An Unsuitable Mother

by Sheelagh Kelly

  As if that first Christmas without Joe wasn’t bad enough, they had to put up with Hayden, whom Nina suspected was still giving Romy the run-around, but as Romy would not hear a bad word against him, they all had to be polite at the dinner table, for her sake. Somehow, Nell managed to get through it, and once the echo of other people’s ‘Auld Lang Syne’ had died away, she resolved to try and make a life for herself without her dear companion. They all missed Joe like mad, of course – including Beata, who felt very susceptible these days at being the last one in the slot – but they were able to reminisce about him on the anniversary of his death without causing too much hurt to each other. And, one way or another, Nell was to carry on down the years, though she doubted she would have been able to do so without Nina and Romy to give her life meaning. If only she could wave a magic wand for them, for as much as Nina’s career remained on a high, she could not be truly contented whilst her daughter was unfulfilled.

  Then, one memorable day, just as Nell had grown used to having Hayden around, rogue that he might be, an excited Nina phoned up to say that Romy was leaving him! He had cheated on her for the last time. She sounded triumphant and relieved that her daughter was rid of the man who had hurt her, as was Nell, yet on the other hand, ‘It’s awful, the poor little bugger’s heartbroken.’

  ‘She must be …’ Nell’s eyes welled up. ‘Wasting the best part of her youth on that sod, when she could have been with someone who made her happy …’ She pondered for a moment, before emitting brightly, ‘Well, at least she can get on with her life. What now, then, for our golden girl?’

  ‘She’s packing up and moving in with a friend – a girl friend, I hasten to say. I asked her to come and live with me, but she likes it where she works and doesn’t want to have to commute.’

  ‘But, she’ll still be coming at Christmas?’

  ‘Ooh yes.’ Nina was obviously looking forward to it. ‘She’s got to, she promised to cook dinner for us!’

  Nell had a thought. ‘Would it be all right if I invite Mary too?’

  ‘If you must. Romy’ll have to come and cook for us at your place, though, I can’t be doing with moaning Mary round here, I might need to make a quick getaway if she gets on my wick – oh God, it’s going to be such a great Christmas without Hayden!’

  Not so good for Romy, though, who seemed to be working on automatic pilot as she went about her grandmother’s small kitchen concocting the festive dinner. Try as everyone might, it was all a little underwhelming, but hopefully the next one would be better.

  It took quite a few months, but Romy was eventually to regain her natural joie de vivre, and to bring it with her when she came to stay for a week with her grandmother in the summer – which Nell enjoyed immensely, stating it was like the old days again, with the two of them side by side in the kitchen.

  She was, then, all the more shocked when another end-of-year birthday get-together in honour of Romy brought an extraordinary setback in her appearance. It looked as if she had not eaten for months. Her face smiled as she opened the gifts Nell had bought her, but there was a worrying gauntness about it. Not daring to ask directly, for fear of learning that Hayden might be once more on the scene, Nell waited until the subject was out of the way, before murmuring to Nina, ‘Romy’s looking awfully thin – don’t tell me she’s been on a diet?’

  The reply was rather shirty, but then Nina often was. ‘Don’t ask me. She’s got a life of her own, as she’s quick to tell me. I don’t know what the hell she gets up to these days – there’s nothing medically wrong with her, if that’s what you’re worried about.’

  Nell had left it alone at the time, not wanting to spoil the get-together – especially when Romy was putting such a brave face on whatever it was – and hoping she would have put the weight back on when next they met.

  This was to be several weeks into the new year. Catching sight of her granddaughter’s car pulling up, Nell rose expectantly and moved closer to the window to receive the usual merry wave, but there was no merriness today, just a malnourished, sad-looking wraith coming down the path.

  Her heart sank, but she did her best to hide it, making the usual fuss of Romy when she came through the door, immediately switching on the electric kettle, and setting out mugs and plates.

  But, ‘Don’t cut into that cake for me, Nana.’ Romy’s hand shot out, her face tense.

  Nell put down the cake-tin lid abruptly, and demanded, ‘What’s wrong, love?’

  ‘Nothing!’

  ‘Yes there is, you’re so thin …’

  ‘I’m always thin.’

