Divergent Parody: Avirgent

by Maurice Hill

  She inhaled her cigarette, and exhaled a cloud of smoke, like a fog. “Whatever. Quit judging my life, and asking me questions. I don't see you asking questions as to why I'm hiding your test results even though I hate you and my bosses can hear me.”

  “Yeah, why are you doing that? Can't your bosses hear you?”

  “My bosses can't hear me. I turned the switch off. Hopefully I don't lose my job. Plus, you're just a kid. I'll chalk your blatant racism and ignorance down to your terrible parents, spoiled upbringing, and idiotic faction.”

  I turned my head to a mirror and I looked like some old woman in a wheelchair, with baggy eyes. I so needed to wash my face. I looked back to her as she looked like she was drowning in a large fog of smoke.

  She inhaled and her cigarette butt lit up orange within the smoke. Like a monster with bright eyes rising out of an ocean. Bad comparison that doesn't make sense, but then again, neither does our society.

  “So what do I do now?” I said, scared for my life. “If there's people out to get me?” My heart beat in my chest harder than my last boyfriends'...nevermind.

  The Asian lady put her hair back in a bun and took a helmet from a closet next to her.

  “Well, you only have one choice: Join my brother and sisters in Trickers. You can't stay with your old faction after-all. That's all I gotta say so...I'm out.”

  She started going for the door. “Wait!”

  “What?!” she said, frowning, sighing.

  “Aren't you going to take me out of this seat?”

  “Oh yeah.”

  She un-strapped my straps and told me, “Listen kid, keep your freakin' mouth shut, and do whatever you need to do to survive in Trickers. 'Cause I ain't gonna be there to help you, and neither will your Moms, pops and whoever else you care about. This is real shit. You tell someone, you're fucking dead. Oh yeah, and I was just lying about that, 'it'll feel like sex', thing. They tell us to say that so you'll comply.”

  She helped me out of the seat and I massaged my wrists and my head. I looked in the mirror and examined myself more. “Oh God, my hair is so tangled. My Mom just did it this morning.” I was repositioning my epic hair.

  The Asian lady walked up to the mirror and looked down at my reflection. “If I were you, I'd quit worrying 'bout my aesthetics, and learn to be Avirgent.”

  “What the Hell does that mean? Learning to be Avirgent?”

  She inhaled and exhaled. And even sighed somehow when the cloud of smoke burst out of her mouth and floated in the air to the mirror in front of me.

  “I don't know, I just said that cause it ties in with the chapter title. See you in a couple of chapters. Oh yeah, and you smell like shit.”

  She walks out, leaving me there to wonder not only why she left when there's thousands of other initiates, but exactly why I am Avirgent...and what the Hell makes it so dangerous.

  CHAPTER 2: GO JUMP OFF A ROOF

  “We're going to go jump off of a roof because that makes us badass! Yeah!”

  Shouted one of the senior Trickers raising his fists along with the other seniors. His name was Noah and he had spiky red hair like flames.

  They stood near the edge of the roof with the wind nipping at our clothes, and snapping their biker jackets back and forth.

  The rest of us stood in terror, our bodies shaking. Not just because of our fear but because of how cold it suddenly became. I had found use for my sweater but they made us dress in tight short-shorts, and t-shirts. Because dressing light in frozen weather makes you badass apparently. But they were wearing warm clothing and a biker jacket. Assholes.

  One kid with glasses raises his hand. Noah yelled, “You there nerdy looking beta! Yeah, what the Hell do you want?!”

  “Um...um..how does jumping off of a roof make us brave? Or badass...or dauntless? I mean, that makes no freakin-”

  “Someone grab him up, and make him jump off of the fucking roof!”

  “Yeah!” shouted the senior Trickers.

  “No! No! I don't want to! I'm going to die!”

  “Well what a way to go out then I say! But don't worry, you're not going to die because there's a cushion beneath. You'll live.”

  “Really?”

  “Hell no. There's solid ground and man-eating Scorpions.”

  My face turned red. How the Hell did they survive that before?

