Cold Feet: The Lost Years

by Carmel Harrington

  Jenny laughed. ‘How is Heather?’

  ‘She’s good. Still living it large on the Valencian coast. She keeps threatening to come home to the UK, but she couldn’t give up her lifestyle there,’ Karen said.

  ‘Where’s the sultry Ramona then?’ Jenny asked, sarcasm laced her words.

  ‘Learning to speak French, would you believe. She’s met this guy while we were in Spain. Jean-Luc, who lives in Normandy. They had a brief fling, but it appears love has struck them both. It’s like that movie You’ve Got Mail right now, emails flying back and forth every day, Ramona with her translator dictionary, trying to work out what he’s saying,’ Karen said.

  ‘And Ramona wants to learn how to speak French for this bloke? In fairness, that’s romantic,’ Jenny said. ‘Do you think she’ll go live over there?’ Jenny would be delighted to see the back of Ramona. She was convinced she still had her eye on Pete.

  ‘Gosh, I hope not. I’d be lost without her. But right now, he doesn’t speak English nor Spanish. And Ramona doesn’t speak French. So I think it’s essential one of them learns a new language!’ Karen said.

  ‘Some might say that Ramona doesn’t have much English . . .’ Jenny interrupted.

  ‘Oh, she’s improved over the years. And trust me, when she wants to get her message across, she does just fine. But you know Ramona, she’s always been ruled by that heart of hers,’ Karen said.

  ‘Haven’t we all,’ Jenny replied. ‘Good luck to her. I hope she manages to “voulez-vous coucher avec Jean-Luc, ce soir!” ’

  ‘Ooh la la!’ Karen joked back and then they both giggled for a minute.

  ‘How are you coping, what with David and his new bit, the divorce Rottweiler?’ Jenny asked.

  Karen felt her bottom lip begin to wobble. She had so many conflicted emotions about all of that. It would be a relief to talk through how she felt with Jenny. ‘Well, to be honest I have been struggling—’

  She was cut off by what sounded like a window smashing down the phone line.

  ‘Jenny?’ Karen stood up, not knowing what to do. She sagged with relief when she heard her friend’s voice back on the line.

  ‘Gotta go, sorry . . . Adam, you little—’

  And the line went dead, leaving Karen, sitting by the phone totally alone.

  She felt panic begin to bubble up inside of her. She was five seconds away from waking up the children, putting them in the car, to drive to the twenty-four-hour Tesco’s. She could practically taste the vodka.

  No, she couldn’t be alone. She looked at her phone and did the one thing that still felt like the most natural thing in the world for her.

  She called David.

  He answered the phone after the first ring, his modulated, kind voice unleashing a dam of tears.

  ‘Oh David,’ Karen sobbed.

  ‘I’m on my way.’

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Stepping up a level and the fear

  Robyn’s Apartment, Didsbury, Manchester

  David turned to Robyn, his face contrite. ‘Can we put that wine on hold for an hour. Perhaps two hours, tops?’

  ‘What’s wrong this time?’ Robyn sighed. She was beginning to get really sick of Karen’s constant texts. When would that woman realise that her marriage was over?

  ‘I’m not sure. But she’s terribly upset. I’ve simply got to go. You understand, don’t you?’ He kissed the top of her head.

  Robyn nodded silently. One look at her face and David knew that despite her affirmation, she really didn’t.

  ‘I know it’s been difficult this past month. I’ve not been here much, going back and forth to Karen’s. It’s been a bit of a struggle getting used to sharing custody. Not to mention with all of us dealing with Rachel’s death. I’m sorry you’ve borne the brunt of that,’ David said.

  ‘I do understand. I’m not a monster, you know. I just miss you when you’re not here with me. And this weekend, you’ve got the children, so I won’t see you then either. Sometimes it feels like I see more of my porter downstairs, than I do of you,’ Robyn said.

  ‘Hey, don’t be getting any ideas about him. I’ve seen the way he looks at you, all puppy-dog eyes,’ David joked.

  ‘Stop.’ Robyn shuddered. Things would never be that bad.

  ‘Who could blame him for fancying you? I adore you,’ David stated firmly.

