An Unsuitable Mother

by Sheelagh Kelly

  The little breath she uttered could not suitably convey the overwhelming depth of Nell’s relief. Tears shimmered, and her voice caught as she reached out to thank him.

  Then, at the last moment, she faltered. ‘But you’ll do it with good heart, won’t you? Not let her back in then cut her off emotionally, as my parents did to me, because that would almost be as bad as throwing her out. Believe me.’

  ‘It won’t be all nicey-nicey forgive and forget,’ warned Joe. ‘I’m still mad as hell with her –’

  ‘But that baby girl’s done nothing.’

  ‘No, and that’s why I’ll do me best to reach some sort of normality, because the insults that poor little devil’s going to face, with her mother not being married, well, she’ll need all the support she can get.’ With a last sigh, he tilted his head at the stairs. ‘Feeding time at the zoo must’ve finished by now, she must be frightened to come down and interrupt us. You’d better go fetch her – that’s if everything’s been said between us?’

  Nell wanted to add all manner of things, but they sounded too trite, and they had both been sufficiently candid to achieve a new understanding of each other. Immensely grateful, and fluttering with excitement, she gave Joe her best smile and moved to obey.

  Shortly, she reappeared carrying their granddaughter, and accompanied by Nina. The latter opened her mouth to thank her father, but Joe held up his palm and gave her a look that conveyed she was still on probation.

  Considering herself lucky, Nina sat down and remained silent, until her mother asked: ‘So what’ve you decided to call her then?’

  ‘Romy.’

  Joe puffed out his cheeks and shook his head in despair.

  But Nell retained her smile as she cradled the sleeping baby. ‘That’s nice – unusual. Any particular reason?’

  Nina reached out a finger to smooth the golden fluff on her daughter’s head. ‘No, it was just a film I saw with this actress called Romy Schneider – I liked it.’

  The smile frozen on her lips, Nell dared not look at her husband for fear of seeing a glint of comeuppance. She had no right to feel jealous, for was it not natural that Nina would recall her German mother; her real mother. But oh, how painful was the sting, after she had wrung herself inside out these past months for the one she called daughter.

  19

  It was as difficult as they had expected, and more besides, to venture out that first time and present this illegitimate offspring to the world.

  Joe displayed bravado, and said, ‘Well, if we’re going to do this, we’ll do it in style!’ and he had forked out for a Silver Cross pram.

  Nell spent a great deal too, on pretty clothes for the baby, its mother, and herself. But all this did was attract criticism from people who might otherwise have sympathised, and there were audible whispers at the brazen nature of that first parade.

  ‘I’d want to keep her well out of sight if it were my daughter, wouldn’t you?’ sniped one woman to another as the entourage passed them by in the street, both of whom Nell had formerly liked and had chatted with before.

  ‘Take no notice,’ warned a stiff-necked Joe. ‘Just let them dare say it to my face …’

  None of them did, of course, and some of the neighbours were in fact very sweet about it, Shirley’s parents amongst them, coming forth with knitted gifts – though this in itself did not please Joe, for to him it smacked of condescension. And, perhaps for this reason, having made his point, he was not to accompany his women after that.

  Nell continued to run the gauntlet, though, for it must be hard for one so young as Nina to bear such denunciation. Concerned not to serve any of the latter at home, guessing how strange she must feel in her new role, for those first few weeks Nell devoted herself to the care of mother and baby, making sure the former was well-nourished, taking charge of the little one – when Nina would let her – to ensure her mother caught up on lost sleep. Anxious, too, not to be accused of taking over, Nell had managed to withhold any criticism over the way the teenager handled routine tasks, such as nappy-changing and bathing – in fact, Nina had given her little cause, for she had adapted to motherhood remarkably well. Even so, in the hostile world outside, when the grandmother asked, ‘May I push the pram for a bit?’ Nina seemed relieved to let her. At least until they were away from dagger looks.

  As weeks went by, though, and the insulting behaviour continued, Nina appeared to harden against her detractors, and began to stride out with her nose in the air as she wheeled her glossy, deep-bellied vehicle, even seemed to take delight when some old lady paused to admire the baby and ask in all innocence, was this her little sister? At which she would retort with a slightly hostile smile, ‘No, she’s mine!’ – and seem to enjoy their embarrassment as they backed away.

