by Dechari Cole
I never regretted dating Brad. It actually helped me realize more about what I needed in a relationship. I needed someone I could have fun with and relate to. And I needed something deeper than that initial, superficial attraction, because a crush is short-lived.
I also began to understand why so many relationships come to an abrupt end. I think people often do what I did—look only at the outward things like a person’s appearance, how they dress, money, physical attraction, their influence, or social status. Take, for example, the cutest guy in your school. There’s always at least one who stands out as drop-dead gorgeous. He’s usually an athlete of some sort who looks great and dresses well. Everyone wants to be his friend. Well, what if that guy asked you out? Your heart would race, your face would flush, and you would totally say yes, right? It’s just human nature, but it’s also superficial if that’s all you have. Relationships based on superficial things will be short-lived.
I was glad that I didn’t let my crush on Brad go on too long. Thankfully, we realized our differences early on. By hanging out in our normal surroundings of friends and school, it was easier to see that we weren’t compatible. I think if Brad and I had been more physical, then we probably would have stayed together longer—but for the wrong reasons. I know it would have made the break-up so much harder when those romantic feelings faded and we found there was nothing more. Instead, I was thankful that we got to know each other the way we did. I was able to easily go on with my life, unhurt, and continue my search for the perfect guy.
What I Learned
While appearances can be pleasing to the eye, beauty alone gets boring after a while.
Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord will be praised. (Proverbs 31:30)
Girl Talk
1. If you are currently in a relationship, what is keeping you in it? Is it just physical attraction? The attention? How can you make sure it’s not superficial?
2. What’s a healthy approach for getting to know someone, so that if it doesn’t work out you’re not left with a broken heart or regrets?
3. Not speaking just romantically, but in general, do you feel that you give people a chance? Do you try to get to know them no matter what their appearance is? Are there people who have surprised you once you got to know them—both good and bad?
4. Are you more than your appearance? Of course, you are! So what are you doing to work on your inward beauty as well as your outward beauty?
Chapter 5
Learning to Steer on My Own
With freedom comes responsibility.
Well, Justin and Brad took up most of my freshman year. Soon, I was a sophomore and no longer the new kid on the block. I was still active in church and close to my same group of friends, but this year I would get to know a whole new group of friends. This was the year I would broaden my horizons and get to know a group of juniors. And that was definitely going to change things.
My P.E. coach that year was also the head of Fellowship of Christian Athletes (FCA). One day, he mentioned to me that several students got together in the mornings before school to have a short Bible study and to pray. Carol Ann, Kristy, and I decided to give it a try, and we ended up going pretty much every day. Talking about God and praying with our classmates became a really nice way to start the day—and helped make the not-so-great days a little more bearable. A few different students took turns leading the lesson, but there was one guy who did it most of the time. He was a junior named Chris.
I got to know Chris as a friend and would often say hi in the halls. This, of course, gave me the opportunity to meet some of his other junior friends. And just so you know, even though I probably had boys on my mind half of the time, this was not the reason I was saying hi to Chris. However, I couldn’t help but notice that Chris had several cute friends. They were a fun, outgoing crowd, and I enjoyed hanging out with them between classes. They ended up calling me by my last name, “Moose”—a nickname that stuck throughout high school. I didn’t mind, though; it was their way of saying I was part of the group. And it was kind of funny. “Moose” makes you picture some big football player, but no, it was just little ole me.
As I got to know this group of guys, I found out that practically all of them worked at the grocery store about a quarter of a mile from my house. My mom and I talked about how it could be a good thing if I got a part-time job there too. I was sixteen, but without a car. Since the store was within walking distance, though, it was no big deal. Plus, the extra shopping money sounded great, and I would be working with friends. I applied and was hired. I had my first job!
So now I was working for a living in addition to going to school. Okay, maybe I wasn’t working for a living, but I was working. With my new job, I had more responsibilities, and it was a great time to grow and decide what kind of person I was going to be. Of course, that’s not exactly what I was thinking at the time. My thinking was more along the lines of “I like paychecks!” Nevertheless, I did think about what kind of employee I wanted to be. It had always frustrated me in the past when I saw employees who acted as if they hated being at work. I decided to be the opposite. As a cashier, I tried to be extra friendly to the customers and let them know I was happy to see them. It made my customers happy and made my job more enjoyable too. I leaned on God every day to help me, because He knew there were some days I didn’t feel like smiling.
So . . . good attitude? Check. Now on to the being responsible part. I had to make sure I wasn’t late for work. With my friends, I was known for being fashionably ten minutes late, but that wouldn’t cut it in the work world. I needed to plan my time so that didn’t happen, as well as juggle time between friends, church, and homework. As I ran from one thing to another, my mom allowed me to become more and more responsible for myself, my actions, and my time. I was steering my own life in a lot of ways now . . . well . . . minus the actual car.
