by Dechari Cole
God was showing us what actual love looked like for the first time.
I still remember the day it happened. I found myself at Jason’s house with tears streaming down my face. Honestly, it had just been a rough day with my roommates. I remember that Jason smiled and asked, “Do you want me to cheer you up?” I nodded, and he put a CD in. As the music started playing, I realized it was my favorite love song. Jason reached out his hand and asked me to dance. Now, you may think Jason and I danced all the time, but actually we only did fast swing dancing. We never slow danced together. So I slid my arms over his shoulders, and we danced. As my tears ceased and he held me tight, he whispered, “I love you.” “I love you too,” I said.
Okay, now tears were streaming for a different reason. Then, he reached into his pocket as he took my hand. He slowly slipped a ring on my finger—a promise ring. It was a promise to do this relationship God’s way, to wait until marriage to have sex, to always love me unconditionally, and to one day take me as his wife. Okay, I think he succeeded in cheering me up!
How could this guy love me so much, and I hadn’t seen it before? Why did it take me all these years to fully accept his love? Those questions actually apply to two men in my life: Jason and Jesus. For as long as I had known Jason, he was my friend, my buddy, someone to run back to when things didn’t work out well with someone else. He was my rock and someone I could count on . . . but I never let myself fall for him. Part of that, I know, was God’s timing, but another part was that I didn’t know what real love looked like. Jason was always pursuing me, though. He never gave up on me, and he loved me even through my stupid mistakes, my selfishness, and the times I took him for granted.
Sound familiar? Jesus was always the Rock I ran to when I needed Him most. He was my Buddy, my Friend, the One I could always count on. But I sometimes took Him for granted. Of course, I loved our relationship, but I hadn’t ever let myself fall completely in love with Him. That is, until that night in front of my bathroom mirror when I finally gave Him everything. You can know Jesus and try to be His friend, but if you haven’t given Him your all and decided to follow Him wherever He leads, then you haven’t really experienced love at its greatest.
What a wonderful example of Christ I saw reflected in my relationship with Jason—to be pursued with such love. Jason accepted me just as I was. Honestly, I couldn’t really do anything to make him love me more. He just did. And he somehow always managed to make me feel beautiful, even when I didn’t feel that way. So how much more do you think God—my Creator—loves me and thinks I’m beautiful? Loves you and thinks you’re beautiful? You don’t have to earn God’s love—just accept it. No strings attached.
What I Learned
Our relationships should reflect Christ, not the world.
The one who does not love does not know God, because God is love. God’s love was revealed among us in this way: God sent His One and Only Son into the world so that we might live through Him. (1 John 4:8–9)
Girl Talk
1. Does your current relationship reflect Christ? How so, or how not?
2. It’s hard to imagine that someone loves you unconditionally, flaws and all, but God does. Read Romans 5:8 and Ephesians 2:8–10. What does God say about His love? Read Romans 8:35–39. Can we lose God’s love?
3. God created you, has a plan for you, thinks about you all the time, and is always with you. You were no mistake. Read Psalm 139:13–18. How beautiful does God think you are?
4. Have you let yourself completely fall in love with Jesus? What might that look like? Make a list of things you do when you’re head-over-heels in love.
5. What truths have you found from following my search for “the one”? What did I mean by “I found the real thing”?
Chapter 26
Don’t Settle
Yes, you really are worth the wait.
Now that I knew who I was going to marry, I had a whole new perspective on dating. As I looked around me, I saw couples with great relationships who kept Christ at the center. Then I also saw other relationships I recognized all too well. I saw girls who were dating just to have someone. They were running to that well of guys, trying to fill the thirst that only God can fill, only to find themselves empty again.
