“Both.”
“You can’t mean that.”
She didn’t. She couldn’t imagine not having spent these last few weeks with Keith and yet, part of her wished she hadn’t. It would be so much easier to leave.
“I’m leaving in two days, Keith. It’s not going to get any easier.”
“Then stay,” Keith said. There was more there, in his eyes and in his voice. But he said no more.
She shook her head slowly. “I’m no good in one place.”
“That’s an excuse not to face what you feel.”
“Really?”
Frustration shadowed his normal happy-go-lucky expression. He got up from the table and dropped his plate into the sink, the sound of it jarring her.
“You’ve spent a lifetime leaving people behind, Regis. Aren’t you tired yet?”
“Correction. People left me behind.”
“And you followed suit.”
She started to protest, to argue the same clichéd points she’d convinced herself of all these years. But those arguments were bogus. They just fell flat in her mind and she knew she’d lose as soon as the words came out of her mouth.
She did leave. Just like her mother had. Just like everyone else who’d left her behind. It was easier that way.
“Stay,” he said again. This time, his eyes were pleading. “Stay long enough to see if something is real. To see if there’s anything here worth holding on to.”
Her bottom lip threatened to betray her with a slight quiver. “That’s easy for you to say. To imagine. You have this fantastic family and wonderful friends you’ve known since the cradle. Everyone in this town has memories that go all the way back to the dinosaurs.” She laughed at the absurdity of her statement, but at its core, Regis had meant it.
Hope filled his eyes. “You could have that, too.”
She shook her head quickly. “How? All I have are faces. I don’t even remember the names any more. They’re all blurred into one.”
“Then stay and let someone love you. Let someone leave an imprint on your heart. I want so much to do that. You have no idea.”
“You say that because you’ve never had anyone you loved leave you before. I have.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. My best friend left me and he’s never coming back.”
Her heart stopped just seeing the anguish on Keith’s face.
“Do you know what the last thing was that I said to Wade? ‘I can’t.’ Those are two words I regret more than anything.”
“You couldn’t know what was going to happen.”
He nodded. “No, but it doesn’t change what did. All he wanted to do was have a few beers with his brothers before he left for his tour with the Peace Corps. I was in the middle of my residency in Sioux City, working eighty hours a week. I didn’t want to lose precious sleep to drive the few hours to meet him halfway between Sioux City and Aberdeen and then drive back.
“Regis, I think about that phone call with Wade all the time. I would change that in a heartbeat if I could. I missed my opportunity to say goodbye to my brother. Of course, I never would have known at the time it was my last chance. But if I’d known, I would have driven all night and worked all day to have that last laugh or last hug from him before he boarded that plane.”
“I understand your loss. But there’s a difference. Wade didn’t leave you on purpose. My mother did. She just…left.”
“This isn’t about loss, Regis. It’s about risk. I was so focused on becoming a doctor and doing well at my residency that I didn’t risk stepping out of my comfort zone to do something that was probably one of the most important moments of my life; my opportunity to see my brother one last time. I would have been fine. I’d pulled all-nighters before, working two days straight without sleep.”
“This isn’t the same thing.”
“Then why are you leaving? Why not stay and take a risk? You and I both know there’s something special here. I’ve never felt the way I feel about you before. No other woman in my life has even come close. Even though you’re too stubborn to admit it, I have a feeling you feel the same. Except the closer we get, the more you want to run. That’s the real reason why you didn’t want to stay last night.”
Tears filled her eyes. “I’m no good in one place.”
“How do you know that? You don’t even let yourself get close to finding out.”
She sighed. “I just know.”
“What are you so afraid of? Needing someone?”
“I don’t need anyone,” she said. It was a standard line and one she let herself believe for a long time. And she knew this time she was lying to herself.
“Then you’re in better shape than me because I need you.”
She shook her head. “How is that possible?”
“It’s true. I’ve spent my entire adult life pushing forward with tunnel vision. But one thing became crystal clear to me yesterday when I woke up and you weren’t next to me. I need you, Regis. And I thought, ‘What if she doesn’t come back. Ever.’ I couldn’t handle that. And suddenly I didn’t know how I was going to get through the day.”
“This can’t end good, Keith. I’m leaving in two days.”
“Then don’t leave. Stay with me, Regis. Stay and find out if what we have is more than just a passing fling.”
She jolted back at his words. “Fling? Do you really think that’s what this has been for me?”
“How would I know anything? You’re pulling away again. You’ve got so much armor guarding your heart that I can’t get in to see it. Where is your heart, Regis? I want to love you. Let me love you.”
The tears she’d been holding back were falling now. “You’re not the only one who lost someone, Keith.”
“I know your mother hurt you.”
“I’m not talking about my mother. Or my father’s endless tours and being left behind.” She sighed. “I can’t even believe I’m telling you this.”
“Tell me,” he said, pulling her closer. But she needed her distance, and turned toward the table, sitting down before he spoke.