  She smiled, already forgiving him for leaving and leaned in to kiss him hard on the lips. That would give him something to think about. ‘Don’t be too long. I’ll wait up, and that way we can still retrieve something of the evening.’

  Not for the first time, David thought how lucky he was to have found Robyn. She was smart and sexy and it was always fun being with her. Despite her austere appearance in court, and sometimes curt and stern demeanour out of it, she was soft and enchanting when you got to know her. Maybe it was time to bring things to a new level. ‘I have an idea. Why don’t you come and stay with me and the children tomorrow, for the weekend? I know you’ve met them a few times, but you’ve not spent any real time with them. We can do lots of fun things and let them see for themselves how amazing you are.’

  ‘Are you sure? That’s a big step,’ Robyn said.

  ‘I think we’re ready for it. I, for one, am anyhow.’

  Robyn looked at him for a moment before answering. She knew that by saying yes, she would be taking their relationship into a new phase. She quite liked being David’s girlfriend. Did she want to start playing stepmummy in their precious free time at the weekend? She wasn’t sure she did.

  David could see the doubt in his girlfriend’s eyes. ‘You get the added bonus of sleeping with me every night.’

  ‘That’s a strong selling point,’ Robyn said, smiling.

  David grabbed her hands between his. ‘I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t think we were at that stage. I don’t want your relationship with the kids to just be a quick half-hour in the park, with an ice cream. You are too important to me for it to be just that.’

  ‘I do like ice cream.’

  ‘Well then, I promise to always have a freezer full of every flavour you desire,’ David said.

  ‘How could I say no to that? You’ve got yourself a date,’ Robyn replied.

  He grinned like a kid with his first crush as he walked from Robyn’s apartment to his car. She made him happy. He was determined not to blow this relationship.

  As it was late evening, the traffic was in his favour and he got to Karen’s within ten minutes. The front door opened before he had switched off his ignition. Standing in the doorway, with just the dim light of the porch shining behind her, Karen looked small and delicate. She’d lost weight, he was sure of it. Despite everything, the affairs, the break-ups, the make-ups and the eventual messy divorce, his heart exploded with love for this woman. He wanted to protect her, save her from whatever heartache she was going through. He had always wanted to slay demons for her, and he doubted that would ever change.

  Decades of loving Karen, it appeared, was impossible to give up.

  Every time he thought he had a handle on it, he found himself getting caught unawares by her. She’d smile, or make a face, say something funny, nudge his shoulder and confusion would cloud his judgement.

  He firmly believed that they shouldn’t be together any more. They stopped working as a couple some time ago. Karen felt the same. He was in no doubt that he wanted to be with Robyn. He was in love with her.

  But still, standing there before him, looking vulnerable, was a tremulous Karen. His Karen. And he wondered, if he only had five minutes more on this earth, which woman would he want to hold in his arms.

  He decided it would be safer not to answer that question.

  He walked over to her and wordlessly pulled her into his embrace. Her head rested on to his chest and he wrapped his arms around her, trying to stop her shivering.

  ‘Come inside.’ He led her by the hand into their family room, guiding her to their couch.

  ‘Shall I make a pot of coffee?’
David asked, then answered the question himself. ‘Yes, I think that would be nice. I’ll do that.’

  Karen looked at the large clock hanging above the mantelpiece. ‘I bet you were about to have a large glass of red when I called, weren’t you?’

  ‘You know me too well.’ He was, if nothing else, a creature of habit.

  ‘I don’t have any drink in the house,’ Karen said sorrowfully, feeling fresh tears begin to creep up on her.

  ‘Of course you don’t,’ David said. Something about the way she’d said that made him wary. He’d do a quick check through all the cupboards while he was here, just in case she’d hidden a secret stash. And maybe he could find an excuse to check in her bedroom too. ‘I am more than happy to have a coffee. Have you got the good stuff in?’

  ‘Of course,’ Karen answered. Decades of buying his favourite brands were instilled in her, and she found herself still putting things he loved more than she did into her trolley each weekend when she shopped. And in fairness, their tastes had become entwined with each other’s too. She liked much the same things as he did.