  “The scorpions only makes it more badass. Only true Trickers can be called Trickers if they conjure up enough mental will-power to survive a 100 foot drop.”

  The kid in the glasses shook his head as some of the students cried for him.

  “I don't know man. That sounds like bunk to me. Willpower all you want, man cannot fall 100 feet off of a roof and-”

  They threw him off the roof and we heard his screams until they trailed away just as him. Soon, there was a thick thud.

  The seniors looked down and winced. “Shit,” said Noah. “He's right. Man cannot survive a 100 foot drop without at least some padding.”

  The girl next to Noah with pink hair said, “Was. Kid's all bones and blood now. You sure we're not getting in trouble for this?”

  He shook his head back and forth and looked between us and the floor. “Um, as long as we wipe him off, and act like this never happened, I would say so. Get Brutus and Magnus down there with ya, and put in the cushion.”

  I sighed, as the pink haired girl got Brutus and Magnus-two huge muscled up guys and went down-stairs. A half-hour later after they covered up their homicide,and a cushion was put in place.

  Noah stared us down as did the rest and said, “A 100 Foot drop is the ultimate test of courage. Never-mind that you can potentially fall and crack your head, never-mind that a violent wind can push you out of the cushion's way, and you can instead land on the spike of a fence. Never-mind that this is the most dangerous thing ever that doesn't make sense to most people.

  But that's just the thing. This doesn't make sense to most people. But it sure as Hell makes sense to us, and it will make more sense to you when you've finished! So we're going to jump off of this roof, not only because it makes us badass, but because it makes sense! Jumping off of a roof is a very brave act to do, and don't let those Smart-asses teach you any different! Now, may I hear an Amen?!”

  We didn't say Amen. Despite the cushion below, we were still scared for our lives.

  Christine had joined us soon after the cushion was put up, and she stood next to me.

  As they got the first initiate to fall down she said, “Sorry, we got off on the wrong foot to use a cliché.” She smiled, and offered her hand.

  “Let's be friends. I think we can both learn a thing or two from each other. Whatever I can learn from you girl...I don't know, but we'll see.”

  I nod and shake her hand. “Thank you, so what do you feel about this Tricker Initiation?”

  The boy in front of us had wild dark hair and screamed as they pushed him off of the roof when he didn't comply.

  “Next!” shouted Noah.

  Christine shook and hugged herself. “I don't know tumbleweed. I'm feeling the shakes, and the goosebumps scatter all around my body like some viral disease.”

  I put a finger to my chin like my Mom. “Yeah, we have a name for that, it's called syphilis. Sure you don't have it?”

  Christine gave me a plain faced stare. “I'm not even sure if syphilis gives you spots. I think a better joke would have been how cold it is. But these shakes aren't like the ones I feel when it's cold. It's different. It's like when I'm faced with my greatest fear and know that no matter what I do to fight it, I'll lose anyway. It happened with the spiders, with the snakes and even bowling balls.”

  “Bowling balls? You're afraid of bowling balls?”

  She nodded. “Yeah, they can crack your head in millions of pieces. My cousin-God rest his soul-” She shivered, and hugged herself tighter. “Was bowling one day, and some son of a bitch runs up and knocks him over his damn head with a bowling ball. He dropped instantly. Like, plop! Blood splattered
out of the back of his head, and everything. They even closed the bowling alley after that.”

  I grinned. “That's nice of them. If they were in Vain territory, we would have kept it open and then insulted him because of his inferior genes.”

  She began crying. I put my arm over her. “I'm so sorry Christine.”

  She wiped her tears away and said, “Thanks. I needed that. Especially since it never happened.”

  I was perplexed as she wiped the rest of her now fake tears away with a cloth.

  “Well, why did you lie about that?”

  She smiled, and put away the cloth. “To see if you weren't as transparent and cold as you

  put off. Maybe you're not so vain. You have empathy and feel for people. That's a good thing.”

  She looked at the next initiate in front of her who took the big drop. Christine wobbled a bit, composed herself and then said, “Make no mistake about it, I still don't feel like taking this drop.”

