by Dechari Cole
But Brandon kept asking. Being the people pleaser I was, combined with my slight weakness for guys, I finally said okay. What could it hurt to hang out one time? And I was sure it would only be one time. You see, Brandon was kind of a “bad boy” and a partier. I even wondered why he’d want to be around a person like me. I didn’t drink. I didn’t have sex. I didn’t party—at least not the kind he probably did. I figured Brandon just didn’t really know me. Well, he was about to see I was a different kind of girl. My plan was to go out with him once, let him figure out that I’m not his type, and then he’d leave me alone.
Well, Brandon picked me up, and I honestly don’t remember much about the beginning of the date. The part that vividly stands out is when Brandon took me back to his parents’ (and my bosses’!) house. Oh, he was still living at home! I hadn’t realized that and therefore hadn’t thought this part through. Mike and Mary definitely didn’t know I was going out with Brandon that night. I’m pretty sure they were quite surprised to see me, but were very gracious. Still, I think I turned two shades redder when I said hello.
Brandon and I chatted as he showed me around the house. As we made our way downstairs, he stopped in a room where it was just the two of us and took a seat on the couch. He invited me to sit with him to talk. Yeah, right. I knew where this kind of atmosphere led, and I saw how Brandon was looking at me. Time to put “Operation Good Girl” into motion. I sat down, turned to Brandon, and quickly blurted out, “I think there are some things that you should know about me. Just so you know . . . I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, I don’t party, and I am waiting until I get married before I have sex.”
There, I said it. I dropped the bomb and waited for the date to explode. There was a moment of silence as I waited for him say, “Well, it was nice meeting you” and then take me home. But he didn’t. I may have shocked him a little with my honesty and forwardness, but he seemed kind of pleased. Now I was shocked. He said okay, and we continued on with a casual conversation without the pressure of him making any moves on me.
Surprisingly, Brandon and I continued to hang out now and again after that night. We weren’t really boyfriend and girlfriend. It was a kind of casual dating, I guess. Deep down, I think we both knew that we weren’t truly compatible. Yet, I was intrigued by the way he reacted to my “bombshell,” and he was intrigued by the fact that I said it.
Maybe Brandon had done some not so great things in his life, but he was a gentleman when I was around. A tall, handsome, gentleman with muscles. Most of all, he seemed to really respect me. The interesting dynamics of our “relationship” continued throughout my freshman year. But no matter how he acted around me, I could sense he wasn’t fully ready to give up the secret lifestyle he kept hidden from me. It wasn’t up to me to change him, though. I couldn’t anyway—I had learned that from Evan. God had to be the One to change Brandon’s heart and lifestyle, so that meant I couldn’t really let myself get too close. However, it was cool how God used our relationship to open both our eyes. Before Brandon, I figured the cool, good-looking, popular guys only liked girls who were mysterious, promiscuous, and partiers—like the girls in the movies. And I think Brandon learned that those weren’t the only kind of girls to choose from. Man, had we both been sold a lie!
You can be a “good girl” and still be cool, sweet, and fun.
Later, Mary (Brandon’s mom) told me that I had totally changed Brandon’s outlook on women. She explained that he had never met anyone like me before—someone who had values and beliefs and was willing to stick to them. That you can be a “good girl” and still be cool, sweet, and fun. He had mostly met girls who tried to be what they thought he wanted and who compromised themselves to get affection. Mary said Brandon started looking for a different type of woman—one more like me. Wow! I never thought I could make that kind of an impact. It was so encouraging to know that the world’s view of how a woman should be in a relationship was wrong. Guys do want a good girl!
So why is Hollywood selling us this cheap version of what we and our relationships should look like? More important, Why are we buying it? Why are we settling for a knock-off when we can have the real thing? Check out the Proverbs 31 description of a woman. Where is she in the media? All I see is a cookie-cutter mold of what we are told we should be—slender (even to the point of being unhealthy), tall, big busted, sexy, a little provocative to lure in the men, somewhat of a tease, a bit wild even if that means doing illegal or dangerous things . . . oh, and don’t forget the flawless, airbrushed skin! A woman’s worth in the media is mostly based on her looks and sexuality. Thankfully, God calls us to be much more than that!
God calls us to be a different kind of girl. He doesn’t want us to be imitators of the world, but imitators of Christ (Ephesians 5:1–5). Don’t sell yourself short and become a knock-off version of who you really are. Be the real deal—the girl God created you to be! That’s what Brandon saw in me. I didn’t compromise my morals to get attention. I didn’t try to be with the in-crowd by drinking. I definitely wasn’t a perfect representation by any means, but He did get to see Christ in me. I think that’s what truly made me beautiful to him—my heart for following Jesus.
I was so happy to know that who I was in Christ was what mattered most, and that I didn’t have to change that to get a guy. I knew not everyone would appreciate my morals like Brandon did, but I had learned that most guys do want a good girl—whether they realize it yet or not. I was still on my search for the real deal—and I knew I wasn’t going to settle for the Hollywood version of a relationship. I knew I wanted more—and the first step to getting it was to be that girl who wasn’t afraid to be different.
