All the Things I Meant to Tell You

by Tiffany L. Warren

  “Okay, now you’re laying it on thick. What’s going on with you?” Kimberly asked. “Your therapist prescribe you some good meds?”

  Twila shook her head. “Nope. I’m just feeling a little better about things. Have you ever heard of cognitive behavior therapy?”

  “No, what is that?”

  “It’s what my therapist has me doing. Reliving the trauma that happened to me over and over again until it doesn’t impact me anymore.”

  “What the hell happened to you that you have to do that?” Kimberly asked, hoping that this time Twila would tell her the truth.

  “I was raped.”

  “What? Oh, my goodness when?” Kimberly took Twila’s hand and squeezed.

  “Two years ago. At Club Phenom.”

  “That’s why you started taking the self-defense classes? The weapons?”

  Twila nodded. “Yeah, I needed to feel safe.”

  “What made you start therapy now, though? Why not right after it happened?”

  Twila gave Kimberly a half smile. “See, this is why I took so long to tell you. You get all down in the nitty gritty of the details.”

  “Well, girl, you know I need the whole scoop.”

  “He lives in my subdivision. I saw him one day when I was running, and I almost went into a full-blown depression. It’s why I moved in with Hahna.”

  “Shit. What are we going to do?”

  “For now, nothing. I have the guy’s identity, and I’m working through it.”

  “We need a plan, though.”

  “We don’t. You’re planning a wedding, Hahna’s planning a comeback. We don’t need a plan for this.”

  Kimberly picked up the menu on the table and flipped it over twice. She didn’t even need a menu, because she knew this one by heart. It wasn’t in her character to not get to work resolving a problem.

  Hahna rushed into the restaurant with her curls flying and cheeks flushed. She looked like she’d been crying.

  “What’s wrong?” Kimberly said instead of extending a greeting.

  “Nothing is wrong with me. Well, maybe everything is wrong,” Hahna said. She hugged Kimberly and Twila and plopped down.

  “Speak on it,” Twila said, “so Kimberly can stop trying to fix my life.”

  “I’m not,” Kimberly said.

  “Yes, you are. I can see your brain cells formulating a solution.”

  “Okay, you’re right.”

  “I know I’m right,” Twila said. “So, fix Hahna.”

  “I don’t need fixing,” Hahna said. “I said something stupid and hurt a friend. It’s fine, though, I’ve apologized.”

  Kimberly and Twila stared at Hahna, waiting for her to elaborate. Hahna stared right back.

  “I’m not telling y’all what happened. We’re here to talk about the wedding,” Hahna said.

  She reached into her bag and pulled out her tablet and pressed the screen a few times.

  “This is the color and fabric of dress we decided upon. The designer is Vashena, and we can buy online or go into boutiques to order,” Hahna explained as she passed the tablet to Kimberly.

  “How much are the dresses?” Kimberly asked.

  “They start around three fifty,” Twila said. “Some of the variations top out at around six hundred.”

  “Six hundred for a bridesmaid dress?” Kimberly said. “That is a lot.”

  “It’s reasonable. Prom dresses are more than this,” Hahna said. “We do realize that Debbie and Samantha might need help paying for theirs. We’re willing to help.”

  “Here’s the thing with Samantha though,” Twila said. “It’s not that she can’t make a way to spend the money, she just doesn’t want to. She’s not broke. Debbie has kids and deadbeat daddies. What the hell is Samantha spending her money on?”

  “Definitely not clothes, shoes, or her car?” Hahna said. “Her retirement account must be on swole.”

  Kimberly sat quietly waiting for Hahna and Twila to run out of steam with their insults on Samantha. Kimberly was still upset about Samantha’s judgey statements, but listening to Hahna and Twila, maybe some of it was closer to the truth than she was willing to admit.

  “Samantha dropped out of the bridal party,” Kimberly said.

  “I knew she was gonna do this shit,” Twila said. “Let her go.”

  “What was the reason she gave?” Hahna asked.

