person you’ll be in the future.
What I Learned
Nothing shapes you more than who and what you surround yourself with. So choose wisely—good friends will lift you up and push you toward God.
Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. (Proverbs 27:17)
Girl Talk
1. Nehemiah 8:10 tells us that our strength is in the joy of the Lord. Spending time worshiping God and having good, clean fun with other Christians filled my spirit and got me through the week with joy. Have you learned to have fun with God? How so, or why not?
2. Are you surrounding yourself with good Christian friends? What can you do to build up a good support group who will sharpen you and bring you closer to God? How can you sharpen others in their faith?
3. It’s important to have godly people for your closest friends, but you also need to share Jesus with others. How can you do both? Here’s a tip: take a look at Jesus’ life. He reached out to sinners, but He also spent a lot of time with His closest disciples. What might that look like in your life?
4. Are you inviting your non-Christian friends and classmates to church or telling them about God? If you don’t, who will? TV? Magazines? Music? Definitely not! Pray that God will open up opportunities for you to share Him with others. It can be as easy as telling them about the great things God has done for you, or how He has comforted you in hard times.
5. You share with your friends when you have good news, right? So why do you think people are so hesitant to share the Good News of Jesus? Why are you?
Chapter 4
Superficial
True love isn’t just skin deep.
I was really blessed with the friendships I formed in high school, and I enjoyed the time I spent with those friends. But I still found myself looking for that one guy who would make me feel special. As I kept my eyes open for that special someone, one guy caught my eye. He was a friend of my friend Josh. Josh and I had gone to elementary school together and were fairly close. So, I thought, a guy who’s cute and a friend of someone I know. This could be good. I decided to make the extra effort to talk to Josh when this guy was around.
Everything worked as planned, and Josh introduced me to Brad. I’m sure that my flirty eyes and smile gave away the fact that I thought Brad was cute. Though I wasn’t sure at the time what impression I had made, Josh told me later that Brad thought I was really pretty. Cool! Two people with a mutual attraction can’t be a bad start, right? Josh passed on the initial messages between Brad and me, that we were interested in each other. I know, a little elementary school, but who cares? I got the guy.
Brad and I decided to go to the school’s upcoming dance together. The dance was close to Valentine’s Day, and I expected it to be so romantic. It was also my first real dance. I spent hours doing my hair and makeup, only to keep going back to the mirror to make sure I still looked okay.
Brad came to the door to pick me up, and my mom grabbed the camera. Even my little sister pulled me aside to say how cute she thought Brad was. After the pictures, Brad’s parents drove us to the school and dropped us off. We spent the first hour socializing with other friends and getting more pictures taken. So far it was a lot of fun . . . then came the time to actually dance!
I was a little intimidated at first as Brad and I made our way out on the dance floor. My heart was racing as I stepped close to him and started to raise my arms above his shoulders. But wait! Do I put my hands on top of his shoulders or drape them over his back? Do I touch his neck? Interlock my fingers? Where should my hands go?! I could tell he was probably thinking the same thing about his hands. Well, wherever our hands landed, we did start to dance, swaying as our feet lightly lifted right then left. Brad was so cute, and being so close made my blood pressure rise. I did try once or twice to look him in the eye, but—whoa!—that was uncomfortable. Less eye contact was definitely easier. After swaying a while, we actually started to move in a small circle. Yeah, maybe not the most romantic, sweep-you-off-your-feet dance of all time, but still pretty wonderful.
After the dance, we went back to Brad’s house with some friends to watch a movie. I sat next to Brad, of course. We smiled at each other now and then, but it seemed like we had more to say to other people than to each other. It wasn’t that I
didn’t want to talk to Brad, but I couldn’t seem to carry on a good conversation with him. Once the movie started, it relieved the pressure of having to talk very much. The night ended with Brad’s parents driving me home and him walking me to the door. I don’t remember exactly how he said goodnight, but I do know his parents were watching. So if I got a kiss, it was most definitely the quickest peck you’ve ever seen.
After the dance, when Valentine’s Day actually came around, Brad and I were supposed to get each other something. But what do you get for a cute guy you’ve just started seeing? I was clueless. I couldn’t get a guy a stuffed animal, and the heart-shaped box of chocolates didn’t seem right either. Where were the “I think you’re cute” presents? In the end, I made my own set of chocolates that said “I [[heart symbol]] U.” It was so awkward! All I remember is Josh standing across the hall, telling Brad that I tried.
Shortly after Valentine’s Day had passed (thank goodness), I would see Brad here and there between classes, hanging out and laughing with his friends. He played hackie sack with them a lot and talked about different outdoor activities, like rock climbing. That was the stuff that Brad was all about. I started to realize that we didn’t have much in common or much to talk about. And we definitely didn’t laugh and have fun like he did with his friends—or like I did with mine. That initial attraction was still there, but it didn’t seem to matter so much anymore. Having a cute boyfriend was no longer enough, and I began to see that this relationship was only skin deep. It was . . . superficial.
Having a cute boyfriend was no longer enough.
It didn’t take long for us both to realize the same thing. I don’t even remember how the relationship officially ended—it was that smooth of a break-up. Most likely Josh relayed those messages too! Brad was a good guy, but he just wasn’t the guy for me. Because of the way our relationship had been, though, it was easy to transition to just being friends. We had no hard feelings, no broken hearts, and no regrets. Honestly, a big part of that was because we were never physical in our relationship. We were never even in a position to kiss, because we were always hanging out at school or with groups of people. And you know . . . it was really nice that way.