What I Learned
A woman of high morals is a rare find. So be that diamond that shines in a rough world, for you will be treasured.
Who can find a capable [virtuous] wife? She is far more precious than jewels. (Proverbs 31:10)
Girl Talk
1. Were you thinking the same thing I was? That as soon as I listed all the things I wasn’t going to do, that the good-looking guy would run the other way. But he didn’t. What do you think about that? What would that say about the guy if he did run the other way?
2. Which guy do you want to be with—the one who respects and cherishes your God-given standards or the one who wants you to compromise them? What about your friends? Are you hanging out with people who only like you when you’re following the crowd, or are you hanging out with friends who like you for who you are and encourage you to stay strong in your faith?
3. So why do you think being the “good girl” is so often made out to be a bad thing?
4. Read Proverbs 31:10–31. Using your own words, what characteristics stand out to you about this type of woman? Why do you think we rarely see her modeled in media? What kind of woman do you want to be?
5. What’s the biggest lesson you learned from this chapter?
Chapter 22
Not So Innocent
Hey, princess . . . don’t eat that apple!
Casually dating Brandon had been fun, and it sparked a new phase of dating for me. I figured out I could have the benefits of someone’s attention without feeling a lot of pressure or commitment. On top of this, I recalled my dad’s words about his college glory days and how a week didn’t go by without several dates. Funny how I hung onto that image . . . yet, I forgot how my dad’s relationships had twice ended in divorce. Well, all I knew at the time was that several guys were interested in me, and the casual dating scene would allow me to see all of them. Hey, if guys wanted to take me out to the movies or a nice dinner, why not? It didn’t even matter that I had no interest in some of them. I mean, it was just casual, right? Yep, I was feeling pretty good about myself. (See any warning signs? Maybe one about how pride comes before a fall?)
So, in addition to Brandon, there were three other guys who had my attention that freshman year. One was Steven. We had reconnected m
y senior year after he broke up with his girlfriend. However, he was now off at a different college, and the distance between us was greater than ever. We mostly connected in the computer lab, messaging back and forth when I was supposed to be doing homework. We talked and flirted online in ways that we wouldn’t have in person. I hoped that meant we were getting back together. But the flirting online gave me a false sense of intimacy, because we never once picked up the phone to really talk. Then one day I got a message I didn’t like: he was back with his girlfriend. Stink!
The news from Steven was softened, however, by the fact that there were other guys around to occupy my time. One of those guys was a friend of Coleson’s named Daniel. He was two years older than me, but he was also cute and sweet and humble and romantic! He sent flowers and notes . . . and I felt like putty around him. I was overwhelmed by the fact that this really great Christian guy would even be interested in me. And I was kind of in love with the idea of love. The problem was that Daniel would talk about his ex-girlfriend—a lot. (Hmm, sounds familiar. Didn’t this happen with Coleson?) Yep, Daniel was still in love with her. In fact, he later ended up marrying her!
Now the last guy to catch my attention that year was Brent. I almost don’t like to think that I ever went out with Brent, but I also don’t want to leave out part of the story . . . even if it’s not the best part. Brent came into the car dealership to do an audit. He was sort of good-looking, but he seemed to think he was really hot stuff and that everyone should be in awe of him. Well, I wasn’t impressed. On the other hand, the other ladies in the office were. And when they discovered he wanted to ask me out, the pressure was on. “What could it hurt to just go out to dinner?” they said. Then I got a delivery of flowers. This guy was pulling out all the stops! So I caved . . . again.
Brent took me to a really nice restaurant in a really nice car. He seemed to have money, or at least flaunted it like he did. He was also older than me—I was nineteen at the time, and I thought he was in his later twenties. Well, dinner was delicious and the company was fine, so no harm done, I thought. Brent lived two hours away and was only in town for the audit, so I didn’t plan to see him anymore. Yet somehow, there he was, back at the dealership, and asking me out again. With my casual dating attitude, I thought, Why not? Why not let this guy take me out to nice places if he really wants to? And he did . . . nice restaurants and movies and even the theater.
Then, one weekend we decided to go to an amusement park. Brent suggested that I drive up the night before and stay at his apartment—so that I wouldn’t have to get up and drive so crazy early in the morning. I was a bit hesitant, but he had roommates, so it wouldn’t be just us, and it would help with my drive. So I convinced myself it wouldn’t be a big deal. Unfortunately, he did try to put the moves on me that night—and he was hoping for more than a kiss. What had I gotten myself into? I pretended to be really sleepy and ignored his “moves.” Looking back, I think he knew I was young and naïve, and he was after my innocence.
I later found out that Brent was much older than he’d led me to believe. Talk about a wolf in sheep’s clothing! He had deceived me, and I was disgusted—not just at him, but at myself. I was going out with a guy I didn’t care about just for the fun and attention, and I was making very poor choices. Brent was a really strong guy, and he could have taken advantage of me if he had chosen to do so. Oh, I still thank God for protecting me from what could have been an even more awful situation. I felt so stupid for thinking what I was doing was innocent. I also realized that I hadn’t been listening to my Christian friends during this time. They told me later that they had been really praying for me—they knew this wasn’t a good situation.