  “I’m not even sure of her reason. I asked her if she wanted to do the bridal shower and she just kind of went off on a tangent about strippers and Jesus.”

  Kimberly decided to leave out Samantha’s specific issues about Twila and Hahna. That was nothing more than jealousy, and it wouldn’t help anything. It would only cause more drama.

  “She’s just mad that you didn’t ask her to be Maid of Honor,” Hahna said. “I can’t believe that she dropped out.”

  “I think it’s about more than that. I blame myself for some of it. I’m a different version of myself when I’m with her,” Kimberly said. “I feel like I’m being fake sometimes.”

  “Why? Because you don’t talk about men and sex around her? Because you don’t cuss around her?” Twila asked. “That’s not being fake. That’s respecting the boundaries of that relationship.”

  “She doesn’t see it that way. She thinks that because I am open to strippers at my bachelorette party that I’m going to hell.”

  “We don’t have to have strippers,” Hahna said. “I mean I don’t know what she was expecting, but it wasn’t going to be all that raunchy.”

  “She’s an evangelist, Hahna. She preaches and teaches the women’s Sunday school. She’s not going to be a part of anything with a stripper,” Kimberly said.

  “But here’s the thing. No one is requiring that of her,” Twila said. “We all understand and modify our behavior around her. No one would’ve been angry if she didn’t come to that.”

  “I just don’t want to lose her as a friend behind a bachelorette party. She’s a bit judgey, but she’s a prayer warrior. When y’all are ready to ride or die, she’s on her face praying.”

  “We all love her,” Hahna said. “She wants you to value her friendship above ours, though. And that’s where I have the issue.”

  “Do you think she could be lowkey jealous that you’re even getting married?” Twila asked. “I think she’s just resigned herself to being saved and single, and that you two would be going to women’s retreats together for Jesus until y’all get old.”

  Kimberly hadn’t thought about this possibility at all. Was Samantha hiding her jealousy behind her righteousness? They had always been the plus-sized friends with no or few dating prospects. Samantha had made peace with that for her life, but Kimberly never had.

  “Do we know anyone we can hook her up with?” Hahna said. “Maybe she just needs a date.”

  “I wouldn’t inflict that upon any brotha I know.”

  “She’s brilliant and pretty,” Hahna said.

  “But she’s gonna show up on the first date wearing her evangelist collar around her neck. She’s too anointed for all the guys I know.”

  Kimberly shook her head. “We don’t need to find her a date, but I don’t want to leave things this way. I just don’t know what to do about it.”

  “You should do what Samantha would do,” Hahna said. “You should pray about it.”

  “You’re right. What else do you want to show me on this tablet?”

  Hahna swiped to a different page. “Here are potential shoes and accessories. Do you want to be uniform with all of these?”

  “No. We don’t have to be uniform, but can you all approve everyone’s selections? Most of us have good taste, but . . .”

  “We won’t let Debbie wear stripper shoes,” Twila said.

  “Thank you.”

  “Do we need to help anyone with travel? We’re almost to November, and the wedding is in March,” Hahna said. “We should be getting airfare. Does everyone have a passport?”

  “If a grown woman in her damn for
ties doesn’t have a passport,” Twila said. “I’m throwing the whole heffa away.”

  Kimberly exhaled through her nose. She was sure that Samantha didn’t have a passport. She didn’t travel much. She’d talked about taking a trip to the Holy Land, but the church had cancelled the trip for lack of interest.

  “Hahna, maybe you can poll all the ladies on that,” Kimberly said. “Just to make sure.”

  “Should I include Samantha in these communications?”

  Kimberly nodded. “She didn’t announce to you guys that she dropped out of the bridal party, so just keep her in the loop in case she changes her mind.”

  Twila rolled her eyes. “Let her ass go, for real. I know y’all are close, but she’s irritating.”

  Kimberly made eye contact with Hahna, and Hahna nodded.

  “Y’all think I didn’t see that little look,” Twila said. “I always see those looks.”

  “No, you don’t, ’cause we’re slick with them,” Kimberly said.

  “Okay,” Twila said.