I watched one girl hold onto a guy just because he had been around most of her life. He was her security blanket, and it was too uncomfortable to let him go. It didn’t matter that he brought her down, got her into trouble, and was only in the relationship for what he could get out of it. I realized more than anything that girls were settling . . . settling for less than what God wanted for them. The truth is you can even be with a great guy, but if he’s not the one God has for you, then he’s still the wrong guy. I just wanted to shake these girls and say, “Why are you settling?” Don’t you know that God has an amazing love story just for you?
I couldn’t figure out why these girls were settling—or even why I used to settle. That is, until one day when I was driving home from work. I was thinking about my relationship with Jason and how blessed I was, when my thoughts suddenly turned to the pain of my parents’ divorce. Then I starting thinking about all the relationships that I knew were struggling. My sadness soon turned to doubts and questions: So why should my relationship be any different? Why would mine make it when so many others haven’t? An awful, sinking fear gripped me . . . until I remembered the truth: Because if God brought this relationship together, He can hold it together. And the fear was gone. Whoa! Clearly Satan was trying to plant seeds of fear and doubt. And truthfully, those seeds would have taken root if I hadn’t known that it was God who brought Jason and me together . . . and He would sustain us.
The driving force behind why we settle is . . . fear.
So that’s it. The driving force behind why we settle is . . . fear. And it is powerful! Fear of not being good enough. Fear of not having a family. Fear of being alone. Fear of not being loved. Fear that this is as good as it gets. Fear of losing him. And then there’s the fear of making the wrong choice.
Girls always ask themselves, “How will I know if he is the one?” Well, on our own, it is a bit of a guess and, therefore, an open door for doubt. You’ve got to know what it is that your relationship is going to be centered around, something that will keep you together for the long haul. You don’t know how things will be in five, ten, or twenty years, or what obstacles will come your way. It can all be very overwhelming and scary. That’s why I knew I needed something much bigger than me to hold a relationship together. Relationships are fallible. I’m fallible. But God isn’t! If Jason and I (or any couple) would keep God, who never changes, as our focus, then we would have a steady foundation through the unpredictable years ahead. So I no longer had to fear. Why? Because there’s one driving force even bigger than fear, and that is true love. The Bible says that perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:17–18). Because I had experienced perfect love from God, I had nothing to fear.
There is no fear in love; instead, perfect love drives out fear.
—1 John 4:18
I knew I had found a truth about life: we don’t have to settle! Now, I wanted to share it with the world. (Hmm, maybe one day I could write out my love story from God for all the world to read.) I took my opportunities to share as they came, and God soon gave me a very public one! As part of a speech class that Carol Ann and I were taking, we were given the assignment to debate a controversial topic—any topic so long as there were people on both sides to debate it. We decided to talk about waiting to have sex until you’re married. Why not take the opportunity, right? There were certainly people at college with different perspectives on waiting, and two guys decided they would happily oppose our position.
I would love to say that the debate was a landslide and that everyone in the room decided to wait until marriage to have sex. Unfortunately, I don’t think that was the case—though I do think God used that opportunity to plant some seeds of
truth. It was really eye-opening to hear what the guys on the opposing side had to say. First, they said relationships were like buying a car—you want to see how it performs before you buy it. Really? Okay, so who wants to have a performance-based relationship? And does that mean you get traded in when another pretty girl comes along? I don’t want to be just another notch in someone’s bedpost. I want to be special—special enough for someone to wait for and fully commit himself to.
Next came the “trying different flavors of ice cream” analogy. You want to try different flavors to figure out which is your favorite, the guys said. Okay, are you feeling sick yet? I hope I’m more than a “flavor” to my husband. What happens if his “tastes” change, and he wants to try a different flavor? Please, if you ever hear a guy compare intimacy to buying a car or picking out an ice cream—run!
I began to realize that girls have a lot to overcome in order to find their fairy tale endings—fears, horrible “try-it-before-you-buy-it” attitudes, and also the pack of lies that the world continuously throws at us about love. Some of those biggest lies come from Hollywood. Hollywood may make movies about love, but do they really know love—true, lasting love? We see Hollywood’s fairy tale weddings—the beautiful couples, the wealth, the fame—and we think, That’s what I want! Yet, have we forgotten how those same faces pop up in tabloids, fighting through bitter divorces or custody battles, or chattering about their newest relationship? No, Hollywood’s not happy, so why do we let them mold our ideas of happiness?