I continued to work hard and have a good attitude toward the customers and other employees. Soon, the store manager took notice. He asked me what I thought about working in the office, helping him and the assistance manager count the money drawers. I was a little shocked, but also honored. The office was where all the money and important papers were kept, and regular employees weren’t allowed up there. I knew that this meant he trusted me.
I began to see that trust is key to having meaningful relationships.
I was learning that trust is a big thing—not only at work, but in all of my relationships. It was important for my mom to trust me; otherwise, she wouldn’t let me go and do as much as I did. It was important that my friends trust me, or else they wouldn’t feel safe sharing their lives and troubles with me. I began to see that trust is key to having meaningful relationships. I wanted to be someone people could count on, and I knew that I wanted that in my future husband too. I wanted someone who would be faithful, who would keep God in our relationship, and who would lift me up, not pull me down. Ultimately, I wanted a guy I could trust with my heart. I hadn’t found him yet, but I hoped to one day.
Because I helped close the store several nights a week, I ended up walking home in the dark. The other employees on my shift quickly noticed, and several of them were kind enough to offer me rides home. One night, I rode with Chris’ best friend, Coleson. I had caught Coleson looking at me a few times, but he would always smile shyly and turn away. After a few rides home and a little bit of flirting at the store, Coleson asked me to be his girlfriend. I smiled and said yes. Some pretty big things were going on so far in my sophomore year. I had gotten a job, a boyfriend, and was probably out more than I was home. Oh, and since Coleson was a junior, I might even get to go to prom!
What I Learned
If you put forth minimal effort, you’ll get minimal results.
Whatever you do, do it enthusiastically, as something done for the Lord and not for men, knowing that you will receive the reward of an inheritance from
the Lord. You serve the Lord Christ. (Colossians 3:23–24)
Girl Talk
1. Are you starting your day by talking to God? What difference do you see in your mood and how you react to things when you’ve spent time with God versus those days you hurry on without Him?
2. In my new job, I made a decision to be a joyful worker. Are you deciding to have joy in whatever you do, whether it’s work, class, sports, or even just being around your family? In what areas do you need to lean on God’s strength for joy?
3. Even if you don’t realize it, people are watching you. So how can you live your life differently so that your actions and attitude point others to Jesus?
4. How does it change your thinking when you realize you should be doing everything as if you’re doing it for God and not for other people or even yourself? Do you believe God can use you in whatever you do?
Chapter 6
Danger! Stay Back
Living on the edge is where it’s easiest to slip.
I was really enjoying my new relationship with Coleson. It was such a great feeling to have someone who waited for me after school, who smiled at me while I worked, who called to say hello just because he missed talking to me. Yes, my friends gave me similar attention, but this was different. This was affection. This was someone I wanted to have an even deeper relationship with, and we were off to a good start: He was a Christian. We saw each other at work and school. His parents were really nice—even though his dad did watch us like a hawk. I got along well with his friends, and he at least knew my friends and was nice to them. I was feeling really good about everything.
This was definitely a more serious relationship for me, especially compared to my crush with Brad. I felt like I had a true boyfriend, and I was ready to put in the effort to make this relationship last. With that, I found myself changing certain things. I would go through several different outfits before going out, and I checked my hair and makeup often. It wasn’t unusual for me to try to look nice, but I was definitely making an extra effort. More than that, I caught myself listening to his kind of music, hanging out with his friends, and even going to his church—even though I liked mine better. I wanted to be the perfect girlfriend.
Coleson and I spent a lot of time together. If we didn’t have somewhere to be, we tended to hang out at his house. It was hard to hang out at mine, because my sister and mom were usually around. Also, our place was really small, so it was difficult for just the two of us to talk. One evening when we were hanging out at Coleson’s, he leaned in for a kiss. It felt right, so I leaned in as well. When he kissed me, it didn’t feel uncomfortable like it had with Justin. That was our first kiss, and it definitely wouldn’t be the last. In fact, the longer I was with Coleson, the more typical it was for us to spend time kissing. Kissing wasn’t the only thing we did like it had been in my relationship with Justin; however, we should not have been as passionate as we were. I mean, where was this going? I was too young for marriage, and I definitely wasn’t ready to have a baby. So, I probably needed to cool it.
Well, hanging out at Coleson’s house only seemed to be okay every once in a while. (You know, his dad had those hawk eyes—which was probably a good thing!) It didn’t matter, though, because Coleson had a car, and we were always going somewhere. However, the car was also the perfect place to get that long kiss goodnight or a kiss in between going places. Okay, essentially, it was the perfect make-out spot. There, I said it. One of my biggest struggles—aside from the obvious one of being alone at his house—was being in a parked car with Coleson. I admit, having him pick me up and open the car door for me seemed so gentlemanly. On the other hand, the car gave us the opportunity to get physical. I was pushing my boundaries and getting closer and closer to that edge.