  “For real though, we can’t just act like Samantha isn’t important,” Hahna said. “She’s our line sister. We don’t leave our sisters behind.”

  “She is important,” Kimberly said. “But I don’t know how to get her past the hurt feelings.”

  “Why don’t you let me try?” Hahna said.

  “Be my guest.”

  Kimberly trusted Hahna to at least help and not hurt. She wondered if that would be enough to fix what she’d broken.

  Chapter 34

  HAHNA

  Samantha had ignored every one of my calls and texts about the wedding, so I was going to corner her somewhere I knew she’d be. The Women’s Ministry meeting at church.

  When she walked into the sanctuary, I started walking in her direction. As soon as she saw me, she looked over her shoulder at the door as if she was contemplating an escape. I definitely could run faster than she could, so if she wanted to make a break for it, I would give chase. I didn’t like how sad Kimberly’s face looked just because this heffa was trying to ruin her wedding plans.

  “Hey there Evangelist Samantha,” I said loudly so that the other women in the church could hear me.

  She rolled her eyes as I closed the space between us. She could be annoyed if she wanted to, but this was one conflict she wasn’t running away from.

  “Praise the Lord, Hahna.” If she had said that any drier, she would’ve choked on the words.

  “Yes. He’s worthy!”

  I might’ve been a sinner from time to time, but I could out-church the churchiest of them all. We could go back and forth with church greetings all night, or we could have a conversation.

  “Surprised to see you out tonight. You haven’t been at the ministry meetings in over a year.”

  The church shade was real.

  “Well you know . . . the Lord blessed me with the gift of giving. When I can make it into the building, I also give my time,” I said.

  “Mmm-hmm, well, like I said, good to see you in the house of the Lord.”

  “I wondered if I might have a word with you in the foyer.”

  Samantha looked up at the clock on the wall. “We start in a few minutes. We might have to wait until a better time.”

  “This will only take a few minutes. I haven’t been able to catch you by phone or text . . .”

  “I was probably working.”

  “Then, I’d appreciate if I can just have a few moments now. You know the bible says, when you have an issue with your sister, you should come to her.”

  I knew this would get the attention of the nosy women’s ministry members. Several of them pretended not to be listening but had leaned a little closer to me and Samantha. Wasn’t nothing like church gossip. If we had the conversation in their hearing, the whole church board would know about it before we got home.

  Samantha gave me a frustrated glare but turned and left the sanctuary. I followed her.

  “What is it, Hahna?” she asked as the sanctuary doors closed.

  She had dropped her syrupy-sweet Evangelist Samantha tone and got right down to the Samantha I knew.

  “I just wanted to make sure everything was okay with you. You haven’t responded to any of the bridesmaid communications. Do you need help with paying for anything? How can I help?”

  “Kimberly didn’t tell you? I’m no longer in the wedding.”

  I gave my best fake surprised face. “What? Why aren’t you in the wedding? Did you and Kimberly have a disagreement?”

  “No, we didn’t. I don’t fit in with the rest of you, and I don’t want to force it. I’m fine just being her friend.”

  “How do you not fit in with the rest of us?”

  “I don’t want to do any of the things you all have planned. I’m not going to get all glam with makeup artists, weave, and fake lashes.”

  “Do you think Kimberly doesn’t know this about you? She knows exactly who you are, and she still asked you to be one of her bridesmaids.”

  “She asked me to be a bridesmaid because we are line sisters in Gamma Phi Gamma.”

  “You really think that’s the only reason? You’re her prayer partner, Samantha. And you’re always there when she needs you. Heck, when any of us need you. You were there for me.”

  Samantha chuckled. “Oh, I get it. You’re the emissary from the bride tribe. You’re here to get me back into the fold. You might first want to go lie on the altar and repent for your sins before launching this kind of mission in His house.”

  I knew she was going to say something offensive at some point. Jesus was her defense mechanism. She thought when the bible said to put on the full armor of God that meant she was supposed to take shots in the name of Jesus.