  “Yeah, I don't blame you. I'm really scared about my make-up coming off when I fall.”

  She pouted. “You're not worried about your life or anything? Just your make-up? Seriously?”

  “Yeah, I just acted like I was afraid of my life to swerve the reader.”

  She nodded with a smirk. “Yeah, that's a real fun way.” She rolled her eyes.

  “Up next, Christine Black!”

  Christine looked back at me just before she got to the edge. “Good luck tumbleweed.”

  They didn't force her to jump. She did, with her arms spread wide like a bird.

  I didn't see her drop to the cushion, but by the satisfied looks on the faces of the Seniors, they were pleased to see she had made it.

  Noah waved his hand at me. “Hey! Vain bitch! Get over here and prove your worth as the last and true initiate to the Tricker faction!”

  I tiptoed up to the ledge of the roof and looked down. Everything below looked like small ants and I couldn't even see the cushion.

  My heart beat fast and I already felt that weightless feeling before I fell. I felt like I had to throw up. But it was this, or death.

  “Damn it, just go or we'll make you,” said the pink haired girl with a bitchy voice.

  “Okay, okay. I'll go. I'll go.”

  I stood there for five more seconds. “Come on vain whore, don't tell me you're not used to jumping off of roofs! Heh.” Noah chuckled. “Hey, I bet you're used to this!”

  He smacked me on my ass, sending me to fall over 100 stories.

  “Aaaaaaaaaaah!” I screamed. My hair flapped in every direction and I didn't just feel my

  stomach leaving me, I felt all of my entrails and bones tear through my body and then enter me again like something phallic. Wait, that didn't sound right. Basically, I was scared shitless.

  Before I knew it, my face met the cushion.

  Every other initiate and senior picked me up and gave me a high five. “Thanks! Woo!”

  Noah and the pink haired girl had came down rather fast. I thought they jumped off of the roof but they-

  “Took the elevator while you jumped.”

  “I thought you guys were brave? Why couldn't you jump the building with us?”

  Noah chuckled along with the other seniors. “Hell no. We'd be stupid to try that twice. But it's a rush isn't it? Didn't you feel like you were gonna die?! But now you're alive! There's nothing better than feeling your life just one inch away from death, to the point where you shit and piss your pants. Damn, let me tell you, doing daredevil stunts changed my life for the better! Just like the next one ladies and germs!”

  He pointed at the pink haired girl. “Fuchsia, explain!”

  Fuchsia cleared her throat and said in a loud high pitched British accent, “If you thought jumping off of a roof was exhilarating, just wait until we jump out of plane and onto a train...with no parachutes! W00t!”

  “Fuck,” said Christine and I together, and every initiate including us collapsed to the floor with our legs in the air.

  CHAPTER 3: F#CK!

  If they didn't learn their lesson the first time, they learned it again when they sent several initiates out of the airplane and onto a moving train with no fucking parachute. Thanks to the wonders of the camera attached to their helmets, we saw one of the initiate boys scream and land onto a couple that were having...errm...that were, “being intimate with each other,” in a bush. Then a lion leaped out and ate them all. That was so sad, but that kid had inferior genes anyway.

  So they gave us parachutes. The rest of us survived the drop onto the moving train somehow, and we got inside the train. I felt like my heart would jump out of my chest and tell me enough is enough, but it kept beating and beating and-

  “Damn, what the Hell's wrong with them?” said Christine, huffing and puffing, taking a seat down in a booth to our left. I sat across from her, and there was a table separating us. I looked outside and saw my old hometown of wherever the Hell I was in Chicago, zoom by like a movie reel.

  “Goodbye Vain, I'll miss thee.” I blew kisses to outside and Christine chuckled.

  “What are you laughing for? Why are you always chuckling?”

  “Girl, I think I explained that to you already. You're so jaded. You fit your role perfectly I suppose, but if you don't get more than two dimensions by the time this is over then I will feel very pissed.”

  That same old guy in a suit and shades walks up to our booth and says, “Spoiler alert! Neither of you develop into three dimensional characters. Thank you very much and enjoy your ride to the Daunt-er-I mean, the “Tricker,” facility where you both will live terrible lives and go on from there to experience contrived plot-twists that don't make sense.”

  He straightened his suit and walked down the aisle waving hello to the other initiates in their booth.

  Christine raised her brows at me. “That...was weird. Hey, how come everyone keeps acting like this is a book? Or a movie? We're in real life, aren't we?”

  I smiled. “Yeah, of course. All that talk about this being some fictional book is just to have fun. It's a weird thing with everyone in this part of town. We'll probably run into some others along the way.”

  She winced. “That's a weird idea of fun if you ask-”

  “AAAAAH!” screamed an initiate from down the Hall.

  Christine and I poked our heads out of the booth and peered into the far left corner behind her. A tall blonde kid with big muscles and slicked back hair held up that same handsome brunette guy we saw earlier jumping from the roof with us. The handsome brunette guy said, “Yo,I did nothing to you!”

  The blonde kid said, “Exactly! That's why I'm picking on you! LOL!”

  “What the Hell man?! What are you? Some psychopath?”

  The blonde guy laughed and so did his friends who mysteriously appeared behind him.

  Some lanky ginger girl behind him said, “He thinks it's cause you're a psychopath, and not because he looks like a beta-whipped pussy!”

  The group laughed again. I shook my head and leaned back. “Oh well, never get into business that's not yours I say.”

  “Screw that,” said Christine. “Ain't no one bullying anyone here.” She got up, and walked over to them, her fists balled. I thought she was stupid, but whatever. She's black, and their kind usually seem pretty strong anyway.

  “What do you guys think you're doing?” said Christine, her voice rough.

  The blonde guy smirked and said, “Beating up on a beta, what do you think? What are you doing?”

  She folded her arms. “Stopping you from beating up on a Beta.”

  “Oh yeah? And how?”

  “By doing this.”

  She punched the girl next to the blonde guy in the face, knocking her out cold on the floor, and blood dribbled out of her nose like ketchup. I hated ketchup.

  The blonde guy nodded and said, “Cool. You can knock a bitch out. I don't see how that will stop me from beating this guy up, but cool.” He let go of the brunette guy and the brunette guy fell back
down to his seat, massaging his throat.

  The blonde guy held out a big meaty hand while his friends dragged the knocked out girl to the booth next to them. “My name's Limp Ussy. What's yours?”

  I saw Christine move back. “Eww. You nasty. What are you doing going around telling people that your name is...oh never-mind. I'm Christine, but I'm not shaking your hand. Just letting you know that I don't tolerate bullying and I will put a stop to you whenever.”

  Limp Ussy nodded and said, “Great, and I'll continue to be the generic YA bully who randomly becomes a good-guy for no other reason than the fact that the author wants me to seek redemption, even though I shouldn't after all the horrible shit I did. Happy?”

  “Yeah. Just stay out of my way. And his.”

  She nodded down to the brunette guy, looking up at them with eyes like a scared little kid. He looked so cute.

  Limp Ussy scoffed. “Heh. Yeah right.” He shoved Christine aside and his entire crew walked into the other train-car behind them.

  Christine sighed and looked down at the brunette kid. “What's your name tumbleweed?”

  “What?”

  “Oh, it's just this thing I have. So come on,” she sat down across from him, and waved me to come over. God, it was so far away and I didn't want to drag my legs. I wish I had the robot in my house that took us upstairs and downstairs and across halls. I know I didn't reference it earlier but trust me, there is a robot in my house.

  “Sorry, I don't want to get up. I'd rather stay here and yell.”

  She leered at me. “Girl, get your ass over here before I drag you!”

  She was like an angry black woman then, and I didn't want to piss off an angry black woman. My Dad did and he got his ass kicked by one carrying a cane in her hand.

  So I got my ass over there before she dragged me, and I sat next to her. At least I could see that cute brunette kid. I found myself flustered in front of him. He had sharp European facial features and cherry-pink lips. His teeth were bright white. He was so hot.