“I told you I’ve lived on bases all over the world. Well, as you can imagine, there weren’t a whole lot of eligible guys to date other than young military men. I’d met someone when I was eighteen. His name was David and he was a year older than me. My father was gone and I was staying with a family on base when we met. I’d been getting ready to leave for college, but I stayed because of David. I thought I was in love with him. I’d had crushes on servicemen before but this was different. He was my first kiss, my first love, my first everything.”
She shrugged, sure that Keith understood her meaning. When he didn’t say anything, she went on.
“David was sent to Iraq early on. We wrote. Talked to each other whenever we could. And then I didn’t hear from him for a while. Everyone told me not to worry because he was probably in some remote place and the mail would catch up eventually. It did. I got a letter from his sister in the States telling me he’d been killed.”
Empathy shown on Keith’s face, making her want to weep. “You loved him,” he said.
She nodded. She hadn’t known at the time, but she’d realized too late just how much she had loved David.
“You see, I’ve spent a lifetime of seeing people go, living with families who were suffering through waiting for people to come home, and sometimes they never did. You ask me where my heart is? It broke a long time ago. How many times can a heart break before it never heals, Keith? And you want me to risk it again?”
She couldn’t hold back the tears. “This was a bad idea.” She went into the living room, grabbed her coat and purse and headed for the door.
“Where are you going?”
“Back to the motel.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
But she was already out the door.
* * *
The mattress was lumpy. Regis turned her pillow over and rolled over to her side with a sigh. It was no use. It wasn’t a lumpy
mattress or a flat pillow keeping her awake tonight. Try as she may, she couldn't get her brain to turn off.
Keith was right. She was always running away. Leaving before someone left her. She’d spent years trying to convince herself that she did her job with such dedication because she was passionate about helping people. That’s what drove her. Surely Keith could understand that. Why else would he have become a doctor?
As a fresh wave of pain washed over her, she pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, as if holding them tightly to her would keep her together. For years after David had died, Regis had sworn she’d never allow herself to fall in love like that again. And she hadn’t. She never got involved with men when she was on the road and she was always on the road.
But Keith had worn her down. His gentle smile and easy way had pulled her in right from the start. She didn't understand it. She'd only known Keith for a few weeks. She spent countless nights alone in motel rooms over the years. And yet, the one thing she knew for sure is that she missed being next to Keith as she slept. She missed the way his hand found her under the blanket and rested on her hip. She missed the way she could feel his warm breath on the back of her neck as he nuzzled against it. And the way his mouth moved perfectly with hers when he kissed her.
Regis turned her face into her pillow and let out a scream of frustration. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw that thick dark hair and remembered how soft it had been between her fingers, saw those amazing eyes and how they'd warmed whenever he'd looked at her.
She’d told him all about David and he’d known immediately how much she’d loved him. And then realization dawned on Regis like a smack to the head. She shook her head and whispered into the darkness. “That's not possible. I barely know him. We’ve only been together a few weeks.”
Images flashed through her mind in rapid succession.
Deep blue eyes filled with concern as they took in the blood on her leg.
Strong fingers moving gently against her injured flesh.
A warm smile that had greeted her at the door to this very room, just to check on her.
His hand in hers, guiding her as they walked over difficult terrain.
The safety of being wrapped in his arms.
The pain of not having him here with her now.
And then it struck her hard. “What the hell did you do, Reg?” She’d gone and fallen in love with him.
# # #
Chapter Ten
Regis woke up before her alarm went off, before the sun had even fully breached the horizon. The sky still had that hazy gray, streaked with orange and red that came with morning. She hadn't slept much, but she knew she'd never get back to sleep. Besides, she needed to get to Keith's house before he left for the clinic. What she had to say was important and didn't need to be done in a public place. She grabbed the first clean pair of pants she could get her hands on and yanked on a blouse, buttoning it as she went to her door.
After a quick stop at the diner to grab two coffees, she headed over to Keith's house. But instead of pulling down the driveway, she saw his truck parked in front of the clinic. The light was on inside, but surely it was too early for Nancy to be at work. She parked the car, grabbed the two coffees and walked up the frost-covered ramp to the front door.
The warmth that surged through her the moment she pushed through the door and saw Keith confirmed what she'd been trying to deny. She was in love.
Keith raised his head from whatever he was reading as he sat in the seat normally occupied by Nancy, surprise written on his face at the sight of her. For a split second, Regis felt a twinge of guilt at how ragged he looked, knowing she’d probably caused it. He didn't appear to have gotten any more sleep than she had. Although dressed in a clean shirt and jeans, his hair was tousled more than usual as if he’d spent the last hour pulling his fingers through it with frustration.
Still, the way he looked at her, as if he were drinking her in, made him look incredibly sexy despite his obvious fatigue. Then he smiled. “Are one of those coffees mine?”
A small laugh escaped her lips as she held out the cup, which he reached for through the window that separated Nancy’s desk from the waiting room. “Just how you like it. But I didn’t make it. Your mother did. I stopped by the diner.”