  When the coffee was made, he sat beside her on the big soft grey couch and they sipped in silence for a few moments.

  ‘I wasn’t lying when I said there was no alcohol,’ Karen said.

  ‘What?’ He put on his best innocent face.

  ‘I heard you out there, opening presses,’ Karen replied.

  ‘Oh gosh, I’m sorry for doubting you,’ David said. But he had to be sure. If Karen started to drink again, he needed to know. If not for her sake, for their children’s.

  ‘Don’t be sorry. I’m glad you still care enough to check.’

  ‘I’ll always care. Now, let’s forget about all that. What’s up with you?’

  Karen thought about all of the things that were upsetting her right now, but all that came out of her mouth was, ‘I miss her.’

  He nodded and they let that statement sit between them for a moment.

  Karen loved that he didn’t try to talk her out of that, or tell her that it would be okay, because he knew that it wouldn’t. Not right now, leastways.

  ‘Things keep happening, you see, and I think, I’ll ring Rachel. Because she was always the one I’d call, you know? Like this evening, I had to take my shoes off to run for the train,’ Karen said.

  ‘That’s dicing with danger a bit. Could be anything on the street,’ David said with a shudder. He couldn’t remember the last time he went barefoot anywhere, other than in the shower!

  ‘Well, it wasn’t the street that caused my problem. I stood in something gooey and awful and unidentifiable on the train.’

  ‘Crikey,’ David made a face of disgust.

  ‘Quite. And I just wanted to tell someone. I just wanted someone to say . . . I don’t know, to say to me, eewwww . . .’ Karen said.

  He nodded. Righto. He had imagined all sorts of problems, but goo on the train was not one of them. He turned to her and said, a little shyly at first, but when she laughed, more forcefully, ‘Ewwwwww.’

  And with that ewww, she started to feel infinitely better. ‘Oh, David,’ she sighed on a smile.

  He liked the way she said that. For so long, for years in fact, she’d say his name, but it was always in a reproachful, disappointed kind of way. He seemed to always muck things up, say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing. He never meant to. But his brain and his mouth didn’t always align in time with each other.

  Right now, she was looking at him like she liked him again. Like she used to look at him, before he messed things up. To be fair, he knew it wasn’t just him. She did her own share of messing up also.

  ‘I miss Rachel too, you know. I knew her as long as I’ve known you.’

  She nodded. ‘You used to joke when we started to date that you got one free when you got me.’

  ‘I did. My very own BOGOF!’ He laughed. ‘She was a top woman, though.’

  Karen nodded and the tears started again. She leaned in against his shoulder and he held her until the tears subsided.

  ‘I thought about having a drink today,’ Karen whispered into his jacket collar. She couldn’t look at him. She felt shame at her weakness.

  David pulled back and held her shoulders. ‘Tell me you didn’t have one.’

  She shook her head. ‘Of course I didn’t.’ She felt annoyance that he looked sceptical. ‘I promise.’

  ‘Okay, okay. I’m not judging you, Karen, I just want to help.’

  She nodded. She knew that. He’d proven to her over and over that he was on her side, even if now and then he spectacularly let her down. ‘I could almost taste it. I’ve never wanted anything so much.’ She licked her lips.

  ‘You need to go to a meeting.’ David was alarmed all over again.

  She shrugged. He was right and she knew that, but her life was so crammed right now, she couldn’t fit a single more element into it. ‘There’s no time.’

  ‘Don’t be so ridiculous,’ David said, annoyance laced into every word. ‘Of course there’s time. You make time when it’s a matter of this importance. I have the children this weekend. That’s when you must find a meeting. That’s an order.’

  Karen raised an eyebrow. ‘An order?’

  ‘Well, maybe a firm suggestion.’

  ‘I promise I’ll go to one. I know I need to. Believe me when I say I don’t want to go back to who I was, when I drank,’ Karen said.

  ‘I’m glad you can talk to me,’ he said. ‘Don’t ever be afraid of telling me how you feel.’

  ‘I know that.’ She paused. ‘Everything is such a struggle right now. This feeling in my stomach, like I’m ill-prepared for an important meeting – all the time.’