Now, I grew up in the mountains of North Carolina, so I was very familiar with looking over the edge of a cliff and thinking, “That’s a scary drop I’d never want to take.” One of the most popular mountain peaks around is Grandfather Mountain—its ridges look like the profile of an old mountain man’s face. Grandfather is famous for its mile-high swinging bridge that connects two of the peaks. My friend Kristy and I once walked across that shaky bridge, but that wasn’t what frightened me the most. The most frightening part was on the other side, where the mountain peak consisted mainly of uneven rocks and cliffs—with no guardrail! While Kristy wanted to climb around, all I could think was, You’re crazy to get so close to the edge. What if you fall?
At least one person has died by getting too close to the edge of Grandfather Mountain and falling. At the Grand Canyon, there is at least one death a year from someone getting too close to the edge. There are warnings and signs posted that say “Danger! Stay back!” But some people ignore them. They think they know what they’re doing. Of course, people don’t plan to fall; it’s just that they get so close to the edge that they slip.
I don’t want you to slip and fall. Let my struggles be a warning sign to you. Nothing good comes from being that physical before marriage. I think of the story of David and Bathsheba in 2 Samuel 11–12. To make a long story short, David saw a beautiful woman, asked her over, went too far, got her pregnant, tried to cover it up by having her husband killed, displeased God, and lost the baby.
People don’t plan to fall; it’s just that they get so close to the edge that they slip.
I think back to David’s story and about what he should have done differently. Well, he definitely shouldn’t have invited a married woman over to hang out. Before that, though, he shouldn’t have kept watching her with lustful eyes. But even though David messed up big time, God didn’t leave him. He still loved David and gave him another son, Solomon. Jesus later warned His disciples to “Stay awake and pray, so that you won’t enter into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak” (Matthew 26:41). That’s good advice for all of us. God gives us good brains to know better, and He even gives us the Holy Spirit to guide us away from and out of trouble.
Coleson and I didn’t go any farther than kissing (thank goodness), but it still wasn’t a good idea to put ourselves in tempting situations. As girls, we usually know what situations to avoid so that we can lessen temptations. For example, if you spend too much money shopping, then you shouldn’t hang out at the mall. If you don’t want to be tempted to drink or do drugs, then you shouldn’t become close friends with people who drink or do drugs. In the same way, if you don’t want to go too far physically, you shouldn’t be alone with a guy. That may sound a little extreme, but it’s the truth. There are tons of places where you can spend time together without interruption, but still have people around you. Having other people around will help you keep your boundaries.
I can look back now and see that there were some ways I could have stayed farther away from the edge. Coleson and I shouldn’t have been hanging out at a house without parents around. There were plenty of places in the mall or at coffee shops for us to spend time “alone” together. As for the car, I could have limited the temptation by having a plan for where we were going and being on time getting there. No driving around just to be driving. Then, when leaving for home, I could have called my mom to let her know I was on my way. That way I had accountability to get home and not stop off somewhere. If I still felt like I had to have that kiss goodnight, I should have let Coleson walk me to the door like a gentleman. Even in the movies, the kiss at the door doesn’t usually go on forever. I know if I had gotten Coleson to kiss me at the door, it definitely wouldn’t have lasted long with my mom watching out the window!
What I Learned
The farther you stay away from the edge, the less likely you’ll be to go over.
So, whoever thinks he stands must be careful not to fall. No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to humanity. God is faithful, and He will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation He will also provide a way of escape so that you are able to bear it. (1 Cori
nthians 10:12–13)
Tips to Avoid Dating Danger
Write down your commitment to stay pure. Share it with your parents and friends, telling them why it’s important to you to wait.
Have a plan to protect your purity and make sure the guy agrees to it. (For example: We will not be in a room by ourselves behind a closed door.)
Groups are great! You have automatic accountability plus a better balance in your relationships.
Spend time doing activities that build your friendship. Romance comes and goes, but friendship is a great foundation.
Girl Talk
1. What do you think about the way I changed some of my habits because I was trying to impress the guy I was dating? Have you done the same?
2. What do you think my focus was during this time in my life? Did my life seem out of balance? What’s your focus right now? Does everything revolve around one thing (that isn’t God)? Or is your life balanced with other people and things?
3. Do you know where the edge is? Try this: instead of asking how far you can go and stay pure, ask yourself how far you can go and stay holy. What’s your answer?
4. Can you think of ways to prevent or lessen those temptations that come up in your life? Are there friends who will keep you accountable?