  ‘Not that thin! I can see your bones through that jumper.’ Through the cream lamb’s wool sweater, Romy’s shoulder blades jutted like wings, her brown slim-flitting trousers hanging like a bag. ‘Come on, whatever it is I’d like to know.’ Gentle of face, Nell went back to making the tea.

  A look of resignation displaced the one of innocence, and Romy sighed. ‘I’m in a bit of a quandary, Nan.’ She rubbed her hands over her emaciated face, and stared out of the rear window as an express train thundered past.

  ‘You’re not back with Hayden?’

  ‘As if.’ Romy gave a little laugh, then turned serious again. ‘No, I’ve fallen in love with somebody, but he’s married.’

  ‘Oh dear …’ Nell tapped her spoon on the side of the teapot, then replaced the lid, her expression vague. ‘That would be a quandary. Do you want a Kit Kat with your tea?’

  ‘No thanks.’ Romy helped her carry the cups into a living room that was much changed from her childhood, the boxed-in fireplace having been completely removed now, and a gas fire fitted to the wall. She and her grandmother sat together on a new red sofa.

  Romy found it difficult to begin. Nell remained patient, then gave her a helping hand. ‘What’s his name?’

  ‘Patrick.’

  ‘And where did you meet him?’

  ‘Work. I haven’t just met him. We’ve worked in the same building for years, but we’ve just been talking a lot more recently. I don’t know why I told him about Hayden, it just seemed to slip out naturally.’ She saw a cloud pass over her grandmother’s face. ‘That’s what my mother thinks.’

  Nell looked at her. ‘What?’

  ‘The same as you: that he’s taking advantage of me, sees me as vulnerable. But he’s not like that.’

  Nell relaxed her look of concern. ‘Well, you know him, love, I don’t.’

  Romy looked at her feet. ‘I feel dreadful, knowing what it’s like to be cheated on, I’d never do that to somebody else – we haven’t done anything, we haven’t even kissed, nor been out together. But I know he feels the same as I do. He’s told me. He’s not happy in his marriage, but he doesn’t want to start anything with me until he sorts things out with his wife. He wants to do the right thing by everybody.’

  ‘When you say everybody, do you mean he has children?’

  Romy nodded, her lank curtain of hair trembling and her face steeped in guilt. ‘One – a little boy. I just can’t get my head around this – I never dreamed I’d be in such a situation. I keep trying to fight it, but I can’t think of anyone but Patrick, and how he’d feel if I were to reject him. He’s so unhappy, and so am I.’ Quietly, she wept.

  Nell allowed her to, pulling a handful of tissues from a box and handing them over. Romy used one after the other to blot up the smears of mascara, constantly blowing her nose and sniffing.

  ‘Mum isn’t talking to me. Well, she is, but only just.’

  ‘How old is the boy?’

  ‘Five. Mum went mad when I told her. “Why did he have a child with her if he was so bloody miserable!”’ After mimicking Nina, she directed watery eyes at her grandmother.

  ‘But it’s like when I was with Hayden. I knew in my heart he wasn’t right for me – I mean, I loved him, and Patrick loves his wife, but not in the same way – and, of course, you’re not miserable all the time because you wouldn’t be able to endure such an existence. Of course you enjoy a joke a
nd a laugh with them, and have sex, and generally get on with the life you’ve made yourself. But then somebody comes along to show you what it could be like …’

  Nell gave a sage nod.

  And immediately Romy said, ‘See, I knew you’d understand, Nana.’

  Nell did not really understand at all, but she was willing to listen.

  ‘Mum’s never been madly, totally in love – oh, I’m not blaming her for the way I was conceived.’ She forestalled any reproach. ‘As you’d say yourself, these things happen – boy, do they happen – but because she’s never been in love, she doesn’t know what it’s capable of doing to you. I didn’t purposely set out to wreck a family! I hate anyone who has affairs behind their partner’s back, I know what it feels like to be betrayed. I’d never deliberately inflict that on another woman, let alone a child.’ Fresh tears washed away the last trace of mascara, and she reached for more tissues. ‘I just don’t know what to do. I feel I can’t live without him. When I said that to Mum she went up in the air – don’t be so bloody melodramatic! But you must know what it’s like, Nana?’

  Yes, I know what it’s like. Nell too had tears in her eyes, but contained them. Age tended to stultify passion of all types; one didn’t sob and rant like one had as a girl.