  “I die daily. Isn’t that what Paul said. But this isn’t really about the status of my soul. It’s about your friendship with Kimberly. Don’t give that up because you have to sit out of a couple events during the wedding shenanigans. Everyone respects you for being principled.”

  “It doesn’t feel like respect. I honestly feel bullied. It’s a hostile environment around y’all,” Samantha said. “Everyone drinks alcohol, curses, and talks about all manner of nasty things. I don’t want any part of that. I was afraid that if Jesus had come back while we were having that bridesmaid’s meeting that I was going to be left behind.”

  “Oh, my goodness.”

  “I’m exaggerating of course, but you get it. I just don’t like any of those behaviors, and I’m not going to pretend I’m okay with it for Gamma Phi Gamma, Kimberly, or anything else.”

  “What if I told you that we would have at least one bridesmaid’s meeting a month right here at the church?”

  “Really?”

  “Yes. As long as you don’t try to preach to everyone. When they’re in the house of the Lord, no one will do any of those behaviors.”

  “Not even Debbie?”

  I swallowed. I couldn’t make any promises about Debbie. She was the wild card.

  “Lemme say this. Debbie grew up in church like the rest of us. She’s not gonna be disrespectful in a church.”

  Samantha stared at me.

  “Or at least, I don’t think she will,” I added. “But the rest of us will be fine.”

  “I still want y’all to live right and repent. That message doesn’t change.”

  “I’m not saying your message should change. Just meet everybody where they are. Some of us could really use some of your prayers right now, to be honest.”

  “Like whom?”

  “Well, I’m not going to say who, but someone in the group was sexually assaulted a couple years ago, and she is having a hard time getting over it.”

  Samantha threw her hand over her mouth. “The blood of Jesus. I will send prayers up.”

  “So, if we have the next bridesmaid’s meeting here next week between Sunday services, do you think that will work?”

  Samantha took a long pause before responding.

  “Come on, Samantha. I am my
sister.”

  “I know. My sister and I are one.”

  “Don’t break the sisterhood.”

  “Okay, I’ll stay in the wedding. And I’ll do the bridal shower too. We can have it here at the church. The ladies in the singles’ ministry would like to host.”

  Lord, I was going to have to sell this hard to the rest of the bridesmaids. The bridesmaid’s meetings, the bridal shower, all of it. But at least Kimberly would be happy. We hadn’t left one of our sisters behind, and the sisterhood was intact. Kimberly didn’t need this stress anyway. She had enough on her plate dealing with Sabrina—the ex-wife from hell.

  Chapter 35

  KIMBERLY

  Even though Kimberly hadn’t officially agreed to participate, Sabrina had continued to push the issue of family counseling with Ron. She had made it a contingency for Ron picking up the girls for Thanksgiving, which was three weeks away. Kimberly was only going for Ron’s benefit. She didn’t give a damn about Sabrina’s comfort or any other feeling she had.

  The counselor, a woman named Dr. Washington, could’ve been Sabrina’s sister. She had the same long dark hair and the same super thin yoga build. Carly and Kayla weren’t at the session, so it was just Kimberly, Ron, and Sabrina.

  The doctor’s office was small but felt even smaller with all of the tension in the room. Since Sabrina had situated herself on the biggest couch in the room, Ron and Kimberly were crowded into a loveseat. It would’ve made sense for her to choose the smaller seat since her husband hadn’t come, but Kimberly was sure she wanted them to feel discomfort. At least the room was brightly lit and scented with candles. That part helped to calm Kimberly’s nerves a bit, if not completely.

  “Sabrina, your husband, Frank, wasn’t able to make it?” Dr. Washington asked at the beginning of the session.

  “He doesn’t feel comfortable meeting with Ron until we deal with a few things first. He feels we need to level set without him, and he’ll join at a later date,” Sabrina said.

  Kimberly’s face twisted into a scowl. This was Sabrina trying to take control again. She was dictating both Kimberly and Ron’s actions, and they weren’t receiving any reciprocity. This was Sabrina letting everyone know she was in the driver’s seat.