  Nell shared that embarrassment, made painfully aware now why her own mother had not wanted to go through such humiliation. With maturity too, she had come to understand why her adoptive father had been so cruel: he had been punishing her for his wife’s infidelity, had been unable to throw words like slut at the woman he adored, so, with no other outlet for his sense of betrayal, he had vented it on Nell. She understood both their vulnerabilities much better now, and could forgive them. For she was in no rush to broadcast Romy’s birth to her own relatives, even by letter, only her closest confidants attending the christening.

  But really, were all these misgivings so bad when compared to the joy of having a grandchild? And when all was said and done, she could tell Nina was putting on an act, pretending she didn’t care when in fact it hurt like mad that she was so looked down upon. Nell, too, felt hurt for all her loved ones: Nina, Joe, and that dear little baby. What worried her most of all, though, was that Nina had forfeited the opportunity to go out and be a normal teenager.

  ‘She’s not a teenager now.’ Joe was blunt. ‘She’s a mother, she’s got responsibilities.’

  ‘And she knows that! She’s a smashing little mother, so calm and patient – there aren’t many ten-week old babies who sleep through the night, and that’s all down to the way Nina handles her.’

  Joe grudgingly agreed. ‘Aye, well, I did expect to have a lot more broken nights than we’ve had.’ Whilst still tiny enough, the baby slept in her pram downstairs. ‘I just wish she wasn’t up and about when I have to do early shift – speaking of which, isn’t it about time me lass was looking for a job? That was the deal. I agreed to her keeping Romy, but she has to support her.’

  ‘And she will!’ objected Nell. ‘But even those with legitimate children are allowed to have a bit of enjoyment from time to time. I’m only suggesting one night out a week. Once she starts back at work she’ll probably be too tired to go anywhere.’

  Joe shook his head, looking beaten as usual. ‘What if she gets into trouble again?’

  ‘Are you really so bloody insensitive?’ Nell held his eye.

  Joe’s expression admitted this was unlikely. ‘I just worry about her.’

  ‘And I don’t?’

  ‘Not in the way I do. You don’t know blokes. Once they think she’s loose –’

  ‘I know well enough! But she has to learn to look after herself, and she deserves a bit of light-heartedness after all she’s been through.’ Conversant with the way their daughter must be feeling, Nell urged him to allow her some leeway. ‘She accepts she’s made a mistake. She won’t make the same one twice.’

  ‘Well, I suppose you’d know …’ He saw Nell’s eyes sharpen. ‘I didn’t mean that, you dateless bugger. I were just meaning you seem to understand what lasses want.’

  ‘And what would that be?’ Silently, Nina had reappeared from feeding Romy, carrying the baby with her, and laying her in the pram that took up most of the dining area.

  ‘Bloody hell, I’m going to buy you some hobnailed boots so I can enjoy a private conversation. Your mother was just saying you could do with a night out – before you get a job, like.’

  Nina’s hackles rose. ‘I have been looking.’

  ‘I
t wasn’t a jibe, keep your wig on!’

  Nell jumped in, assuring Nina that the offer was genuine, making sure she knew how much they trusted her not to do anything stupid again. ‘You haven’t seen Shirley for ages …’

  ‘No, well, she’s not interested in babies.’ Although the first to come and inspect the child, her friend’s visits had tailed off.

  ‘Well, why don’t you see if she’s going to a dance or something,’ urged Nell. ‘Now Romy’s on a bottle and sleeping through, she won’t get us up even if you’re late in.’

  ‘Hang on,’ Joe frowned. ‘I didn’t agree to her stopping out all night.’

  ‘She won’t be, will you?’

  More cheerful now, Nina gave a firm shake of her head. ‘Can I just nip and see if Shirley’s off to t’Boulevard on Saturday?’

  ‘If you can be home by eleven,’ said her father. And, when she looked thwarted. ‘It’s that or nowt.’

  * * *

  Eager to help Nina recapture some of her youth, on Saturday morning whilst Joe was in his shed, Nell slipped three pound notes into her daughter’s hand and whispered for her to nip into town. ‘I’ll look after Romy, go and buy that dress with the chiffon sleeves you saw in Bradmore’s! The blue one not the black one, we don’t want you looking as if you’re going to a funeral.’

  Nevertheless, there was to be a slightly funereal air about Nina when she arrived home almost an hour earlier than the eleven o’clock deadline, upon entrance going straight to the pram to inspect Romy. Looking generally fed up, she told her parents, ‘Shirley met up with her boyfriend, so I left them to it.’

  Nell sympathised. ‘Did you have a good time until then?’

  ‘So-so. Has she been good?’ Her glum expression slowly taken over by adoration, she dipped her hands into the pram.

  ‘Oh, don’t, love! I’ve just got her off after her ten o’clock bottle.’

  Slightly peeved, Nina glanced at the clock. ‘I rushed home to give her it.’

  ‘We said not to!’ Nell was bright as she rose to her feet. ‘You should have made the most of it. Come on, I’ll make you a cup of something – ooh, you do look nice in that dress!’

  Nina allowed herself to be torn away from the pram. Leaving Joe watching the TV, she and her mother went into the kitchen, where, masked by the sound of the boiling kettle, Nina confided, ‘That was only half the tale. I got stuck with Shirley’s boyfriend’s mate – a right drip he was. I left him to it.’

  Nell bit her lip as she spooned Horlicks into mugs. ‘What did Shirley have to say?’

  ‘Nowt, she was too busy with Mr Wonderful,’ came the sullen reply.

  ‘I think I’ve seen her with him,’ said her mother. ‘Is he the one with Clark Gable looks?’

  ‘If you mean big lugs and a rubbery face, then yes. I can’t think what she sees in him – and his friend was even more gruesome.’

  ‘Oh, don’t say that, the poor lad …’ Sounding reproachful, Nell thought of her own son, adding, ‘Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.’

  ‘Well, put it this way, there’s ugly attractive and there’s just plain bloody ugly. I’ll let you guess which one he was. Anyway, that looks like the end of my nights out,’ her statement concluded in a heavy sigh.

  ‘Not necessarily!’ Nell tried to inject encouragement. ‘There’ll be somebody else you can go with – what about Bridget?’

  ‘Mm, I could see if she’s going to New Earswick Bop on Tuesday, I suppose.’ Nina sounded bored, the fingers of her right hand absently stroking her left arm in its blue chiffon sleeve.

  Nell risked a question. ‘Do you ever see Romy’s father on your travels?’

  Immediately her daughter’s hackles rose. ‘No, and I don’t want to.’

  ‘He might like to know about her. I wish I’d told Bill …’ By now, having shared so much, Nell had divulged the rest of her own story to Nina.

  ‘He does know! Mam, stop being so innocent. Your baby’s father might have really loved you, but that bugger isn’t bothered!’ The tears of rejection were not for herself but for her daughter. ‘Anyway, I’m fagged. I’ll take that up to bed with me.’ Hooking her fingers through the mug, she made for the stairs. ‘’Night.’

  ‘’Night, love,’ murmured Nell, watching her go.

  With Shirley totally occupied with her boyfriend, Nina was to have little luck with her second-best friend either. In fact, Bridget turned out to be not much of a friend at all.

  ‘She’s so childish,’ complained Nina, arriving home prematurely again, in the dress that seemed to bring bad luck. ‘I don’t know what I ever saw in her. Giggling and carrying on …’ But she did not immediately elaborate, for the giggles had been at her expense, and had accompanied some unpalatable truths about the way others regarded her. ‘I don’t think I’ll bother going out again – least, not with any of them. There’s no point spending good money to be in the company of prats.’

  ‘I’ll agree with you there,’ said her father. ‘What about this job then, have you made a start on looking?’

  ‘Yep.’ As ever, Nina’s first instinct had been to go to the pram. Finding Romy awake, she beamed and picked her up to cuddle and coo to her. Watching such devotion, Nell felt a wave of envy, but fought it. She would soon have Romy to herself all day long.

  ‘Well, just let me know when to hand in my notice.’ Nell sounded bright at the prospect, and asked, ‘Have you applied for anything interesting?’

  ‘Only ones that pay good money.’

  Joe sought to warn his daughter. ‘Beggars can’t be choosers, you know. Expect a few rejections once a prospective employer knows you’ve got a bairn.’

  ‘What business is it of theirs?’ Nina shot back at him immediately, her eyes resentful as she pressed a kiss to the baby’s head, and her arms protective.

  ‘See!’ said her father. ‘You’re jumping to conclusions already, assuming I meant about you being unwed! What I meant was, as soon as they know you’ve got a bairn to look after, who might fall ill, or take you away from your job, they won’t want to hire you. All I’m saying is be prepared for that.’

  Nell suffered a flashback to her mother, who had always been prepared for any emergency, apart from an illegitimate grandson. What was William doing with his life now? At twenty-three, he would surely have a girlfriend, or a wife. Maybe even a child.

  Nina was still arguing with her father. ‘I am prepared! I’ve got ten lined up, or at least I’ve got the letters ready to post. If I don’t get the one I’m really after at Rowntrees offices –’

  ‘Ah, you might be in with a chance there!’ Joe’s outlook changed. ‘They’re very good to their employees – as long as you don’t go in with that bolshy attitude of yours.’

  ‘They can take me or leave me,’ retorted Nina, to his groan of dismay.

  Nell cut in again. ‘Well, as I said, let me know in good time when to hand in my notice. In fact I think I might do it tomorrow, I can’t wait to get my hands on that little choochy face!’ She reached out to tickle Romy. ‘We’ll have to get you some new clothes for work, Neen – come to town on Saturday and I’ll treat you!’

  It was good to see her daughter enjoying herself after so much trial. The pram laden up with carrier-bags of clothes, Nell was happy as they made their way home from town, especially as Nina’s prime application had resulted in interview. On the way, they popped into a newsagent’s to buy sweets and magazines. Whilst selecting the latter, Nell noticed a youth wander up to Nina and start chatting. He was a good-looking boy with a warm smile. Lingering over the row of magazines, Nell smiled, feeling pleased that a young man was taking interest, and admiring the way he leaned against the window and flirted with Nina. Was William able to converse so easily with girls?

  She watched for a while longer, fearing the youth might be unaware that he was chatting up a young mother – for Romy’s pram was several feet away – and hoping he would not run off when he learned the truth. There came a time, though, when it would look suspici
ous if she continued to linger, and she was forced to make her purchases and exit. Nina was facing away from her, though she appeared to be chatting quite amicably. Regretting that she was about to spoil this happy interlude for her, Nell made hesitant approach, then heard her say:

  ‘You really fancy yourself, don’t you?’

  ‘Not as much as I fancy you,’ flirted the boy.

  ‘Has anyone ever told you, you’ve got a face like Paul McCartney’s?’

  ‘Do you reckon?’ He sounded pleased.

  ‘Yeah – Paul McCartney’s arse.’

  Nell heard the youth mutter something derogatory as he launched himself away, and she herself came forth. ‘That was a bit cruel, Neen.’

  Her mother’s soft reproof took Nina by surprise. She turned and reddened. ‘He was asking for it,’ she muttered, and went to snap the brake off the pram, Nell catching up to walk alongside her.

  ‘You won’t get many boyfriends if you speak to them like that.’ She wondered bleakly whether a female had broken William’s heart in such cavalier manner, and was still cogitating when Nina turned on her:

  ‘You didn’t hear what he was saying to me!’

  Nell’s lips parted in surprise. ‘Why, what –’

  ‘Too crude for your ears!’

  ‘But he looked so nice …’ Nell appeared confused, then remembering how Nina could overreact to her father, said, ‘Are you sure you didn’t misinterpret –?’

  ‘All right! I wasn’t going to tell you, but if you really want to know – they all think I’m a scrubber! Every lad on earth seems to think I’m free game, that they’ve got a right to grope me, or to say what they like – satisfied?’ Nina’s pace alternated, one minute practically come to a halt, the next her high heels performing a tattoo along the pavement.

  ‘No!’ Nell was disbelieving, also aghast.