  But in Romy it was still aflame. ‘You can’t eat, you can’t sleep …’

  Nell acted as go-between. ‘Your mum’s only mad because she’s worried about you. She’s made you the centre of her life. You have to see it from her point of view.’

  ‘I do! I hate upsetting her, but it’s as if somebody else is pulling the strings: the more I try to go on the right path, the more something hauls me back. I’ve thought about handing in my notice so we don’t see each other, but it wouldn’t solve anything … and I can’t bring myself to do it. Mum thinks I’m lying about not sleeping with him –’

  ‘Oh, I don’t think she would …’

  ‘I can sort of understand her being suspicious. I mean, it sounds so daft. When you think “love affair” you imagine Scarlet O’Hara and Rhett Butler. We’ve done no more than hold hands … But I’ve never felt closer to anyone. I’ve told him just about everything about myself, and he’s told me all about his life, right from being a baby. We’ve been spending our lunch hour together for the past four months. But it’s not long enough – it goes just like that.’ She clicked her fingers, except they did not click, but skidded off each other with a sound that was as dull as her next comment. ‘I hate going home. I just live for nine o’ clock, when I’ll see him again – and when I do see him, every time feels like the first time. He’s got this lovely smiley face that wraps you up – oh shit, Mum’s here!’ She shrank in her seat like a child caught out as Nina came striding up the path.

  Apprehension reigned, as they both waited for her to enter.

  ‘I knew I’d find you here!’ Nina looked furious.

  ‘Hello to you too,’ said a calmer Nell.

  ‘Hello, Mam – I warned you not to go bothering your nana,’ she scolded Romy, from whose bloated face oozed more tears. ‘But no, you won’t be bloody told!’

  ‘Neen, sit down and take the weight off your mouth,’ sighed Nell. ‘Let me get you a cup of tea …’

  ‘I can get it!’ An annoyed Nina swivelled and went to the kitchen, returning with a mug, though she hardly took a sip before laying into her daughter again. ‘All you’ve done is upset yet another person, your nana’ll be worried sick now – won’t you, Mam?’

  ‘I’m concerned, naturally,’ said Nell in reasonable tone, ‘but she hasn’t done it deliberately to hurt anybod—’

  ‘She wouldn’t have done it if her grandad was alive!’

  Nell felt the same, a little let down. But, ‘There’s no good us going off about it, we can’t make her fall out of love.’

  Nina snorted. ‘Bloody men!’

  Romy stood up to her then. ‘Before you say any more, it is not Patrick’s fault. It’s nobody’s fault. I don’t need you bending my ear, I want somebody to give me advice on what to do, that’s why I came here because I know I’ll get sense out Nana. I’m trying to do the right thing.’

  ‘I know …’ Nina quietened down at last. ‘I just get so mad when I think you’re being taken advantage of.’

  The trio were silent for a few moments. Nina looked at the end of her tether, as she gulped from her mug and stared into space. Then her whole demeanour swerved, and she directed a look of genuine compassion at her child. ‘Will you come on holiday with me?’

  ‘To get me away, you mean?’

  ‘To lend you the breathing space to get your act together,’ pleaded Nina. ‘You can’t think clearly while you’re still in the middle of it all, we need to get you right away – and God knows, I can’t write a word while I’m worrying about you. You know in your heart it’s not right, love. But …’ She took a breath, and her tone changed to one that was half-beaten, ‘if you still feel the same way when you come back, then I’ll support your decision, whatever it is.’

  Romy looked grateful, but sick at the same time. ‘All right then. I don’t know how I’ll bear to be parted from him, but I’ll try and explain to him …’

  ‘Good.’ Nina looked relieved, and a little bit guilty. ‘Because I’ve done a very silly thing. I rang your boss.’ She quickly poured oil on her daughter’s look of outrage. ‘Not about the affair. I just told him you were on the verge of a breakdown and you needed to get away for as long as he’d allow.’

  ‘Aw, no – Mam, I could kill you!’

  ‘Well, what was I meant to do? You’re driving me loony – as if I’m not worried enough about this one!’ She indicated her elderly mother, turning to Nell and adding in businesslike fashion, ‘So while we’re at it, you can pack your bags and all!’

  ‘Why, where am I going?’