  David nodded and something niggled at the back of his brain. He read something once, it stayed with him, because it seemed so poignantly true at the time. What was it. Yes. It came to him.

  ‘No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear,’ David said.

  Karen nodded at the truth in the words. ‘That’s beautiful.’

  ‘CS Lewis wrote it. But it feels strangely appropriate,’ David said.

  ‘Yes, it does,’ Karen said. Because that’s exactly what she’d been feeling. Fear.

  David kissed her on her forehead and glanced at the clock over her head as he did. Crikey, he’d been here nearly two hours.

  ‘I have to go,’ David said. ‘Will you be okay?’

  She nodded, but the tears were back in her eyes.

  ‘How about one more cup of coffee, then?’ David said, and Karen jumped up to put the kettle back on.

  He took the opportunity to quickly text Robyn.

  Not long. Leaving soon. Promise.

  He waited for an answer, but none came. Damn it, she’d be pissed off with him, he knew she would. And who could blame her? He’d missed more dates with her lately than most women would ever accept.

  I really am sorry. Can’t wait for the weekend. You’ll have my full attention, I promise. The children will love you.

  This time his phone buzzed back.

  If you leave now, we can open that wine. In bed.

  ‘You’ve got to go,’ Karen said, seeing him on his phone when she walked in.

  He nodded. ‘Would you mind frightfully if I skipped that second pot of coffee? Apart from anything else, it would have me up all night.’

  ‘Not at all,’ Karen replied. The idea of him up all night, in bed with Robyn jumped into her head and she felt suddenly queasy. ‘I really appreciate you coming over like that. I’d be lost without you. But you must go now. Don’t ever keep a lady waiting.’

  She stood on her tippy toes and kissed his cheek, pushing a lock of his fringe away from his eyes.

  ‘See you on Friday,’ David said. ‘I’ll collect the children around four.’

  ‘Sounds perfect.’ Karen’s voice was stretched tight with false bravado.

  As he pulled away from the house, he had the weirdest sensation that he was pulling away from something precious.

  H
e braked the car slightly for just a fraction of a second, but then he continued on his way.

  CHAPTER NINE

  The evil stepmother and the offensive green bits

  David’s apartment, Didsbury, Manchester

  When David collected the children from Karen’s for their weekend with him, he was relieved to see her looking so well. She had managed to swing it that she worked from home, so that she could say goodbye to the children, before they left. One of his custody agreement issues he refused to budge on was that weekend visits start at 4 p.m. He only had them every second weekend, so this time was precious. He didn’t want to be that dad, that just collected and put the children straight to bed.

  Robyn was due to arrive in an hour or so. As yet, he hadn’t told the children that she was staying with them. His earlier conversation with Karen about this issue played on repeat in his head. He was irked that she had placed nuggets of doubt in his mind about the weekend. He’d only mentioned the fact that Robyn planned to stay as a courtesy to Karen. Her reaction took him by surprise.

  ‘Where will she sleep?’ she’d asked.

  ‘Er . . . with me,’ he answered. ‘Don’t worry, she won’t be sleeping with the children.’

  He wrongly assumed that’s what was bothering her.

  ‘I should hope not,’ she said and the expression on her face, let him know exactly what she thought of that notion. ‘The girls are small, they won’t notice anything. But Josh is an impressionable age. He loves you, David. He associates his time in your house as his. He might not want to share this with Robyn.’

  He’d not thought about it in those terms before. But he couldn’t un-invite Robyn now. David promised he’d talk to Josh and almost convinced himself that Karen was doing what she did best – unduly stressing.

  His girls were crawling around the floor, with the toys he’d bought from the Early Learning Centre going down a treat. They were ready for bed, dressed in matching pink babygros, clutching their bunny rabbit toys in their hands. He felt a familiar flood of emotion hit him as he looked at their innocent, beautiful faces. I’ll always protect you, he thought. All of you. He turned to look at Josh, who was sitting at the dining room table, drawing pictures of the Ninja Turtles. They all looked the same to him but each was very different, Josh had assured his daddy earlier.