This is the part where my pride led to the fall. I had been feeling really good about myself up until this. Multiple guys had wanted to go out with me, and I liked the attention. But I had been a fool, and Brent was my big wake-up call. Ew! It still makes me sick to think I was so stupid and blind. But isn’t that what Satan does to us—blind us to the truth? He makes us think only of our immediate pleasures and desires so that we don’t see the consequences.
Satan whispers little lies in our ears to make evil seem innocent. He whispers things like:
What can one drink really hurt? It’s not like I’m getting drunk.
So what if my boyfriend and I like to hang out alone at his house?
I just want to see what it’s like.
One little cut won’t kill me; maybe it will even help me feel better.
Reading explicit stuff isn’t like I’m actually looking at porn.
I like TV teen dramas. They’re interesting, and it’s not like I’ll ever do that stuff.
The truth is that Satan is out to destroy you! Like the witch in the story of Snow White, he offers you gleaming apples that are filled with poison. Don’t take the apple! Be wary of those little things that aren’t so innocent. Have people in your life who will hold you accountable—people who love the Lord. If you ever start to pull away from those people and start listening to others who say, “What will it hurt?” it’s time to take a big step back and reexamine your life.
What I Learned
Satan takes little things that seem harmless and innocent—and uses them to push you toward danger and away from God.
Beware of false prophets who come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravaging wolves. You’ll recognize them by their fruit. Are grapes gathered from thornbushes or figs from thistles? In the same way, every good tree produces good fruit, but a bad tree produces bad fruit. A good tree can’t produce bad fruit; neither can a bad tree produce good fruit. Every tree that doesn’t produce good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. So you’ll recognize them by their fruit. (Matthew 7:15–20)
Girl Talk
1. What things have you seen or done that you thought were innocent, but turned out to be not-so-innocent?
2. Why do you think people in movies seem to be having such a good time with a drink in their hand? Why does Hollywood make you laugh at things that actually go against God’s teachings? What tactics like these have you seen Satan use? What is Satan out to do in your life?
3. What are the warning signs that you might be headed down a dangerous path? How can you and your friends help protect each other?
4. Trouble often starts with one question: What could it hurt? This question usually goes hand-in-hand with peer pressure. How do you stand up to peer pressure? What do you think of what Paul says in Galatians 1:10? Do you try to please God or people?
5. What do you think about my casual dating attitude? What are your motives behind dating—or any activity you’re involved in? Are your motives selfish or selfless? Are you honoring yourself or honoring God? Are these things helping you witness or helping you fit in?
Chapter 23
Letting Go
So where is the happily ever after?
Dating was a roller coaster of ups and downs. The thing about roller coasters is that if you never get off, you get sick . . . and I was. Dating seemed so pointless. There had to be more to relationships than what I was experiencing and what I had seen in the media and tabloids. At least, I hoped there was more. Where was the happily ever after? Or were fairy tales just make-believe? Oh God, please tell me there is more to life than this empty pursuit of happiness. There must be more!
It’s amazing how God’s answers can sneak up on you at unexpected times and in unexpected places. The answer to my “there must be more” plea came one night while listening to a speaker for Campus Crusade for Christ. The guy talked frankly and passionately about relationships, dating, marriage, and the Christian walk. His words gave me a lot to think about. When I examined my own relationships, I felt like I fell short. I had tried every kind of dating there was. I’d dated the cute guy, the fun guy, the bad boy, and the pastor’s son. I’d tried committed dating and casual dating . . . and still no prince charming.
I couldn’t make a relationship last no matter how hard I tried, and I didn’t know what to do anymore.
When I got back home that night, I felt hopeless. I stood in front of my bathroom mirror with my hands gripping the sink and tears streaming down my cheeks. I stared at my reflection and confessed, “I can’t do this anymore. I give up. All I want is You, God! I am completely happy with just You and nobody else. In fact, I don’t want anyone else. I’m stopping my search, and I will wait. Wait until you decide to bring me the one.” And I let go . . .
It was a short conversation between God and myself that night; yet, it will forever be imprinted in my mind. Did I see magic fairy dust after I spoke those words? Did I feel miraculously transformed? Did I feel like I had come to a mountaintop with God? No. I felt like I had come to the end of my rope, but for the first time I was okay with letting go. I felt peace in surrendering control of my life to God and falling into His arms, trusting that He would catch me and that He was enough. For the first time, I didn’t need anything else to make me happy. I was a hundred percent content . . . just me and God.
Do you know the story of Jesus and the Samaritan woman at the well? Take a couple of minutes and read John 4:1–29. God revealed a huge lesson to me in this story—and I think He’ll teach you something too.
Jesus asks the Samaritan woman for a drink of water. Normally, Jews didn’t hang out with or talk to Samaritans—ever. So the woman asks, “How is it that You, a Jew, ask for a drink from me, a Samaritan woman?” (v. 9). It’s as if she’s saying, Who am I that Jesus would talk to me? Have you ever thought you weren’t good enough for God to love and bless you—so you just settle for whatever is in front of you, hoping it will be enough?