I met a girl once who told me flat out, “I did it Hollywood’s way and got burned.” She had followed the model of quick, passionate relationships she saw in the movies, romance novels, and TV shows, and it was devastating. Not only was she hurt by it, but her relationship with God was also hurt. Her disobedience drove a wedge between them. It makes sense. How can you hear God clearly when you’re blatantly choosing to do things your own way (or Hollywood’s way) rather than His? Our relationships aren’t meant to reflect Hollywood; they’re meant to reflect Christ. The good news is that once she gave her life back to God, her relationship with Him was restored. That’s another amazing thing about God, by the way. Even if you’ve messed up, He still has a fairy tale ending for you. I knew a Christian girl who had moved in with her boyfriend and had been intimate. But then they were convicted by God and committed to not even kiss until they got married. She said it was like everything was made new. Her relationship with God was restored, and her relationship with her husband was stronger than ever before. If you’ve taken a wrong turn, remember that God’s there to help you make a new start—to help you turn around and get back on the right path to your fairy tale ending.
I understand. I’m guilty of it too. Hollywood and the American Dream have molded me in many ways, and I’m still breaking through the wall of lies they’ve built. That money, a great career, fame, a huge house, and security are what we are to strive for—when instead we should be striving for God and His Kingdom, not settling for the treasures of this earth.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come.
—2 Corinthians 5:17
Quite honestly, I’m still learning how not to settle. But now I know I don’t want to settle for anything short of God’s best. Even if that means turning down something that seems glamorous and easy. Even if it means going against the flow. Even if what God calls me to do doesn’t make sense to others—or even to myself. Just think of guys like Noah and Moses and David. They did things that people thought were crazy, but God had big plans for them. God will call you to do things that are bigger than you too. And it can be scary, because Satan will attack. But trust that God is big enough, believe He is working for good, and know that He will never leave you.
What I Learned
Seek God’s best; never settle for less!
There is no fear in love; instead, perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves punishment. So the one who fears has not reached perfection in love. (1 John 4:18)
Girl Talk
1. Have you ever heard those “try-it-before-you-buy-it” lies? What do you think about a performance-based relationship? What pressures does this view put on a relationship?
2. My question from the beginning has been: How do you have a lasting relationship? Can you answer that question now? What does a lasting relationship have to be founded on and why?
3. What fears are driving your decisions and maybe causing you to miss out on God’s best? How can God’s perfect love conquer those fears?
4. What did I mean when I said I had to break down the lies that Hollywood and the American Dream have sold me? How could money, a nice house, and fame be anything but good? Is seeking God’s will for your life always the easiest, most glamorous path? What might it look like?
5. Disobedience to God’s Word and direction will cause a wedge in your relationship with Him. If you haven’t heard Him lately, could it be because you haven’t listened to what He’s already told you in His Word?
Chapter 27
The Search
There is a path that leads to your fairy tale ending, but you have to choose to follow it.
I want you to ask yourself something: If you’re searching for “the one,” and all your hopes for happiness rest in what might be in the future, are you really living now? You see, when God is in your life and you’re seeking His path for you, then you don’t have to wait to find your happily in the ever after. You can find it right now!
Your story doesn’t revolve around one magical moment or one magical guy. Your story is in you and in what you let God do with your life. Yes, I know that I got that eye-opening kiss when God revealed His will to me, but the magic wasn’t in the kiss; it was in the journey and the revelations God taught me along the way. It’s during your journey that you discover where your strength comes from. It’s where you find the courage to fight for something greater—instead of settling for what is common. It’s where you walk through the fire, but come out stronger and more beautiful than ever before. It’s where your faith grows as you learn to let go and trust God’s will rather than your own. Yes, your path will be hard and scary at times, but you can have hope because God is always at your side. But it’s a choice you have to make. You can choose to let God lead you to an amazing ending, or you can choose to go your own way down the path that ultimately leads to destruction.