He took a sip of satisfaction. “I needed this.”
“I was going to stop by your house. You don’t normally come to the clinic this early.”
“I couldn’t sleep. Seems like that's contagious.”
“Can we talk in private?”
He glanced around the room. “No one is here but us, Regis.”
She sighed, knowing she was stalling.
“Whatever it is you want to tell me, just say it,” he said. “I’m here.”
Her bottom lip quivered against all her efforts to stop it. “I know. I’m not used to that.”
“Just say it,” he urged.
She took a deep, cleansing breath. “I know I’ve been pushing you away these last few days. I don’t know how to do it any other way. I’ve never had any one place to call home before. I’ve been running so long, I don’t know how to stop.”
“This could be your home. Give yourself a reason to love something and dig some roots.”
She put her coffee cup down on the table. “It’s not that easy.”
“It could be.” He walked out from behind the desk and came into the waiting room, standing close to her, but not close enough.
Her heart thumped in her chest. “I deal with harsh realities all the time but the biggest one is how I feel about you. I feel like I’m falling without a safety net. ”
“That’s what falling in love is. You’re not alone.” With one quick stride he was standing in front of her and scooping her into his arms. Here she felt alive and whole. In his arms, she felt the earth beneath her feet.
“We started this, Regis,” Keith said, gazing down into her eyes. “Let’s finish it. Let’s find out how far we can take this. When I went to see you yesterday, I was angry. But I realized last night that it wasn’t just about the Buxton Mill claim. We’ll figure something out about that. It was because you were leaving and I didn’t know how to feel about that. I’ve never felt like this before. Since the moment I saw you standing in front of the clinic door, you’ve been throwing me for a loop. I never knew what love was like. With Logan and Poppy, I saw it. It was real. But I’d never had that before until I met you. I love you, Regis. I’m sure of it.”
“I love you, too. I don’t know how it happened, but I do.”
He kissed her lips, her face and her eyes as he dug his fingers in her hair, setting her soul on fire. It scared her to death and yet, it was everything she wanted.
She heard Nancy clear her throat. Loudly.
Keith pulled away from her abruptly and looked up with surprise. When Regis turned, she saw Nancy standing at the door with her coat still on, wearing a grin of amusement. “It’s a bit early in the day, isn’t it?”
Regis felt her face flame, but Keith wasn’t fazed. “Why don’t you go to the diner and have a long breakfast. Tell my mother it’s on me.”
“Oh, Hawk, your mother and I will have plenty to talk about,” Nancy said, laughing as she left the office.
Regis giggled. “You do know what they’re going to talk about, don't you?”
“I’d hate to disappoint them. I don’t expect you to say yes to marriage, Regis. But I can’t deny that I hope one day that’s what you’ll want. All I know is that I don’t want you to leave. Please tell me you’ll stay.”
“I’m almost done with my work here,” she said. “I do have that vacation my boss promised—”
“Great,” he said, cutting her off. “I’ll take however much time I can get with you.”
“And then I’ll probably be unemployed.”
Confusion pulled at his handsome features.
“I think I’ve figured out a way to help the Buxton Mill center cause.”
�
�Really?”
“I contacted one of the families I lived with on base and mentioned what Ethan and Ian have been trying to do here. It seems there are a lot of groups all over the country who are trying to do the same thing. I’ve got some great ideas to raise money. It won’t be easy, but we may be able to raise the cash needed to make the repairs to the center and even get a grant to complete the renovation. Of course, it puts me out of a job because it’ll be a job in itself to facilitate it all. But who knows, we could create a foundation that could grow beyond the Buxton Mills site.”
“If it keeps you here in my arms, I’m game if you are.”
“We could organize volunteer groups from other counties to come in and do the work in exchange for other services. It would eliminate a lot of red tape. And you know, we could even do that for other people in town to help get the building process started faster.”
Keith was staring at her and she wasn’t sure he’d heard a word she’d said.
“Do you think it’s too much?” she asked.
He laced his fingers with hers. “I think it’s perfect.”
She reached up on her toes to kiss him on the mouth. With her lips on his and his fingers entwined with hers, everything felt right.
“I love you Keith McKinnon. But I have only one problem.”
A crease pulled at his brow. “What’s that?”
“If I don’t have a real job anymore, I can’t exactly afford to live in the motel.”
His smile widened. “Regis Simpson, you will always have a home with me. And I’m going to love you so well you’ll never want to leave again.”
Regis threw her arms around his neck, hot tears spilling down her cheeks. She buried her face in Keith's neck.
Then he whispered in her ear. “No more leaving. You're home for good.”
“I’m going to hold you to that.”
Keith’s kiss was like a promise full of love and commitment to their future that they would be together always. And for the first time in her life, Regis believed it.
The End
Dear Reader:
Badland Bride (Book 2 - Dakota Hearts) Page 8