  ‘Australia – we all are. I’m going to sort you buggers out once and for all. Romy’s going to mull over the drastic step of breaking up a family, and you’re going to look for that son of yours.’

  Nell looked startled. ‘I’ve –’

  ‘Mam, you’re going!’ Nina jabbed an authoritative finger. ‘I’m not hearing any arguments. I’ll be paying for everything and doing all the arrangements – give me your passport now, I’ll need it to get you another visa.’ She rose herself and went to grab it from the bureau. ‘If I pay for special delivery we should be able to do it within a few days, before either of you can chicken out.’

  The pair of them bamboozled, all Nell and Romy could do was give a despairing laugh at each other.

  ‘Well, as Aunty Beat would say,’ quoted Nell, ‘that’s us told!’

  There was not so much excitement as last time, for Nell could not bring herself to believe that the trip would actually happen. And as for Romy’s affair, try as she might to be modern and liberal thinking, Nell could not so lightly dismiss her granddaughter’s contribution to the break-up of a marriage. After the others had gone home, the first thing she did was to ring her sister-in-law, ostensibly to let her know about the coming trip, but also to speak of her disappointment at Romy’s fall from grace.

  ‘I don’t know, Killie,’ her voice was sad, ‘they seem to do whatever they like these days, and blow the consequences. Joe would be horrified.’

  There was barely a pause from the other end. ‘Well, people don’t always do what you want them to do,’ murmured Beata. ‘Maybe it’s better to live your life the way you see fit, instead of always pleasing others.’

  ‘Well that’s good, coming from you!’ Nell laughed into the receiver. ‘You who’d run to somebody’s aid at the drop of a hat, who’d put everybody else’s comfort above your own.’ She leaned back in her chair with a knowing grin. ‘I bet you’d do exactly the same again, if you had your life over.’

  ‘Nay, I wouldn’t.’ Beata’s voice was resolute. ‘I wouldn’t stand aside and let somebody else marry the man I loved. My word no, I’d fight for him. Today’s generation might have their failings, but they certai
nly know what they want, and they do their damnedest to get it.’

  Nell exhaled in wholehearted agreement. ‘If only I’d been more like Nina, determined to keep her baby …’

  Beata was quick to change tack. ‘They were different times. Spotty. Nobody went against their parents.’

  Nell murmured endorsement. ‘I suppose so … I didn’t mean to sound resentful about the young ones doing as they pleased, Beat. Romy didn’t choose to break up a family, and it breaks my heart to see her fretting like this …’

  ‘Well, I’m sure it’ll work its way out, one way or another,’ decreed the sensible voice at the other end. ‘So, Australia, eh? Are you all packed?’

  Ten minutes were spent in trivial discussion about what to take and how it would be autumn over there. Then Beata said, ‘Well, I don’t think I’ll manage to get and see you before you go, but I’ll say a little prayer that you find that lad of yours …’

  ‘Bless you, Killie – and we’ll get together when I come back.’

  ‘I hope everything goes well, and you all enjoy your holiday. Give my love to Neen and Romy …’

  At this juncture, Nell became aware of Mary’s curly bleached head poking around her door, which made her a little annoyed. Issuing warm thanks to Beata, and saying they would come and see her when they got back, she hung up.

  ‘You’re going to Australia again?’

  Nell sighed at the look of bright anticipation, and held out her hand. ‘Yes – go and fetch your blasted bag of presents, Mary!’ But she was smiling when she said it.

  25

  The few foreign trips Nell had taken had been by ferry, and even that was when she had been much younger. Thank God for a trusty companion on either side to protect her. Just the airport was a nightmare, with all the trundling of luggage, the policemen with guns, the snaking queues, and all the rigmarole of passport control, finally to emerge the other side feeling utterly bewildered and with a twenty-four-hour flight still ahead.

  ‘What a blasted bun-fight,’ grumbled Nell, manipulating her ample hips around all the human obstacles in her way, as they looked for their seats. ‘It’s a good job we like each other, isn’t it? Does it matter if we swap round? I’ll need to get to the loo more often than you two, so I’d better have the aisle seat.’ There was an awkward reshuffle, following which she continued to grouse about being elbowed in the head by those who were cramming belongings into the overhead locker. ‘My God, what’s he stuffing in there, a three-piece suite?’