In my own journey, I had great friends like Jason and Carol Ann, I had a mom who prayed for me daily, I had my church, and I had God. If I hadn’t had those pushes to keep me on the right path, I can’t imagine where I would be. In every story, there is someone who pushes the main character in their search. They can either cheer them on or hold them back. They can give godly wisdom or foolish, worldly advice. Some people may selfishly guide you down the wrong path so that they have company in their troublesome lives. Some will want to harm you, while others will want only the best for you. Who is your guide? Hollywood, the media, your peers, or God? What are their motives? What do they want for you? These are things you need to know.
Sometimes we are like the little girl I saw one day at the grocery store. While she was asked to wait, she took notice of all the pretty packages within her reach. I watched as she grabbed a candy bar, but her dad quickly took it away, saying, “No, you don’t need that.” The little girl’s face wrinkled and her arms went to her hips, “But I want it!” Then she reached for it again. It was a battle—the parent knew what was best for his child, while she knew only what she wanted. Isn’t that what we do sometimes? Unfortunately, our temptations are usually bigger than candy bars. They tend to be things like sex, drugs, alcohol, pornography, lying, stealing, unhealthy food, cheap highs, gossip, and wrong relationships. They’re all wrapped up in pretty packages like that candy bar, and all we have to do is reach out and grab what we want. Then God says no—and that’s when we throw our fit. But God is so
patient with us. In His wisdom and love, He continues to tell us that’s not what we need. Though we may not always understand, He is out to protect us and save us for something better.
The little girl didn’t understand that her father wanted what was best for her. Do you understand what your heavenly Father wants for you? Sometimes we look at others around us, at the movies, or at whatever else is dangled in front of us and we want it. Is it the best, though? Psalm 73 is about a man named Asaph, who looks at the world around him and is confused by how the people who oppose God and do sinful things seem to prosper and have the good life. He asks himself, “Did I purify my heart and wash my hands in innocence for nothing? For I am afflicted all day long and punished every morning” (vv. 13–14). Then, in verses 16–17, he says, “When I tried to understand all this, it seemed hopeless until I entered God’s sanctuary; then I understood their destiny”—their destiny was ruin.
Like us, Asaph had wondered, What’s the point? Am I following God and living for Him for nothing? But when he went looking for answers from God, the Lord helped him see that those people were on the path to destruction. So Asaph held on. He took the harder path. He didn’t grab the temptations right in front of him; instead, he trusted in God’s plan and His timing. Asaph knew God’s path was the only way to true life.
In Psalm 73:21–25, Asaph finishes by saying,
When I became embittered and my innermost being was wounded, I was stupid and didn’t understand; I was an unthinking animal toward You. Yet I am always with You; You hold my right hand. You guide me with Your counsel, and afterward You will take me up in glory. Who do I have in heaven but You? And I desire nothing on earth but You.
Asaph finally saw past his own frustrations and temptations and realized what his heavenly Father offered him. I know I’m definitely like that little girl in the candy aisle. I don’t always see clearly why my heavenly Father doesn’t give me what I want, when I want it. I know He gives me what I need, but it’s sometimes hard to wait when there are so many pretty packages in front of me. In order for me to take the harder path of waiting until marriage, of declining the popular party scene, of being ridiculed for being a different kind of girl, then I needed to know it was worth it. I needed to know if what God said in His Word was keeping me from something or saving me for something greater. Just like Asaph, I needed to know the truth about the character of God and where His path would take me. And I also needed to know Satan’s characteristics and where his path led. Throughout the Bible, God reveals to us the truth about what He wants for you and what Satan wants for you. Let’s take a look:
